Partners snoring is driving me nuts

[seveneves]

I've been with my partner a few years now and he has always snored on and off but lately it is so bad and just seems to be getting worse. It's at the point where I can only sleep through it if I am exhausted and have fallen asleep first. This isn't always easy as I am a light sleeper and need much less sleep than he does. I can't sleep with ear plugs in as I end up with earache and quite honestly they also trigger my anxiety as I worry I might not hear something I need to. Mad I know. We are at the point in our relationship where we are talking about moving in together but this is seriously holding me back to the point if changing my mind. Recently I've even had to say he can't stay over night as it's affecting my sleep so badly. For a while I would sleep on my couch but I really don't see why I should have to do that especially when it's getting to the stage of every night. I have talked to him about this. I've asked him to try snore patches or a mouth guard and various other things I've found online. I have even asked him to take antihistamines regularly as he is allergic to my pets and when he takes allergy meds there's a difference to his breathing during the day as well as at night. But he refuses to do this as well as he doesn't see why he should spend money on stuff he "doesn't need". His whole outlook on it is that it's not his problem as he has a peaceful sleep and can't hear anything. I've asked him to go to bed earlier on work nights as he does have a heavy going job and tiredness definitely affects it but he doesn't want to lose time in front of the tv at night. Honestly so frustrated about it and my sleep pattern is so messed up from having had him here for a few nights. Not sure what else to do about it. Any ideas?
Not sure what im expecting from this lol just needed a rant I guess as struggling to get sleep after napping in the afternoon.

If he’s refusing to do anything about it that limits your options, if you move in together your sleep will be forever affected. There are things that will help but he has to be open to them.

I have the same issue and it’s weird how the snorer always seems to keep the main bed while the person affected by the snoring has to move out of the main bedroom or become exhausted.

We’re lucky in that my daughter has left home now so there’s a nice spare bedroom which has become “my” bedroom apart from when she visits. It does make me feel a bit resentful though that he wouldn’t consider moving out of the main bedroom.

In short, separate bedrooms is the answer if possible.

My entire 20+ year marriage is falling to pieces because of my husband's snoring, in fact it's not his snoring it's his lack of willing to try and stop or minimise it.

We've had separate rooms for years, zero sex, zero intimacy lost all respect for him and his lack of giving a shit. I'm in the main room, no way am I compromising my sleep.

The big issue is holidays and breaks for us, we get on but I dread going away with him and just knowing I won't relax or sleep is now destroying my breaks. I've booked trips without him this year.

All because of something he refuses to minimise.

I would be very seriously considering options here, as his lack of trying is the red flag.

Decent earplugs have been my saviour. The aching stopped after a few weeks. I now can't even feel mine. Can you try and overcome your fear of not hearing something?

I started using them 15 years ago about a year before we had our first child, and I had the same fears but I soon realised I'm a light enough sleeper that I will wake up if I need to and I wore them continually for two babies - night feeding each for six months, waking for toddler cries in the night etc etc. but I wasn't woken by the cat walking into the room, cars or people in the street outside and much, much less disturbed by DH snoring. I use pillow soft from Mack's earplugs.

Yeah, same position here. 20 years of taking it in turns to take the sofa, but now the children are older, I'm almost always on the sofa as he works, and cares for me and our two kids with disabilities. When the grown up children visit, we have to share. Which is why I'm awake and typing this now. Aim is to get a bigger house with more bedrooms. One day.

So no children together and you don’t live together? LTB. He doesn’t value your sleep and doesn’t care about you enough to do anything about his snoring. The posts above me show that this shitty attitude will stay the same.

My DH and I both have sleep apnoea and snore. We both got diagnosed and use CPAP. So even with that background I still say LTB.

Don't do it.
I'm laying awake right now listening to my H snoring the actual house down. It's insane, I cannot believe he makes the same level of noise as an electric drill. I am in the main bedroom, he is in a different room, but the loudness of his snoring travels through the entire house.
Same situation, he's not prepared to do a thing to help it.
If I wake him up and tell him to turn over on to his side or prop up with extra pillows, he starts shouting his head off at me which upsets our DC.
So I spend nights awake feeling sleep deprived instead.
He used to be a regular snorer but it has built up and got much, much worse over the years.
Don't do it. Sleep deprivation is torture and it significantly impacts on your ability to function the next day, I speak from bitter experience.
It's ruined my life, basically.

