Can't cope with in-laws anymore

[shininglight16]

I've never liked my in-laws, they were a red flag from the start.

My MIL is a typical bitchy cunning woman, who plays all sorts of games to show she's a Ms. Goody two shoes when she's not.

I went through deep depression early on in my marriage and she knew that yet, she created a big scene when I refused to go to to her other daughter-in-law's brother's engagement party. I was in a bad state, I couldn't think right, yet, all she cared about was what would others think. Typical Asian mentality. She not only spoke to me rudely then, I caught her bitching about me with her son, who's wife's brother's engagement we were invited to.

She was also never there for me emotionally or morally during that time. All she cared about was playing cards with her friends.

There was also another time when I was completely ill with a bad flu and couldn't get out of bed. She came over to stay with me as DH was out of town for work. She cooked but never spent time with me. I'd have dinner alone, in pain, whilst she was out playing cards, drinking and smoking. She came home at 12 or 1 in the night and made pathetic excuses of being stuck in traffic, when the pub/club she went to was just a 10 min drive away.

She's constantly put me down, belittled me, criticized my way of parenting, told me I'm not fast enough in bathing my newborn (I'm a FTM), interfered in my breastfeeding journey and basically criticized every little thing I've done. If someone else bitches about me, she agrees with them too. However, when she needed money for something, she said I was there to give money and looked at me in a dominating way as in, you will give it won't you?

Her other son borrowed money from me to pay some bills and did not return for a year. I lost my cool and instead of telling him off, she got upset that I brought up the money topic in front of my mom, because according to her what happens at home stays at home and in-laws is home but my mom's an outsider.

She's done loads of other things like wait till my husband comes home from work to criticize me infront of him and look at his reaction. She even did loads of drama when we were choosing our wedding venue. She told her son she wouldn't come to our wedding if we didn't pick a fancy place. We ended up spending so much to invite people who haven't even been in touch with us since.

She made faces at me at our wedding too, she was discontent about something not sure what, I think she was expecting dowry?

There's lots more but my FIL is pretty pathetic too, although not as bad as her. My daughter is down with covid and has had a reaction to her 16 weeks vaccination and I fear she will blame me for it, like she does for everything that goes wrong in our lives. In her eyes, her son is perfect and I'm no good. She loves her other daughter-in-law who treated me like shit when I was newly married. I've tried speaking up but my MIL won't even listen to what I have to say. She shoots me down and tells me she won't believe a word of what I say about her. That girl comes from a rich family and the MIL stays at her house cos she (my in-laws) had to sell off their home to pay off her debts. This DIL has played dirty games with me and DH but MIL is blind, she will never go against someone who's rich.

I could go on and on but what a pathetic toxic family I've been blessed with after marriage. I despise them to the core. Their ego, arrogance, sick attitude, lack of support, bitchiness, gossip, high handed behaviour, lies, playing with my money and not being apologetic about anything makes me hate them even more. I feel stuck due to society and being isolated, need advice on how to tackle this situation. I have no privacy even, they like to blabber every little thing to relatives. Hate them!

I say this from experience, you need to not only physically distance yourself but also emotionally- stop caring and wanting to know more / wanting to understand her actions.

When you have this barrier, you will be able to live your life for you/your kids and your husband if he wants it (I had it out with mine like this and that's what I told him - I laid it all out and asked him what his priorities are when his family have never cared about me or funnily enough even our kids but want to make demands he still wants to put his family needs above our own little family )

Getting a job really helps -it gives some kudos to you in your marriage too - you are not someone to be walked over

Thanks for your reply @RedRidingGood . I unfortunately do not have supportive family. My dad thinks it wouldn't be right for him to comment and my mom keeps quiet too. Typical Asian mentality. They do feel my pain though. They have seen me have fights with my hubby and will always ask me to calm down. They don't want me to ruin my marriage. My DH is a good guy, both him and I have been through so much shit together after moving to the UK. His SIL treated us badly when we moved here and he stood up for me then. We went no contact with her in 2019, when we'd moved here and she'd put me into deep depression.

My in-laws did not support me then and defended her instead. They treat me like an outsider. I tried to share what I'd been through and they cut me off, as if, I had no rights to speak.

I do have a job, a really well paid one and not trying to brag, but I earn more than the DH. We've been able to buy a house within 2 years of us moving to the UK, I did 2 jobs back then. My SIL got mad when I asked DH to make tea and toast for me as I was getting late for an interview. We had just moved here. She threw a fit and called me a bad wife for asking DH to make tea and toast for me. She said I should be doing everything on my own and washing his plate too. She told him not to wash his plate after dinner, that was my job.

