Help. 10 year old won't sleep alone

[Weekesy123]

Hi
I have a ten year old who has not slept properly for the last 18 months. She suffers anxiety and will not be left alone to go upstairs, sit downstairs or go to sleep alone. She often wakes in the middle of the night and we are always getting broken sleep.

I wanted to know if there were some good news stories out there that could be shared.

We have tried everything from yoga to melatonin to homeopathy to reward charts etc.

From a stressed and tried mummy x

Can I ask how old she is?
I said to my daughter the other day. Tell me anything in the world that would help you sleep other than being with me and dad and she said a dog! Which I'm petrified of!! And would hate to commit to a dog and then be uncomfortable around it or it not work. I've considered borrowing a dog to see how that goes. Not sure our cat would be too happy either.

DD used to be similar until I bought her one of those giant pregnancy pillows off Amazon. She caccoons herself up in it and sleeps perfectly all night.

Thanks. I'd like to try that but she won't be in her room on her own at all. And I'd like not to have to go to bed myself at 8:30pm.

We are in the exact same position, it's been almost a year now that our daughter suddenly stopped being able to fall asleep by herself. Either we lay with her or sit just outside her room til she finally drops off. Every single night without fail she will wake up and come and fall asleep on our bedroom floor. She brings her covers in and makes a bed but she doesn't make a sound so I rarely wake up.
I'm at a loss with what to do, my husband is losing patience with it all as we have no evening at all, one of us is always with her. Sorry OP no advice but wanted you to know you're not alone!

Thanks. Did this happen for your child?

Thanks for the response. Super helpful x

We had exactly the same with DD at that age; we gave up as we were all so tired. DD and DH swapped beds and she came in with me. It’s not a perfect solution, but we had tried everything else and needed the sleep. .

How are things now for you?

We have had similar, on and off, with DS2 (also 10). When the broken nights start, we just put a blow up bed on the floor of our bedroom. He comes through and gets in, I reach down and hold his hand, and we all go back to sleep.

We found making a big 'thing' of it increased anxiety and made his sleeping worse. Just adapting to it (no guilt/drama/bribes) and him knowing the airbed is there if he needs it, has been the best thing we did.

Can’t she just sleep in your room? Make her up a little bed? I agree sleep deprivation is awful all round, but it sounds like she needs your support now, and that you’ll all sleep better if she can be close to you. She’s struggling with anxiety and night time panic, she’s seeing a psychiatrist, she’s not doing it to annoy you. It’s all well and good trying to employ strategies but what she needs is her parents. We have such weird ideas about sleep in this culture, adults are allowed the comfort of cuddling up to their partner at night but children must be alone, segregated in their own room. I’m pretty sure your child needs the comfort of proximity more than either you or her dad need it.

Your not alone, my nearly 9 year old won't sleep alone, won't go upstairs or downstairs unless someone is with her, constantly asks about safety (if all the plugs are turned off, the fire alarms work etc). No help, sorry. Just going along with it tbh as I don't want to force her to sleep alone or do things that will make it worse

This sounds like hell, not an aspirational solution.

Or she can sleep with you, dad can sleep in her bed/elsewhere

Of you have Spotify, try the bedtime meditations for kids by krstianne kerr. I'll double check the name spelling! She has a couple of different sets of meditations and they're lovely. There's a worry tree for you to hang your worries on and then a relaxing adventure that she talks you through. Really lovely stuff.

@Herejustforthisone sleeping in a bed with your own child is ‘hell’? I feel sorry for your kids

My son is like that but he’s autistic and has terrible separation anxiety so I am not as firm as I would naturally be.

We are going through a family crisis at moment so I’ve abandoned trying to sort him out - co- sleeping is the way to go for us. I have a counsellor set up - I suggest you do that too.

I wouldn’t. He sleeps beautifully in his own room.

It’s not so much the bed sharing that is hell, though a kicking restless child would be disturbing, but the having to go up to bed at 8pm and then sitting on your phone, unmoving, for five hours, until finally going to sleep at 1am. Awful.

Yeah it is when you’re forced to do it for months with absolutely no mental break from being a parent. Tried it?

@FixTheBeak yes I bedshared with my baby for the first 18 months and he still comes into our bed when he needs to. If they’re happy in their own space that’s fab but if they’re not why refuse to comfort them? It’s natural to want to be close to your parents.

@Herejustforthisone if he’s happy in his own bed that’s great, that’s not the conversation here though. This child is struggling with mental illness and needs support at night. No one is suggesting whipping a child who’s happy sleeping alone into their parents bed.

It's Christiane Kerr

DS wouldn't sleep alone up until the age of 12. He'll be 13 in December and has only just started happily sleeping in his own bed. In my experience I'd say just go with the flow, as frustrating as it is at the time it soon passes

Thank you. It's so hard isn't it. You get mom guilt then feel helpless. Think we need to take comfort that they will grow out of it and live in hope it is soon x

Where did I say I wasn't moving 🤣

I don't really watch TV, and I'd only be sat downstairs on my own anyways. At least I don't have to put the heating on! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Saves on electricity too, as I'm just playing on the phone, maybe watching Netflix on the iPad or reading a book on the Kindle.

It's far from hell. Hell was becoming a young widow unexpectedly, becoming homeless briefly, and wondering wtf am I supposed to do now.

Laying in bed at 8pm with a peaceful sleeping child next to me, is not hell 🙄

Hi OP, I have an 8 year old who until the end of May had never slept through the night and wanted to be in my bed every night. Didn't matter if I did punishments or rewards she literally didn't care as long as she could get in my bed. If I laid with her on her bed as soon as I moved she'd wake. As a single parent it was just exhausting and in the end I felt like I didn't like my own child. We were both tired and miserable. It took me 3 yrs and we saw the family support worker, school nurse and had 3 rounds of CBT to no avail. Her anxiety around bedtime was theirs the roof but even when in with me she'd still wake multiple times.
It took me standing in the doctors room looking like I'd been dug up with tears rolling down my face to finally get a paediatrician to take us seriously.

The result - 2mg of Circadin ( melatonin) PLUS 20mg of Phenergan a night and she now sleeps around 10 hrs every night. It's saved our relationship, our sanity and we are both so much happier. Now she knows she can sleep in her own bed the confidence is building and we are hoping to wean her meds down slowly.

I know a lot of the replies have been let them sleep with you, I might get roasted for this but I'll say it anyway - some of us don't want our kids in our beds. It might be the only time you get to yourself to have some peace and chill out.

While medication might not be something you'd consider I just throw it out there that it's okay to want your bed to yourself and child free time xxx
Sending strength, keep going xx