I can't take the screaming anymore - baby refuses to sleep

[Lelephant]

Hi everyone,

I'm at the end of my tether and really need some advice on naps. My son is 15 weeks old and has never been a great sleeper. But he is getting worse and worse and is becoming hysterical and WILL NOT SLEEP DURING THE DAY.

When he was 8 weeks, he would fall asleep next to me on the couch with some white noise. Then after 9 weeks he started to become hysterical, and would only fall asleep in the carrier.

Now, neither works and he just screams and acres all day and I've honestly had enough. He screams like 80% of the time he is awake and I'm so frustrated. I've tried putting him in his next to me cot in the dark (dummy + white noise) and he becomes completely hysterical, I then give up after 30 mins and open the curtains and he calms down and is smiling. I can repeat this for many hours. I know he is tired because his eyebrows are red, he's rubbing his eyes and yawning. I try to put him to sleep before he gets overtired, but the same screaming happens. It gets to a point where he so tired he will scream and scream or eventually wear himself out that we will fall asleep wherever he is. He gets maybe 2 hours total sleep during the day and goes down for bed 6:00-7:00 pm. He's OK at night but will wake up and be active after a nappy change (we do one when he wakes up around 11-12).

I've tried a dummy, rocking him, white noise, lullabys, sometimes picking him up calms him down, other times he continues to scream and I really can't take all this screaming anymore. I really need to vent and I really need help.

Today, we did have a small success. After screaming hysterically in his bed in the dark, I opened the curtains. Again, smiling and giggling. So I did some tummy time with him. Took him downstairs and placed him on the couch next to me .. Where its brighter, closed the curtains (not dark dark), turned on white noise and he somehow just put himself to sleep. I don't get it! It's so variable with my baby. I love him so much but he really pisses me and stresses me out with all this fighting sleep.

Does anyone have any advice for daytime napping?

Have you tried watching a film and chilling so they can sleep on you? My little one didn't nap in a cot or bed until they were gone 1. They did settle in a pram when we started going on. I miss days where I could literally lie down and just be quiet with him.

Yep! He gets excited by the lights and noise on the TV and starts to watch. Which would be fine except he gets overstimulated. I can watch stuff on my phone as long as its not too loud!

One of mine was like that but it I eventually accidentally discovered that he was easily mesmerised by snooker on the television. One of the others fell silent and made moue mouth shapes listening to Clannad of all things. (Stumbled over that one flicking Radio stations in the car.) I’d try a few random things.

(We had to have a dvd of snooker in the end, for emergencies. And bought a clannad album for the other one when she was 6 weeks.)

Try with the first nap of the day, an hour after he wakes in the morning. So feed, change, change clothes, quick play, then swaddle him in a large muslin or blanket, head out for a walk in the pram and play loud white noise. Try not to make eye contact or do anything to stimulate him. If he gets a decent nap in the morning this should help set him up for other naps as he won't be over tired, and the first nap is usually the easiest for the same reason, but often we miss the window thinking they won't be ready for a nap so soon. It's when they start finding their hands and feet that the sleep regression hits, because they wake themselves up by flailing around and getting more and more overtired, this is why the swaddling is so important. If he is resisting it, walking will help keep you calm too.

@Thatsplentyjack

Honestly when all mine were young ( have 3 and I'm a childminder) I've never done a nap routine like that. I've just let them fall asleep wherever and whenever they wanted too. Sometimes that's in the pram, sometimes the car, sometimes on the couch (when they are a bit older) sometimes on my knee or in a bouncer. You're stressing yourself out too much. Why have him in a dark room screaming if, when you open the curtains he's happy🤷‍♀️. I absolutely refused to get into a fixed routine of napping in a dark room in a cot. I'm not restricting myself to the house like that for years.

I agree. I never even thought about a nap routine or putting my child to bed during the day if he wasn't sleepy and he didn't scream, he was content. If I'd put him, awake, in his cot in a dark bedroom he might well have screamed. It's not a good idea to have too many rules, babies are individuals. They will sleep when they need to.

Presumably he's not tired when you want him to nap? My DS was like this. He'd sleep from about 10pm to 8am, and nap from about 2pm till 5pm, and that's it. Even when he was a newborn he wasn't interested in sleeping. He just didn't want to nap, so I didn't fight it. He's a teenager now and still very strong willed.

Lots of babies do need to sleep but fight it. And if they don’t nap, they struggle later in the day.

Yes! Even as a newborn he was a terrible sleeper. He'd be up for 2 hours and just chill. I told the HV and she said that's fine which confused me because of all the wake windows I read about for newborns.

It’s so stressful. Mine isn’t a terrible sleeper - not the best but far from the worst - but he’s never done that just sleep wherever thing.

Mine did sleep in the pram and carrier but it’s pretty hard walking all day. Especially in winter!

Can he sleep with you in your bed?

Does he seem happy on less sleep? Sleep needs are individual and some babies just need less!

www.kidspot.com.au/baby/baby-care/i-broke-all-the-rules-about-baby-sleep-and-heres-what-happened/news-story/557cb74b3764b692bf7e518e1aec219d

We are only a week in but this was definitely my baby! She was waking every hour or more in the night and fighting naps all day. After a Google search I concluded she was overtired and her day sleep was impacting on her night sleep because "sleep begets sleep" so started trying to force her to nap even more according to wake windows and the huckleberry app recommendations (around 5 hours/day). I felt like I was failing because I couldn't get her to nap enough or within her wake windows so bought blackout curtains, all different sleep swaddles etc. Nothing worked.