In-laws have not once supported me in any way, they're pathetic human beings.

I have thought of giving up and divorcing but I do love DH, he's a good husband, caring, loyal, supportive and a hands on dad too. There are scary men out there, me and DH go a long way back. I just need peace of mind, my mental health is failing and DH is struggling too career wise.

We need help, both of us.

Thanks @Ash099 please do read my response above, yes I do have a job. Right now my mental health is failing, I need to look after myself and gain some confidence. I've been dragged down by so many people, my own relatives, in-laws and sometimes even my parents, who are very negative and pessimistic.

I'm so sorry. I totally get it, and even our parents are full of negativity and lack of support. I hope you feel better soon, be strong and remember you owe it to yourself to be well. Sending you much love x

@shininglight16 I'm so sorry to hear that your family wasn't supportive. I hate this Asian mentality of how we need to "adjust" to our in-laws. Great that you have a well paying job. That puts you in a good position.

Have you tried marriage counseling, even if your DH isn't keen you can go for counseling to learn how to manage the bad behaviour from your in-laws.

I feel your pain, as mentioned before I was in your position. At one point I was suicidal :( I too moved from another country to the UK hoping it would change but only got worse for me.

We can't change the behaviour of horrid in-laws. What you can do is make changes for yourself - save as much money as you can, talk to your DH, and go for counseling.

I know you're not keen on a divorce (and I 100% understand why), but just know that yes, your DH is a good man but there are also other good men out there who are able to stand up for their wives.

Your peace of mind is very important for yourself and your child. These people don't own you. Do try counseling.

If you were to tell your in-laws off would DH be offended?

PS/ why is this in-laws issue so entrenched in our culture? Surely it's beneficial for family to along?

@shininglight16 I have to tell you, my ex in-laws used to bully my parents too. Devils the lot of them.

You sound absolutely amazing op!!

I think there is a lot of jealousy here and congratulations on your newborn!

Unfortunately, your SIL and your MIL only want to see you in the bottom ranking to give themselves power and prestige.

They are not kind and you will have to put your work hat on to deal with them.

Try to take the emotion out of it and steel yourself in advance before you deal with them. Like mentally put on a suit of armour and practice what you want to say in a mirror but always remain neutral, I'd they say something rude, repeat it back with a ? Questioning tone without answering.

Try to be objective and do not rise to the bait.

Mental torture is a thing so please go to your GP and try and limit your interactions, say next to nothing.

When it comes to your baby, it's your shout so do not let them bring you down.

Use a baby monitor to record them!!

Play it back to your husband if you need to give him evidence of what they are like.

It's wonderful that you have a great job as that is your passport out of that situation.

There are many other SE women who understand what you are going through and can empathize, see if you can find a group where you can unwind with.

Please try and keep your sense of humour and don't take anything they say seriously.

You have so much going for you op, please don't let them bring you down.

Write in a notebook comments they make, be open about it. Saying I am going to keep a record of all the advice you are giving me!
Write it down and then forget about it rather than internalise it.

It really is pathetic and warped op, try not to focus on them. Focus on the good things and your gorgeous baby.

Good luck 🤞

I'm already the bad DIL, she looks at me with hate. I don't give a f what she thinks about me, I know I'm way above her!

Thank you so much @Ash099 you're so kind. I feel lighter sharing this with strangers on MN. I know there's light at the end of the dark tunnel. I'll get there some day. I just feel so lonely, don't have any real friends in the UK, to be honest have no friends, SIL and her husband turned out to be shit, in-laws pathetic, parents are pretty weak and unsupportive, brother a narcissist and DH struggling with his own things. I'm all alone, I do feel very lonely. Trying to lift myself, I know I need mental health support.

@RedRidingGood I hate the word "learn to adjust". That's exactly what my MIL tells me when I resist her bullshit. She gives me a stern look and says you need to learn to adjust.

I haven't tried marriage counselling but have thought of it in the past. Could you please advise how I go on about this and how much do they charge on average? Are you based in London and is anyone good enough that you'd recommend him/her to me? What should I expect at these sessions? I've only heard of them, never delved into it.

I know you think I'd be better off away from my husband and to find someone else, I'm sure there are good men out there but with everything I've been through since childhood, my confidence has been hit hard. I am in depression, have had terrible anxiety, suicidal thoughts and a lack of moral support from all sides. I have pathetic relatives who I need to hide everything from since they love gossip and will do absolutely nothing to help. I have to be careful, they love poking their nose and trying to dig info, why did hubby and I move here, what happened to the business back home etc. My dad's sisters and mom's siblings are so toxic they keep gossiping about us behind our backs. We really have no one we can call our family outside of our unit.

