Intrusive thoughts/sleep deprivation

[CCsweet]

I cannot believe that I am writing this but here it goes.
I feel like a failure of a mother. I have a 2.5 year old and for the last 6 months, sleep has been horrendous. Don't get me wrong prior to this we would have episodes of poor sleep but not consistently and quite often my son would sleep through and nap easily. I actually hired a sleep consultant the other day and she inputted lots of sensory ideas and things to help reduce seperation anxiety. I am awaiting her report to see what I can do. His structure for the day is good apparently and she wouldn't change any of that. Nap times are a HUGE battle. My son still needs a nap and she agrees. If he doesn't have one, the nights are more hell.
My husband did one of the wakes last night but my son screams at him because he wants me instead. My husband tells him that 'mummy is asleep'. Anyway after 20 mins my son accepted his Dad/my husband. I was up for the 5th time with him last night, sat outside his bedroom door for reassurance. I sat there and had suicidal thoughts. I have never had these before. I wanted a way out. My husband has his Christmas work meal this evening and I was even thinking of once I put my son to bed, I could escape? I don't actually want to harm myself, I just want a way out. It's like I was hallucinating. I am probably averaging 2-3 hours of solid sleep a night and then a high energy toddler in the day who would sleep. For almost a week now I have been ill with a really bad cold that I just can't shift. I feel rough. I am probably run down. Anyway, this morning I sobbed to my husband. I told him my thoughts. am not sure I have cried so much. He had to go to work and he stayed on the phone with me until he got there. Not sure whether it's to add fuel to the fire but I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, I was probably about 4.5 weeks, an early loss. But could my hormones be out of synch until my period arrives again? I haven't had time to process this loss due to having toddler who keeps me on my toes, and in a way I have become numb to it all as I have had previous losses and an ectopic. My son's labour was traumatic and I required trauma counselling after. How I am feeling now is that I couldn't manage another child anyway.....
Anyway, I am not on any medication. I don't think I am depressed but maybe I am? To be honest I just need a weeks worth of a full night's sleep.
My husband has offered to go away to his parents with our son for the night this weekend. Yes everything is a phase but I am not sure I am even surviving at this point.
Thanks for reading and hopefully you don't all think I am crazy.

Oh @CCsweet. You poor thing. Sleep deprivation on its own is enough to drive most of us mad but all that with a full-on toddler during the day, a bad cold and a miscarriage as well as other losses on top of it all would be too much for anyone.

Well done on telling your husband how you feel. Is there anyone else you could ask for support today?

It would also definitely be worth giving your GP a ring today and telling them how you're feeling. You could well be depressed but they're best placed to work that out and either way they'll be able to point you to lots of support options. There's no reason why you should have to muddle on like this at all. You deserve much better and there's plenty of help out there just waiting for you.

In the meantime, here's a link to our Mental Health webguide which has lots of numbers you can call if it would help to talk to someone right now. If you DH can't get out of his Christmas meal, can you get yourself something nice to eat and put some comfort telly on? There are always people here to chat to as well. If you'd like us to move this to a busier part of the boards, too, just hit the report button on your post and let us know. You might get quicker responses over in Chat, maybe?

Hey OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. Any one of those things is enough to tip someone over the edge but dealing with them all at the same time is so bloody difficult no wonder you feel the way you do.

I don't think you're crazy. I think you're awesome. For having all this on your plate and still being there for your child.

Do you think your DH taking your child away for a night will help?

Have you spoken to your GP?

Re the sleep thing. I once read that if you fix your child's daytime sleep, the nighttime will follow and vice versa.

Are you able to co-sleep?

What does your child's usual day look like?

I'd go to your GP and ask to be put on something like Prozac for anxiety.

Hi everyone

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful messages. I have just got in to bed for the evening. Hubby is at his Christmas work meal, I wanted him to go and enjoy himself. I have cried and cried on and off all day. I am so mentally and physically done. I also feel so ill, I have lost my smell and taste. No idea if I have COVID because I have no tests. But whether it is or it isn't, it is what it is. My toddler refused to nap 'why mummy, it's boring'. I tried everything, in my bed, with me on his bedroom floor, on sofa. He was so tired at the point. He definitely needed it. Last resort was me having to drive around for an hour out of desperation of no one wanting me for something. I felt in such a haze that I had to stop for a while. I have really been trying to fix his day sleep but nope he is a strong willed toddler lol.
I was thinking that I will telephone my GP tomorrow. I've been having a lot of thoughts such as 'i don't deserve to have a child' because I feel as if I am trying to swim but not getting anywhere. I am so so exhausted and find myself easily irritable and snappy. I have been having some weird thoughts today, I can't really describe them.
My husband can work away for months of a time, perhaps everything has suddenly caught up on me. Husband taking toddler away for a night....hmm maybe. I guess I would get a full night sleep which may help give me a reboot. I feel like I need to be alone for a week 😂.
Thank you so much everyone. I pray tonight and tomorrow is better. Everything is a phase but this feels like a long one. I would have never thought that sleep deprivation would put my mental health on line.

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot ❤️

Please let your husband take the little one away. You're not crazy, you just need some rest. I know one night is not much given the circumstances! And don't be too afraid to try antidepressants if you and the doctors agree on it after you've spoken to them. I did find they helped me cope with extreme sleep deprivation.

Sleep deprivation is awful and had a much more significant effect than you'd expect.

Does your toddler enjoy hearing stories? The Sleepypaws story by Moshi (YouTube or Spotify) puts my now 10 year old out like a light. Been using it for years.

Honestly, when I can't sleep I use it myself! Works a treat.

You could try getting him to listen to it in bed and see if it helps him to switch off and sleep. Maybe even have a mini bedtime routine for nap times, get him into PJs etc so his brain starts recognising it's time to sleep.

If he isn't napping, what time is bedtime? He might be wanting to drop the nap which means his bedtime needs to be sooner. Again, try and stick to a routine and see if that helps.

Can your husband get some time off to support you?

Wishing you a peaceful, deeply restful night of sleep this weekend while your child is away x