Just need some comfort and support

[Verso]

DD1 was a terrible sleeper - didn't sleep for more than about 45 minutes, maybe 90 minutes at a push, round the clock, until she was eight months old. By a year, she slept beautifully and has done ever since.

DD2 - a better sleeper from the word go... doing maybe three hours at a stretch pretty early on. Then a few weeks ago she did up to six hours, and then five hours, for three nights. I was over the moon!

However, apart from those three blissful nights she wakes every hour on the hour from 11pm onwards, having gone down beautifully at 6:30-7pm and done a stretch of four or so hours.

I am a wreck. My DH doesn't really understand. I went to the doctor yesterday and wept and he has prescribed antidepressants...

DD2 is exclusively breastfed. She is three months old today. My Mum thinks I should put her on formula (yawn). I won't. I don't feed her every time she cries, unless she's going through a growth spurt. I do leave her to self-settle if I think she will, but sometimes she just can't. DD1 wouldn't take a dummy, but I use a dummy from time to time with DD2 - and make sure it's out of her mouth before she falls "properly" asleep.

I'm not doing anything differently at the moment from when she was doing six hours in a row... so please don't tell me what I "should" be doing. I believe babies just learn how to sleep in their own time, no matter what books we read to the contrary.

What I want is comfort. Understanding from people who REALLY know what sleep deprivation feels like, and who won't joke about "it's a form of torture you know". Yes I DO KNOW. I AM EXPERIENCING IT AT THE MOMENT. I FEEL SICK WITH EXHAUSTION. It makes me feel so worthless and like I am the least cared-for person in this family. No one would care if I collapsed. But because I somehow manage to keep going day in, day out, everyone thinks I'm fine. I'm not!

I asked DH if he and Mum could share a night maybe once a week (he couldn't do a whole night as he has MS) - and he said he didn't think my Mum would be able to do the 2am-7am shift as it's too hard . Ok she's quite elderly, but it's amazing how no one else can be put through the pain of what I go through EVERY NIGHT.

I said to him that even if she did those five hours once a week, SHE COULD GO HOME AND SLEEP DURING THE DAY (she's retired). I can't do that! If DD2 is awake, SO AM I!

No one gets it. The relentless slog of 24/7 babycare. This was a much-wanted baby (after two miscarriages) but I really wonder whether she was a huge mistake .

sorry, snowlight - I know I overreacted but I am so exhausted and I am trying so so hard to do what I can for my beautiful baby and any criticism - even if mean constructively - just crushes me.

I mean - I'm killing myself here but it's not enough. I just tried to get a nap as a local doula has been kind enough to come over today to look after DD2 so I could get some sleep and the cruel cruel irony is I am so very wired and wound up I have had one hour. One sodding hour of sleep.

I just keep waking in a panic with my heart pounding, thinking I can hear DD2 crying. No point even trying to sleep really . My brain doesn't seem to be able to do it anymore.

meant

Verso,

Call Homestart on 0800 068 63 68. They have volunteers who may be able to come to you once a week for a couple of hours. You only need to have 1 child under 1yr old to qualify for their scheme.

Big hugs, sympathy and a whole load of understanding from me. I've had mornings when my head can't lift off the pillow, I think my eyes are sealed shut and I've muttered under my breath to my crying baby "just shut up". I love, love, love my DS more than anything but his sleep habits from 15 weeks made me resent him so much and getting up every hour with him was the most horrific thing ever. And I didn't have any other children to worry about so I have no idea how much worse things must be for you.

Perhaps you could have PND. I sometimes think that I have it and it's always a million times more when I have a bad night with DS. You could maybe try some herbal remedies (Bach flower remedy - not sure if you can take it when BF though so maybe look for an alternative in Boots?) But if you really think it could be PND, go and see the doctor and don't feel one bit guilty about taking anti-depressants if you feel like they could help. Whatever helps make you feel better about yourself is absolutely right at the moment.

Very sad that you went to the train station the other day but very proud that you turned to coffee instead. I need 2 cups to turn me from Queen Bitch in to lovelymama every morning and prescribe 2 cups of coffee every day, preferably with some friends so you can have a good rant about how unhelpful DH is being.