Maybe check out this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5238569-i-fixed-snoring?page=1

I threatened DH with a sleep divorce (where you sleep in separate rooms) and he quickly stopped. He did it by getting an extra thick pillow below his and it keeps him upright while sleeping. I also have permission to hit him while he snores, which quickly trained him as to which ways he should or should not sleep to prevent snoring. It is possible if they want to. Also. Snoring is serious. It's often quoted in divorce documentation. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Imagine if you shouted at him all night. That's what he's doing to you...

For anyone snoring like this I would get them checked out for sleep apnea.
The risk if they do not get it sorted is a stroke or heart attack, if they need some motivation.

'You' would get them checked out for sleep apnoea?
These men aren't 5 years old! You can't pick them up and take them to the doctors!
They can only get checked out for sleep apnoea if they take responsibility and get themselves to a GP.
This only works if you're dealing with a proper man.
If you're dealing with a child man who won't take any responsibility for their health and who doesn't give a flying fuck about the impact on their partner, like I am and like OP is, then you're up against a brick wall without any hope of diagnosis.

Fair point, I was trying to be brief. I think the threat of what may likely happen if left unchecked would help make the case.
Speaking from personal experience here.

You don’t have to put up with it. Period.

He needs to get checked for sleep apnea and needs to make adjustments to improve on his condition. Think diet, alcohol, exercise etc. what I’m saying is if he thinks it’s your problem, lose him.

Unfortunately sometimes it’s a “nostrils problem”. My DH snores, I’m a super light sleeper. He’s done the nhs sleep test and all they’ve advised is to lose some weight.. which he’s trying to. He says he can feel a flap in his nostrils which probably can only be fixed cosmetically (we haven’t looked into it).

I wear earplugs, but most nights if he wakes me up snoring he goes to the spare room😁. A bit tricky when we go on holidays… but he is thoughtful and tries his best to let me have a good night’s sleep.

So definitely have a honest convo about this before you move in together.

Same here. Luckily we have a spare room that I decamp to in the middle of the night but broken sleep is no fun. We're in the same position re holidays. Just booked a 2 bed apartment for our next one so will see how that goes.

I think if you aren't already living together I would stick to your current circumstances until he does something about it. And I certainly wouldn't allow him to sleep over in the meantime!

This is abuse. He doesn't get to terrorize the house and deprive everyone of sleep. What an asshole.

I had the same problem and every time he stayed over, one of us ended up moving out of the bed. He tried every possible solution. Finally a Cpap machine worked.
If yours can't be bothered to even try because it's not his problem, I'm afraid that's very reflective of how he will be generally as a partner. I definitely wouldn't move in with him. Not because of the snoring but because of his selfishness.

I use a snooze band and it works well, but i can only use it with enough volume to cancel out the snoring when it's not my night with the baby monitor as otherwise it takes longer to register the baby crying. We take it in turns to have the monitor so the nights when i have it are hit and miss depending upon how bad, loud and frequent the snoring is that night! It's worse if your partner is a bit heavy or has gained weight and also if they drink alcohol. I drink so i can't pick my partner up on that! His snoring got worse as he got bigger but he's still in pretty good shape so i can't pick him up for that either.

I snore. In my relationships I have always compromised. I would get in bed with my.bloke but the minute I started snoring would go into my spare room. On some occasions I would go straight into the spare room, e.g. if we were going on a long drive the next date, despite his protestations. I don't see why slerp dhould be compromised if it is unnecessary. Your partner is selfish

Sorry to say but this contributed to my divorce. Not the snoring but the "it's your problem, not mine" attitude. It wasn't THE reason but part of a bigger selfish picture of him.

My current husband snores if he's over tired or drinks too much. He's always apologetic and will voluntarily take himself to the other room. Sometimes I take myself to the sofa just to not force him to do that, especially if I know he has a hard day tomorrow i.e. there is some consideration on both sides.