So worried about moving 2.3yo out of our room. Dh making things worse.

[Pinkjenny]

A catalogue of errors resulted in us co-sleeping with dd since she was 4mo. We are expecting dc2 in December, and dh is keen for us to move dd into her own room, which we are in the process of decorating.

I keep putting it off, and feel that dh is putting a lot of pressure on me. He is keen to go through a 'week of pain' (his words) to get her sleeping in her own room.

I appreciate that it is going to be difficult to continue the status quo with a newborn. Dd is an extremely light sleeper, and is hugely affected by lack of sleep. I don't want her to be woken up by the new baby, and if she stays in our room, this will inevitably happen.

Dh mentioned it again this morning as he was leaving for work, triggered by dd telling him that 'this is mine and mummy's bed', which naturally upset him a little. He told me that I was putting off the inevitable, and that in four months' time, when I was shattered and dealing with two crying kids in the night, he would, 'have no sympathy for me'.

I don't feel like he understands how hard it is for me to a)move dd out and upset her, and b)for me to have her in a different room.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking, but hope that someone may have some pearls of wisdom.

Personally I think it is human nature to want to keep our children close to us at night rather than put them on their own in a different room before they really understand why. So I guess I'm saying I understand how you feel and understand your reluctance.

But there are clearly lots of things which need to be discussed between you and DH. The only suggestion I would have is to put her new bed next to yours and have her sleep next to you but not in your bed. That way she will get used to having her own bed without being left on her own, and then if you decide that it still goes against your instincts to move her out, then she can still stay there once baby comes along - baby in bed with you (where if you are BF him/her there probably won't be much crying if he/she gets food on tap!) and DD close enough to know she has you there if she needs you.

But that's just my opinion

Wellies - Her bed is next to ours at the moment. She sleeps in there until her first wakening and then she climbs in next to me. Dh has always had a bee in his bonnet about co-sleeping, and I think secretly he is pleased because he feels the arrival of dc2 will force me into a corner, somehow.

To be fair to him, he's heard me whining loads of times about how I wish she slept in her own room, and stayed there all night. But the reality of 'sorting' the problem out is really bothering me.

Is she old enough yet to get in to rewards? Maybe you could offer her a star on a reward chart every time she sleeps all night in her own bed to start with? Then when she gets used to the bed as being the place she sleeps all night then you can decide what comes next?

It could now be time for you to whine lots in front of DH about how lonely dd will feel on her own

Wellies - I think that may be the way forward. A lot of the problem is the diffence in dh's opinions of how to tackle the situation. He favours his 'week of pain' approach. I can't think of anything more hideous and stressful.

got to say I agree with you there - it would be utter torture for all three of you imo

I just don't know how I can get him to see that.

yes, that is difficult without actually going through with it. And it could quite easily take more than a week (DS1 gave us something like 3 years of pain which was yet another reason for following our instincts with DS2).

Can he try and picture the emotions DD will go through being moved out to be on her own at night? Would that help sway him or at least opt for a gentler approach?

Can you not first try encouraging her to go back to her own bed during the night?

Is she a light sleeper because she doesn't have a room of her own?

Could she start off in her own room for a sleep during the day?

I would try and look for solutions before your baby comes, because that in itself is going to be stressful for her - to find her space taken as it were.

I can see why you are upset, and your DH isn't being very helpful .

I think you need to start the process soon though, I would be worried about her feeling displaced when the new baby comes if she isn't settled properly in her own room by then IYKWIM?

Can you start to introduce the idea, get her involved with choosing things for her room so that she gets excited and sees it as a 'growing up' thing?

Mears - yes, I definitely could start doing that. She no longer naps during the day, so can't use that as part of the process.

Alibaba - we are trying to get her excited and telling her that it is her new room. She says, "No, my room is here, with mummy." I have no doubt that she knows exactly what we are trying to do!

Should I maybe sleep in there with her for a while?

I know, I am terrified of her feeling pushed out.

Are you sure that it will be a "week of pain"?

Can you not just feigh lots of excitement about how fab hew newly decorated room will be and set up dd so that she wants to be in there?

Agree that the negative comments from your DH are very unhelpful, maybe both of you need to go over the top on how exciting it is for her that she is now big enough to have a whole room to herself.

I do agree with yout DH though that you need to get this sorted soon so that she doesn't feel that she is being evicted to make space for the baby. Sorry if that is not helpful.

She's quite young not to nap. Did that stop recently? Sometimes toddlers who don't get enough sleep in the day don't sleep well at night.

sorry xposts.

Mears - she definitely doesn't need a nap, trust me on that one. She has always been a terrible sleeper, no matter whether she has napped or not.

Muddle - I know, I know. I am just quite torn, as I am so used to having her with me, it actually feels like quite an emotional wrench to put her in her own room

Have you read the '3 in a bed' book?

