"School Refusal"...can a child 'fake' physical symptoms??

[MrsForgetful]

my son has gone back to school today...and as usual looking deathly white,feeling clammy and very reluctant.

before half term he has come home at 1 for lunch, looking terrible...pale,just like travel sick- sweaty forehead/cold to touch....and as soon as i have called school to say he is ill- al beit to miss only 1 lesson....he gets full colour back and forehead not clammy.

he has adhd and Aspergers...i have issues which mean i get full blown panic attacks...so my gut feeling is he is not faking ...as when i have a panic attack i get exactly how he does...and i really don't believe he is able to bring on the symptoms at will....

he is 'discreetly bullied' at school- mainly by girls who he says keep saying they fancy him...he's almost 13...and finds all social skills hard- so as we approach adolecense i expected this raection...but he seems to hate a girl even looking across at him now...and that feels to do with the general 'eye contact' thing as he says they are staring...when all they are doing is momentarily glancing at him...

school (as ever) don't 'see' his hidden feelings as he covers it well...he is not disrupptive in school as he takes concerta (like ritalin)...which controls his hyperactivity...but also makes him very passive.

i hate sending him to school...how can i be sure he isn't really feeling so awful that it makes him ill...i am in contact with the school nurse ref my other sons...so may call her.

[ItalianJob]

No specialist knowledge or experience of this, but what you say sounds plausible; panic attacks cause strong physical symptoms, and I don't see how you could fake going pale and clammy.

(formerly known as MummytoSteven)

[Flamesparrow]

I know that when I get myself worked up I have the same sort of symptoms (I have anxiety attacks too which bring similar symptoms too).

I have no idea of anything to suggest except home ed, but it all sounds very very real. I'm sat here all worked up for him.

[MrsForgetful]

hi MTS

thanks for that...i'm just worried what to do next time he comes home ... my husband says i should take him back to scool and ask to see the year head (who seems understanding on our son)...so that she can see what he is like.

we only live 5 mins from the school...and i'd rather he feel able to come home that end up walking the streets as many do when they cannot face school... so am keen that my son knows i believe him...so he feels able to trust me etc...rather than him feeling he has to deal
with this alone

he's not statemented....and recieves no support at all in class. the OT recommended school provide a lap top...they refused- instead providing a gadget that he could only type on and print off....he needs something where all his work can be cd based (worksheets etc)...and another reason all this latest anxiety started 3 weeks ago when he had a history test...and he was given it in the same format as everyone else...on paper...as the history teacher had no way ofgetting the info onto his 'gadget'...whereas on a 'proper laptop' they could get the IT departmen to help.

so.....over halfterm i got a DELL laptop for £70 (bargain!) and he has gone back today with it....so we shall see if he is happier as he can now generally do work on it...and print off at home etc....i can then help him organise it all ....whereas b4 he had to print off at school/and stick work into his books...all very hard for him
now...i am going to scan any worksheeet/homework etc into our home pc,save it to a cd...so he can view it on laptop....

sorry to waffle on... its just i know school think that cos he has a 'gadget' then all is fine....but he still dreads doing school work cos they are still expecting him t copy off the white board onto his screen...which is hardly the point...they were recommended by the OT to offer 'computer based work'.....

grrrrrrr!

hope this makes sense!!!!

[Flamesparrow]

Why do schools seem to go out of their way to make things harder?????

[MrsForgetful]

thanks flamesparrow....i just feel awful...as i feel i am forcing him out the house...when i cannot even face that myself....its like if someone came here now and said "right, you cannot keep staying indoors...you MUST go out"...i'd panic instantly. (at the moment all i do is go to tesco after 9pm...as then i seem to be ok)

Home ed is something i have thought of...and i know i am 'allowed' to withdraw him from lea etc...

if i'm honest...what scares me is those tragic stories where a child like mine 'ends his misery' - and i would feel forever to blame.

[SSSandy]

Really don't know what I would do in that situation. I feel sorry for you , it is a really hard one.

Bumping it along for you

[MrsForgetful]

thanks...cos instead of getting dressed...and getting on with loking after my other 2 boys who don't go back to school till tomorrow...i am sat here...worrying.

[ItalianJob]

is there anyone who understands him - any teacher/senco etc that you can talk about this with? would he try a bit of rescue remedy himself? or do some reading - online say about panic attacks, to get some understanding/insight into the causes of the symptoms and why he feels unwell?

[Flamesparkler]

Oh MrsF

[Mell2]

Feel so for you Mrs F and ds.

I would definitely talk to school nurse and HT.
I so understand about not wanting to send him (i would be the same) but i would also be a bit worried that because i didn't like leaving the house etc I was transferring this onto him iyswim.

Hope you get some positive feedback from the school. BTW, i am not saying you are transferring your worries onto him.

I am sitting here feeling upset for you because i know how hard it would be for me if my dc were having problems and didn't want to go to school. We just want to protect them.

