Hi OP, sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this. I know plenty of Muslim women who divorced from unhappy marriages. Yes, they were gossiped about and shunned and guess what? They’re all much happier now and some are even remarried to nicer partners. And over time, they were back in the community (because people have short memories and there’s always someone new to gossip about).
It sounds though you’re not ready to leave (and that’s ok). So here are a couple of suggestions…
- Firstly stop expecting any intimacy from him. It’s not going to happen and the more you argue over it, the more you bring yourself down (he might even like the attention you give him because you’re so bothered about it!). Start pulling yourself away from him emotionally and refocus on YOU (and your children).
- What do you like to do? Do you have any interests or hobbies? Any new skills you would like to learn? Any fitness goals? If you have some spare time, start investing in these things. It’s a good way to positively distract yourself from your unhappy marriage, widen your horizons, boost your confidence and make you happier.
- Pour time and energy in your children. Enjoy them. If he’s not around or always on his phone, plan nice outings with the kids and make wonderful memories. Don’t wait around for him. Pour your love into them.
- Don’t expect your community, the elders or your parents to understand or support you. They think you should just deal with it and will minimise your feelings. Spend more time cultivating friends and a social life. You don’t need to confide about your marriage if you’re not comfortable talking about it. Just enjoy being yourself and having a laugh. If you have the time, go out with friends - coffees, meals, the cinema or even just time to have a chat on the phone.
- If you have the money to, you may benefit from seeing a therapist. You’ve been minimised a lot, it may really help to speak to someone who’ll listen. Choose a therapist from a similar background as yourself so they’ll understand your cultural and religious implications. You can search for Asian female therapists online.
- In the other post you said that you have an entry level job. That’s amazing! Is there any opportunity for career development? As the kids get older and more independent, will you be able to work more hours? Focusing and improving your career is also a great area to focus your energy on and will help boost your finances if you do choose to separate in the future.
- Do you have your own bank account. If not, get one and start saving.
- You said that the house and mortgage is just in his name. Do you financially contribute to the house at all? When you feel ready to, speak to a lawyer (privately) over your rights to the house as you are legally married. I know the house hasn’t been paid off, but it would be good to know what you’re entitled to.
It’s really about mentally and emotionally pulling away from him and start focusing on yourself.
A warning - he will start noticing changes when you become less bothered and will try to charm you back into a false sense of security, but do NOT believe him.
This man tricked you into marrying him while offering other women money for sexual favours. He wants the veneer of a ‘perfect’ family image while treating you like shit behind close doors. And whatever you do don’t tell him about your finances, he’ll try to use this information to control or scare you.
I hope everything turns out well for you - good luck! 💐