Can't cope with in-laws anymore

[shininglight16]

I've never liked my in-laws, they were a red flag from the start.

My MIL is a typical bitchy cunning woman, who plays all sorts of games to show she's a Ms. Goody two shoes when she's not.

I went through deep depression early on in my marriage and she knew that yet, she created a big scene when I refused to go to to her other daughter-in-law's brother's engagement party. I was in a bad state, I couldn't think right, yet, all she cared about was what would others think. Typical Asian mentality. She not only spoke to me rudely then, I caught her bitching about me with her son, who's wife's brother's engagement we were invited to.

She was also never there for me emotionally or morally during that time. All she cared about was playing cards with her friends.

There was also another time when I was completely ill with a bad flu and couldn't get out of bed. She came over to stay with me as DH was out of town for work. She cooked but never spent time with me. I'd have dinner alone, in pain, whilst she was out playing cards, drinking and smoking. She came home at 12 or 1 in the night and made pathetic excuses of being stuck in traffic, when the pub/club she went to was just a 10 min drive away.

She's constantly put me down, belittled me, criticized my way of parenting, told me I'm not fast enough in bathing my newborn (I'm a FTM), interfered in my breastfeeding journey and basically criticized every little thing I've done. If someone else bitches about me, she agrees with them too. However, when she needed money for something, she said I was there to give money and looked at me in a dominating way as in, you will give it won't you?

Her other son borrowed money from me to pay some bills and did not return for a year. I lost my cool and instead of telling him off, she got upset that I brought up the money topic in front of my mom, because according to her what happens at home stays at home and in-laws is home but my mom's an outsider.

She's done loads of other things like wait till my husband comes home from work to criticize me infront of him and look at his reaction. She even did loads of drama when we were choosing our wedding venue. She told her son she wouldn't come to our wedding if we didn't pick a fancy place. We ended up spending so much to invite people who haven't even been in touch with us since.

She made faces at me at our wedding too, she was discontent about something not sure what, I think she was expecting dowry?

There's lots more but my FIL is pretty pathetic too, although not as bad as her. My daughter is down with covid and has had a reaction to her 16 weeks vaccination and I fear she will blame me for it, like she does for everything that goes wrong in our lives. In her eyes, her son is perfect and I'm no good. She loves her other daughter-in-law who treated me like shit when I was newly married. I've tried speaking up but my MIL won't even listen to what I have to say. She shoots me down and tells me she won't believe a word of what I say about her. That girl comes from a rich family and the MIL stays at her house cos she (my in-laws) had to sell off their home to pay off her debts. This DIL has played dirty games with me and DH but MIL is blind, she will never go against someone who's rich.

I could go on and on but what a pathetic toxic family I've been blessed with after marriage. I despise them to the core. Their ego, arrogance, sick attitude, lack of support, bitchiness, gossip, high handed behaviour, lies, playing with my money and not being apologetic about anything makes me hate them even more. I feel stuck due to society and being isolated, need advice on how to tackle this situation. I have no privacy even, they like to blabber every little thing to relatives. Hate them!

MIL ruined my breastfeeding journey with lots of interference and wrong advice. I was struggling and she would come running into the room and take my baby away every time. My baby ended up taking preference to the bottle as my MIL kept insisting I express and feed her. I think she wanted to control the feeding and she ended up causing more harm than good.

I'm sol.sorrt

Thanks for your support @Ash099 and @RedRidingGood it means a lot 🙏You're amazing, kind, beautiful souls. Always wanted to be surrounded by positive, encouraging, uplifting and inspiring women.

I cried so much today I had to let it all out. It really helps coming on this platform and sharing my pain with you all, I feel much lighter. Thanks once again, stay blessed 🙏

Op once you reach the bottom of the barrel, the only way is up!

Please see your GP about the trauma.

Don't worry about the breastfeeding side of it, keep your MIL away from your baby. Many of us breast fed and bottle fed so don't worry about not exclusively breastfeeding, if your baby was ill then that might have had an impact on ability to latch on.

Tell your midwife/ doctor about the trauma you are having with your MIL because you and your DH need to come up with a plan going forward.

Please put your mental health first op xx

Hey OP,

I'm probably a little older than you, have journeyed this particular set of issues a few times... my advice

If you can't fix the relationship then go low contact, don't get involved or even mention your in laws in conversation. Break that daily cycle/habit of the pain your in by being reminded of your hurt.

