6 month old sleep - desperate

[WeWereInParis]

DD2 is 6 months and I feel like I am about to have a breakdown. She wakes every hour, if we're lucky, and generally has to be fed back to sleep. I also find it really hard to get back to sleep so after each wake up I'm awake for at least half an hour but often don't get back to sleep before she's up again.

I feel sick with tiredness, I'm delirious. I spend my days crying, snapping at my 3 year old, and thinking about suicide. I'm under the perinatal mental health team but all that seems to mean is that I've been offered a single psychiatrist appointment in Feb and put on the waiting list for a single psychologist appointment god knows when.

I do not know what to do. I cannot function like this. DH does everything he can, but I wake when DD cries anyway so even if he soothes her back to sleep without feeding, I've woken and can't then get back to sleep anyway.

We have tried everything, and nothing makes any difference. If one more person says to me "it will get better" I may actually explode. I know it will get better, of course it will! But I genuinely worry I will not make it to that point without hurling myself off a bridge first. I know there's no magic baby sleep trick but I just don't understand how I can possibly go on like this. I'm at a complete crisis but because it's caused by baby sleep, everyone just sort of tilts their head, says "oh that must be hard" and moves on.

Please help. I will try literally anything.

Time for Ferber. Controlled crying is one of those things that people who aren’t truly desperate will say they could never do, but once you’ve been to the pits of sleep despair it’s worth a go and really works.

Google it for more info but basically you’ll feed your baby, put them in sleeping bag, story, lights out, put your baby to bed then leave the room. Return on every increasing intervals to comfort without taking them out the cot until they’re asleep. Repeat during night wakings.

First night will likely be horrible with a lot of crying but stick with it. We did it with our baby- first night about 45 mins crying, second night 20, third night 3-4 minutes of grumbles, fourth night she was asleep within minutes.

@GoodnightGentleBoris excellent advice. I sleep trained both of mine in that way once I’d got to the point of desperation, there is far too much judgement and scaremongering around sensible sleep training.

There is a solution and it's called sleep training. No matter what people may think about sleep training, surely it's preferable to suicide.

I could've written your post about 5 years ago. It is a living hell. I genuinely thought I'd rather be dead.

No decent advice here- I tried it all- just huge solidarity.

You'll probably want to punch me in the face for saying this (I would have) but they do sleep eventually. Mine took 18 months but I so hope you are luckier.

Hang in there. I couldn't take controlled crying but it seems to work like a bloody miracle for other people. Worth a shot?

Massive hugs

It doesn’t matter the cause, if you are in mental health crisis you need to call someone. If you have a number for the peri natal team or GP urgent appointment. Co sleeping works for us (well mainly).

The reason we've not done controlled crying is that I wasn't sure how to work it around the night feeds? She feeds so often and I know she doesn't need all of them, but she does seem to need some so how do you know when to feed and when to just go in at the time intervals and soothe? Do you just pick set feed times? And then what if she's already been crying and we've been going in and soothing and then it gets to feed time - does picking her up and feeding her then undo the controlled crying bits just before?

We did a mixture of controlled crying sleeping on the floor next to the cot, back turned so she could see us but not have us. But a good, solid routine. Bath and story at the same time everyday so she knew what to expect. Honestly though, book a night in a hotel, let your husband take over for one night and you just sleep. It may able you to think a little clearer and plan how you want to sort it.

I'm up right now, think my LO has woken me up for the 4th time this night. Its not nice. Like others have said what about sleep training? I know if I was pushed to the edge edge then I'd potentially consider talking to someone about sleep training.

Does baby use pacifier? I know sone people are against it but mine uses it for comfort and helps get him back to sleep whilst he cuddles his muslin (I take this away after).

Splash out on a Night Nurse?
www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/care/hiring-a-night-nurse/

It sounds like you a breast feeding? If there is that many feeds??

I did sleep training whilst still breastfeeding and having frequent night feeds. But bizarrely he only woke up twice after initially falling asleep (around midnight then 3/4ish) so I fed him on the second and he eventually only started waking 3/4ish for his feed.

Don't go too early on the bed time, maybe around 8. Have a solid routine and follow the Ferber strictly. It's so hard but you should see improvement between night 3-5.

You've got this mamma xx

Oh and make the last feed just before bed but try to put them asleep drowsy not asleep! So they can settle themselves.

My sister in law who was BF did the same bht expressed the last feed and upped the oz so she knew her baby was getting a big feed before bed. I couldn't do that as he refuses the bottle but liked the idea of it xx

Please contact Calm and Bright Sleep Consultants. They will help to support and guide you through sensible sleep training I.e. when to feed etc. They have pediatric nurses to help. The fee is reasonable and it will be the best money you have ever spent.

www.calmandbright.co.uk/baby-and-child-sleep-training-plans/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAgribBhDkARIsAASA5btA5OPbyKI7ghI6QuPJsRWJxnKveWskGwR71Ko_Rhb_hcb2Tdde2asaAviiEALw_wcB

Yes, I'm breastfeeding and she won't take a bottle. Although I could probably try harder to get her to.

