Desperate - 11 month old screaming herself to sleep for hours every night

[Phunny]

Hello, I’m really struggling with my 11 month old who screams for between 30 mins - 3 hours every night. She is fine while being fed etc but as soon as I put her in her cot, she cries hysterically. Nothing seems to calm her. If I pick her up or feed her again I can calm her temporarily but as soon as she’s back in the cot she cries again.

she has a good bedtime routine. Naps are also a nightmare and very haphazard, she only sleeps in the car or the pram and I have older children so it’s difficult to try the cot. When I have tried, we get the same hysterical crying. She usually naps twice a day, longer in the morning then a shorter one in the afternoon ending about 4pm.

i am tempted to try controlled crying since I worry this extreme crying is damaging her. But she sometimes bangs her head on the cot, and sometimes seems to be hyperventilating, so I hate the thought of leaving her.

my older one did the same, but 9/10 would feed to sleep. This one never feeds to sleep.

i would be really grateful for any advice. I am at my wits end because she is so very upset.

Sounds like she just isn't ready to settle.herself to sleep yet. It's hard work as you need to cuddle or feed to sleep and she may be up and down a lot. I've been there and I know it is so difficult. We have tried various things at different times to manage and have generally taken the approach of doing what works for us, in our current circumstances that also gets is some rest. With more than one child you need energy to go around everyone! Sorry it's hard. Take heart that it will.end and don't be afraid to cuddle, feed or co-sleep if it works for you!

Thanks very much @Wisenotboring , good advice. I keep hoping for a magic solution but I guess I’ve just got to keep going for now. And it will get better !

Are nyou sure that it isnt collic?

Thanks @Tania64 I don’t know - she hasn’t always been like this and I didn’t think older babies developed colic. But I might be wrong?

Can you cosleep?
My DD is 18m and still sleeps with us. She always hated her cot! Everyone is happier if she's right next to me. She goes to bed alone (on our bed) at 7pm and then I go up later.

Thanks@peepshow97 I’ve always been scared to try co-sleeping because I’m a very deep sleeper. It has been helpful at points as a parent (!) but I have slept through smoke alarms going off before so I wouldn’t trust myself not to roll on baby or detect a problem.

i assume your user name is about the telly prog and not actual peep shows …!

Sorry you are going through this. I have a 13 month old who just started sleeping in his cot last month so know exactly what you are talking about. I found the book precious little sleep very helpful to understand how baby sleep works and it sounds like you do know what you are doing.
one thing that I have noticed with my little one is that consistency is key. If she cries and you pick her up it must be confusing for her when she cries again and you arent there anymore to comfort her. I appreciate though that she’s crying for really long periods.
my husband took the reigns last month and although I didn’t support it I didnt refuse his request for the controlled crying method. Turns out my lo can actually pretty easily put himself to sleep without me anyway and can find his pacifier on his own at night- we were successful just after 2 nights- and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the uninterrupted sleep given I drive 112 miles a day working full time.
it does sound odd though if shes still waking up and crying in the middle of the night for hours at a time? Make sure you have a super dark room with the white noise machine on all night so its there when she transitions through sleep cycles (my lo immediately doses off in the car- loves the white noise too much).
I guess maybe its time to either cosleep or to look into controlled crying. However CC is hard if you are not 100% on board- maybe book a hotel if you are not sure you can do it and let OH do it. All the best

Thank you so much @Curiousforever I am really appreciating all the advice. I didn’t explain very well - she cries for a very long time at bedtime, but then sleeps through usually till at least 5am. So she must be able to self settle. It is just the initial getting to sleep both for bedtime and nap time.

thanks for the book recommendation, I will have a look into it

well done for sorting the sleep with CC. I am sure you are all (baby included) happier for it, especially working FT and all that driving. I do think my baby would be happier in the long run, I just need to get my head around doing it. My DH is even softer than me so it would need to be me doing it!

Both mine were the same, I still cuddle the 2yo to sleep now which is annoying at times but preferable to the extreme crying and self injuring. I think some kids just need that extra help till they get a bit older. Can you cuddle / rock her to sleep?

