How do you and partner split/deal with night wakings

[H44123]

just looking to see what most people with night wakings with a baby - sorry for long post!

we have a 5 month old boy. Up until approx 14 weeks slept 9-3 fed then 3-6. I should say from 5am onwards he has always woken often as he can’t get in a deep sleep which I think is normal and I would ideally like morning to start 7am so we stay in the room which is dark white noise as little interaction as possible. He sleeps in a next to me next to my side of the bed and we have never co slept

i think he went through a regression and some nights sleeps better than others. Last night from 11am he woke nearly every hour

now my husband is a hgv driver and often starts 3am so he is up at 2am. Occasionally works a Saturday and occasionally stops out in the lorry overnight maybe once every 2 weeks.

at home even on weekend when he isn’t working I get up in the night every time. Baby isn’t breastfed. He thinks he is doing me a favour on a weekend sometimes taking baby downstairs at 6.30am and I sleep for 2 hours max which I feel guilty about

baby doesn’t nap well during day so I have never napped during the day. This morning I suggested as he has a week off soon that we take it in turns and one stops in the spare room to get an unbroken sleep. I haven’t had an unbroken sleep in 5 months apart from twice baby stopped out. I should also add he is against sleep training which I have insisted is happening at 6 months. He also thinks baby should sleep with us til at least 1 not in his own room at 6 months which again will not happen he will have outgrown the cot anyway

im really pissed off as when I suggested the sleep he said I get more sleep than him he likes to compete. He also said it’s normal for mums to do it and not normal to take turns sleeping in a spare room. He thinks he will be too tired from work to not hear baby but I said not the first night of him being off. He also said I have unreasonable expectations baby should be sleeping more, I don’t I know baby’s don’t sleep all night all the time!!

I realise I have described him being a dick and he can be but during the day with baby he is great and so helpful. I don’t know why I feel guilty if I go out without baby for a bit too! Anyway I’m fuming and ranting.

With a bottle fed baby, there's NO WAY I'd have done all the feeds at night. Absolutely no way. I made my views on this clear before we even decided to have children. I wouldn't even be in a relationship with a man who thought that was an acceptable way to treat me.

Our first (formula fed) baby, we took half the night each (upto 3am, and after 3am), and we'd vary who did which slot. When baby started only having 1 or 2 feeds at night, we alternated the nights, and whichever of us had the ful night would get up with the baby. There were periods during that first year where he was working and I wasn't, and I was working and he wasn't, and where both of us were working. We still stuck to alternating.

With our second, wet planned to do the same, but the baby insisted on being breastfed (long story) so it didn't work. I did all the feeds, but he dealt with the still waking toddler, got up with both in the morning and did whatever he could to redress the balance.

Both of my children still wake at night, and we still deal with one each.

Frankly, I think a lot of mums put up with doing it all because it's easier than facing up to their partners being lazy, or having that conversation with him. Having a penis doesn't get him out of being a parent at night! His early starts for his driving job means he may need to be careful about which 'baby shifts' he picks, but it doesn't mean he does nothing!

Also bear in mind, must babies will still be waking when you go back to work, and if you've been doing so the night readings, it's very hard to then share them (and most mums that I know who started off doing it all continued to do so).

Also, why is it you never hear of the mums that need to rest for a super important job? Its always the men and their jobs. Again, most of the time it's excuses women tell themselves IMO. I know a male surgeon who manages to still do his share at night!

He should absolutely be splitting the nights with you when he doesn't have to work the next day. Appalling that he thinks it's ok to leave it all to you

This.

I can't believe how many mums are saying they do all night wakings. Yes this is OK for husbands/partners with high risk jobs on days they're working - but on days off or weekends off it should be split.

I'm really saddened to see so many women having to do it all when parenting is f'ing hard and the men are parents too. Fair enough if it's the woman's choice but I hope it is a real, genuine choice (I.e. not because they're afraid to ask for help / their men are too useless / they're afraid to deal with the grumpiness the next day)

DH is working full time whilst I'm on mat leave and does til 1/2am. At weekends he does til 2 or 3. I do all waking after that and the morning routine.

And he shouldn't get a say on sleep related parenting decisions OP because when it comes to sleep he isn't being a parent.

I did the first 2 years.

DH does the rest.

My husband and I combi fed and split the nights since our daughter was a newborn. I was on mat leave, but why wouldn't he still help out? She was a terrible sleeper and he would never want to abandon me to struggle. It makes me feel depressed that in so many relationships it's assumed the woman will just do the shit bits, and spend the first year or two utterly wrecked from sleep deprivation. Why would any man want that for their partner?

