Hand hold please. This is awful.

[gigglykipper]

Trying a new tactic tonight of DH getting our baby to sleep. Actually I got him to sleep, which lasted around 20 minutes and then he woke up so technically DH is settling him back to sleep 🤦🏼‍♀️
He's VERY attached to me and I can hear him losing his marbles upstairs screaming "MUMMY MUMMY WHERE ARE YOU!". He sounds so hysterical and keeps doing angry shouts.
I just need a break. He's 18 months and needs to get used to his Dad putting him to bed surely?! I feel so bad and like I’m neglecting him. Currently sat downstairs crying into a glass of wine.

If he's that upset I'd just go and do bedtime - this phase won't last forever. He could be getting distressed.

@GoutFine that makes me feel even worse. Am I that awful for wanting an hour to myself?!

Mummy, where are you? Object permanence tend to develop 18-124 months – when an object is out of sight, the person realises that it still exists. Infants do not exhibit this skill early on in life. It might help to play some object permeance games during the day.

^18-24 months

@gigglykipper you aren't awful for wanting a little break. Presumably (hopefully) dad is around a lot and does his fair share? If so, DC needs to get used to them doing bedtime as well? What if you want to go out?

18months is old enough for you to not have to do all the bedtimes and night settlings on your own

Don’t feel guilty OP. He’s with his loving father for goodness sake of course he can put him to bed! You need to be able to have a break. It’s an exhausting stage I remember it well. They don’t remember it now but I do. Drink up and don’t feel bad.

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-object-permanence-2795405

I'd go out the house for a walk/drive because you can't hear this then.

My first was like this when I eventually got husband on board with bedtimes. It's so exhausting I'm with you on that

@creideamhdóchasgrá thank you, we do play object permanence games and have done for quite some time. We have a few object permanence toys too. I thought he was starting to get it because he says bye, looks for toys, if we ask him "where's grandpa" for example, he will say "at home" or "at work". It's just me he's like this with.

I'd at least go in every 5 minutes to say 'I'm still here but daddy is putting you to bed'. I would not be able to tolerate my baby screaming for me like that, mine all co slept until they were 3 but I appreciate I am probably a minority ! It just pulls my heart strings too much

Of course not! I’d suggest going out of the house for a bit. Your DC is with a loving, capable parent.

My youngest DS is 17 months old. I started travelling for work again when he was one, for 1-3 nights. He fussed the first night, then adjusted. My DH and I now have different bedtime routines for him, and he loves them (and us!!!) both.

Don’t feel guilty about this at all. TBH other than single parents, I don’t know any mums who don’t semi-regularly get out in the evenings once their babies are 4-6 months old. You’re due some grown up time!

He will be fine. He’s not been abandoned. He’s with a parent. DH can say to him, Mummy is here but she’s busy right now. It’s ok for them to learn you have needs or a life. If you left him to cry and walked away that would be different. He’s with his other parent. It’s just new and a change. And he’s rebelling against that.

Have you done every bedtime for 18 months?! Bloody hell, you deserve a break! I was out in the evening from when mine were 6 weeks and and back working at 5-6 months so hardly ever doing bedtime

I too would leave the house.

As long as you know your DH won't leave him to be distressed, he'll be fine. He's with a loving parent who is right there with him. As parents we aren't meant to take away their negative feelings, but be there to help them express it and support them through it. It's ok for your DS to be upset you're not there, that's natural. You don't need to fix it. He isn't being left alone or abandoned with his upset feelings- his dad is right there to comfort him and reassure him.

@gigglykipper it's a really hard phase and feels endless. But it does pass.

@Mydoggosarethebest I'm sure you were coming from a good place, but why on earth did you think that was a helpful comment?

You personally couldn't stand it but maybe @gigglykipper wants her life back, the ability to go out for the night or to exercise or just sit and not do bedtime sometimes. We all have different tolerance levels.the OP isn't being cruel, neglectful or putting her child in danger, he's with his dad FGS.

@NCtoadviseagain I can't express how hands on he is! He is desperate to get involved with bedtime. He used to love it when our son was a lot younger and actually let Dad anywhere near him after the sun goes down and it breaks his heart that he gets so distressed with him. He takes it a bit personally to be honest and thinks it's something he's done wrong which it obviously isn't. He wants me to be able to have an evening out but at the moment, it's just not feasible.

My eldest was like this! It's awful but once we persisted it made life so much easier x

After doing every single bedtime for his whole life and then suddenly stopping all at once to let the dad do it, I suggested she pop in every 5 minutes so he understands mummy has not left him, is still in the house and everything is ok. Instead of just leaving him to wonder why all of a sudden she has disappeared and dad is taking over instead. Children can find sudden changes in routine stressful. I did not say she is being cruel or neglectful, I just think it may be easier and less stressful for all involved to do it in baby steps instead of all at once

Sorry if I upset you OP that was not my intention at all. X

@Mydoggosarethebest yeah it pulls at my heartstrings too...hence the post. Going in every 5 mins, could that not distress him even more? As if saying...I’m here but you can't have me. I could try it though I guess. We co-sleep too.

Go to the street door and shut it loudly, he will think you have gone out.
We all cried as children and we are fine, he is only crying to get his own way.
He will be okay and each night the crying will get less. X

My dd used to be like this. She was much much better if she saw me go out - if she knew I was downstairs she knew that she had options whereas if she was alone with her dad then she knew she only had him iyswim?

So maybe get him to wave you off so he knows you aren't there? Sometimes I'd just hide in the car for 10 mins til she was distracted in the bath and I could sneak back in!

So do you usually go to bed at the same time as him, or what? And does Dad Co sleep too?

i remember those days, so tough! Resist the temptation to go and ‘rescue’ him from daddy, they need space to get used to doing this bit of the day together. Very hard going when you change a routine, but you have to start somewhere!

You might have tried this but if dc is totally used to you at bedtime it’s an idea to do bedtime together with your husband for a few days so he gets used to the idea before your husband launches in.

Then if he does get upset you can say mummy will pop in at the end and say goodnight.

Persist with it though. It’s like anything really with kids if you are consistent and able to deal with two or three days of difficult nights you’ll end up with a child who is capable of getting put to bed by your oh and who can sleep in bed and stay put in their room all night, 9 times out of ten.

If he's that articulate I would answer him back sensibly.

"Mummy is here but mummy is tired. I am going to bed now so daddy will be with you. Good night."