I can't take the screaming anymore - baby refuses to sleep

[Lelephant]

Hi everyone,

I'm at the end of my tether and really need some advice on naps. My son is 15 weeks old and has never been a great sleeper. But he is getting worse and worse and is becoming hysterical and WILL NOT SLEEP DURING THE DAY.

When he was 8 weeks, he would fall asleep next to me on the couch with some white noise. Then after 9 weeks he started to become hysterical, and would only fall asleep in the carrier.

Now, neither works and he just screams and acres all day and I've honestly had enough. He screams like 80% of the time he is awake and I'm so frustrated. I've tried putting him in his next to me cot in the dark (dummy + white noise) and he becomes completely hysterical, I then give up after 30 mins and open the curtains and he calms down and is smiling. I can repeat this for many hours. I know he is tired because his eyebrows are red, he's rubbing his eyes and yawning. I try to put him to sleep before he gets overtired, but the same screaming happens. It gets to a point where he so tired he will scream and scream or eventually wear himself out that we will fall asleep wherever he is. He gets maybe 2 hours total sleep during the day and goes down for bed 6:00-7:00 pm. He's OK at night but will wake up and be active after a nappy change (we do one when he wakes up around 11-12).

I've tried a dummy, rocking him, white noise, lullabys, sometimes picking him up calms him down, other times he continues to scream and I really can't take all this screaming anymore. I really need to vent and I really need help.

Today, we did have a small success. After screaming hysterically in his bed in the dark, I opened the curtains. Again, smiling and giggling. So I did some tummy time with him. Took him downstairs and placed him on the couch next to me .. Where its brighter, closed the curtains (not dark dark), turned on white noise and he somehow just put himself to sleep. I don't get it! It's so variable with my baby. I love him so much but he really pisses me and stresses me out with all this fighting sleep.

Does anyone have any advice for daytime napping?

I would say consistency is the key. Pick one way and stick with it for all naps and nighttime.

You are coming up to 4 month sleep regression. Power through. Keep a routine, consistent, and coffee. Have a look on mumsnet lots about 4-month sleep regression.

Personally, I love the dummy, as you can pop in the mouth and tap for the baby to learn to self soothe. I also go with white noise. At that age, I was still doing contact naps, and only way, my lo would do it. Also, it wasn't until 8 months my lo was having cot naps in the dark. She wasn't ready before then.
From about 6 months, I transition into pram naps.

I hope this helps and your doing great.

My first was like this would only nap on the go so in the car, pram or sling. Try working on the first nap of the day, if you miss this one the rest won't follow. They need this nap at least after 2 hours of being awake if not before. Any longer and he'll be overtired.

Honestly when all mine were young ( have 3 and I'm a childminder) I've never done a nap routine like that. I've just let them fall asleep wherever and whenever they wanted too. Sometimes that's in the pram, sometimes the car, sometimes on the couch (when they are a bit older) sometimes on my knee or in a bouncer. You're stressing yourself out too much. Why have him in a dark room screaming if, when you open the curtains he's happy🤷‍♀️.
I absolutely refused to get into a fixed routine of napping in a dark room in a cot. I'm not restricting myself to the house like that for years.

My DS wouldn’t nap in a cot until 5-6 months, so I spent hours walking round with the pram… he’d wake up if I stopped walking.
Or rocking to sleep and then holding him for hours (the rocking did take a long time too).

Honestly I’d ditch trying to get him to nap in a cot for now, a lot of babies just can’t do it at that age - you’ll just be upsetting him and yourself.

It does get better though, I promise.

