Help, My baby is 3months1week. I have no routine. I have no idea when he will sleep or feed so I can’t plan anything. Can anyone advise on how to create a routine - What time does your baby sleep and how often do they wake up.

[BoyMumToBe34]

I would really appreciate anyone sharing exactly the hours they sleep as I have no life, my relationship is suffering I seem to be holding him 24/7 as he takes an hour to be put to sleep or just misses his window. I barely get round to brushing my teeth or showering. Husband works long hours and no other support available so need advice on creating a routine. Is it ok to leave your baby crying whilst you finish a cup or tea? I’m always suffering heart burn rushing my food or can’t finish getting ready because he’s crying (I have anxiety so maybe I’m extra cautious- not sure what’s appropriate)

My baby currently sleeps 12am-4am or 5am and then is up for an hour feeding then back for another 3-4 hours and up at 9am

But doesn’t sleep in the day time apart from 30minute power naps randomly and may occasionally sleep for 2-3 hours 6pm-8pm or 9pm is this normal?

He shouldn’t and won’t have a schedule for a long time.

He should be sleeping in the daytime though, look up wake windows and try to loosely follow those. Improved daytime sleep will help night time sleep. If you are breastfeeding then safe bed sharing is the most restful and beneficial thing you can do. Including daytime naps for you both. Dr James McKenna has plenty of evidence to show this is in fact the safest way to sleep when done properly.

Holding him 24/7 is what nature intended. Start wearing him in a sling if you’re not already - this is life changing.

Our society tricks people into thinking we are nesting animals like birds, when we are carrying mammals like apes. Babies are not designed to be put down, they need to co-regulate with us so their nervous system tells them they’re safe.

Everything else you describe is normal, this too shall pass. It is incredibly hard and difficult to be present and savor when you are in it, but before you know it he will be going to school.

Sounds like you could benefit from more support - how about meeting a mum with same age baby on Peanut app? Can your husband reduce his hours for a while? A good time to look into psychotherapy for your anxiety - as babies co-regulate they absorb all of this. Check out the Motherkind podcast.

I generally would say go with the flow at this age, assuming they can be awake for 60-90 mins between naps.

Using your current timings I’d ‘reset’ by starting your day for now at 5 (if that’s their wake up). Get the light in the room - show them it’s day. Then just focus on getting them to sleep 60-90 mins after they wake up on repeat until 6-8pm when I’d trying to put them down for the night.

This means they won’t get overtired - and you can try and shift that night time sleep to a more conventional time.

The very long ‘nap’ in the evening is probably the start of their night time sleep. Stick to it bring night time (dark, white noise etc), dont get them back ‘up’ at this point.

We created a routine by following the same thing over and over until baby came to expect it and fell into it. Up at 7am, morning nap approx 9am for 45mins ish. Afternoon nap approx 12:30 for 2 hrs. Power nap approx 4:30 for 30mins, usually in pram or sling on a walk. Bed at 7pm.
I haven't added my feeding pattern as this will be really individual.
I really needed routine, it was the only way I'd cope. Other Mums seemed far happier to go with the flow and be flexible about where and when baby slept but it wasn't for us. Im a big advocate that sleep begets sleep for babies. The more sleep they get the better they settle and sleep for longer stretches. A bad night would always follow if a nap had been disrupted.

You can try to get some tips from the contented little baby book although that is limiting and really ties you to quite a regimented routine. We tried to follow this loosely with DS in desperation and it worked perfectly. However, it didn’t work at all for our rebellious 2nd born DD.

@Hohofortherobbersthank you for sharing, can I ask, after putting baby to sleep at 7pm… how many times did they wake up for feeds and for how long up until 7am at 3months old please

As PP have said, it’s very normal for a baby not to have a routine at that age - mine didn’t really establish one until 9 months. It’s so difficult but hang in there!

I second a sling, and baby wearing in general. I also found getting out the house and seeing other adults helpful - maybe see if there’s a baby class near you you could attend?

and finally, you can definitely let baby cry while you finish your food or drink! As long as they are safe and most needs met, you can - must - also meet your own needs. I used to put mine in a bouncer so I could use the loo, and for months I had to pee to the sound of a crying baby. It makes you feel guilty, but don’t, because you need it too!