Financial independence, as in most Asian families, it's probably typical of having enmeshed finances.. don't take any money, if living with them separate and move out.

Comparison is the thief of joy resounds deeply when you're feeling so low and look to see how others in the family are treated. They will most definitely have their own struggles, just not necessarily sharing it with you so that you have perspective. Stop wanting/watching their dynamics, rising above the rat race of who's the best DIL will truly set you free. If you're not competing, then you don't lose, if you follow what I mean.

On the parenting side, take the help you need, define it clearly, no ifs or butts. Be consistent, make it a habit forming.

Reframe what you're living through will help greatly, you're all characters in a story, change the next chapter.. you were a victim but now choose to be in control .... a warrior, a super woman who makes good choices, doesn't let herself be defined by what others do or say .

The above is pretty much a quick brain dump. Hope some of it helps xx

Hi OP, hope todays been a better day for you. I'm glad if I've been a bit of help. When I was in a similar situation as you I felt so helpless. It pained me that there was no one who cared.

Let us know how you get on. When speaking with a therapist or marriage counselor ask for strategies on how to cope and what to say when faced with verbal / emotional abuse.

In the meantime focus on you child, if you need help speak to your health visitor. And get involved with baby groups. It is a struggle to fit in, in the UK but be open to asking other mums for a coffee or walk etc.

Focus on yourself, don't let toxic people rob you of your happiness.

Thanks @Newstaronthehorizon , I'm mental health is at an all time low. I keep having loads of arguments with my husband, he doesn't see a lot of things the way I see them.

His family has caused mental distress and trauma, I feel absolutely battered mentally. My GP is useless, never have they provided a solution to anything. What kind of support do you think I could seek from the NHS?

The only thing I will be recommended is to self refer myself to Talking Therapies, which I have tried in the past but it hasn't helped either.

I'm going through an outburst of anger which just won't dissipate. The hatred inside me towards my in-laws just grows and grows inside. I'm worried I will fall majorly sick one day, I need to get these nasty people out of my system completely.

Thanks @Foreverhope1

I have gone low contact with the MIL, the hate I have for her runs deep.

Have gone no contact with husband's brother and brother's wife, they're shameless, full of arrogance and have zero respect. They misused my money and did not bother showing any gratitude at all. Not a word of thanks or sorry. Instead, they've been acting smart by not wishing me on my birthday, sort of like trying to punish me because I pressurized him to give me my money back. He told my husband, the money is going to come back now or later, it is yours. It was said in a very condescending way, showing no remorse.

His wife plays the most cunning games, no one can win against her, she's so savvy. She wished my husband in a family group which has all the cousins etc and she was the first one to wish in that group. She pretends well. She has played dirty politics with us, so much that the brothers have distanced themselves. She pretends to be innocent infront of her hubby, tells him we are the bad ones and we ignore her messages. The reality is that she likes to create drama from behind the scenes, make bitchy faces at us, bitches about us, uses us when she needs something and the list goes on. Infront of cousins/extended family she portrays to be holier than thou.

We're sick of her behaviour, she's built such a goody girl image that nobody believes us if we tell them who she really is.

She definitely tries to compete, we just ignore.

I will definitely try to be a warrior, nothing less than that, I'm just struggling majorly mentally and I need to sort that out first.

Hi @RedRidingGood I'm sorry you've been through so much.

You're right, it is painful and you end up feeling lost and alone.

I'm out of the country at the moment but I'll start looking for a counsellor once I feel better. I'm recovering from covid, feel quite low.

I need to focus on my baby and my well-being, everything else should take a backseat. I've realised my in-laws are toxic pieces of shit who do not care/feel ashamed/guilt over what they've put me through. I'm suffering with poor mental health, feel battered, keep crying, questioning myself over and over again, go from feeling anger to resentment to regret over getting married into this family and just can't seem to get out of this.

In the meantime, they've been enjoying, they are super focused in their work, they go to parties etc. I have seen their posts on social media. I could never sleep well, knowing I've hurt someone so badly and misused their money. What the heck, I would never take someone's money without permission in the first place.

The hatred towards my in-laws grows day by day and I feel I will explode some day. They're the worst kind.

