3+ week old baby will not settle to sleep

[clearlycrystal74]

I am at my wits end and getting really worried... My daughter (first child) is just over three weeks old and will not fall asleep on her own, ever. Even though she must be tired she screams the house down when put down in her moses basket and this can go on for hours with myself or my husband making repeated trips to try to comfort her (picking up and rocking, putting soother back in, stroking/shusshing, etc.). Is this normal?? We are really starting to suffer from lack of sleep! Additionally I am getting really worried (make that terrified!) about how I am going to manage when husband leaves in a few days to work abroad as it just is not feasible to live with a baby constantly attached to me (I do need to shower, eat, do laundry, etc.) in addition to the seemingly neverending battle to get her to sleep. She will not be put down anywhere without screaming and won't stop until she is picked up again. Has anyone else had anything similar and if so how did you manage? I am getting desparate!

Very normal but have you got a sling as that gae me the space to so stuff and settle dd. It does get easier but babies when young do néed lots of human comfort.

Also baby rocker was good although think dd wAs slightly older when she got into that and it had sounds and lights on to entertain.

Hard though it is you can leave them safely in mat or in Moses basket for a few minutes while you do stuff.

Very normal yes. Some people get babies who are happy to be put down, but plenty don't.

It is surprisingly feasible to do everything (except shower) with a baby attached to you - you just need to get yourself a comfortable sling (I used a close carrier with dc2, but there are plenty of options out there) which will allow you to have your hands free.

You might also want to consider cranial osteopathy, just in case she has a sore head that is aggravated by being put down. It has been known to calm many a fractious baby.

Well, firstly congratulations and yes, it is absolutely normal.

Don't forget that only 3 weeks ago she was curled up inside you - its a massive readjustment for her to make to being expected to lie down on her own and go to sleep.

Have you tried carrying her round in a sling? It often calms them very effectively and means you can get on with things using two hands (ok, showering will still be a problem but maybe try taking a bath with her?). It must be really nerve wracking if your DH is leaving to work away in a few days, and you are worried about how you will manage alone.

My honest advice is that you will almost certainly find it easier to adjust your expectations of her and accept that she is a baby that needs a lot of holding and closeness, than you will find it to try change her needs.

Good luck

Totally, totally normal. Really difficult to cope with when you're going through it though. You have do have my sympathy but it will get better. I remember my dd settled down a bit around 7/8 weeks.

Some suggestions:

I agree with getting a sling. We had a wrap around kari me one and my dd would at least sleep in it so we could do other things and take turns to have a bit of a sleep.

Try a hot water bottle in the moses basket and obviously take it out before you put her down but it eases the transition for them I think.

I never actually managed to ever get my dd to settle in a moses basket but we had a swinging crib for night time and she would eventually go off after some swinging. We also had a music maker thing to go on the crib and you can get ones that make white noise or a heart beat sound.

Are you bfing? I used to lie down with my dd to bf and have a bit of a doze. I followed safety guidlines which you can find online for co-sleeping and I found it just gave me that little bit of extra sleep.

Regarding your husband going away - is ther anyone else who can come and hold her for a bit while you get a nap?

My DD was exactly the same for the first few weeks. It DOES get easier.

Definitely use a sling - it saved my sanity.

You may find DD is calmer if you bring her into the bathroom in a pram or something while you shower as the white noise of the water is often soothing. Do you have an extractor fan? Same applies to that. Also a hairdryer.

Get on Youtube and search for Happiest Baby On The Block and watch the Richard and Judy extract with Dr Harvey Karp. The calming method he demonstrates really does work and may allow you to put your baby down a bit more without her going completely ballistic all the time.

Remember - babies are basically stone age creatures. It's a defence mechanism to protest when you try and put them down - after all, in evolutionary terms, it makes them less likely to be eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger or trodden on by a woolly mammoth... They don't know they're in the 20th Century!

And Congratulations!!

Perfect illustration of Immaculada's point

Yes completely normal

DS is 7 weeks old and is my fourth baby, none of them have wanted to be put down.

