how often do you physically check little ones when asleep?

[issysmilkbottle]

dd is 5 months, she goes to sleep around 8 and we have a baby monitor... Dh thinks i should also physically check on her every 20 -30 mins also, if i don't go up within 30 mins he gets arsey... How often does anyone else check on the little ones between them going to sleep and you going to sleep?

I used to check more than mama and I'd wake easier at night but she balanced it in other areas. We never discussed it, just worked through it but we were helped by a daughter who quickly started to sleep through most of the time.

Issy, I remember your last thread as well. If your daughter is five months old, and he STILL can't check on her without waking her up, and he's STILL trying to guilt trip you into checking every twenty minutes (to the point where you need to check with us what's reasonable), you need to have a serious talk about expectations and roles.

This is just not on.

He checks if he wants to check.
He settles her if he wakes her up. I don't care if she's ebf, she's not waking from hunger she's waking from being poked so he can settle her.
He backs the fuck off out of your parenting.

When we had a monitor, I never checked my daughter unless she did something like sleep through unexpectedly - then if I woke at 3am and realised I'd not heard from her I'd go and peek. But now she's 16 months and I'm used to the fact that sometimes (rarely) she sleeps through and sometimes she doesn't, I never check. We don't have a monitor anymore, it got broken, so I rely on her wailing to wake me up if she needs me. We have a two storey 4BR house, and she's upstairs, and even with the television on if she wakes and cries we hear her.

This can't continue, issy, seriously. You need some boundaries.

When DS was tiny we each went up every 10 mins or so

We still take it in turns, why is it the 'Mums job'?

[hiss] at your DP btw

We didn't have a monitor for either of ours. Dd1 was checked probably once between her bedtime & ours & just before I got into bed. Saying that we had to through her room to get to the bathroom, so I guess she was 'checked' then, although not consciously, if that make sense.

When we moved, I still checked on her before bed.

I would always look in on her if I woke in the night for some reason.

Dd2, same as before, once in evening & just before bed.

Again, check both dds if I am awake in night for any reason!

With my DD, once she was out of the room, I didn't check on her at all, love to look at her while she's sleeping but we have creaky floorboards!! The only time I used to panic is if she had a really quiet night and slept longer in the mornings than was usual and I couldn't hear her breathing through the monitor (now we can hear her snoring!) - I totally agree with barrym, as much as you need to to keep your anxiety down - if he doesn't want to check and you don't feel the need, then don't!

I remember it too. It really does sound like an anxiety problem to me.

Didn't he have other anxiety issues at the time going one?

I check on my 2 just before I go to bed - they go down at 7/7.30 (one is 1 and one is 4) - just to make sure they're ok/sleeping/dont need any water etc.

DD is 15 weeks. For naps I basically only check if she's astounded me by sleeping for longer than 45 minutes! On the rare occasions she decides a 2 hour plus nap is called for I start worrying at about an hour and a half and go nosey, but I tend to try and limit this because a) I think it's me being a bit neurotic and b) it risks waking her up.

At night, I don't check at all - she's still waking every few hours and I'm that knackered that when I can sleep I do!

I agree with everyone who have said it's your DH's problem. If he's worried, he should go check and if he wants to stick his hand on her to do it, then he has to suffer the consequences!

BTW, my DP would think I was mental for checking every 30 minutes and he's more worried about her when she's asleep than I am!

Perhaps you could encourage him to check on her without touching her? Frequently waking her up won't be doing her much good, and if he is worried enough to want to keep checking her, I agree with the other posters that he should be doing the checking, not you.

DS is 14.5 weeks. Like Littlestlass, I only check on him on naps if he has astonishingly slept for more than 45 mins. At night, we don't check on him between putting him to bed at about 7pm and me going to bed at about 10pm (he is still in our room). If I ever did want to check on him, I'd use a very dim light to look at him (I use the display of my pocket PC). I can't see why touching would be necessary. I also work on the basis of never waking a sleeping baby - DS is far too difficult to settle for me to risk it! We use a baby monitor, though, so we can hear him if he cries.

Re the sleeping on her side issue, the Foundation for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome's FAQs ask "My baby keeps rolling onto his front. What should I do?" The answer is "If your baby is less than six months old and you find him sleeping on his tummy, gently turn him onto his back. Don?t feel you need to keep getting up all night to check on this." (italics mine) Here is the link.