I need to find a way to be happy again

Oh gosh I'm sorry you've had to put up with this .. as soon as we stand our ground we are labelled the trouble makers but honestly the only way to peace of mind and space from all that is to hold on through the pain and not give in . All the "feedback" we have to put up with is exhausting but pushing back and calling out offensive behaviour feels good even if it makes us the target of the eye roll brigade

You write and describe the situations to well.. I think journaling might help
If you can find a secure way of doing that // but also getting it out of you even onto a forum like this is great
..

so well
**

Hi @doubleshotcappuccino thanks, I have these things etched in my mind. I find it shocking and depressing to say the least how toxic people can be, and how, after doing all the shit they do, the dirty gamed, shitty politics, stealing money, etc. they do not feel any sense of shame, remorse or guilt. I'm sad I never got an apology for anything and I struggle to accept that I never will.

They know I lack confidence and they take advantage of that. How do I build my confidence and self-esteem?

You build this by valuing yourself and valuing your opinions.

Remember that if you don't value someone's opinion then you can simply say " you are entitled to your opinion" without getting drawn in.

Imagine a scene on a stage in a theatre; Amateur Dramatics.

They are the players and they are acting but it's not convincing and you can see right through them.

They want you to come up on stage and take part in the drama.

But you want to stay in the audience so you don't go up on stage because you don't want to be associated with such cringeworthy and poor performances in a drama that make you uncomfortable and sick.

Stay in your seat op, may be look at your phone instead. Do not engage with them, then make a quick exit when you can.

That is what you do. Don't get drawn into their drama.

Maintain your dignity.

Dis associate. Not your drama. Don't get involved.

Feign boredom if anything.

Practice yawning and deep breaths instead of responding to them.

Good luck

@Newstaronthehorizon great advice.. . @shininglight16 you ask how to build your self esteem but I think you're already doing it . Along with every contributor on here who had posted thanks to you we are all calling out this behaviour. Instead of shrugging our shoulders like my mum used to do or accepting it, those years of being told you're too dark,fat, lazy etc haven't left their mark so deep that we can't be part of a group of women who push back and say no . I hope we can keep these joint voices together to offer support.

This is good advice, grey rock technique just don’t engage, don’t share, don’t repond.

Also this book is good, you only have so many fucks to give, don’t give them all to your in-laws.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713

@shininglight16

First, I’m not South Asian - I’m white, and I’m in California. I have some words that may apply - I hope, anyhow.
First, people can only do to you what you allow them to do: be SO TOUGH AND STRONG that no matter what these jealous in-law women say or do it has no effect on you whatsoever. Water off a duck’s back.
I’m guessing they’re shitty to you because they know it gets under your skin. Don’t, under ANY circumstances, let them see you upset. After they leave, then you can scream.
They’re bitterly, horribly jealous of you and your beauty and your success - and of the fact that their baby boy is in love with you. Don’t for a second think they aren’t. And don’t for a second think that your MIL’s MIL didn’t treat her like crap - where do you think your MIL learned it all???
You’re beautiful. You’re kind. You’re successful. You have a loving husband. Your in-laws have been bitten by the big red ugly (jealousy) beast. Let them be miserable while you bask in the glory that is YOUR LIFE!!!
Sending love across a continent and an ocean.

I'll read the book thanks a lot

Your analysis is correct @DreamTheMoors . Should I block them on WhatsApp? DH's brother's wife messaged me 4 days after my birthday, on my DH's birthday to wish 'belated happy birthday '. This was after she had wished DH in the family group, to show everyone how good she is. She likes to portray she's the best DIL and we're the bad ones.

So she wishes DH at 9.47am in the group and then wishes me at 9.49am, 4 days late. She and DH's brother did not bother wishing me on my birthday, some other cousins did on that group. I'm not a part of the group since I left that group long ago, but DH keeps me informed. So there's no way they would have forgotten. She's constantly playing games, she likes to save her arse just in case I bring up that she didn't wish me. The wish was a cold one and I didn't bother replying or wishing. I blocked her after a few days, was I right in doing so? I'm not good at playing games or being cunning, I wish I knew better. I know all of this sounds so petty and childish, it's so sad. She doesn't need to do that.

