Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Original poster

The Ferber method?

37 replies

LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:16

We're trying the Ferber method with our 5.5 month old son. He has always been a bad sleeper, he got a bit better around 4 months then it fell off a cliff again and he needs rocking to sleep, will sleep for 2 hours and then refuses to sleep unless cuddled in bed with me which is leading to not a lot of sleep for me!!

I tried it when he first woke up yesterday and he took 2 hours to fall asleep so I was too exhausted by the time he woke up to bother doing it again, but I really need him to start sleeping better before I lose my mind 😴

Put him down for bed 40 minutes ago and he's still wailing. I know it can take a while for them to learn and this is only really the first proper night, I just want to make sure I'm doing everything right and not upsetting him unnecessarily if I'm not following it correctly.

He doesn't get reassured at all by me going in, just continues crying because I won't pick him up. So how long do I stay there reassuring him? Do I pick him up to calm him and then put him back in his cot?

Also, anyone who this has worked for, did you do the same thing for nap times?

Any other thoughts I'm all ears! Desperate to help him sleep without relying on me holding him to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:18

Also how much do I let him cry, if he's screaming should I intervene? It's so hard to not soothe him when he's crying, but I know the only reason he's upset is because he wants to sleep with me and not in his cot.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2025 20:21

A 5.5 month old crying for 40 minutes is not a choice I would ever make. I don’t like Ferber and there are so many different ways.

And I have sympathy, DD didn’t sleep through for 2 years. And I was a broken woman. But there were things I wouldn’t do.

shakeneggs · 06/05/2025 20:24

Please don’t do this; it is so savage! They are tiny babies! I have a nearly 4 year old who still doesn’t sleep through, so I know how horrid it can be with the lack of sleep. But I could never ever let my baby cry themselves to sleep or work themselves up. Can you just not understand how sad it is for them when they are crying out for you, and you don’t come?

Fourteenandahalf · 06/05/2025 20:25

I did the ferber method with both my children. No I didn't do it for naps. Yes it was worth it in the end.
Personally I think 5.5 months is far too young though. I don't know if your baby is likely to learn how to self settle this way.

shakeneggs · 06/05/2025 20:26

“I know it can take a while for them to learn and this is only really the first proper night”

this isn’t a puppy we’re talking about here… it’s your baby!

Zeitumschaltung · 06/05/2025 20:27

I would suggest waiting until he actually reaches 6 months and consider the no-cry training approaches.

BoredZelda · 06/05/2025 20:27

We used a program called sleepsense. The first couple of nights felt brutal, but our daughter only cried for about 10 minutes. I’m relaxed about letting babies self soothe and having a wee cry to themselves before going off to sleep, our daughter always did that for a few minutes (she cried way longer than that if we intervened and tried to settle her!) but 40 minutes would be far too long for me.

Original poster
LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:27

What are the other ways you would recommend? I'm really not looking for sleep through the night, just more than an hour or two a night that I can sleep.

OP posts:
Zeitumschaltung · 06/05/2025 20:28

LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:27

What are the other ways you would recommend? I'm really not looking for sleep through the night, just more than an hour or two a night that I can sleep.

Gradual retreat. The first night was one wakeup only, and she was doing 12 unbroken hours within the week. She was 7 months though and a great eater.

ramonaqueenbee · 06/05/2025 20:33

5.5 months is too young. Can someone help you with the nights so you can get a good chunk of sleep? Or you go to bed early and they do a last feed late so you get an uninterrupted stretch? Or if the nights are your job, see it as such and have someone to hold, cuddle, amuse him for a few hours in the day while you nap. It feels so horrendous when you're got g through it, but it isn't forever.

Babyboomtastic · 06/05/2025 20:35

LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:27

What are the other ways you would recommend? I'm really not looking for sleep through the night, just more than an hour or two a night that I can sleep.

Options

  1. you persevere with cuddling and putting him down when he's asleep, possibly right next to you. Find a cosleeping position that works for both of you.
  2. take shifts so you can get more sleep
  3. have realistic expectations for this age.

I wouldn't be personally be letting my baby cry like that. You have to think of your baby's wellbeing and mental health as well as your own, but equally, you cost to have a baby knowing that would mean sleep deprivation. That doesn't mean martyrdom, but I equally don't think that means you should let your baby cry themselves to sleep.

comoatoupeira · 06/05/2025 20:45

woah, he is way too young. Poor little thing.

shakeneggs · 06/05/2025 20:49

Can you not co sleep?