With DD1 we resorted to cosleeping and have done with each of them ever since, with the help of a bedside cot.

At the moment DS seems to prefer his car seat, for example he is asleep in it just now having just come back from the school run, I basically just brought the car seat in the house, lifting him out would have woken him up. He needs to be attached to me from 5 to 10pm every day which isn't easy with other DC. I agree a sling is a godsend.

Try researching the fourth trimester which basically tells you that human babies are born too early (but need to be for their huge heads) there is a missing 3 months that they should have been in the womb, they need the comfort of the womb, so warmth, noise, heartbeat, Mum basically. Makes a lot of sense.

This is the tough time it does get better

eekamouse

Exactly!!

Thanks everyone... I am so tired and frustrated. Everyone keeps saying that things will get easier but when you are exhausted and spending two+ hours trying to coax a baby to sleep in the middle of the night (and day!) things just seem so hopeless.

It's a complete shock to the system, clearly crystal, and either no-one warns you of this, or you can't really understand how difficult it can be until you're in the midst of it. Sleep deprivation is awful and it can really bugger you up.

I can remember thinking 'what the bloody hell have I done?' And I spent a lot of time bursting into tears. Not how I imagined things beforehand.

But things will be OK.

Just try the things that have been suggested and things will get easier all the time. Keep coming on here as well.

Thanks Besom... As much as I wouldn't want anyone else to be going through this it is good to know that it's not just me!

Huge congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby.
And huge sympathy on the "not-being able to put down' thing.
And it is normal (well, was for me x 3).
And it does get easier.
Nap when you can.
And is it possible to get any help in when your DH is away? (cleaner for a couple of hours/someone to iron/food deliveries or take aways...)
And, if you can face going out, try popping in to your local well-baby clinic/breastfeeding support centre/Health Visitor drop in... You might meet some other real life mums going through exactly the same!
I met someone at one who gently asked how everything was going, and when I burst into tears, told me not to worry, everyone is like that for three months. Think she saved my sanity...
Good luck

No it certainly isn't just you!

And that's an important thing to hold on to - because I can remember feeling like I must be doing something wrong or different to everyone else, which made me feel a bit rubbish. But I really wasn't. I was doing a grand job and so are you, I'm sure.

By the way, if you meet someone (often, but not always from another generation) whose baby slept through from Day 3, ignore them.

And carry on caring for your little baby as best you can.

Thanks for all the suggestions... I did try a sling but just couldn't get on with it and by the time I managed to stuff the poor child in we were both traumatised (and I did have quite a few goes at it) but I do have a baby carrier which she does seem to tolerate a bit more so I will persevere with that. Wrapping/swaddling did not work- she just got really angry and screamed and wriggled until her arms were free again.

I will definitely go to the health visitor clinic - It does help a lot to talk about things...

Some of the advice I've had from, um, another generation does sound awful... One person told me that I should just let the poor dear cry/scream until she exhausted herself and went to sleep - 'That would teach her', 'you need to train the baby not let the baby train you', etc. And that by responding to her cries and giving her lots of attention will 'spoil' her. All of this goes against what is sort of instinctive and then coupled with being exhausted and emotional just makes me feel worse...

Thanks so much for listening/reading everyone - I'm really glad I posted and hopefully it's okay to keep asking for advice/opinions - it's all been really helpful.

Hey, clearlycrystal - don't ever let anyone try and tell you to train a new born baby - can't be done, it would just make you and her miserable. You can't spoil a baby at this age. She needs to be cuddled and you are doing the right thing by cuddling her as much as you can. But yes, for the sake of your sanity, get other people to help with other stuff if possible - or to maybe take over the cuddling for an hour while you grab a little sleep.

You'd be amazed at how quickly this phase passes - when you're out the other side! But yes, it's tough and sleep deprivation is shit, but part of life as a mum, I'm afraid.

I highly recommend reading "What Mothers Do (Especially When It Looks Like Nothing)" by Naomi Stadlen - puts loads of stuff brilliantly into perspective, including the exhaustion.