@MidnightPatroli see, he sleeps 6-9 but then is awake until 12am? Can I ask after 60-90mins how do you “get them to sleep” my baby needs me to swaddle him and he sucks on me for comfort and i have to rock him for a while. So I can’t be out the house during his sleep window?

Can you use a dummy for the sucking?

Will he fall asleep in the pram? My worst sleeper loved the carrier, I’d bundle them in and go for a walk and they’d fall asleep quickly.

You need to get them before they’re overtired - which is where the wake windows come in handy

@MidnightPatroli tried the dummy but he keeps refusing it and lately just licks and sucks his own hands and salivates everywhere. When I put him in the pram, he hates it and cries for ages. I only place him in it and leave the house after he’s in a deep sleep. I’m struggling to have any life as when he starts screaming when I’m outdoors, I abort everything, shopping, and return home and it’s a nightmare and I’m so stressed. How long is it ok to leave a baby crying for? Sorry if it sounds silly

We didn't have much of a routine at this age in terms of daytime naps. They'd often sleep when on walks in the pram which worked well for us in terms of establishing a routine for when they were a bit older.

Sounds like you have got very lucky with the nights - only one wake-up! It may change in a few weeks, or it may not. Hopefully not!

However I don't identify with this feeling you can never put the baby down. I couldn't do slings due to a medical condition, so I didn't wear the baby 24/7. The baby was on the floor/crib/bouncer seat, and I was next to them. If the baby was crying (and not hungry/needing changed) and I was finishing a much needed cup of tea, I would sit them in the bouncer seat, and put my hand on them and talk/sing while I drank the tea. They sat in the bouncer while I showered, and watched through the screen. I usually left them in the crib to just pop to the toilet, but would have taken them if they were distressed.
They are preschoolers now, and they are well attached, happy children, so I don't think my approach of being next to them but not holding them 24/7 has had any negative effect at all.

Try having a rhythm not a routine. The rhythm goes Eat - Activity - sleep - eat - activity- sleep etc. activity could be bath or playmat or whatever. The key thing is to offer a feed when baby wakes and then avoid feeding to sleep.

By 3months I had switched to FF, so if youre EBF this won't be much use.
Both my babies were big, DD 9lbs and DS10lbs at birth. My DD was a ferocious milk drinker and would down 11oz bottles each feed, she had so much during the day that she actually slept 12hr nights without waking 7pm-7am at 3months old. My DS had less each feed, so Id dream feed him about 10:30pm then he'd wake again about 4-5am for another feed, before being up for the day at 7am.
People will just say i was lucky, but I think sticking to the routine helped me have good sleepers.
They dont do it automatically, as pp says start by creating that late nap as bedtime, then any wakes after then the light is low, feeding changing is quiet with minimum fuss and settling back down quickly. Any wakes after 5am start the day and encourage a short nap about 2 hrs later.

This is how I remember things, sounds very normal to me.

Both my children had their last feed at midnight at that age. With ds1, I would put him in his cot and then he'd wake at midnight. With ds2, I sat with him in my arms until he woke for the midnight bottle. The reasons for that was because they shared a bedroom and I knew ds2 would be my last baby. It was just easier to sit with him until midnight downstairs on the sofa while I watched TV!

Do you get out every day? I always found life so much easier that way. I would put them in the buggy and go out and that way, out in the fresh air they would take their naps easier. I walked anywhere. Sometimes, I chose to walk with the buggy to the supermarket furthest away from my house to buy dinner just because being out meant fresh air and baby would take his morning or afternoon nap snug in the buggy.

