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Sleep

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Original poster

For those who laid with their kids until they fell asleep past age 3/4...

34 replies

SmedsSmoos · 07/12/2023 21:02

If you have ensured they fall asleep independently since 3 months and would never consider lying with them then this isn't the thread for you

To those who have done this... my son is 4.5 and we still lie with him to fall asleep, as a baby he fell asleep independently but toddler years put an end to that and he has fallen asleep with us lying with him ever since.

On one hand I love the cuddles, and I know it won't last forever and he sleeps well once he's asleep so I haven't ever really minded. I guess I hadn't really thought maybe it's unusual we still do that but perhaps it is now. I'm not sure how to stop? He definitely wants us there, he asks for cuddles etc and I just don't know how to ease out of this without him getting really upset, I just read about gradual retreat but he has a mid sleeper with a tent over the top so he won't see me if I'm not in bed with him and he wants us to cuddle him..

If you did this past 3/4, how did you eventually stop? Did they just grow out of wanting you and tell you to go? Did you train them somehow? Was it brutal?

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

sleepD3pr1ived · 07/12/2023 21:07

I used to do this and it just changed gradually - some nights DD didn't need/want me to and ultimately she was secure enough not to need it at all. Enjoy it and don't worry. Your son will grow into a secure and confident young man because he knows he's loved and knows he's safe

SofiaAmes · 07/12/2023 21:10

My DD slept with me until she was a teenager (13 or 14). She is now a healthy, happy, independent 21 year old in her last year of University (many hundreds of miles away).

ZoChan · 07/12/2023 21:11

My second son still wants me with him, at age seven. He was a very awake baby and toddler so I had to quieten him or he'd have woken the whole family! But it does improve: slowly. I've gone from laying in the bed with him til he falls asleep, to now sitting up on the side of the bed, next to him, til he settles and I say I'll check on him in five minutes. He likes to hold my hand - which he won't forever - so I'll do it as long as he likes. He can go to sleep if I'm not there, but he prefers it if I'm there. I'm sure he won't be the same at 13!

ConflictofInterest · 07/12/2023 21:13

I used to do this and wondered how I'd ever manage to stop it. One day aged 5 my DS just abruptly asked me to leave so he could get to sleep, I was keeping him awake, and after that said he didn't need me to lie with him any more. Now I still lie with his younger sister who is 6, I put on lullaby music quietly on my phone after I've read her a story and she's asleep in about 10 mins. It's my favourite time of day and I treasure it now I know it will be for such a short span of time in our lives.

diggermama · 07/12/2023 21:13

I was you. And some nights it would take about an hour, sometimes two for DS3 to fall asleep. It had to stop!

So we set a ‘magic timer’. DS would choose how long the timer would be set for between 1-10 minutes, and I would leave promising him I would come back when the timer (there was no actual alarm or timer!) went off. So I’d pop back in a couple of minutes later to his delight, and we’d set the timer again. Basically giving him the reassurance that I was still there and he was safe.

Gradually I let the time I went back in get longer and longer and he fell asleep by himself. We needed to do this for a few weeks, and then he was fine just saying goodnight, quick cuddle and that was it! Good luck!

Leafstamp · 07/12/2023 21:23

I definitely did this past age 4 and don’t regret it one bit. My memory of timing is hazy but I think we gradually moved to sitting by bed then sitting a bit further away then sitting on landing outside room - but this was over a period of months or possibly years and not particularly part of a plan or intentional.

I still read bedtime stories until they were about 12 or 13 I think! Happy days.

Lovely234 · 07/12/2023 21:24

I still lay with mine aged 5 and 7. We read and say goodnight and I lay there on my phone now 😂. I quite enjoy the quiet time to be honest, I do the food shop/ catch up on my WhatsApps / life admin etc. I’ll be sad when they dont want me there anymore I think

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 07/12/2023 21:25

I’m post marking so I can reply tomorrow.

AceofPentacles · 07/12/2023 21:27

Around 10 DS started saying I was keeping him awake but still didn't want me to go.. I'd say he stopped it age 11. Still sleeps with the light on all night though...

PenguinsPlayDodgeball · 07/12/2023 21:27

We have a mid sleeper and tent. I moved from lying, to sitting at the other end of his bed, to sitting on the floor (but could still verbally comfort), to sitting outside the closed door, which is where we currently are. So still gradual retreat really.

Bakingwithmyboys · 07/12/2023 21:30

We gradually got my eldest to read to himself instead of having a snuggle. Once he got to reading chapter books about 7/ 8ish I think.

It would start with us reading a chapter and then he would want to carry on. We told him it was read or snuggle and most nights he's fine with this.

If exceptionally tired he will ask for a snuggle instead. He's 9.

We are now snuggling DS 2 and he's 5. But once he reads independently we shall do the same thing.

Vettrianofan · 07/12/2023 21:31

6 and 8yo still like this

OneForTheRoadThen · 07/12/2023 21:48

My eldest is 7 and I still do this every night. He doesn't go to sleep until 9pm now. Not sure when he will stop but happy to do it while he does.

