Leaving child awake at bed time

[Silverbelles]

What age could you finally put your child in bed, read them a story and then leave while they were still awake and they would go to sleep on their own?

We put our toddler to bed at 8, sometimes she sleeps straight away but some nights she's up for 2 hours wide awake and won't sleep. I'm sick of not having any evening time to myself at all because by the time she's finally gone to sleep at 10 it's time for me to go to bed too. I'm dying to just put her in bed and leave but as soon as I leave the room she starts crying so I have to sit and wait for her to go to sleep.

Just want to know when we can get some evening time back.

I would second trying this.

What does her nap schedule look like?

It sounds like the problem is more to do with the fact that she's not tired at bedtime. It shouldn't be taking her so long to fall asleep.

Bath, bed, story Goodnight if they don’t go to sleep no more interaction unless they’re unwell.

I started saying mummy neeeds a wee and she's coming back, he cried but was fine when I came back. I did this more and more leaving longer time and he then started being asleep when I came back.

This no longer works now he's not in the cot and I'm back to square one of sitting with him

Erm you don't have to wait till shes asleep, she can cry it out. We have 3 toddlers all in there own rooms and all go bed around 6:6:30pm and that's them until 7:30am. They all get tucked in, a story, a cuddle and a cup of water and there favourite teddy and blanky next to them. Doors are left open and a night light shines all night on the landing. They are all now 3 and it only took 4 nights over a year ago of crying and ignoring and all learnt quickly that mummy is fine for them to talk or lie awake but bedtime means don't get out of bed also no naps in the daytime means they go to sleep fairly quickly most nights aswell

Also leave a night light on, if you didn’t mind her having a tv let her watch something until she falls asleep, could she also be pulling on your heart strings as she knows it will make one of you stay.

What do nap times look like?
How long is she sleeping in the day?

I think I’ve missed what age she is. What are naps like? It shouldn’t be taking her so long to fall asleep so maybe she’s not tired enough.

Either way I wouldn’t be staying with her. Get a Yoto player and tell her that mummy and daddy can’t stay in her room any more. They need their rest time. She can pick a calm and quiet story card each night to listen to in bed. If she gets up take her back to bed every time and remind her that it’s story card time. I recommend the ladybird sleepy stories card for helping toddlers to relax and drop off.

Yes same here, to be fair our girl has never been an issue at bed time unless she's unwell. But she's in nursery 5 afternoons a week now so goes to sleep sometimes half way through her story lol 😂

Hang in there OP. It's not forever 💕

Since we got a Yoto at 2. We used to read books and then sit with her listening to it for a bit - now at 3 she asks us to go so she can “lisden to my storybox in the quiet” 😂 best thing we ever bought by a long way. We even take it camping 😂

There is no fucking way I am leaving my child to cry it out.

I'm not teaching her that when she's upset or scared no one comes.

She's 14 months so all the posts telling me to have a conversation with her telling her to choose a story etc. are irrelevant she doesn't understand.

She usually only naps an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon or she'll do one big one around lunchtime. The problem is she'll fall asleep in the car so if we go out after 3 she'll fall asleep in the car then won't be tired enough to go straight to sleep at bed time but we simply can't never leave the house after 3pm that's just ridiculous and unworkable.

My ds was around 3 when we started leaving him to self settle. We would tell him we had jobs to do and would come back in a bit and we'd pop out head round the door after a minute and then just started extending that time. It didn't take him long at all to get used to it

I'd definitely move away from an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon to one long one at lunchtime, but maybe see if you can move that one a little earlier.

Is there a relationship between the type/length/timing of nap she has and the bedtime issue? What happens differently on the days she falls asleep quickly Vs the days she doesn't? If you haven't noticed a pattern maybe observe for a couple of weeks and see if you can find one. It's highly likely that the two are linked.

Ok well given you didn’t say her age, no one can give appropriate advice. Age matters.

