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Original poster

My 4.5 year old wakes 3 - 8 yimes a night - it's slowly killing me. What can I do?

38 replies

IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 14:03

My DS1 has always been a bit of a trial at bed, from taking hours to settle as a baby, to waking and wanting to be up for hours at 2am when he was 1, to waking up for the day at 4 am as a toddler. I know all about sleep deprivation. He seemed to get better at 3 years tho, settled well, slept thro, was a bit early still but could live with that.

Now tho, he settles fine but then wakes up in the night anything from 3 to 8 times a night. His reasons include needing a wee, blanket falling off (even when it hasn't), loosing his bear, hearing strange noises, needing a drink, wanting to know when its time to get up etc etc

Some of these we can plan for eg blanket clipped on now, drink by his bed, check bear is there before we go to bed ourselves etc but he still wakes and needs us. I am loathe to be too hard on him because I think at least some of it is being woken by bad dreams, but Im really feeling like this is unsustainable and I just do not know how to handle it and what we could do. Any advice would be great. TIA.

OP posts:
ilovemountains · 31/03/2010 14:08

You sound heroic! I think it might come down to whether he "needs" or "wants" you. I'm afraid if it is a case of wanting you, tough love may be the only answer...

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 14:13

Tough love had occured to me but would be messy [scared emoticon]!

Am I just being too soft? But how do I tell a valid waking from a trying-it-on one?

OP posts:
ilovemountains · 31/03/2010 14:23

I don't know if you are too soft, but you are amazing for getting up night after night! If my DD (2.5) has a couple of disturbed nights in a row with no obvious signs of illness/distress etc, then we reckon it's habit rather than need. We then go in the next night (if it happens again) and tell her very firmly that she must go back to sleep, multiple times if necessary. However she is only 2.5, so I guess it's a bit easier. That does then stop it (for weeks).
Perhaps someone else will come along with some proper help... Good luck!

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 14:28

Thanks ILM. Wondering if Im daft rather than amazing, but cheers anyway!

I think a bit of me thinks Im being had. If DS was challenged all hell would break loose and Im not sure Im up for that at some ungodly hour. So to an extent Im over a barrel.

But he does dream a lot. Last night he was sat up in bed roaring his head off for 15 minutes(ie as a lion!)at half 11, but was actually pretty much asleep! Was quite funny!

OP posts:
sarah293 · 31/03/2010 14:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 14:41

He doesn't seem to be able to explain it really Im afraid Riven. Often it is simply that he needs a wee or is too hot (he is in the habit of sleeping under the duvet at the mo to hide from bad dreams )But the next morning he rarely remembers waking us up.

At the time tho his reasons have included:

  • heard a scary noise
  • something in his room moved
  • needed to tell me his night time drink was nice
  • wanted to tell me he loves me
  • is daddy home yet
  • what are we doing tomorrow
  • is it time to get up yet
  • blanket too big/small/rumpled

In other words, he wakes, then kind of looks for an excuse I think. But no idea why he wakes...

OP posts:
notyummy · 31/03/2010 14:47

You are a saint! I would go mad.....

Last week on holiday at Eurodsiney, 3.7 year old woke DH and I twice one night to tell us her duvet had fallen off and that she couldn't find her bear. By the second time I was like 'WHAT!!!!!' WHAT IS IT!!! IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! GO BACK TO SLEEP'

....and that was one night in a strange place, where arguably she could have an excuse. I think I am alot harder/nastier (?!) than you.

TBH, I think I would go for the Supernanny thing of not engaging after the first couple of time. Returning him to bed if out of it, but certainly not making conversation or any way 'rewarding' him with my time and attention when he had woken me up in the middle of the night.

ilovemountains · 31/03/2010 14:48

LOL at his night time drink was nice! Although it was unfortunate he woke you up to tell you.
Perhaps he hasn't learnt to self-settle when he wakes up slightly? My DD someimes just wants to see us, but it does become a habit unfortunately.

ladylush · 31/03/2010 14:53

ds was like this - I think he just hates being on his own. We had to adopt the tough love stance for our own sanity (it had been going on since he was a baby til he was 4). He also used to have bad dreams regularly. Funnily enough, he seemed to stop getting up when he got bunk beds (sleeps on top bunk - said he feels safer up there ). Weird.

