Help! My Line-manager says I can have today to look after my sick son as a `one -off`

[time4me]

Right now I am feeling really upset as my 18 yr old severely disabled son is ill and I sent a text to my line manager apologising and asking if it would be possible to work from home today,so I can look after him.She replied that I can as a one off
Can I add that I very rarely take time off,maybe one or two days a year at the most.I dont think I am being unreasonable and I know I have the law on my side. Usually I get on with her OK,I dont want to fall out with her or create an atmosphere.
I think when I am feeling better and she is in a good mood I will have a chat with her and say it upset me and that I cannot work and worry about my son being ill or his school closed and I cannot arrange care,and I will take time off without pay if necessary.
She has told me in the past that she feels I should get a Carer and also why my dh can`t do it.He does his share by the way but he works too,only part-time.
My instinct it to adopt a softly softly approach,and point out that the law is on my side!

I think you have got it spot on. Concentrate on your son now he is what counts, and calm yourself down.

When you return to work just ask to have a chat and maybe take in a little literature to support what you are saying. You must make her realise that she can not put you under any kind of pressure to take it as a one off and make it clear that if your son needs you then you will not hesitate to take the day off again.

This kind of thing makes me so

Hope your son is ok?

Thanks flutterbee,that really lifted my spirits.He just has a cold but he has bad fits and is frail,so I didn`t want to drag him out of bed at 6 am because I am scared of my line-manager!

I should bloody think not I expect he needs all the sleep he can get!!

Just be with your son for as long as he needs you there and don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Hope it's a fleeting cold and not a horrible long one, they seem to be about at the moment. I have had it and have felt dreadful for over a week now so what your DS must be feeling I don't know. He's lucky to have you around.

time4me - im shocked about your line-manager!!...hope u will it sorted xx

I think the problem here is that you TEXT the manager. If you had spoken with the manager you may well of got a better response..

I would ask to see the manager when you return and discuss how you feel about her response and that there may be more days when you son needs assistance.

I think you will get a much better response as this will appeal to her caring nature. (everyone really does have one you know). Just express yourself, I am sure she will be very supportive.

When you get back, ask her if she would prefer you to work from home next time your DS is ill, or if she would prefer you to take the time off as paid holiday or unpaid time.

Make it clear to her that you're not going to be pressurised. But also, point out to her that from the company's pov, it's probably better if you work from home.

Texting was obviously not a good idea and I wont do it in future.Having said that she text me about an hour later regarding a work issue! I think she is feeling sensitive as there has been quite a bit of fragmented absence in the office due to children being ill,one took 3 days at a stretch and her daughter was 11 and she has parents close by.Also,I have gone to her and asked if I can have some odd periods off to visit new respite homes,but only time in lieu,I would repay the time.I also coulnt go to an after work meeting cos dh was ill.Maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back but I must emphasis that I probably take less time off than the rest of the staff put together over a year-in fact I KNOW I do cos two are off with long term sickness,in each case,6 months each.So I do feel a bit miffed about her attitude.She`s just text me again about work,no mention about how my son is,but fair dos I did say I would work from home today,so maybe she is proving a point!

Can I add something from an employer's perspective?

To me, working at home means "doing a bit of work, nipping out to the gym, bit more work, watch a bit of telly" etc. That's because that is what I do when I am working from home! So when my staff ask if they can "work from home" I tend to think that is what they will be up to It doesn't mean that I don't allow it (I usually don't get much choice!) but I do often feel sceptical about it.

I think if you can answer all the texts quickly and efficiently you will generate a huge amount of goodwill. You are proving that you are actually working and that having to take the odd day off for unavoidable family reasons shouldn't be too much of a problem. By working well today, I think you will generate some real goodwill for the future. I think you will need that goodwill, because the best situation for you is the one where you can phone and say - Look, I'm sorry, my son is not well today and although he does not need much supervision I do not feel comfortable leaving him so I will work from home, and your supervisor says "fine" and that's it.

My recommendation is that you proactively send her a couple of work related texts, to show her that you are really on top of things. You also have some good evidence that you were really working.

Achovy-thank you that was really so helpful.The problem is that he is severely disabled and DOES need a lot of supervision.I was just sugaring the pill by saying could I work from home.I have done some work while he has watched a Post Pat video for half an hour,and odd bits when I can.Ok I will text her back to say something about work and see whether she responds positively.