I absolutely didn’t take my son out in the car past 3 pm at that age because I prioritised my evenings to myself and a quick and simple bedtime routine. If that’s not workable for you then you have to either live with how things are now and address the issue down the road, or lay the foundations now. 14 months is absolutely fine to be communicating things to them. You just do it simply. I night weaned at one year old and said “bedtime milk is all done, you can have milk in the morning” on repeat during the process. You can tell a 14 month old “it’s bedtime” “time to sleep” “night night” and just be consistent. Have a solid routine, let her pick a card or a tonie character to listen to.

If you think she’s too young then ride it out and carry on as you are, or let her stay up later until she’s actually tired. It’s up to you how much you care about sitting on the floor by her bed for two hours every night. I’d hate that and simply wouldn’t do it but I’m stubborn. I’d rather put the hard work in now and reap the long term benefits.

DS1 was 2 and a half, and we'd been in the habit of staying in his room patting his back till he fell asleep. But it was starting to take ages and we realised he was fighting sleep so he'd see when we left (he obviously knew we left the room at some point). And we had DS2 on the way and didn't want to be doing this forever. So that's when we had the conversation about how this was not working (not enough sleep for him; both getting cross) and what the new routine was going to be. I'm not going to claim there was no crying, but it was more rage than distress, and it only took about a week. If you don't want to leave her to cry at this age, OP, I suspect you'll just have to wait until she's talking/understanding enough to have it explained, which might be some time around 2.

With DS2, we decided we were not putting ourselves through that again, so he has been taught to self-settle pretty much from birth. If he's not that sleepy when he goes in his cot, he plays with his teddies and says 'bye bye' when we leave the room. Occasionally he cries for about 30 seconds.

Same! No time for yourself otherwise. To stay with them is to make a rod for your own back

Thank god @Silverbelles isn't as barbaric as you

Stories, cuddles with loving parents, teddies, night lights.

yes… utterly barbaric 🙄

look, cry it out isn’t for me either. We sleep trained in a different way. But these children are not being treated barbarically so calm down.

Since mine were babies.
I'd keep going back to check.
When they were old enough to understand I'd tell them I'd be back in a few minutes, which I did. Then the longer it took them to go to sleep, the longers the minutes. Ie. Back in 2 mins, back in 3 mins etc.

Cry it out is barbaric. It's linked to insecure attachment and anxiety in adults.

Children that stop crying because they know nobody is coming are not children that feel emotionally safe.

No need to be so snarky.

I am not being confined to my house from 3pm every day. There's a whole world out there and a life to live. We all get bored sitting in the house for half the day. Just not doing anything past 3pm isn't "putting the hard work in" it's letting life pass you by.

Never stayed with any of them from babyhood.

As I said, cry it out is not for me and I wouldn’t do it. I had the same success with different methods.

But children who wake up every day to loving parents who meet their every need and have created a stable and safe home environment are not going to be damaged by this. That poster has clearly created a cosy and safe bedtime routine for her children. She cuddles them and reads them stories. She leaves their door open and has a little night light for them. She has obviously made sure that the children are set up to know they are safe in their rooms and mummy and daddy are near, but it’s time to sleep and mummy and daddy cannot spend hours sitting on your bedroom floor because you want it.

You cannot compare a loving and safe home environment where children are taught that bedtime means bedtime, to a child whose needs are never met and whose crying is consistently ignored, who is severely neglected and left alone all the time.

Saying it’s barbaric and painting the situation as though PP’s poor neglected children have just given up on life, lost all will to live in their tiny bodies, and just cried themselves into submission… it’s just disingenuous. They will be happy and thriving toddlers like any other.

3.5 for my eldest- and I had to creep out or he'd wake and I'd have to go back. But like PP, a switch flipped when he was 3.5 and he was just suddenly fine - I'd say night night, go to sleep now, and he'd roll over and go to sleep

Then my youngest went in with his brother after he stopped coming to bed with me (literally at the same time as me, no early bedtime for babies, until he was about 8 months) so I left them both to it after the story.