Should I Tell DH about son’s girlfriend

[stressedforever]

I am struggling to decide what to do for the best. We are of North Indian descent and DS2 has just finished 1st year at university he has come back for the holidays. I have seen some pictures of him with a girl which clearly show that she is his girlfriend. She is Chinese and I am struggling whether to tell DH or to keep it to myself and not mention to DS2 either. On one hand I’m thinking that he is only 19 and this will be the first of many girlfriends but on the other hand I need to talk to someone about it. I’m not sure what to do for the best any advice would be appreciated.

Why would there be a need to get involved ??
because it may be a toxic relationship ? Abusive ?? Controlling ??

….. or … because she is Chinese …. ???????

Presumably her husband might want his son to concentrate on working and his course etc like in a lot of Asian families.

Could be that the cultural difference IS a big deal but why make an issue of it until it needs to be. So whatever, that's my pragmatic advice.

If they’re both British, I don’t see the problem.

sounds a bit bigoted otherwise

What exactly are the worries culturally wise? How do they differ from racism?

Also you coudl tell Helena didn't want that kiss with Harrison. But she did it not caring that it'd upset Toni.... I just think she's very selfish.

Sorry, wrong thread! 🙈

Has he told you about his girlfriend? If not, absolutely none of your business. If he has, ask him if he’s happy about you telling the rest of his family. If not, don’t.

Sounds like racism to me. Your culture is not necessarily the same as your son’s culture. Culture is what surrounds us. Not all south Asian people are anti multicultural relationships

@Eaglemomcultural difference could include things like food, traditions, way of life, celebrations, language and so forth. My dad told me that marriage is difficult without differences so with differences it will be more challenging. Being married for almost 24 years I agree with him.
Anyway, being concerned about cultural differences is different to being racisr which is based on prejudice and ignorance.

This! If I had written the OP saying that I'm white caucasian and I'm worried about my DS dating an Indian/Asian girl because of cultural differences all hell would brake lose on MN. Ethnic minorites do not have the privilege to be racists without being called out on it.

Cultural differences may be a big issue for you, but he seems to be just fine with it. Perhaps let him make that choice himself.

I live in a multicultural area and have an 18 year old girl. I also have a mixed race niece and nephew. What I find with young people of any background is that they aren't too bothered by what makes them different it's what they have in common that matters. If there's enough in the relationship (friend or romantic partner) that they have in common then that relationship can last years.

If the OP is concerned that her son might be distracted by a new romantic partner, then I think she should be reassured that at this age having relationships is very normal and not necessarily a bad thing during university. Young people need to learn how relationships work, what is healthy, and what isn't, but also how to juggle that work/life balance.

Yes, cultural differences mean very basic values which are shared in one society (not all individuals) are repugnant in another.
Small example- is it rude to click your fingers at a waiter?
Big examples - attitude to Uighur Reeducation/Genocide or Women’s Dress sense

To pretend cultural differences don’t exist is hopelessly naive, as is expecting that they won’t be an issue in a relationship.

Has your son been raised with the expectation that he brings home an Indian girl?

A friend of mine was supposed to bring home an Indian boy. She'd been in a relationship with a white guy for about 5 years before she told her parents, as they were about to move in together. Her mum was fine with it, but her dad is a pathetic racist who now hasn't spoken to her for over 6 years.

Thankfully she does have very supportive siblings.

Fix your attitudes or you'll miss out on your child's joy, and cause him much anxiety and worry. He shouldn't shape his life in fear of what you might think. Does she make him happy?

Exactly this. If this post was a from a white person expressing reservations about her son being in a relationship with someone Indian would it be excused as concern over “cultural differences”?

OP is your son only allowed to have relationships with Indian women?

I'm in a mixed race marriage - as are all my siblings (there are 4 of us), it does put extra strain on a marriage, that is the truth as you are negotiating not just the usual relationship stuff but also negotiating cultural expectations, and cultural upbringing things that are unfamiliar. And as a parent, you are allowed to be concerned, just as we are about age differences, educational differences, and pretty much all other differences, because we are parents and we don't want our children's lives to be unnecessarily difficult if at all possible.

If it helps, my white sister who is married to a man of Indian descent has a wonderful marriage, as does my brother who is married to a woman of Chinese descent. I married someone half-white and have found the cultural difference significantly difficult due to cultural expectations and various other expectations that I didn't know about pre-marriage and have struggled massively and continue to do so 20+ years in because of how patriarchal they can be.

My only advice is to support and love and support and love through whatever your children go through, you can't predict anything, you can only support them. I would tell your husband so you can both decide now how to show support together, and if the relationship doesn't last - all good, you've shown your son you are supportive, loving parents. And if it does last, then you have shown yourselves to be supportive, loving parents. If you make things difficult for your son in any way, he will only distance himself from you.

Have you considered that having been brought up in a multicultural environment, his cultural ideals may differ from yours? He will resent the judgement of his choices.

Interesting question. I suppose in many ways they don't. But I do think cultural differences can have a significant bearing on a relationship. I've had a couple of friends over the years who have married men from different cultural backgrounds and the marriages have failed due to different expectations. Particularly the role of women, religion, how to raise children and the "over" involvement of the wider family (notably the in-laws). I should say now that my comments don't relate to the original post but are simply a reflection on your question.

I see your point.
I do think though that for children brought up in places where there are a mix of cultures they are not as fixed to their parents culture as the parents may think.
In cases like this the cultural issues seem more likely to be coming from the parents, whereas the children are used to navigating these things and are likely to be more flexible and accepting of others.
I think the likelihood is that these 2 adults of different backgrounds are going to be fine, as the cultural side of things is probably less important to them as it is to their parents.
The harm will come from outside sources so the parents need to be careful and more open minded.

I absolutely agree.

I expect whem HER parents find out her boyfriend is Indian it will soon come to an end. How does that feel Op? Not nice is it? Do better!

^ this. Am Asian myself

OP: what kind of job have you done raising your son that you can’t just ask him if he has a girlfriend?

And what level of openness and acceptance is there in the family you created that this would be an issue??

It reminded me of an episode of the Golden Girls, where Dorothy’s son gets engaged to a black woman.
Dorothy’s objections to the union was that the gf was much older than him, they barely knew each other, they had nothing in common, etc.
But, the gf’s mother’s objection was simply that Dorothy’s son was white.

I thought that was staggering hypocrisy. Dorothy would have painted as an unforgivable bigot, but the gf’s mother escaped this insult.

It's a sign that you're doing OK so far if he has shared those pics. Tread carefully how you react to the relationship. I'm also asian, would it be so bad to just be happy and supportive?!

He's an adult. He can choose his own girlfriend.
You need to let him live his life as he wishes.
Even if the relationship leads to marriage, they will be forming their own family unit with their own shared values and culture NOT YOURS!

It's called progress and is nothing like the regressive attitude you are holding onto.

Good luck to him and his "girlfriend"