How do you and partner split/deal with night wakings

[H44123]

just looking to see what most people with night wakings with a baby - sorry for long post!

we have a 5 month old boy. Up until approx 14 weeks slept 9-3 fed then 3-6. I should say from 5am onwards he has always woken often as he can’t get in a deep sleep which I think is normal and I would ideally like morning to start 7am so we stay in the room which is dark white noise as little interaction as possible. He sleeps in a next to me next to my side of the bed and we have never co slept

i think he went through a regression and some nights sleeps better than others. Last night from 11am he woke nearly every hour

now my husband is a hgv driver and often starts 3am so he is up at 2am. Occasionally works a Saturday and occasionally stops out in the lorry overnight maybe once every 2 weeks.

at home even on weekend when he isn’t working I get up in the night every time. Baby isn’t breastfed. He thinks he is doing me a favour on a weekend sometimes taking baby downstairs at 6.30am and I sleep for 2 hours max which I feel guilty about

baby doesn’t nap well during day so I have never napped during the day. This morning I suggested as he has a week off soon that we take it in turns and one stops in the spare room to get an unbroken sleep. I haven’t had an unbroken sleep in 5 months apart from twice baby stopped out. I should also add he is against sleep training which I have insisted is happening at 6 months. He also thinks baby should sleep with us til at least 1 not in his own room at 6 months which again will not happen he will have outgrown the cot anyway

im really pissed off as when I suggested the sleep he said I get more sleep than him he likes to compete. He also said it’s normal for mums to do it and not normal to take turns sleeping in a spare room. He thinks he will be too tired from work to not hear baby but I said not the first night of him being off. He also said I have unreasonable expectations baby should be sleeping more, I don’t I know baby’s don’t sleep all night all the time!!

I realise I have described him being a dick and he can be but during the day with baby he is great and so helpful. I don’t know why I feel guilty if I go out without baby for a bit too! Anyway I’m fuming and ranting.

I’ll probably get vetoed for this but actually I do all of the night wakes (baby is BF to be fair anyway).

Im fine with it.

Im on mat leave with DH working very long hours in a pressurised job (often 7am until midnight - he takes 2/3 hours off to support me with dinner, bath they sort of thing - which works for us). I go to bed quite early.

we each have one lie in on the weekend.

if I am exhausted at night I will ask DH to help - it’s rare. But he always steps up as he knows I’ll only ask if I need it.

my advice is fine to ask what others do but the best thing is work out something that works for you both as this will differ family to family. Hope this helps.

I think it sounds like the problem with your current situation is that you feel like you don’t have any support at night if you need it? And inevitably you will at some point! I think you need to make this clear to DH - whatever you work out - that there will be times where his help is compulsory.

Maybe I’m more relaxed about all my night wakes because I know DH is supportive and on hand immediately should I want him.

Although DH should be consulted and ideally it should be a joint agreement, you could be slightly more decisive / pushy about the sleep training / where baby sleeps (depending on what works for you!!) given you are the one with most of the night experience not him.

He's right about sleep training, 6 months is really young they still need food in the night as they still go through growth spurts.
I'll get lynched for this but I did all the nights with my two, it was only the odd one night I didn't and that's when my mum would take them very rarely!
He does need his sleep if he's driving, it's so dangerous not to. That said there's nothing wrong with him taking a week off and him helping then.

Ah I’m not the only one! :) but, like you, I also feel like I’ll get told off for it on here!! 🤣 it really just doesn’t bother me and I’m 8 months in of never having more than 2.5 hours sleep 🤣

I did all night waking. If I was tired then I would go to bed early at 8pm and my husband would do the 11pm feed so at least I got a good block of sleep until 2/3am.

