3 week old- tell me it won't always be like this...

[Trulybloodymassive]

DW and I had DD nearly three weeks ago. She's an absolute dream baby in the day. Loves the car, the pram, baths, having her nappy changed etc but at night she's proving so tricky.

We're struggling to put her down in the next 2 me for more than about 15-20 minutes at a time. She breastfeeds or is rocked to sleep and transfers over ok but it just doesn't last.

She's in a love to dream swaddle which she seems to quite like as it gives her access to her hands but she does seems to have quite a strong startle reflex too. It's so so hard. I'm back to work in a week and so worried about having to choose between exhaustion at work or DW having to shoulder more of the burden.

We can't cosleep due to low birthweight and not having the money to replace our soft mattress currently. I know babies this tiny just want to be close to you but I don't know how to fix this. We have the side down on the next to me and do patting and shushing from there.

Please help!

It will get better OP but possibly not as quickly as you’d want.
Can you have a good nap in the day/early evening so the nights are more bearable.
Would white noise help with the startle reflex?
Im sure others will be along with advice. It’s been a long time since I had a baby.

It will get better!! This is the worst bit. Around 6 weeks they start to sleep more

In the meantime I’d try a stronger swaddle that goes over arms too. And a dummy (I only used dummies to 6 months then got rid of them in a couple of days so no long term issues) and play white noise all night - you have to get used to sleeping through that yourself but it’s better than a crying baby!!

Totally normal at this stage but understand it is very hard! Some people are against them but a Sleepyhead / Purflo nest saved my sanity with this. I was regularly falling asleep sat up in bed holding baby so this was a safer option for me. Unfortunately I just don’t think the ‘sleep on a cold hard flat surface’ advice works in real life. Babies have come from the womb, they feel unsafe on a flat open surface! Well most of them do. I think it’s pure luck if you get a newborn who will sleep like this and it’s not the norm.

Thank you for the replies! You know you're sleep deprived when kindness makes you teary!

She does have a sleepyhead that we use on the sofa in the day and she seems to quite like. My worry is that she always seems to end up on her side and I'd be anxious about her getting stuck with her face into it. Will definitely crank the white noise, take all the naps and try to ride it out. Desperately hoping we get this 6 week reprieve

We also have a 3 week old - it's so tough, I feel your pain! One thing that seems to help us is putting a heat pad on her nexttome crib for a bit before putting her in so the mattress is nice and warm. You can use a hot water bottle too! (Obviously take it out when you pop her down!)

My first born had a really bad startle reflex, we used the tighter tommee tippee swaddle bags which really helped at night times!

Hope this helps a bit :)

I hated the love to dream swaddle, made no difference getting my baby to settle and it looked like he was uncomfortable in it. Get one that keeps their arms wrapped around their body. Tommee Tippee are the best.

And definitely white noise like others have said

We couldn't cosleep with my eldest for the same reasons. White noise and tommee tippee grobags worked best for us at the start, plus a dummy (i know lots of people are against them and its especially tricky when establishing BF, so it's a personal choice. We were recommended it by the NICU nurses as they can help prevent SIDS plus strengthen DD1s suck to feed more effectively.). We moved into love2dream swaddles at a bit later on i think.

Lots of good suggestions here. You could try them progressively - tighter swaddle, white noise, dummy - so you can identify which it the one that makes the difference. If her startle reflex is strong, the tight swaddle stopping it may resolve things.

I'm wondering about the rocking to sleep and whether she hasn't had the chance to feel what it's like to go to sleep in the Next-to-me rather than in your arms. You could swaddle her, rock her and talk quietly to her whilst she's awake, the lay her down in the Next-to-me and soothe her by putting your hand on her stomach and moving it gently for a few minutes, then withdraw.

When sleep is really bad shift work can be the only solution that means everyone gets some sleep.

For example, you take the baby 7pm-12am so your wife gets a block of time and then she deals with the overnight so you can get enough sleep to function at work.

It's obviously not ideal long term, but it is better than very extreme sleep deprivation.

Is the maybe exclusively bf or mixed fed?

It does get better! Can take a while though depending on the baby. We had to co sleep as we just couldn't ever put ours down and couldn't bear to let them cry. They fed every hour in the night for months but moved into their own rooms at 7/8 months and slept 10-12hrs through. They did both nap alone from about 4 months though before that it was all contact naps.

Have you tried warming the next to me cot with hot water bottles for a bit before you put baby in (obviously removing them beforehand and checking it's not too hot)? This seems to work with our baby. We do a nappy change, feed to sleep, swaddle then lay down and keep our hands on his body with light pressure for a bit.

Thank you for all the replies- really appreciate the advice and reassurance that it will get better.

