9 months and still won't sleep

[TeainanIV]

This isn't the first time I've posted about my DD and her horrendous sleep... and it's only gotten worse. I'm at the end of my tether now, cannot cope and it's make me so angry and anxious. She just does not sleep unless on my boob or on me. She is incredibly clingy, to the point she becomes hysterical if my partner tries to settle her. We used to at least be able to bounce her to sleep, but now thats impossible and the only way to get her down is feeding. Even then moving her is difficult as she immediately wakes and either latches on or screams blue murder until back on. This is the same whether it's day or night - I can never just pop her in her cot, she just screams and screams.

I'm beyond exhausted, I feel dizzy most days through sheer exhaustion. I am angry and snappy all day, I've got no patience left by night time and I hate myself but some nights I feel so much anger towards her. I would never ever hurt her but it scares me how angry I feel - I'm generally a very placid and patient person so not used to feeling this way. Nothing in the house is getting done because she is on me all the time - naps are on me or in the pram because ant other way and she just doesn't sleep!

My relationship feels in tatters - she's still in our room, neither of us are sleeping and my partner gets upset as she is hysterical if he tries to settle her. He gets annoyed at me for feeding her to sleep but the alternative is screaming for hours on end. We've tried CIO, controlled crying etc but all end up with her hysterical and making herself choke she's that worked up. The only thing that calms her is the boob.

Sleep training has been made harder as our neighbours have complained about the noise and now completely ignore us out of the house as its annoyed them that much! I hate myself for letting it bother me as she's a baby and can't help it, but it's only added to the anxiety of night times knowing not only is it effecting us but them too.

I don't know what to do, I feel like a failure in terms of her sleep. I feel like I've created this problem and now it's so deep it's becoming impossible to fix. I worry about her future sleep if this is what she's like now and I genuinely don't think I could go through this again if we were to have another baby.

I feel so pathetic writing this, this is one of many threads of written with the same issue and I honestly thought it would've improved by now but it's just gotten worse and worse. If you've made it this far thank you!! This is such a rambling thread, please go easy on me in the comments - really at a low point

First of all without patronising this is just a phase, it will pass and you will all sleep. I do speak from experience and your post takes me right back to the desperate sleep deprivation days.
Dummy all the way. Does she have colic by the way? Any other symptoms if so upset off the boob? I had many sleepless nights of rocking and holding dummy in before ds got it and finally settled a bit.
I remember it well, mine are 6 & 8 now. It does pass and does get easier. It's just so painful when living it....

Oh also I started mixed feeding for this reason.

@Silverbirch2 she refused a dummy, always has. She has CMPA and egg allergy which is under control now, the screaming is off the scale tonight - she has currently been screaming for two hours now

Honestly I would stop the breastfeeding. You sound at breaking point. Will she take a bottle?

You aren’t failing but I have been where you are now and I know that’s how it feels. You will sleep again. You will get time alone again. It won’t feel that way now.

Look at one issue at a time - maybe focus on the first nap of the day and seeing if you can get her down for that (so you can have half an hour without her on you) Don’t expect miracles but it’s worth trying. Feed to sleep as normal then transition. If she wakes, deep breath, try again or wait and try tomorrow.

Follow Lyndsey Hookway and Kathryn Stagg on Instagram- they have saved my sanity with my second DS

Sleep at 9 months is often crappy! My DS is the same age and just coming through the other side of a really crap sleep regression. On top of illness and teething. And all the other developmental stuff. It’s an exhausting age.

If she won’t settle for DH at the moment, see if he can support in other ways (taking her down in the morning so you can sleep? Doing a bit of the cleaning so you don’t stress about it when she asleep on you?)

Sending lots of strength your way. I hope things get better.

I feel for you and am going through similar, although doesn't sound as severe as what you are.
I don't know what to suggest other than persevering with the techniques you gave already tried and perhaps reattempting a dummy?
Please know you are not alone and this can be worked through.

Oh op - I was in the exact position with my first. The only thing that worked was gradual retreat and just toughing out the hysterical crying. I literally couldn't have carried on as we were. It was short lived - by night 3 he slept through. I made my husband check he was still alive...

Also all an allergy baby. I think the two are connected.

Do you co-sleep? This is the only way I was able to get any sleep myself. My youngest refused to take a dummy and made himself throw up from the screaming so I spent every night with my boobs out in bed sleeping while I could. I know it is truly horrendous in the depths of sleep deprivation. It is so so normal, yet we don’t expect it. There is something quite freeing about accepting that it is normal and it will pass, eventually.

There is an article I could link from Sarah Ockwell-Smith on the 8-10 sleep regression. You might find it helpful, but I felt frustrated by it because both my DC seemed to turn 4 months and not climb back out of the regression until they were over 1.

It will get better over time.

I swapped to a bottle for this one. Made it’s own problems as he is much older and still has a bottle to drift off with, but we just leave him and turn out the lights and he happily feeds to sleep with it

Firstly, I’d get a doctor check to see if anything is bothering her - colic, wind, dairy allergy etc etc

Then I’d check with the neighbours when they’re going on holiday

When they’re away, I’d then go the Ferber method of controlled crying. It will be pretty hideous for certainly the first night or two but a few nights in should see a remarkable improvement.

You need to then be consistent and stick with it.