Oh gosh maybe it’s me being unrealistic 🤣🤣 i need to calm myself down

i totally agree about him needing sleep for his job especially as he works long hours too. I should add I have never asked for help when he’s working as I know he needs sleep. I just thought one this occasion as he will be on annual leave. This is the first time I have suggested doing this for me to get a decent sleep. Even when he is off he doesn’t wake in the night to help but I don’t see the point when both would be tired then

I don’t necessarily want to sleep train and I won’t with any cry out methods but I don’t think I have helped myself either. Days are always contact naps and he has to be held and rocked to sleep

I do all of the night wakes. DD is almost 2 and doesn't really wake now but DH sorts her out as I'm dealing with our 6 month old DS.
Up until DS was born, I did all night wakes with DD unless I really needed DH help.

I'm with your DH on sleep training, it's not necessary at all and baby will sleep through the night in their own time.
You can try and move them at 6 months into their own room, I believe the US now advised 12 months but U.K. is still 6 months. DD would never go in her own room, she woke way more in there than when she stayed in ours.

I didn't have an easy time with DD, she woke a lot for the first year and then started sleeping through at 12 months. DS seems slightly better but still wakes in the night as expected.

It's fine to need a break and maybe your DH can help out in the night more while he's off work. It's hard as when he works he's getting up early so missing a large chunk of the night when you might need him

I think it’s massively unfair that he thinks it’s all mum’s job yet wants to dictate that baby should be in with you until 1, that you just need to adjust your expectations and you shouldn’t sleep train. If he’s not willing to help when he doesn’t have work the next day then I don’t think he gets any sort of opinion. Because that’s exactly what I’d be doing- sleep training and own room. We had a rota in the newborn days though. DH was on shift until 11, I did the core night and he would do anything from 5am onwards.

I do all night feeds... he is grumpy as hell when he is tired and wakes up. It's not worth the drama 😂 and I don't want my ickle bubba being moaned at just for being hungry haha so I just suck it up and look forward to the day I get to sleep 😅 luckily her nan takes her out for me to have a nap sometimes.

I think I’m being a bit pathetic and need to just get on with feeling so tired. I didn’t realise most mums do all the night wakings. We all go to bed early anyway around 8pm and sometimes if he sleep ok I might get to around 12pm then the hourly wakes start

I also agree that at the moment no
point at 6 months going into his own room as I would be in there than in my own bed more at this rate

As a fellow road user id prefer your DH to be well rested, sorry!!

I do all the night wakes too (and I'm back at work now). It's tough though so I do feel your pain. It's just panned out that way really. I am on a hair trigger and my DH is dead to the world.

Also agree 6 months too young for sleep training

OP - I still stand by what I said in my first post that you need to find what works for you and DH. Every mum’s needs are different! :)

For example I know plenty of mum’s that did night “shifts” with DH for example and are horrified that I do everything.

I was just sharing what I do as I am fine with it and that was your question.

I genuinely do think the underlying key is finding something that works and that you feel supported by DH and that you are a team, which it sounds like maybe you’re not quite there yet from your post (apologies if I am jumping the gun). Competing about who has the most sleep isn’t helpful when you are both probably tired.

I hope I’m helping in some way and not hindering!! Xx

No your not pathetic! There have been times I have thrown up and the rooms started spinning from being sleep deprived.. it is hardcore.. and my little angel is not a sleeper 😭😭 I'm jealous of the mums whose babies do 4-5hour stints haha I'm lucky for 3 hours. By 3 am she wakes up every hour haha just wants a cuddle. But maybe it's us mums have the maternal thing kick in, whereas men don't so just get grumpy and can't cope with it?

Thanks all

please note I agree he should sleep when working as a lorry driver. He doesn’t wake up and I have never asked him too. Even on weekends when he is off. It was just because he will be on annual leave for a week otherwise I know he needs his sleep for safety

I did all of the weeknights and on a Friday and Saturday DH would pitch in, but he would always take the baby down when it got up at 5am on weekends so I could sleep.

It worked for us.