With DTs DH and I had a baby each, and did the night wakings for ‘our’ baby. With 10 month old DS, I’ve done all of the night wakings. I can literally count on one hand the number of times DH has helped in the nignt.

I bottle fed first and breastfeed the second - weekdays while I was on maternity leave husband would do anything before 11pm (nappies etc) and I would do the ‘night shift’ till around 6am where he would take over. Obviously BF I would feed but he did the rest. Weekend/holiday nights we each took turns for a lie in .

Once back to work we both took turns! I would wake him and roll back over to sleep if it was his turn and he hadn’t woken up to the crying!

He needs to share it when he's not working. And out your foot down about it being your job but he's making the decisions? He can't have it both ways.

I did do all of the night wakings (although DS slept through from very young - on his own no sleep training) but DH was lazy and took ages to wake so I was already wide awake by the time he's got up.

But we should have shared it. The resentment about H being lazy set in and it's never gone away (he was lazy in all other ways too).

I have three children (5yrs, 3yrs and 1yr), I have always done the night wakings. If my 3yr old and 1yr old are up at same time (3yr old has sleep apnea so is up a lot in the night still) i will wake my husband and he settles the youngest.

My husband works extremely long shifts with very early starts and a long commute. I'm a sahm and always suffered with insomnia so being the one to get up every night isn't a problem really.

I still do all the nights even when my husband is off work but he does all the early mornings with the children on those days and allows me to have a lie in.

I know that if I need him in the night he will always help out, I just need to wake him first as he never hears them

I did all nighttime activity for a number of reasons. The main ones being:

I was on maternity leave.
I wake up more quickly and am immediately alert, takes DH a while.
I can settle the children more quickly.
If the kids are awake then I'm awake, seemed pointless me lying awake listening to DH do something I could be doing.
I do better on less sleep than DH.
DH had a long commute to work and I didn't want him driving knackered, I WFH part time.

I should clarify that DH was and is a very hands on parent and will happily entertain them while I go for an afternoon nap. On the rare occasion they really went for it in the middle of the night, DH was happy to go in before I committed a crime!!

I do think that on your DH's week off you get some naps / lie ins though.

I think in normal circumstances it should be shared, that doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 but some sharing of night duties. However, given his job it is essential that he sleeps but this is something that can be worked around as he isn't working 7 days a week and when he is off then he is on duty.

As he normally gets up at 2am, 5am is a bloody lie in and he should be dealing with his child to allow you to get a lie in and stop feeling guilty about it. He isn't lying there feeling guilty about his full night's sleep is he? As he occasionally works a Saturday I would state (not ask) that every Sunday you get a lie in and he deals with his child from X time.

Dh and I did shifts but he didn't have a job as a HGV driver. As Dh can fall asleep standing up, I did 10pm-2am and he did 2am-6am so both of us had a 4 hour sleep minimum. I was also a sahm and he had a lie in every Saturday morning and I had one every Sunday morning. It was a good opportunity to have one to one and then one to two time with his sons.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is against he Geneva Convention. This isn't a competition, yes you are both tired. I bet you were tired before you got pregnant too, this just makes it worse. Your body is recovering from growing a human inside. I would wonder at the mindset of a man who has a week off work and isn't willing to put their child first above their sleep. Also a man knowingly acknowledging that their partner/wife is struggling, run into the ground and happy to sit by and watch that happen. Resentment is a killer of a relationship. He is a Dad, it is called parenting.

First DC I did all the night wakings even when DP took over paternity leave at nine months. I was so sleep deprived it took me a while to catch up and think, hang on, how come when I’m on leave I do the wakings, when he’s on leave I do the wakings. So then we did shifts, as she was breastfed at night still.

Second DC I do it all at the moment, feeding back to sleep, as that gets everyone the most sleep, and DP does all of older DC’s wakings from nightmares, early rises, etc. I’m completely broken this time around though and we’ll be sleep training next month, zero guilt. I can’t parent two kids effectively on bursts of 45-minute sleep. DP will help with the training and we’ll sleep in shifts.

Babies are pure survival mode for the first year and you need to do whatever it takes, and whatever works for your family. I’d not be impressed at someone on annual leave refusing to take their share of wake-ups, particularly when boobs aren’t even in the equation.

As a job driving he should sleep as much as possible the nights before working.
But a week on annual leave no excuse not to do his share at night time and days he doesn't have to work the next day

I've done every single night waking since day dot, HOWEVER my DD is breastfed and it was always the easiest way to get her back to sleep and get maximum sleep. She's now 28 months. The truth is I do resent it but can't get around the fact it's always been the easiest thing to do and what my daughter wanted.

Your partner sounds like his head needs a wobble because he should be helping. That's me putting it mildly, I would loose my rag were I in your shoes.