"she feels I should get a Carer" Right, yes because it really is that easy isn't.

She doesn't sound as if she understands the issues involved in caring for a severely disabled son, and probably she never will.

I think Anchovy's advice is good, but also check out the law regarding flexible working and caring for disabled children.

Found this: "From April 2007 the right to flexible working will be extended to relatives looking after disabled adults aged 18 and over:"

on here

Do you get direct payments time4me- could be a useful back up to have someone you could call short notice to sit with your son whilst you get on with some work. I use my direct payments for all sorts of extra pairs of hands.

Anchovy I did try your valued advice but was met by stoney silence.Maybe she thinks if I have the time to text her that I have done all this work then disabled son cant be all that ill. I am dreading going into work tomorrow,but for now I think the best thing is to lie low and see what happens.DH thinks that it was an inadvert remark and not to make an issue of it.My only difficulty with having a face to face with her is that rules will be tightened up and in future it will be definatly be without pay,if I take time off to look after son.At the moment I do always get paid ( although I can count on one hand the number of days I have had off this year ) Does any one know the situation as it sounds like you can only have time off while you make arrangements.My son is 19 this year.I will think about it as all this stress is making me think it might be better to see her and lay my cards on the table and say look if I need the time off I need the time off,and if you dont pay me,fine.But does anyone know the rules as I usually only have one or two days off and also my dh and I mix and match,so disruption is kept to a minimum.
Is there a water-tight law to help me,as my son is 18 BUT very severely disabled.I cant leave him with anyone when he is ill,who would want to,and yes jimjams is right you cannot find a carer anyway. I think the law needs to look at this,maybe a maximum of 4 weeks a year unpaid leave or whatever,and you are definatly allowed it. The anomaly is the emergency word,as I did know my son would need me on Tuesday but didnt feel I could make emergency arrangement,anyway what parent wants to leave an ill child,disabled or not.
Check out Sandwell Councils`s web-page on leave,they are so sympathetic and caring.
Well done Sandwell!

lol at anchovy and nipping out and about when working at home. I think what is good for the goose is good for the gander..

When I was in management, I could see who really put the hours in and who was the pee takers. If they worked hard I would allow them to work from home in the full knowledge they may take a bit of personal time. If the work is done then no probs.

Who was, should of been who were, wheres those worms I must eat after making grammatical mistakes. Glutton for worms, me

My line manager is scarey as well! what is it with these SENCO's. mine has never had children and my ds has been in/out hospital a lot since 3months old, hes now 2.3years.

i halved my hours so i wasnt taking as much time off and now if he has a hospital apt or is unwell i arrange if possible to go in on another day to cover for missed days.

my manager has been ok about this but the finance secretary hauled me in and said "we dont do flexi time!" my reply to that was "ok then i wont come in and make up the days and x pupil will not get the support he needs"

she got very embarassed and hasnt mentioned anything since,ole bag

I'm sorry that you've been through this today.

I'm afraid that the law is only partly on your side as you've been reading. Parents are not entitled to emergency leave in order to look after ill dependents, but only for leave in order to make arrangements to ensure that they are looked after. Of course 9/10 you only need a day or two off, and frankly you're unlikely to rustle up some additional care in that time.

If your line manager has been plagued by a lot of absence amongst the team then it is likley that she has read up on the position. If you are just communicating by texts today then I wouldn't read too much into it - she may just be being careful, so as to avoid a situation where you can later prove that she was happy to give you leave whenever your son is ill. Whilst this would obviously be the best case scenario for you and your family, it would be much greater provision than given by current law. Hence she might want to be careful.

Given the flakiness of the current law I'm not sure that I would bring it up unless you have to, but I wouldn't try to get into a slanging match over the law in case she feels that she then needs to follow it to the letter. I would just work to to strengthen the existing relationship and have a back-up plan (for work, rather than ds!) in case a similar situation arises again.

Do follow up on my link below- as it looks as if from April this year the law is being changed to allow you to request flexible working for caring for a disabled adult child.

Is that true LM?

Because ime even for an NT child who is ill, no-one wants to look after them. Even my mother, who loves the kids dearly and will always babysit, doesn't want to look after them when they're ill purely and simply because she's too scared to. When I once said to her "FGS, you've brought up four children and we're all alive", she said "yes, but it's different when they're yours and you know them and you know when they need to see a doctor or not", and so I do now understand that that's fair enough.