ViolaPlains · 06/05/2025 20:51

I read Sarah Ockenden’s book and then used her advice to put them down and then when they’re settled but not asleep fold clothes (or something) in their room, so you’re a presence but not distracting them, and then leave when they’ve nodded off. It took me about a week and was painless and I’ve got a great sleeper even 7 years later.

WorthyOtter · 06/05/2025 20:52

LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:18

Also how much do I let him cry, if he's screaming should I intervene? It's so hard to not soothe him when he's crying, but I know the only reason he's upset is because he wants to sleep with me and not in his cot.

0 time!! Its borderline neglect. This poor baby's crying out for you. I understand how you're feeling, my 8 month old goes through phases, but please do literally anything other than letting your baby cry.

shalamakooky · 06/05/2025 20:57

He’s too young!!!
don’t do this please

start at 1 years

shalamakooky · 06/05/2025 20:57

But you leave at intervals of 1 mins and go back in.

Ragenage · 06/05/2025 21:02

I personally wouldn’t do this. It sounds like it must be horrible for everyone.

Co-sleeping has worked wonders for us, even though it’s not something we thought we would consider. We caved when our first was waking up frequently and taking ages to settle at around 8 months. Discovered he slept soundly if popped into bed with us after the first waking, which was so much better for everyone. Went straight to co-sleeping with babies 2 and 3 and haven’t ever really felt sleep deprived.

ZippyKoala · 06/05/2025 21:02

LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 20:27

What are the other ways you would recommend? I'm really not looking for sleep through the night, just more than an hour or two a night that I can sleep.

There are some great books etc. out there which will talk you through gentle sleep training methods that are appropriate for age. Personally I liked 'Sleep Better Baby' (the authors also do a podcast) but I have seen similar approaches across many well-regarded authors. They often focus on routine, sleep cues and consistency with how/when you comfort... although yes, there will probably be a little bit of upset involved (40mins seems a lot but I am no expert on that!)

ZippyKoala · 06/05/2025 21:04

And if you do decide to co-sleep stay mindful of the risks. I'm not saying don't - it is definitely right for some people (and sleep deprivation is a risk itself for you and baby!). But co-sleeping does increase the risk of SIDS so take reasonable precautions :)

Muteswan · 06/05/2025 21:04

My friend did Ferber before 6m for her now 4yo and he's the most anxious, nervous and clingy little boy ever and during awake times she's such a sensitive gentle parent who pays attention to her little one's needs. Obviously I don't know if there's a link... But I certainly wouldn't risk it! You have my sympathy though, sleep deprivation is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with by a country mile!

WorthyOtter · 06/05/2025 21:06

Muteswan · 06/05/2025 21:04

My friend did Ferber before 6m for her now 4yo and he's the most anxious, nervous and clingy little boy ever and during awake times she's such a sensitive gentle parent who pays attention to her little one's needs. Obviously I don't know if there's a link... But I certainly wouldn't risk it! You have my sympathy though, sleep deprivation is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with by a country mile!

I've always wondered what effects it would have on them

NineteenSeventyNine · 06/05/2025 21:07

Don’t do it! It’s a very outdated approach and the latest research warns firmly against leaving babies to cry for prolonged periods. Being persuaded to try this sort of rubbish instead of just co-sleeping and/or feeding/soothing my babies to sleep is one of my biggest regrets. We all had less sleep and more anxiety as a result.

Original poster
LondontoBanbury · 06/05/2025 21:28

Thank you for the helpful replies and suggestions for other methods/books, I'll look into those. From what I'd read he seemed at an appropriate age, but it sounds like he's too young for self-soothing. I've read equally horrified comments quoting the dangers of co-sleeping, so looking for advice is a minefield. I'd still like to move towards him sleeping in his cot somehow because we both get such better sleep. It feels easier to put him next to me because we can both at least doze throughout the night, but neither of us seem to actually sleep.

OP posts:
Notajogger · 06/05/2025 21:37

This is madness, the poor little thing. This is hugely outdated advice, read up about secure attachment (this breaks it!).
My eldest was a terrible sleeper (and still doesn't sleep through at 6 years old) so I know what getting no sleep is like but you can't do this. Have a look up about safe co sleeping.