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South Asian Mumsnetters

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Original poster

Should I Tell DH about son’s girlfriend

57 replies

stressedforever · 27/06/2025 16:59

I am struggling to decide what to do for the best. We are of North Indian descent and DS2 has just finished 1st year at university he has come back for the holidays. I have seen some pictures of him with a girl which clearly show that she is his girlfriend. She is Chinese and I am struggling whether to tell DH or to keep it to myself and not mention to DS2 either. On one hand I’m thinking that he is only 19 and this will be the first of many girlfriends but on the other hand I need to talk to someone about it. I’m not sure what to do for the best any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
bluecurtains14 · 27/06/2025 17:00

What's the issue? Is your husband racist?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 27/06/2025 17:00

Is the issue that he has a girlfriend or a Chinese girlfriend?

AnniesMother · 27/06/2025 17:03

What’s the problem? Are you and your husband racist?
It might not be ‘his first girlfriend’ - it might be your future daughter in law and mother of your grandchildren.
Be careful how you set the tone…

Original poster
stressedforever · 27/06/2025 17:50

Why does everyone jump on the bandwagon of accusing someone of being a racist. Being concerned about cultural differences doesn’t make you a racist.

OP posts:
Truetoself · 27/06/2025 17:52

Not everyone appreciates the issues with cultural differences. However, I don’t understand why you would thinj twice about mentioning it to your husband?

Parker231 · 27/06/2025 17:53

stressedforever · 27/06/2025 17:50

Why does everyone jump on the bandwagon of accusing someone of being a racist. Being concerned about cultural differences doesn’t make you a racist.

DH and are from different nationalities but has never been an issue for us or our families.

What are you worried about?

Meadowfinch · 27/06/2025 17:55

OP your ds is 19. He has met a girl and is having a good time at university.

He is an adult, entitled to make his own choices, and they are none of your business. So say nothing. It is none of your husband's business either, who your ds chooses as his friends.

The relationship may run its course, it may strengthen into something more long lasting. You cannot tell.

But one thing is certain. If you try to dictate who an adult can have as their friends, you will be the loser. So say nothing and stay out of it.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/06/2025 17:57

I wouldn’t intrude on DS’s privacy if he hasn’t told you about his GF so if I were you I would say nothing.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/06/2025 18:05

You could speak to DS and say something along the lines " You and that girl looked very close, are you going out with her? " and he can then confirm or deny. You really can't tell whether she is his girlfriend or not from a photograph.
Maybe he has his arm around her, or they are holding hands or something, it still doesn't mean that she is his girlfriend.
And if you think that it is an issue that he has a girlfriend, then that's also something you should discuss with him. If the issue that you suspect that she is from a different culture, then maybe that's a prejudice you need to explore yourself before saying anything to him.

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2025 18:28

If you are hesitant to tell him, that is likely the same reason your son has not shared the information with either of you. Essentially, if you aren’t going to react well, you don’t deserve to know.

your son will share when there is something necessary to share.

Ihopeyouhavent · 27/06/2025 18:42

stressedforever · 27/06/2025 17:50

Why does everyone jump on the bandwagon of accusing someone of being a racist. Being concerned about cultural differences doesn’t make you a racist.

Ignore the shouts of racism, typical of Mumsnet. I totally understand what you mean.

It all depends on how strict your husband is. My DS was worried what our family would think about his GF and no-one batted an eyelid.

Eaglemom · 27/06/2025 18:57

What is the issue? For you or your husband? He's 19 and has a girlfriend, what is to be concerned about here i don't get it?

cariadlet · 27/06/2025 19:09

Suggesting that the op or her husband are racist shows a lack of awareness of the importance that cultural differences can have in some families/societies/cultures.

OP, I wouldn't tell your DH as your DS hasn't told you. If she is his girlfriend, then it's his news to share if and when he's ready.

Neither would I ask him directly. That would just be too nosey and would put him in an awkward position if he's not ready to tell you.

