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Original poster

Nightmares following death of parents.

26 replies

LilRedWG · 07/03/2009 14:49

Both of my parents have died in the past few weeks and I am having awful dreams, recreating their deaths in wierd situations and dreaming of others dying.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that my Mum's hospital bed was in my sister's classroom (she's a teacher) and that the physics teacher wanted Mum out as he had a parents evening. During all of this my poor Mum was slipping away from us. Then all of a sudden we are back in the hospital and the nurse takes some of Mum's blood and then takes some of her own, at which point the nurse has a massive bleed and basically explodes.

Last night I dreamt that one of my sisters had been stabbed in the back whilst out at a club and was crtitically ill, but also walking around saying that she was fine.

It's getting to the point I'm scared to sleep, although I am exhausted and just want some reassurance that this'll ease soon. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have a two year old that needs me to be able to care for her but I feel useless.

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Habbibu · 07/03/2009 14:52

Have no advice, I'm afraid, LilRed, but didn't want to read and not post. Have you had any counselling? It seems like so much for your poor mind to process, that it's spilling over into your sleep just now.

NorbertDentressangle · 07/03/2009 14:55

LilRed -sorry to hear that you're suffering like this on top of everything that you've been through.

A friend of mine really suffered after her Dad died. She found herself visualising and re-living really horrble parts of her Dads illness and death.

In the end she saw a counsellor through Cruse and found this helped. I think just being able to talk to someone who she felt wouldn't be shocked by her thoughts and dreams helped her.

imaginaryfriend · 07/03/2009 14:56

Did they die in a traumatic or sudden way? It could be that you have some post-traumatic stress disorder and maybe you should see a bereavement councilor? I was a total mess when my father died when I was 19 as his death was sudden and quite violent and I wish I'd spoken to a professional as I was in a state for a lot of years afterwards.

Original poster
LilRedWG · 07/03/2009 15:06

Thanks all. I am kind of hoping someone will come along and say they'll stop after Mum's funeral.

Mum's funeral is on Monday and I have a doctors appointment for later in the month so will see what she says about counselling. The ironic thing is I've just finished a course of loss counselling after a couple of miscarriages.

imaginaryfriend - Dad died of cancer and Mum of pneumonia. She had been ill following surgery last year and in hospital of a month or so. She just gave in after Dad's death and a chest infection turned into pneumonia. After a couple of awful nights with her suffering massively we requested that all treatment be withdrawn. I spoke to her and checked this is what she wanted and when I mentioned Dad's name she gave me the biggest smile.

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imaginaryfriend · 07/03/2009 15:55

That's terribly sad. Even though neither death was particularly sudden I can only imagine that losing both parents so close together must really mess with your entire being.

Funerals do bring some form of 'closure' it's true but I do remember dreaming about my father for years after his death. In many ways I wouldn't fight the dreams.

Flightattendant28 · 07/03/2009 16:01

Lilred, I'm so sorry about your parents.

I can't imagine the grief you are suffering, as I haven't experienced such yet, but I have heard people say that sleeping pills helped them initially when they were struggling. I think they kind of knock you out a bit so you can't dream.

I don't know if this helps, sorry not to have more advice xx

Original poster
LilRedWG · 07/03/2009 16:10

Will talk to my GP about sleeping tablets too, although I don't want to be too xonked to care for DD.

I am happy to dream about my parents - they were great and I'd love to keep them close, but I just don't want these nightmares.

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JaneSeymour · 07/03/2009 16:23

Ok pet. I don't know how zonked they make you - though you might find it has the opposite effect, like making you sleep at night so you're better refreshed in the day.

Worth asking I suppose. Meanwhile I always used to find a bit of world service radio was good company at dead of night. If all else fails.

Writing down dreams can sometimes get shot of them, ie the same one shouldn't come back.

I hope you do sleep Ok tonight x

foxinsocks · 07/03/2009 16:25

oh lil

have you got someone you can talk to in real life before your appointment with the docs? someone helping to organise the funeral etc.?

Original poster
LilRedWG · 07/03/2009 18:02

The funeral is all sorted. Myself, my two brothers and two of my sisters did it all otgether the day after Mum died. My other sister is now over from the States and it's all systems go.

Will try the writing things down. I am talking more on here than in RL as I guess I find it easier to put into writing.

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Salleroo · 07/03/2009 18:32

You poor old thing. Have read some of your posts in beareavemnt.

I dont have any useful tips. How about some lavender oil to relax you on your pillow and some hot milk before bed. Just lie and have a good cry and breath deeply before sleeping and see if it helps any? Maybe focus on your mother's smile when you mentioned your dad and decided to withdraw further treatment and visualise how happy they probably are together in heaven (your choice of paradise), together again and no longer in pain?

I'll be thinking of you on Monday.

Podrick · 07/03/2009 18:43

Your subconscious is trying to process the trauma you have been through.

It is important to make sure you look after yourself, try to eat very healthily and make sure you exercise; yoga is also very calming.

You could try the self hypnosis CDs if you can't get to sleep or if you can't slow your mind down.

I think the funeral will probably help the grieving process but may not be a magic answer to the dreams. The visualization tips sound good.