We have a pretty good routine before bed as she just sort of slots in with the routine her sister (3.5) has had for a while. We do bath, pyjamas/bag, book in bed with both girls, then I feed DD2, and DH maybe does another book with DD1 before she goes to sleep by herself - thankfully DD1 is a good sleeper. Bedtime is around 7pm and I don't think I can push that back as that's when she'll start falling asleep while feeding. She doesn't get put down asleep though, but that's not really deliberate on our part, she's just never stayed asleep during the transfer from arms/breast to cot.

I agree with PP. We did sleep training and night weaning with DS at 6 months for exactly the reasons you describe. I’ll PM you the method we used.

I would encourage you to move the feed to the beginning of the bedtime routine. It should not be the thing DD associates with sleep.

Try Taking Cara Babies on Instagram (or any sleep training programme) .
She teaches you how to quickly wean the night feeds and then sleep train and stick to it. Both mine were sleeping through within three days. They are happy and healthy. Now if they call out in the night, I go to them and respond but they go to sleep well by them selves after a simple bedtime routine.
You can do this, it will be hard at first but so incredibly worth it. You will feel like a new person once you've had some decent sleep !

Ok so re breastfeeding: the reason why she is waking so often and feeding is that her association is breastfeeding = sleep. You need to break that, she isn’t feeding every time out of hunger.

What I’d advise is picking 2 slots throughout the night - say 10pm and 2am and doing both of those as dreamfeeds (pick her up, slightly rouse, give her a feed). That way you know that she isn’t hungry when she’s waking up and crying.

You can do this for about a week and time the feeds, then start dropping the number of minutes that you feed for. Keep the 10pm dreamfeed and drop the 2am one to start.

If she wakes up at any point in the night; you ferber again. If she wakes up at 9.15pm do not feed, treat as a night waking then do the dreamfeed as usual at 10pm.

It’s important not to confuse her because if she wakes up and cries and sometimes is left to cry but other times is fed that will confuse her. So make sure whenever you feed her is a dream feed and not because she has woken up to cry.

Longer term this method is great because it means that you can be certain that when she wakes there is actually something wrong, it’s not just that she can’t get herself back to sleep.

The method I’ve just outlined is from TCB and another vote that it really works 😊

I’m so sorry you feel like this, I’m currently feeding for what feels like the millionth time tonight so you are not alone, (with a 6 month old) and every time he wakes up I want to cry with tiredness.

we did sleep training with our DD1 just before 6 months and I need to do this with DS before I loose it. It took three nights but it was life changing after that. We got the advice of a friends nanny who was in her early seventies, which included, pre bedtime routine as others have said, doing a second feed before bed, leaving between 30-60 mins between each feed, ideally with a bottle so you know how much they have had. This is so when they wake you can be confident it’s not because they are hungry. Then either or both a dummy and little comforter, we had one of those with a small animal teddy attached and my daughter really latched onto this.

the first night was horrible as DD cried for 3 hrs on and off, but by the 3rd night it was less than 20 mins and 4th night onwards no crying. I know some people hate the idea of sleep training and I’m not looking forward to doing it again but it was life changing.

Good luck and please push for more help until you are getting more sleep. There is a reason sleep deprivation is a torture method!

Co sleep!!
Do not do any Kind of sleep training
She's tiny and she needs you, it's not rocket science, it's simple.
Let baby lead and see if life gets easier

Ahh I'm so sorry, I have been there (but not with the additional 3 year old) and it's a genuine form of torture. I hope you're ok.

We did a form of sleep training called "sleep nudging". It's not a cry free solution but it doesn't make them cry it out. The fundamental thing is to break the link between feeding and sleeping. So don't feed to sleep before bed.

At about 8 months, we night weaned, and my husband was integral in settling the baby during this time when he woke. Try to make it as far through the night without feeding as you can, and then just feed as much as the baby wants beyond that point. It will get later and later. We used an online sleep course. Feel free to DM me for the details.

You're doing a great job, and it will get better, but please do consider some form of sleep training. It's essential! Good luck 💐

Just such nonsense. The baby needs her mum and she won’t have her if she’s suicidal from lack of sleep.

Do you have any other support whilst you're waiting for the mental health team? Health visitor / GP? I think you need to call someone to explain how you're feeling with your mental health at the moment (you might already be in touch with GP etc I'm not sure?)

Really sorry you're going through this it's horrible (speaking as someone who had post natal depression)

We safely co slept but I know that's not for everyone, once I did my research on it I felt confident with it and it definitely was a game changer for me

I filled mine with porridge at bedtime which seemed to help, albeit twenty years ago.

Absolutely agree with sleep training - DS slept like this from 6-8 months and it was just hideous; within 3 nights of sleep training he was going to sleep beautifully on his own and even though we didn't sleep train overnight (as like you, I wasn't sure how to tell when he was waking from habit vs genuinely hungry), his night wakes both massively reduced, and he settled much more quickly.