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 14:59

My DS hates being on his own too LL, talk about in my face all day every day! So yes, it does feel like an extension of how he is anyway.

Bunk beds solution is an interesting one! Tho because of the dreams I do worry about him falling out in the middle of some night time battle.

OP posts:
WorzselMummage · 31/03/2010 15:00

Tough love most definatly

ladylush · 31/03/2010 15:05

lol tough love cheaper and less space compromising than bunks

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 15:14

we were half thinking of getting some anyway LL, honest, wasn't planning to splash out on some as a sleep solution!

Gah, sounds like the consensus is tough love. I think I am a wimp!

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CarGirl · 31/03/2010 15:22

dd3 was like this, but she would just wake up but had been through 12 months of solid sleep at some point in her life. As she approached 4 I took her to a cranial osteopath to see if he could help. The CO did help a tiny bit but he diagnosed that she had too much adrenalin (it's a very simple test to do with the way the eyes dilate under bright light) so I took her along to a pracitioner for treatment for NDD.

Was miraculous no more waking up and going to sleep earlier in the evenings

This link doesn't say much about sleep issues in itself but the too much adrenalin came from retained moro reflex I think

www.inpp.org.uk/index.php

alarkaspree · 31/03/2010 15:28

I am not really in a position to offer advice, ds turned 4 last week, still wakes up in the night and I usually get into bed with him until he goes back to sleep. But he rarely wakes more than once and I can just about live with it.

But you must be really struggling to function. Tough love is probably the answer but if you don't feel up to it would you consider a mattress on the floor by your bed that he could move to when he woke up? Maybe he would feel more secure? Does he have a nightlight?

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 19:49

Yes, I am struggling to function alarkaspree [zombie emoticon]

I realised its kind of crept up on us, started off as once a night, then 2 then suddenly multiple wakenings. I guess thats why we didnt do the tough love before.

He has a light incidentally. And he would love to be in our room, but Im worried about it could end up a bit too permanent!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 31/03/2010 19:52

mattress on the floor sounds a good option to me! My dd didn't want us or to be in our bed she was just wide awake and equiring if it was time to get up yet 3 or 4 times per night. She always came to me too I never answered to the shouting out to me thing once they were in beds

Would it really be so bad to have him in the floor in your room? He would probably come in the first time he woke and then sleep through for the rest of the night, at least you would be getting better sleep?

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 19:56

Its very very tempting Cargirl...but it feels a little like rewarding him for waking us. Plus DH snores like a train and on holidays has been known to wake DS up so that may not help!

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DunderMifflin · 31/03/2010 19:58

My DD did this for a bit - I think like you say; she woke up and then used any excuse to come and tell us about it.

I was at the end of my tether so found out what she REALLY wanted (a yellow scooter with flashing lights... ) and so I promised it to her (it was a hectic week trying to find the thing!) if she stayed in her own bed for a week.

I think you need to make the reason for staying in bed more attractive than the reason for coming to find you.

When she started waking us up again a couple of months later I said that we'd have to take the scooter away if she couldn't be a big girl anymore.

I don't think we were harsh (didn't want to freak her out if she really did need us) but just firm.

Good luck with whatever you do - sleep deprivation is hellish.

CarGirl · 31/03/2010 20:00

let ds sleep with dh whilst you get single bed to yourself?

Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 20:01

Thanks Dunder. We did try a reward chart, and the first time he got 5 stickers in a row he was very pleased, but then considered the job done! He wont try again

OP posts:
Original poster
IBlameThePMT · 31/03/2010 20:02

CarGirl, sounds very good to me Let them both get on with it!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 31/03/2010 20:03

Do you go to him or does he come to you? My first step would be that he has to come to you, he may decide it's not worth the effort?

princessmel · 31/03/2010 20:08

I'd go with the 'no reward for waking' idea.
Go to him, straighten him out etc but no talking, cuddling etc.

DunderMifflin · 31/03/2010 20:09

Go on - try for something bigger than stickers - it needs to be an obvious reward for being 'such a big boy these days'!