Sandrine1982 · 07/12/2023 21:54

I would say: try experimenting! I always think DD needs me and I can't imagine any other way, but then on the few occasions when I was out of the house, DH says she settled quite easily and he didn't go through all the "faff".

So these days I often try and tell her ..." I need to go and have a poo (for example LOL) but I will leave the door open and come and check on you when I finish... but try to go to sleep now.."

And half the time this works...

She once even said, "mummy you can go and have a poo now.."

Also four and a half...;)

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 22:04

I used to lie with DD and sing or read my book, whatever it was, till she nodded off. Around 3 I discovered the rabbit who wants to go to sleep book which I started reading lying next to her, then sitting next to her and it’s so incredibly brilliant and effective she’s down every night in two pages.

I love bedtime and it’s basically bomb proof these days, she’s 4. When I was pregnant with DS we wanted to have a routine DH and I could do the same and my mum could copy when she was here around the delivery.

The rabbit book was recommended on a sleep group I’m on, I didn’t write it and don’t know the author I promise, it’s just absolutely brilliant. Bedtimes are still relaxed and peaceful and lovely but I know how long it’ll take!

PangramAddict · 07/12/2023 22:08

I paid my eldest! She got worse about being left as she got older and takes HOURS to fall asleep, rolling round the bed etc. Just awful.
In the end I found a cheap multi pack of toys in a set and said she could have one the next morning if she went to sleep alone. She did it. And the next night. Then I said she had to do two nights to get the next one etc. And now she's mostly ok. Just the second one to sort out now!

It's nice to hear that other people do this though. I feel like a total weirdo for not leaving them to cry at any point.

PangramAddict · 07/12/2023 22:08

She was maybe 6 or 7 at this point

HamBone · 07/12/2023 22:19

DD wasn’t ever bothered about having someone with her, but DS is a more anxious personality and has always been affectionate -even at 15 he still hugs me voluntarily! So he preferred to have either DH or I stay with him until he fell asleep until he was about 10. He wasn’t upset if we couldn’t for some reason, but he preferred it.

Now of course he never wants us in his room. 😂

Graspingnettles · 07/12/2023 22:24

I usually still lay with my 8yo. I sit on the end of his brothers bed for ten mins (all he wants) then lay with my 8yo. Sometimes 8yo falls asleep before I go to him but usually not.

However he goes to sleep if he has a sleepover and has been on overnights with school, all fine. No one lays with him if he sleeps at grandparents.

He just likes it. Sometimes I think I should try and end it, and I have tried in the past, but then I think god, I'll miss this too when it inevitably does end. And I find it hard to fall asleep alone in bed so who am I to judge. And then I carry on laying with him 😊

He does let me kiss and go if he needs help to go back to sleep at night.

Thestruggler · 07/12/2023 22:25

DD is 5.5 and I still stay in her bed until she falls asleep. She says she loves snuggling with her "lovely, squishy, mummy mountain". I don't mind at all and feel kind of sad that one day she won't need me as much.

N4ish · 07/12/2023 22:44

I never lay beside my child at bedtime once we'd moved on from co sleeping at around 2/3 but up until around 7 I would sit beside her so she was very close to me physically. Then I gradually stopped by sometimes just tidying the room while she went to sleep, sometimes doing something else at bedtime.

It was fine as it almost always took only 10 minutes max for her to fall asleep, think it would have driven me mad to sit there with her if it took hours!

TenaciousTortoise · 07/12/2023 22:47

DD still sleeps with me when she wants to, maybe down to once every week or two now that she is eight. She still likes us to hold her hand before she goes to sleep but she will also put herself to bed. I can see her growing out of it now, meaning that I’m glad we let her have the comfort as long as she wanted. We will never have the chance again.

Brody77 · 07/12/2023 22:50

I’m still doing it with my dd10, she’s dyslexic so I’ve always read to her and she’s not yet reading independently for pleasure but loves stories (or we will read together) so I read a few pages and she goes to sleep. As she’s my only child I’ll do it until she doesn’t want it anymore. Similar to pp’s no problems on sleepovers with grandparents (though my dad read to her and she dropped off in minutes) or on school residentials. It’s wonderful.

SWSO · 07/12/2023 22:55

To be honest I used to let them sleep with us as it meant we all got a good nights sleep. They grew out of it .

Northsideoftheriver · 07/12/2023 22:58

My four year old struggles with settling himself. About a year ago I started sitting at the end of the bed and told him that if he gets out of bed (usually to try lie on me) I'd be leaving the room. He soon caught on I'd stay sitting at the end of the bed if he stayed laying down. If he didn't get in bed or made a fuss I'd say i would only come sit on the end of the bed if he stayed in bed quietly. As soon as the crying stopped and he was tucked in I'd go in. At first I had to explain why i was sitting away from him. That he was a big boy now. At the moment he hates being alone in his room. He likes to be close to us. It's sweet really but the training is ongoing. He will get there.

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