As for DH getting offended, yes he would, he's been taught to treat elders with respect no matter what. I get that, no one tolerates their mom and dad being told off. I have tried discussing with MIL but she won't listen, she cuts me off and says she doesn't believe a thing I say. That has only made me resent her more and feel anger and hate towards her. She won't acknowledge her mistakes, she's a typical orthodox, narrow minded, regressive woman who believes in exercising her authority and power over someone who she considers to be weaker than her.

One of my best mates has asked me to write everything down and speak to her again some day. I'm seriously considering that, if she still dismissed and discredits everything I will tell her to f off and cut contact with her completely. I need to wait to see her in person for that, the hatred is so deep now it won't go away.

DH does stand up for me but he doesn't understand certain things about his mom, which only I can see. I need to protect my child from the evil woman, she's even spoken crap to her about me. DD can't understand she's only 4 months but what if this woman keeps talking crap about me to her as she grows up? I mean how low can one stoop?

The women around me have been majorly jealous, I wish I could rise from my sorrow and show them how much better I am than them. I'm failing at the moment, I'd like to see the day I slap them on their face with my success, happy marriage and good mental/physical health.

@shininglight16 OP, I saw a marriage counselor in my home country. My advice would be to find someone (marriage counselor or therapist) who is in close proximity to where you live so you can't skip the sessions because of distance/accessibility. Can I suggest you speak to the marriage counselor on your own before you bring or get your DH involved?
Oh, I totally hear you. At one point my ex in-laws were harassing me during my housewarming ceremony in my home country. When I stood up for myself I was told I was rude. They surrounded me as we were arguing, I was sat in a chair and they were standing around me. Constantly saying I was rude etc - I was only 25. It's a way of manipulating and controlling women. I was in a very bad place, and I have to admit I felt afraid and intimidated. So many other incidents. My then H was a so called good guy - good job, decent, no womanizing etc but I was just so unhappy and constantly depressed.
When I was leaving my then husband I was terrified I would never find someone (left when I was 32), my family was incredibly unsupportive of my decision to divorce him because... what would people say!
I have to say - It was easier for me as I did not have children, with a child it is definitely harder to walk away - it's more complicated.
Take baby steps, do things within your control. Saving as much money as you can would be something that you need to do - just as a back up! No one should be able to access your bank account or know how much £ you have saved up.
Start with a marriage counselor/therapist- that is already a big step and puts you in a better place as you'll have someone advocating and meditating for your marriage and for you.
Do you have to sort out visa etc to stay in the UK? Do speak to an immigration lawyer for if you need (I can recommend if you do need).
Get yourself in a position where you are completely independent. So if you decide to stay you're not doing it because you're afraid or reliant on your DH or anyone. If you decide to leave then you'll be in a good position. You will have to make this decision but whatever you decide on remember this - you're capable and will be ok.
You don't deserve to suffer like this. My then H used to say that I was making him choose between his family and me, his wife. It used to wreck me with guilt but you know what... it was his family making him choose.
If you are struggling with friends - Join meet-ups, do networking events etc to create a new social network for yourself.
One step at a time, love. Start sorting things that are within your control and put you in a better headspace.
This is your life, you need to be happy. No one is allowed to take that away from you.

@shininglight16 sorry to add: marriage counseling involves listening to both parties. Seeing what the goal is and how to best support that. Mine had to explain to them H that our marraiage was in an inner circle and everything else was outside. Look a few up thats close to you and call them up, speak to them till you find one that you feel comfortable opening up to.

@shininglight16 Also, don't worry about gossip. Who gives a shit about other people have to say - they probably have their own problems.

Thanks @Newstaronthehorizon you couldn't have said it better. It's a bit hard to record things as she does it spontaneously and I'm not with my phone to be able to record immediately. I'm also unable to socialize, or go to any meet ups, I have a baby now and she needs my full attention. I do go to the children's centre near my home at times.

I will start noting it down in a journal now, I want to keep as much proof as I possibly can.

Thanks @RedRidingGood so I am definitely depressed but I don't necessarily want to divorce my husband. We've been through a lot together and he's stood beside me through thick and thin.

I have told him to speak to his mom and if things stay the way they are, I will cut her off completely. He seems to understand that.

I am now going to be standing up for myself and not allowing her to walk all over me. I'm going to go to a marriage counsellor as well it is very much needed. As for our visa status, I already have the ILR so not to worry. Finances are joint but to be fair, he pays all bills, mortgage etc whilst I save my salary.

