Newborn doesn't sleep unless on us!!! Help!!!

[cakeandprosecco1]

I'm a FTM and my husband and I are at our wits end at the moment. We have a lovely 3 week old, but she just doesn't sleep. She won't sleep unless she's laying on one of us. Everytime we try to put her in her crib her eyes pop open and that's it she's awake again and starts getting restless until she cries and we have to pick her up.

I was even so desperate we considered co sleeping with one of us in living room and one of us on bed with her with no blankets etc but she won't do that either unless she's laying on one of our chests. We won't do that as there's too much risk she will roll off.

We have tried everything - swaddling, white noise bath before bed, we feed her so she's full and drifts off, hold her until she's in a deep sleep, make sure she's got dry nappy, rocking, sling and rocking her to sleep this way, a walk, dim lighting.

Occasionally there will be the odd day where she naps in day/gets two-four hours at night but whatever we do then doesn't work the next day.

We are absolutely exhausted, I've never felt tiredness like this in my life.

Is this normal? I feel so alone. Any advice/reassurance appreciated.

@cakeandprosecco1 Firstly, congratulations on your lovely baby girl 😊 I hope you’re recovering well aside from being exhausted.
What you’ve described is 100% normal. As others have suggested - read into the 4th trimester. That being said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I also had a baby that wouldn’t sleep unless being held and also developed reflux, my DH works away from home for 2 weeks at a time and we have no local family so I really do understand how desperate you can feel. I think accepting that it is normal rather than feeling like it’s something that needs fixed can help.

What kind of shifts with DH be working when he’s back at work? You may still have to tag team then but do it differently - eg, he takes baby 8pm-midnight to let you get a decent 4 hour stretch then he takes baby again for a couple of hours in the morning before he leaves for work.

We had some success with the Love To Dream swaddle (I can’t remember what age we used it from 🤔). DS hated a traditional swaddle and preferred sleeping with his hands at his face so that worked much better for him. It certainly wasn’t a miracle worker - but it allowed him to settle for maybe an hour at a time so I was able to have very short naps during the night.

Do you have a clip on crib for your bed?

if not I would try it, you can keep your hand on her and both fall asleep.

Again it is totally normal and they will gradually get better but until then here is a tip I read for getting them in the cot without waking.

Lower them down whilst still holding them close to your chest, one hand under bum and one holding back of head/neck, and stay chest to chest after you put them in (you will be leaning completely into the cot). Don't move your hands at this point. After they settle slowly move your hand from under bum and place on their chest, don't move your body far away yet keep as close as you can. Once settled keep that hand on the chest and slowly move the one from under their head. Once settled move hand from chest but still keep your body close to them. Once settled again back away slowly.

Takes a few minutes but worked a treat with mine and they gradually get used to being in he cot. Try and gently breathe on their head as you do this as your breathing will calm t
hem.

Do you have a Next 2Me, or similar? Mine would sleep in there because I could keep my arm around him, but he had his own space and once he was deeply asleep I could pull away. (He'd do a big sigh and that was the signal he'd stay asleep a while.)

I honestly don't remember much about the first few weeks though, it's a blur. You will get through it.

I’m going back over 20 years here and I’m not suggesting it as I don’t believe it’s encouraged now as they’ve have moved on. Controlled crying was the thing back then, I had two very good sleepers as a result but with hindsight I’d say if you want to hold them, do it. You’ve been given some lovely advice from PP good luck

Definitely don't do controlled crying at 3 weeks ffs! What a crazy suggestion from PP.

Its so hard at this stage, OP. Keep trying with the cot - I did and eventually DD stayed down. In the meantime, safe co sleeping saved me. It does get better eventually, as unhelpful as that is to hear right now.

Shifts saved us. I'd try to go to bed at 8 so I could get a good few hours sleep, DH would stay up til 11 with the wee one. At least then I'd have a few hours of sleep under my belt if it was a disrupted night.

@afinethingindeed which is exactly why I began by saying I’m not suggesting it and to hold her child.

'it is a phase, it will pass'.
Make this your mantra. Your LO might be going through a leap or growth spurt. These happen regularly and are bloomin' hard!

Newborns are all encompassing, it feels like it but it won't last forever.

Do you have friends who can come and cuddle for you to nap?

don't be rude ....ffs

totally normal to feel like this, the perfect “newborn bubble” people talk about isn’t all it seems.

the one thing that saved us in the early days was taking it in shifts my ds has cmpa and reflux and cried constantly we literally couldn’t put him down. Things got easier when I started bathing baby straight after our dinner getting him into pjs and feeding him, I’d then have a bath or shower and get some sleep and get up around 11.45 if baby was in a deep sleep we’d try get him in the crib if not I’d take over and dh would go to bed so he still had a full night sleep for work the next day and I’d get sleep too

We got through the first month by sleeping in shifts. I was breastfeeding so only 2 hours at a time. I'd have a two hour nap in evening and in morning. Many a day surviving on 0-4 hours. Then it slowly gets better.
I tried cosleeping many times and it just didn't work for us. What helped:
Swaddling
Pink noise
Warming crib with hot water bottle before putting her down.
She slept on my chest from 4/5am most mornings (I listened to podcasts) until a month ago when she started kicking and not wanting to be held, she suddenly stopped wanting to be rocked too!
My 5 month old now sleeps 10 hours a night in a cotbed with 2 feeds and settles herself to sleep by rolling around! She loves her own space suddenly! A month ago she was still swaddled and wanting to sleep on chest.
Newborn is so hard! You just have to find a way to survive. Shifts and naps were what got me through!