I'd also concluded based on my Google research that she couldn't link sleep cycles independently because I was feeding her to sleep. I blamed myself for not being able to get her to sleep in her cot drowsy but awake and wondered what I was doing wrong.

Anyway, a week after ditching all of those rules I've realised she actually just needs less sleep than the internet was telling me. Her day sleep was impacting on her nights but in the opposite way to what I thought! The excessive day napping I was imposing on her was impacting on her night sleep causing her to wake every hour or more, similar to how I'd feel at night if I'd spent the day sleeping. Since I've stopped forcing her to nap on a schedule she falls asleep easily within 5-10 minutes when she is actually tired and sleeps in much longer blocks at night. Last night she slept for 10 hours uninterrupted. She clearly can link sleep cycles and my feeding her to sleep has nothing to do with it. All along the problem was caused by me forcing her naps! I feel so silly that I listened to all of these internet rules instead of my baby, and terribly guilty for all of the times that I walked around with her in a dark room thinking she was overtired whilst she screamed and cried hysterically trying to tell me that she actually wasn't tired enough to sleep!

Look into the Possums program approach or Georgina May if you think this may apply to your situation. It's been a game changer for us!

Most babies struggle to self settle so you'll need to help with rocking/shushing, pram, whatever method.
Keep it consistent so he knows what's going to happen.
Good luck, 4 month regression is an absolute killer x

Sounds like Leap 4 / Sleep Regression / Growth Spurt - basically you just need to survive this stage in anyway possible.

My bubba Is 16 weeks old and he fights naps and bedtime - never been a chilled baby. But thats his temperament. So I do different things anf sometimes 1 thing works others it doesn't.
1 think that works 8/10 is Nursing it's comfort and a little bit of food too.
If it means we get peace and quiet and no screaming in happy to do it.

I would look up Dr Sears on Google - he talks about high needs babies. Those that fight sleep and temprements and acceptance.
All babies jave different temperament they are humans not robots. So just like adults some are easy and chill - like my hubby he can fall asleep anywhere any time. Or me - I need darkness and need to be relaxed and it takes me a good 20-30 mins to doze off.

So of adults have this difference then of course babies will to.
As many have said it will pass they are just not emotionally able to selfsoothe and as Dr Mckenna has said babies are unable to reach the emotional maturity to self aoothe ubtil they are 4/5 years of age. So in the meantime we caregivers gotta care TLC - patience and acceptance.

All the best of luck

100000% agree. I too spent HOURS looking at all these sleep consultants who pretty much try to fit all babies into one box and YT videos of "my baby slept through the night at 6 / 8 / 13 weeks" it made me feel crappy BUT then I cane across Dr Sears and Dr McKenna and it changed my life. Like now I accepted my son is not a chill baby he is a needy baby - he knows what he wants and lets me know lol. He likes to be close to me and sleeps better in the day if I rock / bounce and hold him or lay next to him.
Babies are not born independent and all this rubbish about self soothing when 9 months they slept in a warm cosy snug place with food all the time and sounda of Mama.
It was in the 1950s they introduced this push for FF and put Baby down in cot and leave them alone. That goes against human nature mothers instincts snd not natural. No wonder why babies are so upset and protest. Yeah some babies are chill but that's not the majority. Most babies need Mama close by and they need a lot of TLC.
I was streasing about wake windows and using huckleberry and even though I did as They said with Sweetspot and routines it did not work and I stuck at it for 4 weeks.
Instead I use the app noe just for my own record and to remind myself of feeds and naps. But other then that Bubba sleeps when he wants and eats when he wants. I look for his cues.
Huckleberry says he should be up 1.5 hours ummm Hahahah yeah right. My son starts to yawn and rub his eyes around 45-55min mark so I start winding down and get him to sleep as soon as possible.
It's made me more relaxed - yeah I'm tired as hell - but who the Hell said motherhood was easy. Only those Mamas with chill babies but no motherhood is ad it is.

I was lucky to see a Paediatrician who opened up to me and said her experince with her 2 children with "bad" high needs babies who needed to be driven around 2 hours to sleep that was 3X a day!!! This lasted for months! She is a Paediatrician and she struggled.
There is no magic formula or quick fix. Even though there are "professionals" selling quick fixes I.e sleep consultants. Amd taking money from desperate parents to teach them CIO in its different forma and fancy names.

@SilverGlassHare

Lots of babies do need to sleep but fight it. And if they don’t nap, they struggle later in the day.

Exactly! I don't think people realise, if they've only had easy babies that just drop off wherever they are. Some babies (/people) are more intense and distractible and really do need some help to doze off. And if you miss the "tired window" then you've got an overtired baby that is screaming blue murder for hours no matter what you do to try to soothe them.

How is your baby sleeping now OP?
My baby is 10 weeks old and sounds exactly like yours. He's been like it from day 1. Yesterday he was awake for 15 hours. Literally don't know how he does it. I've been reading some of the comments and the one about letting them just fall asleep when they are tired would not work for us. My baby cries a lot, even more so when over tired and just does not drop off by himself. Hope you're ok, it's so hard.

@lottie198 Look at the information by Georgina May..you can follow her on Instagram or join her Facebook group. She also has a website with a mini course that I found really helpful. She talks specifically about babies with low sleep needs that don't sleep much.