I need better planning for the future and full control of my life. I need to he in a better mental space to be able to look after DD well. I have dreams and goals I'd like to achieve, I deserve to be happy too. I'm struggling to make friends, I feel it's not that easy in this country, people already have their groups and cliques. It's even more difficult when you have a baby who needs you full-time. I'll have to find a way to socialize without compromising on looking after my baby.

I just need to build my confidence and self esteem, I have been battered and mentally abused for too long.

Spend more time on your own and making your own life.
Try not to get between DH and his mother but expect that your husband commits to you and makes a happy home with you.
Do not give anyone your money and don't take theirs.
Spend as little time as you can with his family but behave kindly and with respect.
You have to live with yourself.
Try to put the MIL out of your mind. Stop obsessing over her.

But when you had the flu it is right that she spent no time with you. She cooked and cared but would not have wanted to have caught the flu.

Hi @user1492757084 I am not obsessing over her, she's treated me so badly that I feel traumatized by it all.

I had a life threatening flu, not a simple flu and she did not cook and care, she cooked because her son asked her to. There were times when she didn't cook and I waited for her to come home with food, which could he at 11pm, way beyond dinner time. I was very weak and I didn't expect her to spend time with me, but at least be at home in case I fell more sick or needed help with something. I was bed ridden for a week, surely you wouldn't be out till 12 or 1am, drinking and playing cards if someone in your family was ill at home? I never expected her to come sit beside me. Also, the flu was not contagious through human to human contact, it happened because of a deadly mosquito bite when we were living abroad.

I feel so distraught, been thinking about all the mental abuse in-laws have subjected me to and feel so sad and empty from inside. I was so happy the day I got married, I looked forward to spending time with his family, making new friends within the family, having people I could be close to, share good moments with etc but none of that happened. I was beaten down at every step, told I'm not good enough, criticized, bitched about and isolated from the start. I had a fight with my husband today because I felt I needed to vent out everything I've been through. I'm traumatized, I used to be a chirpy happy go lucky person but I seem to have lost my spark over the years. There's a cloud of sadness over me and I'm always depressed and unhappy.

None of my accomplishments or struggle has been recognized, I don't expect praises but when they say our son has done this and that, so have I and much more but they can't see that. I'm an outsider and always will be.

@shininglight16 Hi Op, sounds like a rough day. You don't need anyone to recognize or validate your accomplishments- not everyone is magnanimous. This sort of behavior is typical in a patriarchal culture.

How are you getting on with finding a marriage counselor or therapist. Focus your energy on finding a way to help yourself.

That's right I've had a very rough day today, I have a lot of resentment towards the in-laws. I was in the shower today and wanted to punch the tiles so badly. The anger is exploding, hate patriarchal families. I was dumb and naive, got married at the age of 31, not so young but definitely clueless about how Desi families work. I wish someone had guided me. @RedRidingGood

I'm looking for a counsellor, I've hit rock bottom.

My parents have a toxic relationship too, they got into an argument today and wouldn't stop. I just ran to the bathroom and cried.

It hurts knowing that my mom suffered because of her in-laws and I sadly enough, got the same kind.

Really sorry to hear you are going through this. Please try and get counsellor therapist support that will help deal with trauma and pain. Please count your blessings too as you said your husband supports you and doesn't take their side, this rarely happens as I'm sure you know. Try and see his support as something that can help you get over the pain and realise that he like you didn't choose for them to be that way.

You have a newborn, are you okay and getting enough sleep? Sleep when baby sleeps and try and enjoy these early days.

Please value yourself, you don't need validation from them or anyone. They will praise their son because it was them that raised him from a young age, whatever they say does not take away from you and everything you have done.. Your husband values you, surely that is all that really matters. Focus on building your own family now. You are lucky that you don't live with them, you have a physical distance and need to now emotionally separate yourself from what has happened in the past. Good luck.

Thanks @Ash099, I'm going through mental trauma and pain as you rightly said. My baby is in hospital, she got detected with covid and simultaneously reacted badly to the 16 week vaccine. We've been in hospital since the past 4-5 days. I'm up all night and go home in the day to sleep. She's getting better and sleeping well thankfully but she's also on a lot of antibiotics for the pain and infection.

I feel like a failure, her first Diwali and she spent it in hospital.

I've failed as a wife, daughter, mother and in every sphere of life. My confidence is all time low and I've put on so much weight. I binge eat to comfort myself. I need to get out of this pain and progress in life.