The FSID advice is all about babies under 6 months old - after that it seems to be okay for them to be less closely monitored. It sounds as if you're nearly there. Perhaps your DH would find it useful to look at the FSID website?

I used to check lots until I realised I was waking him up.

I check on her loads (she's PFB, premmie and still quite tiny, in my defence) - I use a dim light and don't touch her, just watch quietly. Even if she's breathing very lightly and quietly, it's still perfectly possible to discern the tiny movements she makes. Suggest this to your DH! She never wakes up when I check her.

If your DH is worrying about the breathing (and I can sympathise, it preys on my mind too), suggest he gets one of these for peace of mind.

i spoke with the health visitor today while getting dd weighed and she agreed that its unnecessary, dh is working until about ten tonight but off tomorrow evening so will tell him i'm not checking, he can if he wants but if he wakes dd he has to settle her and the hv thinks he's nuts!

He had to look after dd for 2 hours today and couldnt cope.... Stressed out and made stupid comments about men not being designed to do it - needless to say we had an arguement - i told him if he cant/wont look after dd while i work he can pay for childcare - he doesnt want that so he'll have to suck it up!

am rubbish neglectful mother, DD is 12mo and I have never checked her in her life!!

DP and I take it in turns to check every 45 mins or so.

We've never had a baby monitor because I'm more worried about them not making a noise. I guess we are just over cautious.

I'm with the consensus here: you don't really need to check (the small risk of SIDS will have dropped quite considerably by 5 months), but if he wants to check, he should do it.

But it sounds like there is a wider issue here of him lacking confidence with the baby (or affecting to). Maybe he needs a bit of helping out with this. Settling a baby in the middle of the night is no fun, but does he do things like bathing her so that they are really comfortable with one another? You could then teach him some of your settling techniques and he could try putting her down for daytime naps, when it is a bit less fraught than at night. Then he can start taking over at night sometimes. Difficult for him to argue with this approach.

We have a look at them when we go up to bed. DH tends to check once in teh night as well when they're about the age of your baby - he is a bit paranoid and i hear him sneaking off from teh bed. He can do it without waking them though - you sneak in and then wait silently and don't move and hold your breath and you will be rewarded with a little teeny wriggle or sigh

It does sound like there are other issues here though which i wish you luck with, I don't know what to say really.

If he is that anxious maybe he should see the doc? Not being funny but it seems more extreme than usual parental paranoia, and I consider my DH to be pretty paranoid about the kids!

Do you have to get up and check her every 20 mins during the night as well?

how about getting a video monitor as a compromise? i've always been a non-checker, but got vido monitor for dc3 after he had a respiratory infection - it's a summer itlt and zoom one and is fab.

i dont check during the night but her cot is at the bottom of our bed.

I do think he lacks confidence and this week we are working on that, he's managed to give her a bottle when i was out and am slightly elongating time away at work, tomorrow morning he's going to try to look after her for alot longer and i have told him i'm not checking every 30 mins..

He realises his anxiety is getting worse so hopefully he'll do something about it soon...

TBH if he is struggling with anxiety and intrusive bad thoughts type stuff, and it's impacting your lives, he should think about the doc.

I am just about to start CBT for anxiety and so the help is available if you look.

Keep at it. Good luck

DD is 2.5 and we stick our head round to check she is asleep once in the evening and then just before we go to bed. Funnily enough at 2.5 we still say have you checked on the baby

My mum said to me once that at some point you have to accept the chances of you checking on them at the exact minute that something has gone wrong are really slim (plus the chances of anything going wrong are slim), so you just have to relax and let go.

FWIW we live in a flat so we have never had a baby monitor.

I don't normally check on DD at all, although have been known to creep in just to listen to her little baby breaths. So sweet. I don't need to check as we have an Angelcare Sound and Movement monitor. I really recommend. The only time it has gone off is when DD moved too far away from the sensor mat. Which was quite reassuring.

Does sound like your DH has anxiety issues. Perhaps it will motivate him to address them if you mention that his anxiety is may impact DD when she gets older (ie him freaking out about everything may lead her to be less confident/more fearful in normal life situations).

One of all always checks on both DC before we head off for bed. But that's about it. When they were babies then maybe we'd check a couple of times in the evening but every 30 minutes is a little on the obsessive side.

Use an Angelcare movement sensor monitor if you are worried. That will let you know if they've stopped moving (and breathing) and transmits sound as well.

You shouldn't need to check every 30 minutes. We don't check on DS at all unless he makes weird noises.