Newborn doesn't sleep unless on us!!! Help!!!

[cakeandprosecco1]

I'm a FTM and my husband and I are at our wits end at the moment. We have a lovely 3 week old, but she just doesn't sleep. She won't sleep unless she's laying on one of us. Everytime we try to put her in her crib her eyes pop open and that's it she's awake again and starts getting restless until she cries and we have to pick her up.

I was even so desperate we considered co sleeping with one of us in living room and one of us on bed with her with no blankets etc but she won't do that either unless she's laying on one of our chests. We won't do that as there's too much risk she will roll off.

We have tried everything - swaddling, white noise bath before bed, we feed her so she's full and drifts off, hold her until she's in a deep sleep, make sure she's got dry nappy, rocking, sling and rocking her to sleep this way, a walk, dim lighting.

Occasionally there will be the odd day where she naps in day/gets two-four hours at night but whatever we do then doesn't work the next day.

We are absolutely exhausted, I've never felt tiredness like this in my life.

Is this normal? I feel so alone. Any advice/reassurance appreciated.

Yep. Have you tried safe bed sharing? Lullaby trust explains how it works. Safe bedsharing is so much safer than a tired parent having a sleeping newborn on their chest.

It's completely normal, Google the fourth trimester. They're wired to feel safest with/on you, your warmth, heartbeat and breathing calm and regulate their system.

She is still so little so you're her safe space. Have you seen the teddy that they sell in Smyths? It plays heartbeat sounds and the chest moves up and down. I wonder if putting this near her will help?

Completely normal.
Like someone else suggested, look up the 4th trimester.
This will go on for some time so you have to work as a team and go with it.
It gets easier as time goes on but as this very early stage this is completely normal and expected.

Totally normal for a 3 week old! Don’t fight it

Very normal. With my now 5 month old I did sleep with him on my chest. I wedged myself between my pregnancy cushion around me in a U-shape, with my arms raised but by my sides. I couldn't move. I found it was the only way we could all get some sleep. Now he's 5 months I still can't get him to sleep alone so he sleeps next to me. They apparently do grow out of it but it's only natural they want to feel safe and secure with mum when tiny.

Completely normal as PP has said, google the fourth trimester.
They're so used to being inside of you that they don't want to be away from you. You are their safety and when you put them down their security is gone.
It's tough but so very normal.
I'd recommend a sling for day sleep, if you feel up to you it then for night sleep I would co-sleep but check out lullaby trust for safe sleeping

You could try putting a top/cardigan of yours in the crib with her, needs to be one you've worn & not washed as will have your smell on it - will help to comfort baby. Trick often used by childminders to settle new babies into settings & it absolutely works

Too soon to leave her sleeping by herself- she’s just got used to being out of your tummy. My baby had bad colIc due to protein allergy so was on me 24:7- in the end I slept next to her with my arm around her and her on her side so if she rolled over I would wake up- I was also propped up- desperate to sleep. Make sure you sleep when baby sleeps. That is crucial. Also napping on walks with pram motion. Don’t stress about holding them at this point

Completely normal. You and husband need to sleep in shifts or co sleep.

It's totally normal, as others have said and it's very hard for you. You have to do what you can to get sleep, investigate safe bed sharing, nap in the daytime, give up on unnecessary jobs and chores, buy ready meals... having a newborn can be difficult and you will never have known tiredness like it - it is utterly exhausting.

It's always a surprise to everyone and you'll never react the same way when one of your friends, who doesn't have kids, proclaims to be tired because they've had a late night or a heavy week!

The midwife and HV have told me no to co sleeping because of SIDS which has scared me and to preservere with putting in crib, we tried co sleeping once but she still wanted to be held, but I'm so desperate for sleep I might try it again. Is co sleeping that common then? Is it OK to do this when she's 3 weeks old?

I do understand she's only little and wants to be near us, I really don't mind holding her but I need sleep, I'm just terrified I'll roll over on her as I'm a deep sleeper.

It's been a bit more bearable as me and husband tag team at the moment, but he's going back to work next week and he does an intense job so he has to sleep properly, it will be mostly me that had to stay up with her from then and I don't know how ill cope.