I'm really so very sorry for your loss.

mumonthenet · 07/03/2009 19:04

you have suffered two deeply traumatic events. Your subconcious is trying to make sense.

I'm no expert but I have heard that sometimes it helps to, when you wake up, hold on to the dream and try to visualize your way to a calmer ending.

I am so sorry for your losses, and I am sure that this will ease soon.

JaneSeymour · 08/03/2009 06:36

How are you today sweetheart?

Hopefully still asleep actually

WhatSheSaid · 08/03/2009 07:07

Lilred I saw your other thread in bereavement.Im so sorry you have lost both your parents within such ashort space of time.

I agree with those who say it's probably your subconscious trying to process what has happened. I had some awful dreams when my mum died,in one dream she had terminal cancer and I was happy because it meant at least I had more time with her (she actually died very suddenly in a car accident). I felt terribly guilty about that dream but I think it was my mind just longing to have more time with her.

Sleeping pills or antidepressants may help -I didn't use them as I was bfing but looking back, I needed something. I had a lot of insomnia too. I really really feel for you, I lost my parents within 16 months and that was bad enough - to lose both so quickly must be horrendous.

Please take it very slowly - don't expect too much of yourself. Grief can take a long time to work through. Maybe see a GP if the nightmares continue. Thinking of you.

Original poster
LilRedWG · 08/03/2009 13:30

Thank you for you kind messages all. The dreams weren't quite as horrific last night, just horrible.

I am already on ADs but will be chatting to my GP about maybe upping the dose in the short term.

I am so sorry for your losses, all of which sound awful and I am very grateful that you have felt willing to share. Many thanks. x

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Original poster
LilRedWG · 08/03/2009 23:19

Time to go to bed again and I don't want to. Mum's funeral is tomorrow and I'm worried about horrible dreams.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 08/03/2009 23:49

I can't offer any advice, but my heart goes out to you. After my mum died (from advanced breast cancer) I did have several dreams about her being alive, and waiting for news about cures for cancer - which were both distressing (i.e. there is no cure) but also joyful, in that she was alive.

I think, like others have said, it is your mind trying to make sense of what has happened to you, in such a short space of time.

You have to sleep. Go to bed and try and welcome the dreams.

I really hope that tomorrow goes as well as it can do.

Very un MN-like [[[[[hugs]]]]

NormaJeanBaker · 09/03/2009 00:10

I can't be sure - and you might need to talk to neutral people - a counsellor of some kind maybe. But I think it will get better. I dreamed a lot about my dad when he died although mostly they were happy dreams and I have dreamed horrible nightmares - thrashing, sweating, shouting ones following my daughter nearly dying suddenly last year - even though she survived and is fine. Now rarely have either sort - and kind of miss seeing my dad so often. You haven't had a moment's respite before the next terrible loss. You might need help sleeping from your GP - but nothing you have described seems abnormal. The funeral might help and the dreams I really believe will become less frequent and less disturbing. Try not to carry the dream images around with you - they can hang about you like cobwebs sometimes. Don't replay the dreams over and over unless you are getting some kind of solace from having the connection - even though it is nightmarish at the moment. Time doesn't heal always, but it does change things and this period won't be forever . Hope tomorrow is helpful as well as sorrowful and that your dreams will begin to change very soon.
x

Original poster
LilRedWG · 09/03/2009 22:22

I am going to request counselling I think. For now I just take each night as it comes and try to remind myself that they are just dreams. I've always had vivid dreams/nightmares, so I guess I shouldn't be suprised.

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giantkatestacks · 09/03/2009 22:27

LilRedWG - so sorry about your parents. It does get better - or rather the periods of time you feel absolutely wretched and your throat chokes up with it get further and further apart so hang in there.

I had a period of vivid nightmares and hallucinations/flashbacks after a trauma and it stopped after about 10 days - it was suggested to me that if it carried on further then yes some counselling would be needed. In my case it was obviously something that needed to happen for it to be worked through iyswim.

sphil · 09/03/2009 22:45

Thinking of you as always, LilRedWG, especially today .No real advice about the dreams, except to say that I had counselling with an integrative arts therapist a few years ago - she encouraged me to draw/paint/sculpt my thoughts and feelings as well as talking about them. I was initially very sceptical, being more of a words person, but it was very effective - it was as if using different ways of expressing myself helped me to see the issues more clearly and get rid of many of my fears and anxieties.

mumonthenet · 09/03/2009 22:48

thinking of you today lilred.

Original poster
LilRedWG · 11/03/2009 18:22

Dreams aren't too bad, more wierd than horrible now and hopefully they'll keep downgrading. Thank you all for your support.

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Helms · 11/03/2009 21:16

Lilred, am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I think that the nights will get easier. I had some very bizarre and very upsetting dreams after my mum died (also from pneumonia.) I felt like I had a great bundle of grief inside me which had to be released in some way and I tried to see the dreams as part of that.

I would recommend Cruse if you have a branch near by. I saw a counsellor for a few months and it was the best thing I did. Just having the opportunity to talk about certain things over and over again helped me cope with the enormity of it all.