Erm, that's it from me. Fingers crossed for a few hours kip for you tonight and enjoy every second of your sleep when the maternity nurse is there on Friday.

in tears reading your posts, my heart goes out to you.
dd 3yrs and always slept okay, but ds 8mths went through a phase of waking on the hr every hr, though now just wakes 2/3 times after midnight.
it is a living hell to suffer such exhaustion, once they are no longer newborn sympathy goes out window for us mums!

i have worked as a mental health professoinal for over 10yrs and see no reason why pills shouldn't help, they will def reduce your levels of anxiety which in turn may help you to sleep when you briefly get the chance. visits from a cpn (community psy nurse) may be more supportive than a hv? he/she could at least try and find any help available for you, and organise it - something you may struggle with due to your exhaustion.
it is so difficult to separate anxiety/fear/depression caused by sleep deprivation and pnd.

good luck and hang on in there

why does your dh get huffy? does he know how bad you are feeling?

So sorry for you Verso because I know what it's like. My sleep has been truly crap since 2001, but I do get the occasional, very rare good night and you will too. It will happen. True sleep exhaustion distorts EVERYTHING. I can't tell you what to do for the best, but, sometime soon, you will get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep and it will feel like HEAVEN. Just remember that, and that the black thoughts are because of lack of sleep and nothing else.

Thank you so much, everyone. It's sad that so many of us have experienced this - but it is so so comforting to know I am not alone.

I did decide to start on ADs yesterday in the end so I hope they will start to help in a few weeks' time. In the meantime, I slept at my Mum's last night so I couldn't hear DD2 - asked the night nanny to do last night as well. Can't really afford it but was desperate. Anyway - irony was I woke every two hours like clockwork, even with ear plugs in. DD2 on the other hand slept from 12-5am without a murmur apparently! I think my brain has forgotten how to switch off .

Anyway, I think it has all been the dreaded 12-week growth spurt and she may be coming out of it now as she has been really lovely and settled and smiley during the day today. I am still a wreck but trying to just take each day as it comes... I had major mood swings and kept bursting into tears this morning but have calmed down now...

Thank you again, everyone. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I really wouldn't. It's horrific!

dropdeadfred DH doesn't really 'get' it. He says he copes better with sleep deprivation than I do - which is rich, given that the amount of broken sleep he has had since DD2 was born is negligible. Anyway - he came home after work last night in a conciliatory mood so I think my major wobbles the past week have made him realise it's serious and I'm not just (and I quote) "a bit tired".

Just another message to let you know you are not alone.
My DD (now 2.7) was a bad sleeper and I honestly thought it couldn't be worse. DS was waking every 2 hrs initially which I could cope with. For the last 2 weeks he has been up every 30-45mins from 9.30 onwards. I feel like the walking dead. My judgement is shot, can't do 2 things at once like usual. Keep burning tea, cutting hands when cooking, dropping things etc. My immune system must be suffering as lots of wee cuts that won't heal.
I happen to already be on an antidepressant as suffered antanatal depression - I am sure it is the only thing preventing me from slipping into depression again. I remember those feelings of dread at bedtime from DD - I think no-one can really understand it unless they have suffered depression or anxiety themselves. Try to stick with the meds - they take a few weeks to work fully and it is worth trying another if the 1st lot don't work.

Like you - I don't want advice - do they think I haven't tried everything already (within reason - Iwon't do CC)?

We will get there in the end.

Tea and sympathy here too. I'm so tired I've been in tears all day, posted abut CC out of desperation and been told off about it, altho had some lovely sympathetic advice too. I feel like a failure and have a huge cold sore and look yuck.

lots of sympathy from someone who has been there and has only recently come out the other side.

it WILL get better.

take whatever help you can from whatever source.
stay sane.
give & take hugs as much as poss
(((hugs)))

sleep vibes to all.

(although the DCs are mostly sleeping well now, i still have my insomniac nights so they are not gone yet)