polite replies please

[mogwai]

A little while ago, I started a thread asking whether it was ok to put a new baby in a full sized cot. I am thinking of putting the baby in it's own room, but wasn't asking for an opinion on that at the time, just asking about the cot.

Unfortunately, the thread turned a bit weird and I was slated by some mumsnetters and actually called "cruel" by one mother because I am planning for my baby to be in it's own bedroom as soon as possible. It was even suggested that there was an increased risk of cot death if my baby couldn't smell me and rather than being supported by more experienced mothers, I felt there was a tone of "huh, we know better than you, don't be ridiculous"..

I'm still interested in the topic and would like to hear from anyone whose baby has slept in their own room. Did you put them into a cot from the early days and how did it work out for you?

I do not want to get involved in further debate about whether this makes me a cruel mother, thanks all the same, so please don't post if this is your agenda. I am by no means a cruel mother, just a pragmatist and light sleeper with a husband who works long hours and also needs his rest. Interested in your experiences.

Our son was a dreadful snorer. We had his breather checked out by the paediatrician, various midwives, the HV and the GP. It was fine, he's just snorty.
When he was born I became totally switched on to his every sound, in a way I couldn't have imagined before. As a result, I simply could not sleep. So I was getting virtually no sleep, trying to breastfeed (so getting up every two hours or less), and I was a wreck. My husband would stay in the sitting-room, until about one-o'clock working while the baby slept there, so I'd be able to sleep for a few hours, but from then on I was on my own.
We tried various systems but at about 5 weeks we finally gave in. I know little babies keep one up a lot anyway, but this was driving us both mad. So...we would put his moses basket in the sitting-room next door, leave both doors open, and we'd sleep so much better. We could hear him at all times, and in fact were physically very close.
We didn't do this lightly. Advice is that you sleep in the same room for 6 months, and I think this is because a switch is flipped when you become a mother and you are aware - even in your sleep - if they aren't breathing properly, therefore are hopefully able to deal with it. I know I was hyper-sensitive and had to check him often.
I'm not sure I'd do this again. I wouldn't plan on it. We just couldn't function properly and had to compromise.
(And if it's any consolation, I got a few extremely sarky comments on another board on a similar thread.)

breathing, not breather. duh.

sorry, enquiring mind...

I'm thinking about this SIDS stuff seriously now...but I can't work out how they came to the conclusion that some cases of SIDS could have been prevented if baby had shared parents' room. It's not like you can do a control study. Perhaps they are saying that many more SIDS babies slept apart from their parents.

In that case, there must be research that separates all the factors out and presents them as a "risk" in terms of probability or in relation to one another. Is this info available anywhere?

My dd went into a cot in her own room at 10 weeks and ds at 8 weeks. I started off by placing the moses basket inside the cot so it wasn't too much of a shock and I had a monitor switched on for dd but by the time ds came along I was more confident and didn't bother with a monitor.
Most of my friends' babies had their own room from a young age and a few even from day 1.
Worked for me and the babies
Sorry you had such a bad reaction to your first posting - even mumsnetters can be quite judgemental at times

Hi mogwai,

We made the decison to put dd in her own room from day 1 in a full sized cot. We bought a breathing montior and a camera for her room so we could watch her and i can honestly say i feel it was the right decision for us all. Dd has always been a brilliant sleeper in her cot and was sleeping 12 hours a night when she was about 7 weeks old. She never seemed unhappy to be in her cot and away from us and i slept better as well.

I'm sorry you had a bad reaction from your other thread i don't remember seeing it! I've had some very negative reactions from other mothers in RL but i'm still convinced it was the right thing for us all, maybe not for the whole world, but definatly for us.

The monitor senses movement... I had a standard cot mattress and it was fine. It is so senstive that it senses breathing movements, and if there is nothing for 25 seconds, a high pitched alarm sounds. It stops once movement starts again, but keeps flashing so you know its gone off (if you missed the screeching).

DD set it off after every cold, and the alarm seemed to stir her so she moved and breathed again. I loved it, and (after I got used to it going off after illnesses and not having so much of a heart attack) would recommend it to anyone.

I don't know if she would have moved again had the alarm not sounded....

Both of mine went into their own rooms (poor DD actually slept in the bathroom next to our room from 7-12 wks) as a matter of urgency. We just couldn't kip at all with all that rustling and farting going on at the foot of the bed.
I did keep them in moses baskets (borrowed) until around the 3-mth mark, until they started to look a bit cramped. I think new babies sleep better when they feel secure, even hemmed in... swaddling etc. The transition to cots around 3 mths was entirely painless, but I still tamp DS, 13 wks, down under a cotton cellular so he can't thrash around.
I really fall apart if I sleep badly. The decision was pretty easy for us.
Never bothered about the Angelcare (?) monitors after hearing a few scare stories re false alarms from MNers. Can you imagine. Erk.

thanks mowjo, yes it's a huge consolation that you also got sarky comments! I must say, though ladies, your experiences and your reflections on them do make me think I should reconsider, at least in the short term.