@bumblebee2235 thank you

yeah I think mums hear everything. Even when he moves it wakes me and my husband said he is worried he won’t hear him if he wakes

To be honest and practical in this specific case, I think a HGV driver's need for sleep probably takes priority. Sorry.

Just to add that contact naps and being rocked to sleep are completely normal and nothing you have caused. Babies just like to be close and are used to being rocked to sleep in our tummies

I'm one of the ones that would be horrified to be expected to do all of the night wakings. I breastfed til one but we shared them. Even if my son needed a feed, my partner could put him in the bed next to me, let him feed, then take him back and wind him etc and I could get straight back to sleep. My little one had reflux so needed to be upright for 30 mins after every feed.

Most of my antenatal group were the same with sharing them, as were my friends. I think it's trickier with your husband being a hgv driver and needing to be rested, but on the weekends and his week off, he should definitely be doing his share or even picking up a bit more.

I think this can be a man thing. They need things spelled out sometimes and think they’ve done you a huge favour by allowing you a full 2 hours sleep 🙈 Our son was really good from day 1 pretty much but my husband took 2 weeks off work then when he went back I said I would do the night feeds so he wasn’t knackered at work the next day. The arrangement was supposed to be that he would wait up late (after 11, maybe closer to 12 if possible) to do the last feed of the night then it would generally mean he was only up once around 3 and might sleep in til about 7, which meant I was just up once and it was doable.

In the end up though he’d get in bed every night when I was going, not set an alarm for the last feed or try to keep himself up. So 11:30 would come and go and he’d sleep right through it. I started off waking him up but it meant I had to stay away to check he was up to be able to do it. He’d then shout me through from the other room for every single step of the process (we fed/changed him in his nursery from 2 weeks so we could have a small light on and not wake the other person). It got to the stage that I could either go to bed, he wouldn’t do it and I’d then have to deal with being up twice or I could just stay up myself and do it. So 9 times out of 10 I would just do everything 🤦🏼‍♀️ He would do a Saturday night and was meant to do the Friday night too but that wouldn’t always happen. I love listening to him now telling people how he didn’t find the night feeds that bad! 😂 (because you were asleep at the time)!!

We’re about to do it all again and I’m hoping we actually stick to that arrangement this time. I will be warning him before baby arrives! I think the more you can get into a bit of a schedule/routine from early on the less you actually have to do any kind of sleep training. I was really strict with wake windows during the day (followed the ones from the Gina Ford book) and he slept all night (from 8pm) from 10 weeks onwards - hence why I didn’t grudge the night feeds more!

We did shifts, DH would do 8-1am and I would do the rest (going to bed at 8pm so I'd have a few hours sleep )

We sleep trained at 7months. Best thing we did tbh! He's 5 now and has always come into us or Called for us when he needs something x

DP takes DS2 until 12.30/1 so I get an uninterrupted chunk of 3-4 hours, then I do everything after that. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and it feels like I get 45 minutes of DS2 sleeping in the cot for an hour's effort...

I agree with the job that normally the effort will have to fall to you. But I don't see why in the week of annual leave that you can't have a few nights of uninterrupted sleep. Babies are pretty good at making themselves heard!

Same here.

I do all of the night wakings as DH is in an intense job with 7am starts, if he is sleep deprived he will make mistakes that could have serious consequences so it’s not worth the risk / him losing his job.

On Sundays I have a lie in.

I did the night wakes on the nights dh had work the next day. On his two days off, he did the night wakes one night then had a lie in and the other night I did the night wakes and had a lie in.

On holidays - take turns a night each.

Honestly I did all the night wakes (well 99.9%) and I think that was fair. I was on maternity and now I’m a (sort of!) SAHM while my husband is an agri contractor and works all hours. It’s much more important that he is well rested than me.. if I get tired, I get grumpy, if he gets tired, he could make a mistake that could kill him, or others.
your baby is still so very tiny, it may feel relentless and endless but this is just a phase and it’ll change again soon.
Agree with the others that sleep training at 6 months sounds very harsh.