Will he nap in the pram? My Ds was the same and I ended up taking him for a walk and he would fall asleep every single time. Sometimes I'd only have to walk round the block, sometimes a bit further. It's not ideal but it saved my sanity. When he got a bit older he still had all his naps in the pram. I found out I could push him back and forth over the tiny bump (the door plate) between the living room and kitchen and he would fall asleep. Didn't even have to leave the house 😅

@Thatsplentyjack I’m wildly jealous! Honestly I remember posting here in desperation around this point when DD was tiny. I had the ‘just let her fall asleep where ever’ advice so figured ‘ok, I just won’t make any effort to put her to sleep’ and she stayed awake the entire day it was horrendous. Some kids just won’t put themselves to sleep at all. My mum was team ‘oh she’ll just fall asleep on the play mat if she’s tired’ until she looked after her for a day

OP, I’ve been there and it’s hellish. For us the consistency was really important as PP said and unfortunately, DD would only sleep in my arms, the car or the pram (but it had to be moving, you weren’t allowed to stop)! Was utterly crap and very restrictive until the 6 month mark when we sleep trained for naps - very gentle retreat style but still, it had to be done. She’s now 18 months and puts herself to sleep for every nap - at nursery they just get her to go lie down on a mat, she’s not even in a crib or anything. Would never have dreamed she was capable of it at the stage you’re at!

Sorry, not a whole lot of useful advice but I just wanted to say I promise you’re not alone. I’m about to have DC2 and I’m praying for one that sleeps better this time around!

You need to work on naps.
2 hours isn't long enough for him.
I would also ditch the cot in his own room.
He's young he doesn't want to be away from you yet.
So only have 2 hours is making him overtired which can cause these issues.
Nail the naps, stick with it, no more opening curtains etc, if you know he'll fall asleep next to you, do it.
Once naps are sorted nighttime sleep will follow nicely.

2 hours daytime sleep doesn’t sound awful, DS has never slept much more than 30 minutes at a time. At that age DS would only sleep if the was movement (in the car, pram or being rocked in a rocker) OR contact naps including breastfeeding. He does sleep in his cot now at 7mo but he rarely goes down without some protesting. I still do the last nap of the day with movement or contact.

DS nighttime sleep has always been pretty good. I wouldn’t change his nappy in the night unless he’s dirty because it would wake him too much.

I had the ‘just let her fall asleep where ever’ advice so figured ‘ok, I just won’t make any effort to put her to sleep’ and she stayed awake the entire dayit was horrendous

So you only tried it for one day?

@Thatsplentyjack

I had the ‘just let her fall asleep where ever’ advice so figured ‘ok, I just won’t make any effort to put her to sleep’ and she stayed awake the entire dayit was horrendous

So you only tried it for one day?

Ha, fair enough, that’s how it reads! No, definitely tried lots of variations over different days, it was more that day was a little experiment to see how long she could go without sleep over a whole day. It was not one we repeated for the whole day again though, because I don’t think letting a newborn get so wound up that they’re screaming their heads off for hours on end is a good thing. And I’m definitely not super soft, we did sleep training later down the line

Thanks everyone! Venting made me feel better.

@guiltynetter sadly he will not sleep in the pram. Too bad since we got a travel bundle which mostly goes unused!

@ChittyBang1987 thank you for saying I'm doing great, it really means a lot and honestly is a huge morale booster.

I was trying in the dark in his cot for day nap to see if that worked. Nope. It's fine for bedtime, he will go down in his cot at night time which is so strange. Maybe he realises it's day time and wants to get out of the bedroom?

I'm trying the method I used yesterday and it has worked this morning! Sleep sack, dummy and very loud white noise and he fell asleep next to me on the couch.

It was a rough night, he got up at 3 am and wouldn't go back into his cot so he basically slept on me for the rest of the night.

I think you are all right, this is the 4 month sleep regression. It's really rough. He is having his 16 week jabs next week, so it will be a rough couple days. Poor baby won't be feeling too great, I know you all know how horrible it is seeing them in pain!

Can you wear earplugs or noise cancelling earphones when you’re looking after him? I wish I’d tried this when DS was a baby - he basically also spent most of his waking hours screaming and only napped if I held him. He turned out to have cows milk protein allergy so had tummy ache a lot of the time. Obviously we did our best to treat that with paediatrician advice, but I’m sure I would have been less traumatised (and I do not use that word lightly) if I hadn’t been able to hear him screaming.

I should stress I don’t mean wear them and ignore him - tend to him as normal but protect your ears!

Op, your welcome. I wish I had more comments like that at this age when my lo was this age. I was literally hanging; there's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as torture.

I promise you it gets better. Just remember you're doing a good job and repeat the mantra of its a phase. Nothing lasts forever.