Other, more gentle methods are available but if she has such a strong sleep association to you I think they’d result in much more crying over a longer period of time. CC gets results pretty fast

Good luck tk you, it’s horrible

So why is she screaming now? Because alone in cot? Or are you holding her and still screaming? If the second I would start thinking colic or some pain issue. I preserved with dummy as it was the suckling of me that helped the sleep. We had lots of wind, reflux etc issues and that does make them want to full up with milk.

I should add I started mixed feeding due to this. No boob at night it was just too hard. So dummy. Bottle and initially rocked, held then in cot but hands on then sitting next to cot and reasuring every minute or 2 etc.

I did co sleep with dc2 ad they just wanted me, but a bottle etc just me.

This sounds ridiculously tough OP I'm sorry you are so tired. It sounds hideous.
My boy, now 18mo was a hideous sleeper until about 6 or 7 mo. It started getting better, particularly nap times and number of night wakings when I got him to settle on his own. He was absolutely addicted to boob. Sucking was his thing. I also now wonder if he had tummy issues or a dairy intolerance, silent reflux?
Anyway to get him self settling I did it slowly and gently by habit stacking. Gave him a lottle blanket comforter at all times to get him attached to it. When feeding to sleep I started patting his bum and shushing then gradually would unlatch a bit earlier and shove the comforter in his mouth. A dummy might work too.
Anyway long story short eventually I would feed till drowsy, put in the cot with comforter then shush pat to sleep. Then the next step would be to leave before he was asleep. He was actually fine, not many tears.
My boy was 5/6mo so a bit younger. Is difficult as they get older they are more aware and outraged.
My boy would never take a bottle which was a massive pain, I started giving him milk in a tommie tippie before breastfeeding him to try and get the balance off me a bit. Then not long after he turned 1 all of his milk was from the tommie tippe cups.
He woke twice a night form about 8mo then down to once and by 1yo was sleeping through.

Best of luck I really hope you get there soon!!!

Sounds terribly tough for you and your partner. I have no advice but wanted to reply as I can feel your heartache through your post. You aren't alone in the anger you feel, especially at night time. Everything feels so much worse and more lonely at night. I hope you find a way to improve your LO's sleep.

In the meantime, your neighbours are being twats. Why add to your stress when they can hear you're having a hard time?! Some people are dicks.

Get yourself some pepti 1 and leave it to dad.

That’s what I did and everything got a whole lot better from there.

I was in the exact same situation. Wrote a despo thread, I don’t know why but the protein just wasn’t leaving my milk so he was so u comfy every night he was waking 8-10 times(!!!!) which obviously was driving me insane.

Within 3 nights it was 2-3 wake ups and 2 months later he slept through in his own bed.

Thank you all for kind comments, apologies for my radio silence last night I was really struggling and partner stepped in and I ended up in the bath for two hours trying to just relax!!

We have tried the dummy so many times and it's unfortunately just a no go - she just chews it and plays with it like a toy.

I think someone mentioned their allergy baby being very similar, I think it does all stem from her allergies - the constant comfort sucking and needing the boob to soothe.

She will take a bottle of my expressed milk, I just struggle to get much from me whenever I do express.

Formula us tricky, we tried to get her on some dairy free formulas but she really hates them and it's an ongoing battle trying to get her to accept them at the moment - but we are trying to persevere with it.

It really has become so unmanageable now and it's having a huge impact on our mental and physical health - I always knew we'd get very little sleep but at the moment it feels completely unsustainable as there's just no relief from her needing me to sleep/nap!

I love her with all my heart but feel like I'm losing myself in a haze of sleep deprivation and anxiety

Is she eating solids well?

Worth looking into a sleep consultant? There are ones out there who offer more gentle methods. Talking through everything with someone might help and often they give phone/WhatsApp support as you implement the plan.

@LapinR0se we're very lucky as she does eat solids really well - she's got a good appetite that's for sure, for boob and solids 🙈!!

@Amammai we have looked in to this but we just are struggling to afford it at the momeb5, however we are feeling at breaking point now so would try and make it work somehow

I think you should give her a nice big supper and a sippy cup of expressed milk then go out for the evening and let your husband settle her.
Breaking the boob to sleep association is your highest hope here.

And yes she will cry. But she is crying anyway.

@LapinR0se

I think you should give her a nice big supper and a sippy cup of expressed milk then go out for the evening and let your husband settle her. Breaking the boob to sleep association is your highest hope here.

And yes she will cry. But she is crying anyway.

This is exactly it.

Also agree with perhaps going out for the evening if she's comfortable with taking a bottle. She will have to get on with it if you're not there, sometimes they behave differently.

Soon after my boy could self settle (had only tried with me putting him to bed) I had an accident and had to go to A&E so my husband had to do bedtime. Baby cried a lottle bit but my husband went in and out every 2 mins and once he was asleep he slept till 3am which was the longest he had ever done in his life!

Another thing that helped, sometimes if he was ill or having an attachment blip he would want me in the room to go to sleep so I'd be on the floor by the cot and rhythmically tap the matress and shuuuushh. He wiuld usually settle down and go to sleep in about 15mins.

@LapinR0se we do give her a supper, usually banana and some peanut butter toast but doesn't seem to work!

That's my next plan, going out for the evening. I have done this before and she's woke a lot but not as much.

I'm on my own hen do in a months time and will be away two days so she'll have no choice then. Anxious about it at the moment but might do the trick 🤞🏻

That’s a snack not supper. She could well be hungry. I will post a routine shortly