Leaving child awake at bed time

[Silverbelles]

What age could you finally put your child in bed, read them a story and then leave while they were still awake and they would go to sleep on their own?

We put our toddler to bed at 8, sometimes she sleeps straight away but some nights she's up for 2 hours wide awake and won't sleep. I'm sick of not having any evening time to myself at all because by the time she's finally gone to sleep at 10 it's time for me to go to bed too. I'm dying to just put her in bed and leave but as soon as I leave the room she starts crying so I have to sit and wait for her to go to sleep.

Just want to know when we can get some evening time back.

About three months old. He always went to sleep by himself with his white noise machine on (it was a tape back then). We always read him a story before bed from when he was born. From being a toddler he also went to sleep to an audio book after we’d read to him. This was nearly thirty years ago and I know sleep advice is different now. He never used to get up and never got in our bed.

No, she's created an environment that she felt should feel safe. That is not the same as them feeling safe, as shown by them crying repeatedly for nights before they gave up. Parents tell themselves what they need to to justify their decisions, but this is not something that is without harm.

Tonies box for me too from age 2 when she moved into her own room and a 'big girls bed'. The first few nights I made sure she was absolutely knackered by the time bedtime came. Did usual bedtime routine and I'd taken her to pick herself a tonie (most last around 1 hour). There is no talk of sleep. She must stay in bed and relax listening to her Tonie and she isn't allowed out of bed until it's finished. She's almost always asleep long before the tonie has finished, I think there have been 4 occasions in the last year she hasn't been asleep before it finished. Once due to having a bad cold and not being able to settle to sleep, once when it was particularly hot, the first night we brought her new baby brother home and one night when her brother was unwell and she was worried he needed 'hopital'. I think we often put too much pressure on sleep, it's a weird thing to do if you think about it - even as an adult, but if we relax it just happens.

Never stayed with mine till they fell asleep. Sometimes when they were small babies they'd fall asleep during a bottle or something, but otherwise they went in the cot and rolled about a bit, grizzled or chattered away to themselves till they fell asleep for naps or bedtime. They do have black out blinds so there's not much visual distraction in their rooms at all.

Youngest is just 4 and he often seems totally wired and awake during bath and books, but once the light goes off and I leave his body seems to get the message and he drifts off in less than 10mins. I think we need to give them more credit and understand they can do this, even if it doesn't always look like they will happily just nod off.

If I stayed with my sons till they fell asleep it would genuinely take hours. They would find me being there too distracting and want to chat, or play. I think me leaving creates the boring, dark environment they need.

And yet you’ll confine yourself to her bedroom floor for hours on end every night… that sounds like a thrilling way to spend your evening. Talk about life passing you by 🙄

It wasn’t a hardship for me to prioritise my son’s sleep so that he napped when he needed to and slept 6-7 every night. After a busy day with him, it wasn’t difficult to spend 3pm-6pm playing with him and doing dinner, bath, and bed. I’d rather have the rest of the evening to spend with my husband or go out with friends for a meal/drinks and a catch up, or go for a swim, than be beholden to a disaster of a bedtime routine. Our days were busy, our afternoons were relaxed, and bedtimes were peaceful. It’s a short time that they’re napping. Once he dropped them at 2 and a half, we could be more flexible and do as we please. Some kids are fine with less routine and it doesn’t affect them, but my son was like your daughter and a lack of routine did affect him. It’s a short phase.

You’re the one who said you’re sick of being stuck sitting on the floor for hours while she rolls about in bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I still sit with my five year old until he falls asleep. My two year old settles much easier without me in the room! They’re all just different.

Also never

They learned to self soothe very quickly and fall asleep in minutes now

Obviously if they have a bad dream or are unwell, we go in to them but this is very rare. Once we've done story and singing, that's it for the most part

Are you struggling to understand what I wrote? Ok stuck with her for hours sometimes most of the time she's gone in half an hour. That's fine. It's when she's up late it's not fine. You also seem to struggle to understand that I didn't ask for advice on nap schedules or anything else. I asked when your kids were ok with being left alone in bed, because mine isn't yet. At some point she will be and thats ok. I'm not going to make her cry on her own in the dark until she gets the message like some people think is acceptable! What we do works for us 90% of the time. The other 10% I can't do anything about because life gets in the way.

You prioritised your evening alone time over actually going out in the day. Good for you. Watching a bit of TV alone with my husband is not more important than actually going out and living life for me. Sounds dull as fuck. My daughters well being is very prioritised thank you very much. She loves a full countryside life and is always smiling.

She finished nursery at 6 then falls asleep in the car and won't go to bed as a result. Should I just leave her there? Maybe we should walk the 20 miles so we never leave the house in the car after 3pm 🙄

It's not lack of routine that disrupts her, it's napping too late in the day, I can't stop her doing that unless I quit work, sell the horses and stop sending her to nursery so we can all play for three hours at home and do fuck all else because that's a fulfilling life!?

Seriously don't know what you've got a bee in your bonnet for but on your advice has been helpful and you're clearly just enjoying being condescending. Please feel free to just bugger off.