My baby was exactly the same in the early weeks. She would only sleep if held by DH or me so we took turns to sleep. It was horrific, I've never been so sleep deprived! Then around 4 weeks we were able to put her down in her next to me cot after her evening feed and she'd sleep there until her first night feed after which she'd need to be held again. Then gradually she was spending more and more of the night in there. By week 6 she was in her cot the whole night. Also at first I think we didn't realise that she was asleep because she was making so much noise! But you'll soon learn when she's just making snuffly baby noises and when you need to pick her up. Hang in there OP, it will get better!

Hey, I remember those days well with DS I posted on here in desparation and everyone just said to bedshare, which can work but isn't helpful if they won't lie next to you but only on you!

I've copied & pasted bits from the text from our lovely HV - she suggested
"gentle swaddling - might help him feel secure but he must be able to break free if he's getting too warm. Perserverence usually works too - just keep picking him up to comfort him and then keep putting him back in his bed and they usually learn this is what happens and you are still there. This is hard in short term but gets longer term results."

We tried both, along with this thing called a Snugglebundl that meant we could lower him in without waking him up, and putting him in when he was calm and sleepy, he eventually got it.

co sleeping is not always safe, no.

But this stage is very normal and, although it feels like forever, won't last long. Soon you will be getting more sleep.

Came here to suggest this. A muslin that you wear on you would also work

I don’t have anything helpful to add really (also a FTM with a daughter who was 3 weeks yesterday!) but I just wanted to say I think you’re doing amazingly. I am constantly tired and my daughter is quite good about going to sleep in her Moses basket, so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. My partner and I had next to no sleep for the whole time we were in hospital (4 nights, plus I didn’t really sleep the night before my c section) and it was horrendous, so you are a hero! 💐

The only other thing I thought about is the Purflo nest that’s safe for overnight sleeping? It might make her feel secure in the same way that Sleepyheads do, but obviously they are not allowed to be in those for unsupervised sleeping. They’re quite expensive though, so a bit of a gamble if she doesn’t like it!

We've used a purflo nest and while it took a while to get DS to sleep in it, it has worked. I think perseverance has worked, but also be kind to yourself.

I've had 2 4th trimester babies, it's fucking awful, but it does pass. My oldest didn't sleep on his own for longer than 10 minutes till about 3 months. But he's 4 in Sept and sleeps well now!

I do-slept until my daughter was 3. There are safe ways to do it, health visitors aren't always the oracle of everything (mine was bloody awful). Do what you can to cope.

This is completely normal! My baby was the same for the first few weeks and I remember how tough it was.

We tried everything - white noise, swaddling, putting the sheet/sleeping bag down my top so it smelt of me etc and none of it made a difference. I tried cosleeping but that didn’t work. In the end I bought a purflo. They aren’t recommended by the lullaby trust but have been certified (not sure who by!) for overnight sleep. I was anxious about the risk but decided it was less risky than the chance of me falling asleep with her on my chest. They are expensive though so if you know anyone you could borrow one, it may be good to try it out first.

The midwife and HV have told me no to co sleeping because of SIDS which has scared me and to preservere with putting in crib

This is outdated advice, we are meant to discuss safer bedsharing now because it's absolutely inevitable that a majority of people do it at some point, epsecially when breastfeeding. Unless there is some specific risk factor that means it's contraindicated, then I second the advice to look up the Lullaby Trust or BASIS advice.

It's in the NICE postnatal care guideline:

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/qs37/chapter/Quality-statement-4-Infant-health-bed-sharing

The only people who say it’s safe are the people who are sellIng it who do so without any rationale or data. lullaby trust continue to say it isn’t safe.

And just to clarify, you don't need to have a baby to be allowed to say "I'm tired". Non-parents are perfectly valid people too. Thanks.

My second was exactly the same. Couldn't even co sleep the recommended way because it wasn't close enough for her she needed to be on top of my chest! In the end I slept with my elbows propped up on pillows and held her on top all night. Not recommended at all but the alterative was I fell asleep accidentally holding her without being supported so 🤷🏼‍♀️.

She's 2 now. Will go to sleep in her cot but will be in our bed at some point during the night... at least doesn't need to be held 😂.

She was the same for naps so I wore her in the wrap all day as had a crazy toddler to keep up with. She now takes all her naps in the pushchair I never dreamed there would be a moment she nap without being in contact with me!

OP just do what you need to do survive in the safest way you can think of.

There isnt much you can do I am sorry to say.

It does get better though.

Have you got someone that can help you through the day when your husband goes back to work (i.e someone to hold the baby while you sleep)

Everyone struggles like this. Its not you. You are doing great ❤