Single mum of 8mth old co-sleeper desperately seeking advice

[lycheemartini]

I would be so grateful for any ideas on how to improve my dd?s sleep and reduce her reliance on breastfeeding to sleep. DD is 8 months, ebf and co-sleeps with me (exP threw us out when she was 8 weeks, after 11 years together). She has always refused a bottle of expressed milk and is cows milk protein intolerant so has never for example tried a bottle of formula at night. The co-sleeping wasn?t planned , but out of necessity as she has always been such a tenacious sleep fighter, who awoke the second she was placed in her moses basket. She slept well like this until 3 ½ months and it?s all been downhill from there.

At the moment she goes to bed about 8.30 (it?s too noisy where I am staying to attempt putting her to bed before this). I breastfeed her, she drops off quite quickly. I lie her on the bed, she wakes. I stroke her and say shush, she starts crying angrily, I lie on my side and feed her back off. She then wakes every 40 mins for a couple of hours and I feed her back off, or she cries angrily. I cannot leave the room as the bed is not safe to leave her on now that she rolls all over the place. I cannot have a single evening off. Through the night after that she wakes every 2 hours, then from 5am she wants to feed every 40mins again (often waking for long periods). She sleeps so lightly, she always wakes if I carefully turn over or go to the loo.

It definately seems to be getting worse. I?ve found out exP is seeing someone else this week and am pretty devastated, and I cannot ever get a break (have family willing to babysit if she?d allow it). In the day she breastfeeds to sleep, and if I put her down, at least 50% of the time she wakes and I have to feed her lying down. This prevents me putting her into a cot, as I can?t lie to feed her.

She?s looking really tired, and I go back to a demanding job in 3 months, I worry how she?ll cope getting off to sleep for someone else in the day. She very occasionally drops off in pram/car.

Does this spell the end for co-sleeping? I do enjoy the closeness and think it has been lovely for her. Should I try PUPD? I hate leaving her to cry, she gets very distressed and angry and I don?t have huge reserves of emotional strength at the moment. Have tried the no cry sleep solution, she won?t be swaddled/take a dummy. I can?t look at this situation rationally any more. She doesn?t have her own room either. Please help!

Hi there lychee. Glad you've had so much good feedback. DS didn't settle on his own either but he did eventually. He's now even starting to occasionally sleep through!

Keep doing what feels right to you. You're the only one who's her mum!

Thank you BertieBotts, Lady and Lizum. The co-sleeping and feeding to sleep feels really natural and lovely to me too.

I was just having such a bad week last week with early waking, and feeling both isolated and trapped at the same time, being unable to escape for a few much needed drinks whilst exP is off living it up, partying and shagging OW! (Sorry..not the place on sleep thread).

Anyway my DD is the most important thing to me and she's been soooo sweet this week and I don't want to battle her instinct to be close to me. The support has really helped, thank you all.

lychee...this brings back awful memories for me and so I wanted to say to you - do what helps YOU and ultimately this will help your baby. Don't be a slave to b/feeding or co-sleeping. I'm speaking as a HUGE advocate for both, so this says a lot really.

I'm a single mum - by choice (no ex in background) to twin boys who were premature. We co-slept for 5 YEARS!!! and they b/fed for 28 MONTHS! I absolutely supported the whole idea of attachment parenting/ Continuum Concept Parenting etc etc and made myself a martyr to my philosophy instead of making some sensible compromises.

I had no family around or friends to help out and for the first 5 months of their lives virtually never left the bedroom. We 'slept' (LOL as I barely ever did!) on a huge mattress affair on the floor - a double plus single made into one. So at least there was less fear of them falling off.

They b/fed during the night every 10 to 20 mins. It was pure hell at times. One would finally fall asleep only for the other one to wake up and start crying and if I didn't go to him immediately he'd wake his twin and so it'd go on all night and all day. In the end, I was practically hallucinating through lack of sleep (and I also had mastitis and breast thrush too - which was agony). I also had next door neighbours who would bang loudly on the walls, frightening the babies, every single time the babies cried and come roudn to complain all the time- which was HUGELY stressful for me.

If I had my time again, I'd have done these things differently: I'd have stopped b/feeding in the night much earlier and relied on formula/ bottles. I'd have stopped co-sleeping by around 9 mnth to 1 yr and had the twins in separate rooms so they didn't wake each other - although this wasn't possible at that time as we only had one available bdroom in the house. I'd have stopped martyring myself and found - somehow - far more childcare so I could catch up on sleep and sanity. I'd also have told the neighbours to p*-off rather than try to be sympathetic to them!

For you, there's only one baby, so I'm sure you could help him to begin learning how to settle himself a bit more. You've also got your mum there and although she's exhausted too, you could let her know more that this is the one time you really, really, really need more help. You could find friends or friends of friends (if you can't afford paid childcare) to help out in the daytime so you can take some time for you.

Don't do what I did. I don't at all regret my philosophy. What i do regret is martyring myself to it and thus spoiling the lovely experience of having them as babies. It's now all a blur as the twins are 9 now - but even now, one never sleeps more than 7 to 8 hrs a night, so it's still rather full-on. However, they both have their own rooms and beds now.

I was also surprised at how easily they just stopped b/feeding - cold-turkey - when they were 28 mnths and I couldn't bear it anymore and then they started to sleep better. Yrs later at age 5, they also overnight went straight from co-sleeping to their own beds and each having his own room. So, although obviously mine were a lot older when we did these things, don't underestimate your child's capacity to adapt and also that this might actually be better for your baby - if she has a happier, more relaxed mum.

Finally, your situation sounds in many ways so much harder than mine,as you're doing all this whilst going through your partner's horrible behaviour and abandonment. Try to remember that this is HIS loss and that he'll never have those better and precious moments with your baby that you have. Oneday your baby will be a young woman who is very close to you and adores you and will want to be there for you when you need her. What an idiot your partner is to fail to realise that he's let go of two things so precious - you and your DD. Good luck.

Hi Lychee, I recommend the Sears and Sears book too - or there is another one called Nighttime Parenting which I found helpful. I also found bfing and cosleeping felt really natural to me - still do both with my 2-year-old, but I spent about the first year feeling bad about it and feeling I should teaching him to be more independent. For me a huge turning point was moving the bed frame out of our room and putting two mattresses together on the floor -suddenly it felt like a choice I was making rather than something I was forced into. I think that children become independent from a secure base and some need more night time security than others - pushing them away when they need you is more likely to result in insecure children in the long term than 'independence'. From about 8 months I was able to feed my son to sleep on a mattress and then leave him for the evening whilst I went downstairs. He does fall out occasionally but it's not far to fall. When he was in a bed I used to surround the bed with pillows so that he would fall onto a soft surface - he did a couple of times and lived to tell the tale.
I was helped by going to India when he was 6 months old, everyone was co-sleeping, even with their 6 year olds! I didn't see a cot the whole time we were there and when we travelled no one ever asked where he was going to sleep, they just assumed he'd be in with us. That really normalised things for me, and it also made me see what rubbish all the stuff about having to learn independence and self-settling as a baby is - after all, I didn't see any lack of independence in all the Indian children or adults we met, all presumably the product of co-sleeping.
What's important is making it tolerable for you so you can enjoy it and get on with parenting in the way you want to.

Solo2 and nesomja I just logged on and saw your messages, thank you, I will respond later on when I have some more time