We actually have a tommee tippee grobag from a friend but I think she might still be too small for it. Will give that and the warming the bed with a hot water bottle (genius!) a go first and see how we get on!!

She's breast and expressed bottle fed so I have managed to take a 4-5 hour shift while wife grabs a few hours but she won't consistently take the bottle so it's a bit of a fight

I suggest a proper swaddle, that holds her arms tightly. You want to hug her not just be around her. Saying that one of my babies left the swaddle, one hated it.

I'm not going to make any promises about when it'll get better, it might be a while until there are decent stretches, but the 50 to 20 minute waking will eventually pass, definitely.

Sleep is very much a marathon, not a sprint, often it'll get better than worse than better than worse, more times than you could imagine. Everyone's journey is different. Support each other as best you can, try not to play the who's more tired game, to give each other the gift of sleep as best you can.

Good luck
(The mum of a 5&7 year old who still wake at night, but not as much as they did!)

No, it isn't always like this, you'll hopefully get a good few years between toddlerhood and hormones kicking in when you'll have the evenings and nights to yourself!
My babies needed many many feeds at 3 weeks, they are running on instinct and they need to build up the milk supply. It must be much harder for you both with a more vulnerable baby.

@Trulybloodymassive you can get them in 0-3 months. I used them from birth with
my second. Average sized baby.

OP, it gets better. If baby will take a bottle maybe try formula for the feed before bed. It fills their tummy more. Dummy may help. Also sleep when the baby sleeps, even if that means you're having a few naps in the day and not getting out much. Try establishing a nighttime routine including a bath, that can help signal it's time for bed. Something about the temperature of the water being warm and then them getting cold when they get out.
They all sleep at different ages

Ive just looked at our old tommee tippee one and it says from 0-3months from 5lbs (DD1 was 2.6kg at birth and got smaller after a NICU stay) but i can only see 0-3months from 7lbs on the website. I wonder if they have changed their sizing / design. So it might be worth looking on vinted or other websites to see if they have any of the older style ones, which might fit now.

If we'd had to wait until 7lbs to use ours, DD1 would have been nearly 8weeks old! 🫠

I feel for you OP, there’s nothing worse than the shock of those early weeks. As well as warming the sheet, a midwife suggested to us to put a t shirt warn by mum for a few hours in the next2me (obviously stretched out width ways and tucked in so it’s like a fitted sheet). This and a pink light (we just got a touch lamp from amazon which has a range of colours) which seems to mimic the womb, plus white noise, as already suggested! Hang on in there, it will get better!

It’s tough, our first wouldn’t be put down at all to sleep for the first 3 months. We slept in shifts but when my DH went back to work I did the majority of the night shifts and he gave me a break at the weekends. It’s very hard but you do get through it and they will be put down eventually.

Bless you, it is hard! I would try a proper swaddle so her arms are more enclosed than up with the love to dream. We got ours from little seeds, they are super easy and our baby LOVED them. You’re also in peak witching hour territory (an hour that lasts about 7!) and it drives you craaaazy. We never co slept due to my anxiety, but I did have the side of the next to me down a lot to get closer and add reassurance. Hang in there, it does get easier soon! Ensure baby feeds lots during the day to get calories in, tummy time, and lots of cuddles as there have been studies linked to more contact naps/cuddles in the day to better sleep at night. You can do it!

It does get better! My DS was the same, would only sleep on the boob. I spent the first 3/4 weeks having to sleep sat up in bed. I’d say by 6 weeks he started going down in the next to me most of the night. It’s is awful and I remember crying with exhaustion wishing I could just get one night of sleep, Every night felt like an eternity. Hold in there!

Things that helped us:
White noise continuously all night (around 50dcb and not too close to their head)
Using my t shirt as a fitted sheet for the next to me.
Warming next to me with hot water bottle then taking this out.
Tommee tippee Swaddle bags
Dummy (altho at this age ours didn't take one)
Sometimes just heavy hand on body as they stirred

Friends did split shifts which helped both mum and dad sleep in longer chunks. This didn't work for us as I breastfed and baby would wake at least hourly.

It will get easier. Although mine did not nap in day in cot or next to me until 7m, so naps for us were in pram, car or in arms.

It does get better, promise. During the early weeks with our first I wondered why anyone would have children ever. Keep swaddling (I'd second the Little Seeds swaddles a pp mentioned, or that style) and putting her down in her cot. Snugglebundls can be very helpful with transfer too

snugglebundl.co.uk/?srsltid=AfmBOorGyw5WcfQP1AKXb4wH1l4fVOy2l2N1iGdflQNMVL1kcTo53e6Y