Take carexxxx

[Flamesparkler]

I would worry about home ed if you have going out problems too

[MrsForgetful]

i don't think he is aware that I hate going out!!! However...i think he does assume i am always here....so he must know i don't go out...and yes...i don't want him to feel he keeps me home...cos the anxieties i have related to going out are not connected to him!

also..ref the home ed thing...yes...i do worry that it's one thing for me to choose to not go out...and another to be forced to stay at home. maybe at the moment...it would be a relief...but in time as i hopefully get better...then i may feel able to go out...but will then have him at home. but, that said... i cannot risk anything happening to him ...though i'm sure i am exagerating how it is...i try to convince myself all the time that surely school would notice if it was that bad.

[Flamesparkler]

Sorry - all hell broke loose here

The home ed and you going out problems was more that I had been thinking with home ed you could take him to the smaller home ed groups so that he could get some socialisation, but it would be more on his terms and less overwhelming, but that if you don't go out, then you could end up both being home sort of bouncing off eachother - does that make sense?

Have you spoken to the school nurse yet? If you already have contact with her then she seems the best person to speak to. They all need to be made aware of how he is feeling so that they can watch out and help him iyswim.

Been thinking about you so much today and not been able to get on to see if you'd had any development (or even advice from people who know what they are talking about rather than my ramblings )

[MrsForgetful]

thanks flames...

better today...2 days where he has not come home at lunch...and not stressed at 3pm.
my husband phoned school today...no response ...so assume they will call 2morrow.(!)
so feel i am being supported by husband.

i like the idea of small group home ed groups...had no idea that they existed! I would be ok going to those- things like shopping/visiting friends etcare where i struggle...when i have gone to support groups for example i have found it easier to go out.


another 'good' thing that happened was ds was shown his IEP today (last year they didn't bother ) so someone from the support staff actually took him out of a lesson and read it to him...explained his targets etc...and asked him for his contribution...which ofcourse he had no idea what to say...as he cannot see anything wrong with his behaviour !!! he reckons all the other kids need IEP's not him!!!
But,feel better knowing that within a week hopefully i will get a copy of the IEP...and if i don't i will request a copy as i am entitled to.

i just felt so down yesterday...reading my posts i realised how depressed i felt...thanks for thinking of me today...just 1 day to go till the weekend...then back to the usual 5 day school week...i'd much prefer him do a 3 day week like this every week!!!!

[juuule]

If you find a 3-day week works better for you both, perhaps you could approach the school to agree to a flexi-schooling arrangement. Might be worth talking to them about it.

[BaggieBetty]

I was a SENCO many moons ago. Keep making a fuss - they are so over worked it's only the 'fussers' who get the attention half the time. Is there a sympathetic CSA who can help you fight your corner?

[MrsForgetful]

i have a great book written by Mike Stanton which advocates flexi schooling....i will read it again...and test the waters. i don't think our lea allow it... but if the ed welfare officer was sent out to me ....and the option was NO school..or flexi...

one of the most annoying things he has to cope with is that tehy now finish at 3....meaning that he has to
1)break for luch at 1.10pm
2)registration/assembley 1.40pm
3)2pm final lesson of the day
4)3pm home

so he has 4 lessons in the morning- 1 in the afternoon... his adhd meds are wearing low around 2...so that last part of the day is often when he gets most stressed...hence the wanting to not go back afetr lunch.
I'd be willing to be responsible for any work he missed if he never had to go to the last lesson.

that could be all his 'flexi schooling'would have to be...so he could go for 4 out of 5 lessons...and finish at 1.10pm...giving me 2 hours with him to do homework etc...and chill him down before his 2 sibs come home.

[juuule]

Flexi-schooling isn't down to the LEA it's up to the individual school to agree to. Speak to the school.

[Flamesparkler]

That sounds perfect. If they could sort you things to do with him for that last session, and actually sorted out some bloody support for him during the rest of the time, then it sounds like it could work.

Definately speak to the school.

[MrsForgetful]

Wow! So it is possible then?

That mising 1 lesson would make a huge difference...i shall get my husband to mention it when the Head finaly calls (she still hasn't returned his call...but was only 24hrs ago he phoned...so give her a chance!!!)

[Mell2]

Your ds finishing at 1.10pm sounds like it would really suit him. Hope the school is open to this.

[Flamesparkler]

Heard anything yet?

[MrsForgetful]

don't be daft!!!

i went out this afternoon for 1 hour (whooo Hooooo!) and as soon as i got back i rang 1471 to see if anyone had rang...

annoying really cos i rang and left a message on last day b4 halfterm....and dh rang yesterday....and dept yr head was meant to get form tutor to phone afetr our parents evening slot was forgotten about.....

no wonder ds feels fed up!

still...there is hope...dh might come home at 7 and say they rang him at work!!!!

(this is when i wish there was an animated smiley for.......pigs with wings!!!}

[3andnomore]

I don't think "faking" would be the right term...because emotional probs can of course come out in physical symptoms....but, there is a possibility that there is nothing physically wrong with your child, iykwim!
I think the issues need to be resolved, how...sadly I wouldn't know where to start!