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Sleep

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Original poster

Hubby fell asleep feeding our newborn

57 replies

Axelsmum · 19/06/2022 16:15

Hi guys,
new to this so apologies if I’m doing this wrong. Last night hubby was doing night feed, I heard baby crying so went in to the living room to see if he wanted a hand and baby was on the floor and hubby asleep on sofa - he had fallen asleep feeding him and he rolled off. I was hysterical and so was poor hubby when he realised. Both absolutely terrified. Baby absolutely fine not a single mark on him thank god but now I’m terrified about letting him do night feeds. I’ve felt myself nodding off doing them before so I know how easy it is and we spent the first week in hospital in nicu so got no sleep so both shattered. Have now made a pact to do night feeds together for the time being but any other tips or advice or calming words? My anxiety is through the roof! I can only imagine how awful hubby is feeling too!

OP posts:

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FrustareNT · 19/06/2022 22:16

Do it in shifts…one goes to bed from 8pm ..2am and then 2am to 6-7 am …I did this to help my daughter with her new born and it really worked for us.

IdrisElbow · 19/06/2022 22:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hercisback · 19/06/2022 22:19

Split shifts for a few weeks. Short term you barely see each other but long term baby survives.

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 22:20

Hugasauras · 19/06/2022 16:20

If there's a risk either of you will fall asleep during a night feed, I would personally feed in a safe co-sleeping position in bed so that if you one of you does nod off, the risk is much reduced v sitting upright with baby on you or on a sofa. The mistake a lot of people make is thinking that being on sofa or chair is automatically safer than being in bed, when the reality is that falling asleep on an unsafe sleeping surface like a sofa is far riskier than falling asleep in a safely set-up bed.

it also might be worth listening or watching to something to keep yourself awake too. I used to stick the TV on for night feeds sometimes as I can't fall asleep with a TV/radio on.

This is excellent advice

OP this is really common, its human behaviour, as you say you have felt yourself nodding off, particularly common for breast feeding too

Sit up in the bed during feeding.

soootiredddd · 19/06/2022 22:22

Similar happened with my eldest but we were doing shifts then. Husband was meant to be doing 8-12 shift so I had an early night and then he’d go to bed at 12 and we’d swap. I randomly woke up at 11pm and just felt like something was wrong so I rushed downstairs and found him asleep holding her. I was terrified and hate to think what could have happened. From that point onwards I didn’t let him do a night feed again. Instead we would go to bed at the same time and take baby up with us and then when she woke overnight I’d do the feeds and let DH sleep but then if she woke after around 5.30 he would get up and take her down and feed. I was mixed feeding so it was a bit easier for me as I could do some night feeds as just BF. But I honestly think men do fall asleep easier and don’t wake to baby’s noises in the same way that women do, it’s biological (unless you’ve been drinking etc).

mynameiscalypso · 19/06/2022 22:23

We've definitely all been there (and people posting harrowing stories is not helpful). I got through it by constantly eating. I had a bowl of popcorn or packet of biscuits beside me and just ate to stay awake when doing night feeds.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 19/06/2022 22:24

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/06/2022 22:09

He needs to stand up if he's likely to fall asleep sitting down

There was a lot of that in our house.

OP this happens. It happened to me during the day!. It was my DSS that found us and went and got DH from outside.

My DC was absolutely fine.

Don't be too harsh on yourself or DH. Those early days are hard.

Stock up on those sugary snacks.

Perfect28 · 19/06/2022 22:25

I'm surprised how common this is and people dusting it off. It's very true that op should try not to worry after it's already happened but I don't think the risk should be downplayed.
Bedsharing is the way to go.

blebbleb · 19/06/2022 22:26

It may have been a one off. I don't think you can co sleep whole formula feeding. The shifts and standing up suggestion sounds good. It shouldn't be down to just you because of this.

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 22:28

Perfect28 · 19/06/2022 22:25

There is risk in everything, no one is dusting it off, but bed sharing also has its risks, its about weighing up those for your own personal circumstances and positions.

Thejoyfulstar · 19/06/2022 22:31

My husband fell asleep and dropped our 6 week old on the floor. I went crazy at him for about 30 seconds then realised all the many near misses I've had with our older kids and the many mistakes that I will make with this baby in the future. She is now nearly 5 months old and totally fine. It happens. Go easy on yourselves and eachother.

user7637296 · 19/06/2022 22:31

Why are you getting up and faffing about feeding baby on the sofa? Feed baby in bed. Presumable they have a cot or Moses basket in your room.

I can't even remember the amount of times I fell asleep on my side whilst breastfeeding newborn DDs, only to wake up an hour or two later with my boob out and baby fast asleep next to me.

Just make sure baby is safe from rolling off anything!

Discovereads · 19/06/2022 22:32

@Perfect28
Bedsharing carries its own risks of suffocation. Just because you’re in a bed, doesn’t make it safe to fall asleep with a newborn. In fact, 2 baby deaths per week in the U.K. are linked to bed sharing.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/29/deaths-babies-linked-bed-sharing-uk-data

I don’t think anyones minimising what happened, just saying with honesty it happens so to not to feel like the worst parents on the planet. Then tips to take steps to keep yourself awake in future. I always sat up to nurse (with cold drink and a timer) and then after feeding would wake up and hand off to DH who would do the nappy change/winding and walk about the house carrying the baby until they went back sleep and then back to their cot and him back to bed.

blebbleb · 19/06/2022 22:33

I think falling asleep while breastfeeding is different to falling asleep in bed with a bottle in a babies mouth. That's dangerous. You need to be awake. He needs to be stood up if he can't stay awake when sitting down. I was nearly mad with sleep deprivation in hospital but I didn't nod off when I was bottle feeding my son. You can keep yourself awake.