BTW just realised that I said babies don't know what century they're in - well clearly I don't either... twenty FIRST century I should have said (I blame the exhaustion....)

Clearlycrystal, well done for surviving 3 weeks. InmaculadaConcepcion talks a lot of sense - the Harvey Karp stuff is great, and a sling is what has saved the sanity of many of us. She might cope with being put down in a baby swing / automatically powered bouncy chair / hammock for short periods while you have a few minutes off. I gave up showering and used the disposable cleansing wipes instead - much quicker.

Go with your instinct on the crying. Babies under 3/4 months have hardly any ability to calm themselves down once they get into a state, so leaving them to cry is pretty much always unproductive. Sleep training is only appropriate for older babies (and many people wouldn't recommend leaving older babies to cry either). You really can't spoil a baby this age.

I'd second the book 'What mothers do' - I think the chapter on exhaustion is titled 'So tired I could die', which puts things in perspective really. But lots of us have come out the other end (relatively) unscathed, although it seemed like forever at the time.

I would co-sleep as she may settle better if cuddled up to you. Don't worry about getting into bad habits at this stage. The first three/four months are all about survival. After that, babies calm down and are a bit more able to cope with being outside the womb.

Congratulations and keep going. It will pass.

Cuddle your baby to sleep. You cannot spoil her! At this age, she is so young that once she falls into a deep sleep, you can put her down anywhere.

As for self soothing - don't worry about that until 4+ months. Then you can gently teach (not train, I hate that phrase!).

Get yourself a baby bouncer chair and you can pop her in that while you shower etc.

The screaming might be because she is overtired. Try not to keep her awake more than 45mins - 2 hours at any one time. The baby carrier should help her get off to sleep!

Iggly, despite using the word 'train', I agree with you on teaching babies to sleep. They are people, after all, not performing monkeys...

Have you tried swaddling? swaddle tight and then cuddle to sleep, once asleep gently place into moses basket, in the manner of defusing a bomb. Remove hands one mm at a time .

Igglybuff... We've tried cuddling her to sleep and even when she is deeply asleep as soon as we go anywhere like in the direction of her bed her eyes go shooting wide open and stay that way!

We have a bouncy chair and she sits in it for a minute before screaming the house down. I've been putting her in it in the mornings while I shower, do the dishes, have breakfast and do the laundry (how does someone so tiny produce so much dirty laundry?!) and sometimes she will eventually fall asleep for a short nap after putting her soother in a few times.

I'm trying desparately to get her to sleep more! It's so disconcerting knowing that she MUST be tired but to be faced with a pair of giant, wide open eyes, a yawning little mouth and she just won't sleep!! My days are spent trying to get her to sleep. I will definitely try using the carrier more. Just now I put the vacuum cleaner by her moses basket and left it running which seems to have put her to sleep. I suspect that as soon as it is switched off she will be wide awake again but maybe...

Again thanks everyone

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddRkI5wVIqQ

Here's the 'Happiest Baby On The Block' link. It's amazing actually.

a 3week old can't self-sooth, please don't worry about bad habits etc just yet, you have plenty of time for those
Cuddle to sleep and do whatever works for you so that you can get her to sleep.

Oh, and if you need to leave her in the cot for 5 mins while you have a quick shower, that's fine, or even better shower before your husband goes to work. Even better, dry shampoo is a wonderful invention

and echo what everybody else says.. normal normal normal. I found this stage SO difficult, I was wondering what I'd done to my life!!!!
It will get better, and it'll start to get better really soon. Before you know it you'll have a little toddler dancing about in your living room

are you bottle or breast feeding? when she wakes at night what do you do? do you feed her? or are you busy trying to do everything but feed her?

Sorry crystal I was being a bit flippant...! I know cuddling didn't work with my DS once he'd got overtired and upset. We ended up downloading a white noise track and used that for all naps and night sleep. He has to nap in almost pitch black

As for putting down - we used to swaddle DS gently in a blanket once he'd fallen asleep, cuddle, then put him down.