I cannot believe that I am writing this but here it goes.
I feel like a failure of a mother. I have a 2.5 year old and for the last 6 months, sleep has been horrendous. Don't get me wrong prior to this we would have episodes of poor sleep but not consistently and quite often my son would sleep through and nap easily. I actually hired a sleep consultant the other day and she inputted lots of sensory ideas and things to help reduce seperation anxiety. I am awaiting her report to see what I can do. His structure for the day is good apparently and she wouldn't change any of that. Nap times are a HUGE battle. My son still needs a nap and she agrees. If he doesn't have one, the nights are more hell.
My husband did one of the wakes last night but my son screams at him because he wants me instead. My husband tells him that 'mummy is asleep'. Anyway after 20 mins my son accepted his Dad/my husband. I was up for the 5th time with him last night, sat outside his bedroom door for reassurance. I sat there and had suicidal thoughts. I have never had these before. I wanted a way out. My husband has his Christmas work meal this evening and I was even thinking of once I put my son to bed, I could escape? I don't actually want to harm myself, I just want a way out. It's like I was hallucinating. I am probably averaging 2-3 hours of solid sleep a night and then a high energy toddler in the day who would sleep. For almost a week now I have been ill with a really bad cold that I just can't shift. I feel rough. I am probably run down. Anyway, this morning I sobbed to my husband. I told him my thoughts. am not sure I have cried so much. He had to go to work and he stayed on the phone with me until he got there. Not sure whether it's to add fuel to the fire but I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, I was probably about 4.5 weeks, an early loss. But could my hormones be out of synch until my period arrives again? I haven't had time to process this loss due to having toddler who keeps me on my toes, and in a way I have become numb to it all as I have had previous losses and an ectopic. My son's labour was traumatic and I required trauma counselling after. How I am feeling now is that I couldn't manage another child anyway.....
Anyway, I am not on any medication. I don't think I am depressed but maybe I am? To be honest I just need a weeks worth of a full night's sleep.
My husband has offered to go away to his parents with our son for the night this weekend. Yes everything is a phase but I am not sure I am even surviving at this point.
Thanks for reading and hopefully you don't all think I am crazy.