She's done loads of other things to dominate and compete, she's lost the plot. I thought I'd have her as a friend and was looking forward to spending time together but boy was I wrong. She doesn't give a shit about DH and me, in fact, she's happy we left since the family business is now being handled by DH's brother. Nothing fancy, always in debts but whateve money is made now goes to them, no more splitting with us. She hated both brothers being together in business, her parents had also some snide remarks, indirectly displaying jealousy and insecurity.

MIL will never trust a word I say against her, hence, I've stopped. I'm also considering not contacting or meeting them when I visit my country, I just have zero interest in having to deal with them and their fakeness.

Of course, not getting an apology nor seeing a change in attitude sucks, but there's nothing I can do anymore. The damage is done.

I need to get them out of my system, especially the MIL who has been absolutely pathetic. She's the kind who would wail at funeral if I died, to show people how much she loved me and then go partying in the night. She 'pretended' to care loads about her MIL, kept saying I really wanted to look after her blah blah yet she did nothing for her, didn't stay with her or take her to the doctors etc before she died. A whole load of bullshit, she kept weeping whenever someone asked her about the old lady and then was perfectly normal again. Man, what an uneducated crassy woman she is!

Hi op, how have you been doing since then?

Hi @chantelion thanks for checking on me. I've been very depressed and things haven't improved either. The MIL calls DH to speak to my daughter and I hardly interact. She knows I'm not interested in her, but she most likely thinks I'm the bad one. I'm done with her.

Hey OP, how are you? Are things a little bit better for you now?

Hey, I wish I could say that things were better, they're actually a lot worse.

My in-laws were here recently for 2.5 weeks and I opened up to them, telling them the things they'd done wrong and how I had been in pain and how my mother had left crying because of their actions last time they were here, and my parents were here too, they had overlapped for a week.

I also mentioned how their younger son had done me wrong and stolen my money (long story) and that him and his wife had been incredibly disrespectful to me all the time.

I then moved on to how she (my MIL) had ruined my breastfeeding since the doctors said she had interfered too much (plus caused me so much stress which I didn't get around to telling her but which dropped my supply).

She went berserk, she started screaming like a maniac, she raised her tone and lashed at me like a psychopath. She accused me of 'breaking the family and the bond between the brothers' which is hilarious, her younger son has never respected me and steals my money but she can't see that? Instead of being empathetic and apologetic for their actions, she defended her son by shoving her dirty ego and arrogance down at me, 'he's given your money back so you should move on now' and basically showing no accountability for her son's lack of ethics, no remorse over her ruining something so important for me and absolutely zero empathy for making my mother cry.

She left the house screaming at the top of her voice, calling me names, cursing me that I would never be happy in life and my daughter wouldn't respect me or want to be with me. She also said I was 'taking revenge' since she had made my mother cry.

I was disgusted, felt my hatred intensify and really wanted to give her a slap for running her filthy mouth and for cursing me and saying the most evil things. I've shared this with friends and they all agree she's a narcissist and the whole family is like that.

They have no ethics, no integrity, lie and twist the trust and gaslight people, which makes them feel powerful and superior to others.

My husband's brother messaged him to say that 'respect is a two way street' and that he had returned every penny back so why was I carrying so much resentment. He also feigned ignorance and claimed to have 'no recollection' of him and his wife disrespecting me.

I'm done with their shitty toxic behaviour, yes it has impacted my mental health severely and I'm seeking support for that. They're the worst one can get in life.

This has also affected my equation with my husband since he tried to downplay it by saying 'my mother just said it in the heat of the moment, you also get mad at me when you're angry and say things you don't mean'.

I'm extremely depressed about my life choices and to be honest, I do think I made a mistake marrying this man. I've started interacting a lot less and he doesn't seem to care, busy watching TV, doing his work and just living his life like he always does.

They're all telling me to 'move on' like it never happened.

I hear you my love. I am you as well. It’s shit and has consumed my life. Sending you a very understanding hug.

I'm so sorry to hear that, yes it does consume your life. My MIL obviously gives two hoots about what she's done to me. She's busy having fun and calls up her son with such a nonchalant attitude. She even messaged him to say 'she's so worried about him' trying to imply that I'm a devil and a bad wife who tortured her husband. Honestly she's just another typical MIL, just like all of them are. She's a disgrace and I really don't care about her anymore. She had the audacity to say that I'm like her daughter, it shows in her behaviour!

My husband's brother has been sending these emotionally manipulative messages to my husband too, all of them showing 'concern' for their son/brother but none for my well-being!