No it's not disengeuous. If her children felt safe they wouldn't be crying for 40 minutes.

Emotional neglect is seriously damaging. Having all the clothes, food, toys, nice house etc means nothing if your parents don't respond to your emotional needs.

They are all different - parents above congratulating themselves on how their routine works with their kids. Well done. My eldest doesn't drink anything but milk or water, and at 14 has absolutely perfect teeth because of that. Not my doing - his little brother never saw a brightly coloured can of pop that he didn't want. Likewise, one slept well from birth, one didn't, one eats anything put in front of him, the other is the fussiest toad that ever lived.

Different kids are different, and whilst we have some influence, we're not gods.

Both as soon as they went into their toddler bed and when I'd stopped breast feeding them to sleep around 2.4.

We have milk downstairs and a snuggle. Then up to bed. Have a story. Then a kiss goodnight and close the door. My three year old will sometimes say don't go yet but I say I have to read her brother a story and I will be back in to check. She's fine with this.

When I pop my head back in after story with the five year old, she's asleep. My five year old sometimes asks me to stay longer and I say I need to have grown up time and he usually replies with 'enjoy doing your jobs and watching the news'.

I had to be super consistent with bedtime routine since they were little because it was just me putting them to bed as husband works evenings. Both in bed and asleep by 19:45. But they rise early at around 6am.

Erm, 10months. We did ferber

A friend of mine did what you do - and was still doing it at 8! It was really a bit odd. I always found say ‘you don’t have to be asleep you just have to lie quietly and rest’ helped.

But you seem to be reacting quite strongly to advice and quite judgmental of others choice - who are only trying to help you.

OP - it clearly is t working for you because you are reacting very aggressively. It’s just obviously the 6pm drive that’s he problem.

I never stayed in the room with mine, if anything all me staying did was distract them from sleeping. So from 6-7 months.
Sometimes they were calm, some nights they fussed for a few minutes.
Too many people interpret a few mins of tired fussing as a child 'crying/screaming' when really they are just grizzling a bit out of tiredness while they settle.
If they were really upset I'd have gone back in but the vast majority of the time by the time I'd got downstairs and boiled the kettle for a drink, the baby monitor had gone quiet and they were drifting off.

No it's not linked to those at all. Please can you show some proper evidence for that?

If your child wanted some chocolate. You said no. And they then cried? Would you consider yourself to be emotionally neglecting them? Children will cry sometimes when they don't get what they want - eg mummy to sit on their bedroom floor while they go to sleep.
Just because they want it, does not mean they need it. You don't have to give your child everything they want.

You need to ask nursery to put her down for a main lunchtime nap from for eg 12- 2,or 2.30. She'd cope better at 6pm if instead of 1hr in the morning, she took a longer nap over lunch.

Have you got a peer reviewed study you can link that evidences this?

Back to the original question:

I didn’t stay with them until they were asleep, I would usually leave them calm, sleepy but awake and they would drift off to sleep themselves.

I feel like I’ve been where you are OP … and we tried everything. It does get better and settle down for you to get some time back. But I’d liken it to more of twisty river than a straight line - with regressions and phases just when you think you’ve cracked it!

CIO was probably most successful in terms of just leaving her to it and her falling asleep over a few days. But it wasn’t easy & the evenings were spent going up & down stairs to see if she’d stopped and gone to sleep, or trying to block the crying out until she stopped.

I will add our dd is generally a good sleeper and now at age 6 we start the bedtime routine at 7.30, in bed and story by 7.45 and lie in with her generally until 8 when we come out of her room whether she’s asleep or not.

But to get to this point we went through so many phases - particularly memorable was when she was around 4 and we would leave the room and she would get straight up, lights on, toys out (& sometimes her whole wardrobe out) and play until gone 10pm. The state of the room the next day & how long it took to clear up meant it was easier to go back to laying in with her until she fell asleep!

She is very bright and active and has also always been an early riser, so no matter what time she goes to sleep she’s generally awake by 6.30am.

But like a PP said (& I’m probably a bit soft too!) I will always be around for her in the eve if she needs me no matter what age she is.

Yet another OP who posts about a problem then gets angry when they are given advice that they don't like 🙄

Look OP, knock yourself out sitting next to your toddler until 9:30pm as often as you like. Some posters were just offering potential ways to change that.

I didn’t stay with mine until they went to sleep. I can’t see the point of it.

Yes the 6pm drive is the problem. I can't do anything about it. So that's why the question is "when we're your children ok with being left alone in bed" and not "please lecture me on my nap routine, accuse me of 'not prioritising her sleep needs' and tell me to leave my child to cry alone in the dark."

I'm reacting this way because many people are being completely unhelpful, judgemental and are just here to gloat about their superior parenting.

And I thanked the ones who gave useful advice and weren't sanctimonious about their superior parenting or telling me to just leave her to cry didn't I?

You don't have carte blanch to be an arse then say i was only trying to help! When people bristle.