I personally haven't as it wasn't an issue for me. Some families choose to all sleep together. If you enjoy it, is it educating your DH to accept and enjoy it too?

Is there a connection between poor sleeping though and sleeping together. I don't know personally. I have only slept with my children when they have felt unwell or frightened, and they have climbed in.

Occasionally they climbed in and you didn't find them till the morning!

Most times though, they moved about so much it disturbed my sleep. I could not have done it on a regular basis.

But we are all different parents with different approaches.

Mears - I think you are right in some respects. She is such a light sleeper, and even rustling the bed covers wakes her up. I never intended to cosleep, and it's not something I would choose again. Dh does not want both dcs in with us, he never wanted dd in with us! He said the other day, "For god's sake PJ, this isn't the f-ing Waltons."

I have been through all this (excluding the unsupportive DH part) so know exactly how you are feeling, but it worked out fine so I can give you a bit of hope.

DD was a couple of months older than yours, she was 2.11 when DS was born. She had been sleeping in a sidecar type cot next to us. I knew I wanted her in her own room before the baby arrived and started laying the groundwork early on, pointing out in books whenever characters were in their own little room, showing her pictures of nice rooms etc and basically talking up the whole concept. We did this for maybe a couple of months, but that probably could have been shortened.

We then involved her in getting the room ready, took her to the shop to choose the bed, bedding, put up wall stickers etc. We did it together trying to make it as fun as possible. This was maybe 4-6 weeks before my due date.

When the room was ready she asked us if she could please sleep there. I nearly fainted from shock as like you I was quite worried about the whole process and assumed it would be difficult and maybe involve some crying and coercion. Instead she moved in no problem and we never looked back.

So the gist of what I am saying is that you still have plenty of time to make it a gentle and gradual process if you start doing something about it now. You might be pleasantly surprised by her reaction. Make a plan, explain it to your DH and try to get him on board. If it doesn't work your plan B is bribery a reward system and your last resort is the week of pain, but there is no need to opt for that straight away. Good luck

fwiw...

ds2 (2.5) sleeps in his own room but every morning when he wakes he toddles into our room and climbs into my side of the bed. Best of both worlds - we get our room to ourselves and I get that lovely early morning cuddle . I know it is not really relevant but just poining out that the end of co-sleeping doesn't necessarily mean the end of the cuddles .

I think the main thing is for you and DH to get on the same page in terms of never saying anything negative about her leaving your room and about agreeing a strategy. Otherwise this seems like a recipe for arguments!

I can really empathise with you.

I had DS in my room till he was 10 months old and moving him to his nursery was very difficult (I still check him 2-3 times every night )

But I do think, as some other posters have said, the sooner you start this process, the better, because otherwise your DD might feel the baby is pushing her out and feel resentful (DS moved at 10 months old because I was PG again)

My DS is also a light sleeper and the baby (who is 2 weeks old now) wakes him up from my room. I find putting some music on in his nursery helps.

My DH def. sounds like yours He said last week, 'DD will be in her nursery in a few weeks' hahahahahahahahahaha Not a chance!!!! Might get it for Christmas!!! [grin

I do hope it goes well though. And, I do think you will appreciate knowing she is settled in her own room before the baby comes.

Thanks for all the encouragement. I think dh and I really need to have a chat, I just want him to understand how I feel about it.

I think if we can then agree a strategy together, without me feeling bulldozed by him, we can hopefully stick to it and support each other.

can you get hold of a copy of the No Cry Sleep Solution? some very good ideas in there

Let us know how you get on. Updates are good on mumsnet but don't seem to happen so much anymore.

Pinkjenny, you've had lots of good advice on here. Maybe your DH is putting pressure on you because he feels you don't want to do it all? Myabe if you go to him with your plans for the gentle approach, he'll see that you do realise the issues with DD's light sleeping, and you can then work together to make it as painless a tranistion for her as possible?

I am at the other end of the problem though - I am desperate to move DD3 out of our room (DH is a noisy sleeper, and I'm sure he's waking her) but I cannot get DH to shift his arse and sort out her room (and yes, he has to do it as it was his study so he needs to clear it out - I'd end up throwing away something 'vital' ). It doesn't bother him too much as he just sleeps though her wakenings.....

oh i know exactly what you are going through my dd (3.7) goes to bed in her own room at 8pm & by 11pm she is running into our bed , my dh is nagging me to get dd to stay in her own bed , i went through 4 weeks of hell taking her back to her room every time she woke up once it was 11 times in 1 night , & the tantrums very horrific , now i just let her run into me when she wakes up , at least that way we all get some sleep ,
think you should try your dd in her own room give her a couple of nights & see how things go , good luck

Poledra - I know, great advice, eh? And a little bit of a ray of hope from Sputnik.

Will discuss with dh later and update tomorrow.