Thanks @Cakeandslippers

most cuddling, patting, rocking, stroking, hand holding I do seems to upset her more. If I get her out and feed or read to her she calms, but then gets upset all over again in the cot.

if she has cried for a long time, sometimes she will then settle with some patting, shushing & stroking. But I worry that leaving her, then doing that sends mixed signals. Especially because it doesn’t always work. 😞

What do you do when she’s crying? I used to go in, rub their backs, put them back in a sleeping position and sit for a few minutes in silence in a darkened room. Then leave. If it started again I kept repeating that very calmly. They knew I would come so they weren’t abandoned, but there wasn’t anything in it for them as I didn’t pick them up or talk to them. With one of my children when she got older I would take her into bed with me for five minutes and then put her back in her cot. She would then go to sleep.
The idea is to let them know they aren’t abandoned, you are nearby but they are safe to sleep in their own. It worked for all my kids. I never co slept and they all slept in their cots from birth.
I did the same with feeds. Would feed in the dark with no stimulation . Put them down quietly and leave.
You need to be totally consistent and calm. It takes time but then you will have cracked it.

ah okay, maybe try tweaking the schedule a bit? I would definitely try moving up the second nap to end at around 3 pm rather than 4. Also the wake windows in that book are better than the generic ones I found online- so I would recommend going through that again. Also my LO recently shifted to one nap (with his nursery’s blessings) so it can happen early sometimes. Hope you find some answers as to what is happening and then can address it xx

Thanks @KatharineofAragon

did they settle then when you went in and patted them? I haven’t found a way to stop mine crying except for taking her out the cot & feeding or reading. Generally I try to not take her out of the cot, so then she is just crying for such a long time. Always with me in the room and usually with me trying to pat etc so then at least she knows she’s not alone.

taking her into your bed for 5 mins is an interesting idea, I could try that

Yes you're describing both of mine! We ditched the cot at 12 months and 9 months and just had a mattress on the floor so we could do what we could to get them to sleep on the mattress and no putting down required... sometimes a very slow ninja roll.

Thanks very much @Curiousforever i will give that a try. I do wonder if she is ready to drop a nap, my first went down to one nap very early as well.

Rock to sleep instead???

I feel the second nap is too late. Mine we're on two naps at that point too nut the second one ended about 2.30/3. Then bed about 7.30/8. Now at 21 months my little one is on one nap 12.30-2 and bed about 7. My 3 year old has dropped her nap now and is flat put by 6pm. You just have to keep shifing things around, hopefully if she's exhausted enough she'll sleep. Keep at it with the cot, neither of mine liked it but I persevered as couldn't sleep with them in with me and they both sleep in a bed and cot alone now.

Sorry writing on a phone so many mistakes! Hopefully you know what I mean! Both mine went down to 1 nap about 12 months FYI

@Cakeandslippers Brilliant idea, I never thought of that

thank you ladies, it may sound ridiculous but I feel quite emotional getting all of this great advice, I really appreciate it. Especially the solidarity and sisterhood ❤

i will let you know how I get on with it!

One other thing, tonight my 21 month old has been crying and moaning and I've been up there 6 times. But I just give her a quick cuddle, dummy in, Teddy, lay her down and leave. She's finally gone off. Its not fun but I can't do the rocking or co sleeping etc I need my evenings for my sanity so I'm quite strict with the routine!

thanks@Lostmyway86 I think you’re right, I reckon I need to drop the second nap completely or at least give it a go

I’d either co-sleep or mattress on the floor and cuddle her to sleep then slip away quietly.
The cot clearly isn’t working and she has separation anxiety.

They didn’t at first because they wanted to be picked up. But I was very calm and just kept rubbing their backs, soothing them, putting them back down and leaving. It gets boring for them after a while if they can see you aren’t going to pick them up. I got all this from Penelope Leach Baby and Child which was my Bible at the time. It taught me everything. Basically, babies need to know the difference between day and night. Sleep time and playtime. The room needs to be as dark as possible with as little stimulation as possible. Obviously if they are uncomfortable, need a nappy change, need a drink etc. that needs to be attended to. If they aren’t in pain or need anything and the room is the right temperature , they aren’t too hot or cold, this routine works. Picking the baby up or reading to them, playing with them or rocking them to sleep is the last thing to do. The trick is to get them to learn to sleep alone.
Feeds should be done with as little stimulation as possible and the baby put right back.

Yes @Homeiswherewestay and @TwilightSkies i will try mattress on the floor then I can cuddle etc without the shock of putting her back in the cot. I can’t believe I never thought of it before. Despite reading every thread I could find on sleep !!

You might have to do this for a couple of weeks by the way before it starts to work. Depending on your child and what they have learned to do so far.