And you achieved all that without resorting to sarcasm or anything else! What a great thread

Full moon's gone... tis ok to start threads like this at the moment

baked potato I love the image of all the rustling and farting at the foot of the bed. I had a rabbit like that when I was a kid and have a husband with similar problems now!

mogwai I am not sure where the information is re sids, bu I am sure someone can direct you. The monitor pad thing is an apneo mat which atually detects the babies breathing, therefore you get an alarm if the baby stops breathing, even for a second. DD had one when she was in hospital as she was prem and very apt to 'forget' to breathe!! However we didn't have one at home.

I know that it could give you peice of mind, but since you are light sleeper you will be checking anyway

Good luck with whatever you decide, it is all so daunting prior to the first baby and the only bit of advice I can give you 'from and experienced mother' is that you can plan and plan, but you really don't know how your baby will be. The best way to make motherhood easy is to go with the flow as much as yu can. It will be awful at times, and it will be wonderful But my best times were when I just chilled and let moherhood come to me IYKWIM

hey flamesparrow, perhaps we should hotfoot it over to the breast versus bottle board then? I'll start the thread and you throw the flame...

"Bottle feeders are bitch trolls from hell - Would they feed their baby dog food?"

and it's sister thread

"Breast feeders make me feel ill - I'm sure it's incest"

Well you did say the full moon had passed....

Crunchie you are so fluffy! I love the way you put it.

BTW I've realised that attention grabbing topic threads get a huge response....back to that idea about breast versus bottle.....

Looked at the wrong page... we should be throwing things now... tis just at edge of full moon

Mogwai, try www.sids.org.uk (I think!)

And don't make any decisions before you have a baby -they change everything!
My ds slept much better in his cot than his moses basket, dd (10weeks) sleeps wonderfully in her pram. Totally different children. You can't tell what you'll get.
Newborns can be INCREDIBLY noisy though. You can't believe something so tiny can make such a racket

mogwai, I think the reason that babies are supposed to sleep in their parent's rooms is because they sometimes 'forget' to breathe and hearing their parent's breathing helps to regulate theirs. We had both dds in our room, dd1 hated to be anywhere other than in our bed and dd2 started off in her moses basket which she hated, moved to her big cot which she loved for six mo, but also somehow has ended up in our bed! When I was pg with dd1 I had all sorts of ideas about never having her in our bed and doing cc if she wouldn't sleep, and it all changed once she came - I've never let either of our dds cry. However you imagine it will be, it's all so different - in a lovely way!

Sorry haven't had time to read all posts but here is my tuppence worth.

ds1 went into his own room after 2 nights in our bedroom. He made so much noise we couldn't sleep (rustling and farting....yes, that brings back a vivid memory!). We used the monitor for a couple of nights but still couldn't sleep so gave up on that too. We put him in his Moses basket which went in the cot. We moved him from the Moses basket to the cot at around 6 weeks.

ds2 was quieter and stayed with us until he was too big for the Moses basket, then he went into his own room as there isn't really anywhere for a cot in our bedroom. We put him in the cot in the Moses basket for a few nights then transferred him to the cot.

The only problem we had with transferring to the cot was keeping the bedding on ds1...he thrashed around and kicked it off, and woke up with the cold, so we invested in some grobags, a brilliant invention.

lockets!

Just to say, I've been living in france for the last 4 years, and they recommend that babies go into their own room as soon as possible. And I'm sure they don't have higher instances of SIDS than in the UK!!

Both my children slept in a swinging crib till age 4-5 months next to my bed. From a self preservation point of view, I didn't want to have to get up to breastfeed in the middle of the night - far easier to just reach over and bring the baby straight into bed with me.
Both babies were born in the winter months so it was freezing too!
I agree that whereever the baby is you and your partner will be disturbed - however, I have found it incredible how DH very quickly learned how to sleep through the crying........
As for other people's opinions - there's no right or wrong so go with what works for you.
Good luck.

Have only read first and last messages in thread (am v. lazy ) Ds did naps in moses basket inside cot-bed after 2 weeks. Then night-time sleeps in basket inside cot after another week. (That was forced as we had parents in law staying and so had to rearrange furniture in bedrooms.) Best thing we ever did.

With regards dh that needs rest, my dh slept on sofa MANY times during first 6 weeks. I however did not sleep.