His night time sleeping sounds quite good, sounds like you get 2 lots of 4 hours, which should mean you get sufficient sleep yourself.
Some babies don't sleep much during the day, one of mine only slept for about 10 minutes twice a day, but he slept well at night..I'm not sure there's many breastfed babies who sleep so well at night AND have long naps during the day.
At 3 months, you are still at the stage where supply needs to increase as the baby'd demand grows, and as far as i can remember ( long time ago for me) this meant a day or 2 spent feeding much more than I thought possible, followed by up to week of more settled feeding, and this affected sleep.
Some babies find it easier to sleep when there is motion, in a car or pram, some will only nap on their mum (or another warm body).
Make it easy for yourself where you can, put your tea in a thermal lidded cup so it stays hot and keep in in reach. Have your phone and the TV remote to hand. If you have to rock then baby to sleep, make sure you are comfortable while doing that. Bear in mind that this is just a stage, even if you were to get a routine established, your baby's need will change fairly quickly.

Some of the problem may be your stress and he's picking up on it (not very helpful, sorry! ). When he's kicking off if you're out, what happens if you find a bench or café, change him and feed him? Once everyone's calm, you start again. We knew every park bench between home and the supermarket at that age. You just need to slow down a bit and accept that life is different.

Sorry OP but you cannot expect a 3 month old to sleep 7-7. Few older babies or toddlers sleep 7-7. Get out and enjoy your day! Baby will sleep in the pram or carrier. Go to baby classes, go for coffee/lunch, take baby swimming. We never had any schedule for naps or feeding, only after about 6/7 months we had a fairly regular bedtime. Use a carrier at home so you can eat/drink tea whilst baby is sleeping. If you want them to start their longer / night sleep earlier, then you'll have to wake them earlier in the morning, so you can shift their whole pattern earlier. But it's normal for babies to go to bed late/when you do. Bear in mind that all babies have different sleep needs and sleep patterns. It's normal for babies to want to be held all the time.

Thank you everyone who commented. It’s been another exhausting day. He slept yesterday midnight-2:30am then feed and slept 3:15-6:15 then feed again and 7-9am, then Power Nap 12-12:20pm and then 2:30-4:30pm then 10pm now he’s sleeping but fed him 8:40 so he’ll be up at midnight I think. Is this sufficient sleep? Each time to get him to sleep it takes me nearly an hour of rocking him and giving him my nipple to soothe. He refuses a dummy (he used to take it). Cried in the rocker or buggy (the carrier does my back in and he cries in it too often) now he just sucks his fist a lot and cries and makes spitting noises. It’s a really struggle getting him to sleep and doesn’t feel normal. My back is gone, I’m exhausted and barely able to type this out.

Dd and I needed a routine and by 3 months I was loosing my mind, the contented little baby book saved my sanity tbh. The idea is that you meet the baby’s need before they get upset, so they never get so hungry they have to demand to be fed or so tired they have a melt down.

With my dd I got her up for the day around 7-8am, she had a feed and play, back to bed at 9am (I then got in the shower), up again at 10am another feed and activity or we’d go out.

Back to bed at 12 and I’d try and get her to go for two hours if possible.

Up at 2, more milk, would keep her awake until 4ish, then a short nap of 45 mins.

More milk and then aim for bed by 7ish.

At 3 months I dream fed at 10pm and would expect a wake up around 4-5am for another feed.

It worked for us, dd was much happier and more settled and I didn’t feel like I was going crazy!

It also helped to with day naps for the room to be very dark and quiet.

If you want a routine, Contented Little Baby is the best.

The best thing you can do is invest in a good soft carrier, an ergo or similar, or a wrap, or ring sling. Not a rigid baby bjorn style. Put your baby in the carrier and then you are not nap-trapped. Babies don’t need routines, they do have a natural rhythm they will fall into that becomes predictable, but at this age they are still very much fed on demand and nap when they feel like it. Please don’t get worked up trying to implement and routine, just hold your baby and feed on demand.

You’re doing a great job, OP, and yes this all sounds normal. Don’t worry about too much of a rigid routine - but a good place to start is waking baby up at the same time every morning and going from there.

That also sounds like a long nap in the evening, like it should be the start of night sleep instead of a nap. I would try capping that nap and do an earlier “bedtime” and see what happens.

Try and get as much fresh air as possible even if it’s just a walk around and a coffee. If baby doesn’t like the pushchair then try a sling.

How's the last couple of days been @BoyMumToBe34

Huckleberry app helps

Get a different/better baby carrier, it shouldn’t be hurting you.