Thejoyfulstar · 19/06/2022 22:34

FrustareNT · 19/06/2022 22:16

Do it in shifts…one goes to bed from 8pm ..2am and then 2am to 6-7 am …I did this to help my daughter with her new born and it really worked for us.

Can I ask how this works when a breastfed baby is clusterfeeding? I would have loved to have done a split shift like this but wasnt sure how, as my baby needed to feed a lot. Does the dad bring the baby to the mum to feed and then take her away again? Interested to see how others did it.

Hercisback · 19/06/2022 22:36

With cluster feeding you get a feel for the time when the don't cluster.
Mine usually did 7om-10pm cluster. So DH would sleep then. We'd swap 11-3 so I'd get a block of sleep. Then tag team the rest.

Canna89 · 19/06/2022 22:37

Please don't beat yourselves up, the sleep deprivation in those early days are something else especially as you don't have a bloody clue what you're doing! Who made it legal for exhausted unexperienced people to take a tiny baby home?!?! I jest.

I came through in the middle of the night one time to find OH had drifted off on the couch with baby sleeping on his chest. It wasn't his fault, but it really affected me, and after that I did all nightshifts by default because (probably unreasonably) I trusted myself not to fall asleep more than I did him.

If you have any family nearby I'd recommend asking them to come and help one night - when we took our boy home from 2 days in NICU my mum came round and sat on the couch while he slept in a crib in the living room, so we slept from 7pm till 1am undisturbed, as he was bottle fed like yours. We were still so exhausted but I dread to think what state we would have been in without that!

I think if I were to go back and do it all again, I'd make it that one did dayshift and one did nightshift, until we had our bearings. All easy to say with retrospect.

It gets a lot easier once the start sleeping for longer periods. It feels endless but it does get better.

Canna89 · 19/06/2022 22:37

And just to add - a big well done to both of you for doing the world's toughest job!!!

Arthursmom · 19/06/2022 22:45

We did shifts at that age. Partner stayed up until midnight while I got a sleep from 9-12. I then coslept with our son the rest of the night. Worked well!

Change123today · 19/06/2022 22:45

I understand but I don’t think both of you doing night feeds at same time will help either of you! You’ll both be tired! I found as others being in bed and arranging a safe space - drinking cold water during feeding etc worked best - with my second I breastfed while glaring at the snoring husband Grhh

Ill never forget with my second - we had one of those next to me cribs. During the night she must have stirred and in my sleep picked her up and cuddled her into me! I remember vaguely waking up & being aware of the baby in the bed - I’ve never been so terrified to open my eyes incase I had squished her :( All ok - but we moved the cot thing away from the bed!

Katya213 · 19/06/2022 22:48

Shift work is the way to go with the night feeds. I did 8 - 2, my dad did 2 - 4 and my step mum did 4 - 6. Then after 6 , I was up with her for the day. It worked really well.

Holly60 · 19/06/2022 22:55

Co sleeping position sounds like a good idea. Maybe set a timer for roughly how long a feed lasts also?

Another idea might be to lie baby on the floor and DH sit up next to baby to make
It harder for him to fall asleep. I don't know how safe that is so you could check if it's ok to do.

Kerrrmieee · 19/06/2022 23:02

Sorry @Katya213 but I find your post slightly odd. Not all us have our parents on hand. Some of us i.e me did it alone.

OP I used to have my bottle warmer next to the bed with a fresh bottle ready to be added. Baby would grumble - I'd pop bottle in and the timer would warm to correct temp whilst baby geared up for a roar.

I'd feed her sitting up in bed, lamp on, radio on quiet, wind etc, then change on a towel on the bed and pop back into cot next to me.

Probably not ideal scenario with a partner! Do you have a spare bedroom? I'm just wondering that if you are both getting up, then you might sleep better separately for a couple of hours?

If only there was a solution! Congrats on baby and fingers crossed for a sleep through soon.

You'll wake up in a panic when that happens 🤣

Katya213 · 19/06/2022 23:05

Kerrrmieee · 19/06/2022 23:02

Sorry @Katya213 but I find your post slightly odd. Not all us have our parents on hand. Some of us i.e me did it alone.

I'd feed her sitting up in bed, lamp on, radio on quiet, wind etc, then change on a towel on the bed and pop back into cot next to me.

Probably not ideal scenario with a partner! Do you have a spare bedroom? I'm just wondering that if you are both getting up, then you might sleep better separately for a couple of hours?

If only there was a solution! Congrats on baby and fingers crossed for a sleep through soon.

You'll wake up in a panic when that happens 🤣

After two weeks, I did all alone, I had nobody in this country and haven’t done since, my dd being 7 now. I don’t actually give a rats how you find my post.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/06/2022 23:05

I wouldn't go easy on him - what the feck is wrong with these men???? None of them seem to be able to be trusted at all with children for 5 minutes.

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