Be consistent; stick to the same way to get lo to sleep. And watch awake windows. At the end of 2 hours, awake time lo should be asleep.

Oh, and another vote for earphones or earplugs. It dims the crying.

@SilverGlassHare ah I do wear noise cancelling headphones , but they don't block the noise completely. I can cope with him crying when I've had more sleep. But I do find the screaming, even with noise cancelling g headphones, extremely stressful at times... Like I need to walk away and have a little cry. I did not prepare for how hard it wojld be as a mother to see him cry, its so upsetting!

But yes, it definitely helps!

I actually feel quite guilty for not handling the difficult times better. He is my rainbow baby, I lost DS1 at 5 months pregnant, so I feel I should be more grateful sometimes as I wished for DS2 so hard!

Don't ever feel guilty! We're built to find a screaming baby intolerable, especially our own, so that we care for it (to get it to shut up, hoprefully). You're meant to want him to be quiet. And it's impossible to love every minute of parenting, no matter have loved or wanted your child is.

Sorry to hear the noise cancelling earphones don't work completely... have you tried earplugs and earphones?! I know it'll still be distressing to see him wailling. I used to go into another room and scream "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" into a pillow. I don't think it really helped, I was just at the end of my tether.

The one god thing about having a baby who screams a lot is practically every other parenting stage seems easy in comparison (so far anyway!). There was a thread the other day from a parent struggling with a bolshy 7 year old - my 7 year old behaves in exactly the same but it rarely bothers me too much because it's bliss in comparison to being screamed at 24/7.

Been there; it's so tough! How is he in the car? Sometimes when DD refused sleep I would drive around for a while and she'd fall asleep. I'd sometimes be able to bring her back and transfer her to the cot, or sometimes I'd get a drive-through coffee and go and park in the shade for a while.

At sleep school they had us shush-patting in the cot (turn on side and pat thigh)

hey, just thinking, as the white noise works sometimes- have you tried music? With both of my girls there were times when only music could calm them down. There are some nice baby sleep classical compilations on youtube and here's one that I made for parents after having a similar experience. Singing along helps too. Good luck, it's so tough, sending you lots of strength

@SilverGlassHare that's me some days! It's really hard when they can't tell you what they want, I'm sat there like WHAT DO YOU WANT. I suppose that is the silver lining for down the line!

@ralanne ah I haven't really tried that. Come to think of it he does tend to either fall asleep or look at his own reflection (mirror I attached so I can still see him) and chill in the car. Maybe I should try this if he's overtired and won't sleep.

@emmagreenfield thank you!!! The only song that sometimes works for him is the Happy Song by Imogen Wells and even that is starting to fail. Thank you for the video! I'll give it a go!

I often drove around aimlessly to get DS to sleep. Usually he'd remain asleep when we got home as long as he wasn't moved, so sometimes I'd have a nap sitting up in the driver's seat sitting on the drive! I had friends who would leave their sleeping kids in the car while they went into the house and pottered, but I took the opportunity to try to catch up on my sleep.

If he is okay through the night, maybe he just doesn't need that much sleep during the day and is getting mad/bored that you when you put him in a boring dark room and try to get him to sleep when he isn't that tired?

I'm just wondering as you said after a bit of TT/play he went down easily. It seems like maybe he wasn't that tired the first time? My baby was waking every hour at night and I've started follow advice by Georgina May -- basically offering opportunities for baby to sleep when she seems tired in normal day conditions (eg normal light/noise conditions) by providing optimal conditions for sleep (for my baby this means nursing to sleep). If after 5-20 minutes she doesn't fall asleep I assume she's not that tired, give her something fun to do or see, and then try again later. Her napping hours have gone down a bit in the day but she's much happier now that I'm not constantly walking around bouncing her trying to get her to sleep. I think I was misreading boredom for tiredness!

Sorry -- that should be 5-10 minutes!

Pram or carrier and go for a walk. It might not put him to sleep but the sound will feel less loud outside - especially in a pram where your ears are a little further away from the screaming.

@MumtherofCats that's actually very good advice. OK, so if after 5-10 mins of setting up his usual scene of how he likes to sleep... But he doesnt sleep. I'll go do something else with him!