But if you are happy for him to have a girlfriend from a different background and would be welcoming towards her then I'd tell him that - but make it a general point rather than referring to the girl you have seen in the photos.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 27/06/2025 19:11

Ihopeyouhavent · 27/06/2025 18:42

Ignore the shouts of racism, typical of Mumsnet. I totally understand what you mean.

It all depends on how strict your husband is. My DS was worried what our family would think about his GF and no-one batted an eyelid.

Show quote history

What is it then? It looks like textbook racism to me.

JustASmallBear · 27/06/2025 19:14

Why isn't this racism?

Pamspeople · 27/06/2025 19:19

Unless he tells you himself and asks you to tell other people you're just spreading gossip. And why on earth would you tell your other child?

It was lovely in the days when parents only found out what you wanted them to know, before everyone had access to everyone's business on social media!

Pemba · 27/06/2025 19:19

I don't see why this isn't racism, TBH. And being from an ethnic minority yourself doesn't let you off the hook.

If you have a son of 19 you can't be that old yourself OP. My own parents accepted both a SIL and DIL of different ethnic groups, this was about 40 years ago.

Original poster
stressedforever · 27/06/2025 20:10

Thanks for all the replies. As I said previously those accusing me of racism are barking up the wrong tree. Cultural differences is a big worry in a relationship and that is the only reason I asked for opinions. I have decided not to say anything it is upto DS2 if he wants to say discuss it. Like previous posters have said if it becomes serious he will mention it but if nothing more comes of it in the future then I don’t think he will.

OP posts:
Pemba · 27/06/2025 20:14

'cultural differences' = euphemism for racism. Can you explain why not?

Wolfiefan · 27/06/2025 20:19

People are different but can still have relationships. One of mine is in a relationship with a girl from somewhere in the Caribbean. They are different in lots of ways. Just like they are similar in lots of ways. Can’t see the issue TBH. If my kids are in a relationship I just want it to be a happy one.

Bumdrops · 27/06/2025 20:22

It sounds like cultural differences is code for CONTROL

ooh depends on how strict his dad is… it’s a big worry … blah blah …

he’s a 19 year old young man with a girlfriend, not a criminal!!!!

just wow 😮

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/06/2025 20:23

stressedforever · 27/06/2025 20:10

Thanks for all the replies. As I said previously those accusing me of racism are barking up the wrong tree. Cultural differences is a big worry in a relationship and that is the only reason I asked for opinions. I have decided not to say anything it is upto DS2 if he wants to say discuss it. Like previous posters have said if it becomes serious he will mention it but if nothing more comes of it in the future then I don’t think he will.

OP, perhaps it would be good to be a bit more open-minded? Cultural differences don't need to be a big issue in a relationship unless you choose to make them one - I married into a North Indian family 25 years ago, and while there have been many cultural differences between us over the years, they haven't ever been a "worry" for either of us. Quite the contrary, in fact... they enrich our lives and enable us to choose the best from both cultures. It helps enormously that both his family and mine have been very welcoming and open-minded. I know of other mixed relationships where narrow-minded families have made life incredibly difficult.

I presume that your ds has been brought up in the UK in any case, so his culture will be quite mixed up in any case. Sounds like you need to chill a bit. And maybe work on your relationship with your ds so that you can communicate more easily and openly about stuff.

Eaglemom · 27/06/2025 20:24

What i dont understand is if you are so concerned about children integrating with other cultures then why bring children up in multicultural places? You just cannot expect them not to be influenced by their environment, and ignore the bits you want them to. If you expect to be accepted, you also must accept others, race, religion, culture, skin colour, all of it

AgnesX · 27/06/2025 20:26

He's only a first year, not even into second year yet and it's the holidays. Who knows what'll happen between now and September.

I'd keep quiet until there's a need to get involved.

Thingsthatgo · 27/06/2025 20:29

Well either the cultural differences will be an insurmountable problem and the relationship won’t last, or they will embrace their cultural differences and it will be a joyful thing to celebrate as part of their relationship. If anyone else is judging them for it, that’s racism and they need to take a good long look at themselves.