So that law is pretty crap isn't it? Because no childminder, nursery or nanny will look after a sick child, and ime no relative will either. Did they deliberately draft it so that it was utterly useless?

Well it was an improvement on what was there before, but it certainly isn't the wonderful cure-all that some parents think it to be. And certainly I have seen one situation where a mum took a day's leave to care for her child, her dp did the same the following day. Her company then took the view that she was not entitled to any further leave as she should have used the first day to put arrangements in place. So mildly insane especially as she was trying to reduce the amount of disruption to her employer.

On the other hand I guess employers at large are unlikely to overwhelmingly supportive of legislation which increases the amount of time that employees can become entitiled to. And the bureaucracy could become quite fierece if employers felt that they needed "proof" in order to support claims. You'd end up seeing more discrimination against parents of small children.

"arrangements"

There are simply no arrangements I could make. Apart from to look after DC myself.

And I'm surely not alone in that. Does anyone have relatives or childcare which would accept a sick child? They don't exist do they? Or am I living in some kind of 1950's vacuum?

Caligula I don't have anyone to look after my kids when they are sick either.

Grandma would do it at a push but she's 2 hours away and getting to the age where she really doesn't want to be catching extra germs from my children.

I would never ask a friend either unless it was non-infectious, my child was really on the mend and I was desperate.

Nannies and au pairs are usually fine with sick kids. I've used a temporary nanny to let me work from home when mine have been ill. But if we're only talking one or two days then of course nothing is going to be worth putting into place. But for longer stints, then strictly you're not covered by law. Most employers are pragmatic, but they would want to be able to take action if you were off frequently (eg for say a wekk each month).

But most people aren't rich enough to afford a nanny.

And as for au-pairs, although they're an affordable option if you've got a big enough house, I've had 3 of them (2 of them perfectly wonderful and one adequate), but I personally wouldn't trust an inexperienced 21 year old to look after a sick child. Both the wonderful au-pairs I had, I trusted totally with the kids on a normal day to day basis, but I'd never have left them to look after a sick child on their own, purely because they might have difficulty recognising the signs of a normal-looking cold being something more serious, such as meningitis, where time is of the essence, or turning much more serious suddenly, as can happen.

Hello Friends ( and mumsnetters! )
First of all I think Ladymucks advice was excellent.I havent been sleeping,for worrying about this.The silver lining is that I have been at work as the caretaker opens up,and have that restless energy when youre upset and dont know where to put it.
I had a heart to heart with a couple of colleagues ( promised myself I would keep quiet but in the end I couldnt stop myself ).Both said that the mistake was to send her an apologetic and rambling text,when I should have just rung first thing with a message to say ds was ill and I wouldnt be in.Also one said that I am allowed 10 days paid leave to look after a sick child,although this is kept quiet.Both said they were certain that the line-manager was not aware of the 10 days entitlement,but although I should forarm myself with the knowledge ( I shall write to personnel to find out exactly what my rights are )it was best not to get heavy and have a meeting with her but to be business-like in future and present the facts when it gets too difficult.
I don`t want to work flexi time-we are in debt because my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour four years ago and lost his job.( long story )
My supportive colleagues said I give too much explanation and I am too apologetic about situations I cannot avoid or help, so to be aware of that.My line of business-yes folks we support parents/families of children with special needs

It sounds as though this is resolved but to clarify, the Time Off For Dependents (TOFD) is a statutory right to provide initial care and/or make arrangements for a dependant when there is a sudden or unexpected emergency or breakdown in childcare arrangements. Reasonable time is given (whatever reasonable means!) which usually allows one or two days. If you don't have alternative care available you have no choice.

Check ACAS or DTI for the guidelines and exact wordings. There is NO limit on the amount of occasions you can take. The key thing is that you follow your employers reporting procedures (usually same as reporting sickness absence but check your own company rules) and let them know the reason for absence and the expected duration, keeping them informed as you go along. Should you need more than the one or two days I would expect and employer to consider holiday or unpaid leave etc,particularly where there is a disabled child involved.

You are fortunate if 10 days paid leave is given in your organisation.

The only time an employer could take any action (disciplinary) is if they had evidence that someone was taking the p**s by making stuff up and it was dealt with as a conduct issue but this is quite a tricky one as an employee doesn't have to give any evidence as such to prove a child or partners illness for example.

Bit waffly but hope this reassures you too.