Please Tell me it Gets Better - 6MO Sleep

[MintGreenLife]

We are five weeks into hourly wakeups and it’s killing me. He started waking every hour, after being an ok sleeper (waking 2-3 times a night). At first this felt hellish, but slowly over time he’s got increasingly difficult to get back to sleep, and put down. Sometimes it can take hours and 10+ goes at getting him in his cot, for him to wake again 40 minutes later.

He is EBF and will only fall asleep feeding or with rocking. He’s never fallen asleep by himself, and I’m starting to feel like this is the source of the problem. Things just seem to be getting worse and worse, no matter how much effort I put in to his daytime naps and bedtime routine. He also wakes up screaming, and picking him up doesn’t calm him at all. He will continue screaming until he finally drops back off from rocking (can take 10 mins with him crying the whole time) l, or I feed him.

Where are we going wrong?! Can someone please advise! I’m currently sat at 3.30am with him sleeping on me (which I haven’t done in months) but I just can’t carry on with this never ending battle to get him asleep, in his cot, and get him to stay there for more than half an hour 😭

@Smurf123 DS is exactly the same. Occasionally he cries out and I look at the monitor, and he drops off again, so like you say, he can do it!

@SexPeopleLynn thanks so much for your advice. I just don’t know what you do if the Ferber method makes them scream even more? He will be crying, and then we go in and stroke his hair or whatever to try and resettle him, and this just makes him cry more. How can you ‘resettle’ them when they just get more and more worked up every time you go in?

@MintGreenLife god our babies sound so so similar - my little girl is exactly the same!! Yesterday she had a total of 45 minutes sleep ALL DAY! And that was with a swimming lesson too!! She just refuses to sleep for longer than 15 mins at a time, and that requires bouncing/rocking/feeding/car ride to happen!! It is relentless isn't it 😭. I have more patience in the day but by night I find it so so tough. It is so hard, I'm sure one day we'll look back and forget it but right now it feels all consuming! Xx

The feeding / rocking to sleep isn't a "problem" really don't think you need to feel bad about this

He's 6 months and it's normal he needs help at the moment to get back to sleep
If you're breastfeeding it's the quickest way he'll go back off ... why are you spending more time trying to rock him...

Have you heard of possums it's a good source of support if you don't want to go down the controlled crying route

education.possumsonline.com/programs/sleep-program

@MintGreenLife not sure if this is what you have notes for, but you're not moving gradually away in one evening - rather the first few evenings you're sat right there stroking, patting etc until they fall asleep, then move the chair further away and reduce the interaction for the next few nights etc, until you aim to just put them down and leave on night ten. That was what we did. It's good if you're worried about leaving them to cry, as right up until night ten you are there with them while they fall asleep. Having said that, our DD cried a lot roughly nights 4 - 7 - she seemed to find it very frustrating to have us in there but not actively doing much to help her get to sleep, and was kind of crying angrily at us IYSWIM - she might have actually done better with just being left (ie. the dreaded cry it out) - I think what works will be different for every baby, dependent on their temperament etc. In terms of how to deal with the crying - she took about 35 mins to fall asleep on the first night, we were told the average is 50 mins so we were obviously quite lucky. One tip we used was to do 20 min shifts in there with her (other person timing religiously), which makes it seem more bearable and the one of us not in there with her wore sound cancelling headphones to get a bit of a break from it. The truth is that at bedtime they will fall asleep eventually due to the sleep debt they have accrued by that time - it could take hours but if it's over an hour you're likely one of the unlucky ones, but yes there are some people for whom these approaches apparently don't work. Only you can know what you're comfortable with and what you feel your child can manage - for us, by 7 months it was very clear that DD didn't particularly want to feed to sleep (it took ages and she would pull off a lot and try to settle herself on me without feeding before giving up and going back on the boob) so it was clear that it was time to give her an opportunity to get herself to sleep and this was how we did it. Also - we did use a sleep consultant, even though the method we used is obviously well explained in various parts of the internet. If you can afford it, we found it really helpful for two reasons - firstly the hand-holding through what can be a stressful/emotional endeavour, and secondly it meant we had one person to go with questions/doubts/need for troubleshooting - I'm a chronic over-researcher and had spent so much time going round in circles about how to deal with the situation up to that point. Being able to essentially hand the thought process over to someone else felt really helpful. Whatever you decide to do - good luck. Sleep deprivation on that level is absolutely brutal.

Oh also - if you do go ahead with it, you should definitely switch to the new approach for bedtime and all naps. If you're trying something new at bedtime but doing it the old way at naptime she'll get horribly confused, which will make the whole thing harder. I was dreading naps most of all but actually after our first bedtime had worked (you start with a bedtime), it was never that bad. And having her nap not on me/in a pram was an absolute game-changer in terms of our well-being.

@Shmerlock well at least we’re not alone 😂 he’s such a sleep fighter! His eyes glaze over but he keeps them wide open and can fight it for ages 🤦🏻‍♀️ Most of the time once he’s asleep I can manage to get him to sleep 40-50 mins, so I guess one sleep cycle, but he’s such a light sleeper, so any noise in the house will wake him. We have to play music all night otherwise even the dog digging around in her bed (🙄) wakes him up…but then again he’s waking so much anyway. It does doesn’t it. My fear is how long it will go on for - will it actually get better?!

@Etherealhedgehog thanks for all the tips ☺️ Yep this is the method that I read in the book ‘sleep solutions’. Only thing is the book said for one parent to do it at a time and do two nights on two nights off, and to start with non-breastfeeding parent. We’ve literally just managed pram naps in the last week or so and it’s so much better! Do you think I’ll need to try and change from pram naps to cot naps? I’m not ready to mess around with that to be honest 😂

@milkieway thanks, will check this out x

@milkieway oh and I’m rocking to sleep sometimes to try and break the feeding to sleep pattern/ avoid creating a habit of needing to feed every hour/ because this way my husband can help settle him too x

@MintGreenLife totally get that! I think the important thing is not to confuse them by continuing with the method you're trying to drop (in this case, feeding and rocking). If pram is a separate thing only at naptime then hopefully that won't be an issue - but I guess they're all different, who knows!

You absolutely can't create any "bad habits" at 6 months
They change SO quickly usually irrespective of what you do or don't do. So I would absolutely do what is the easiest quickest way to get him off to sleep at the moment. The whole rod for your own back thing is a load of rubbish! The more comfort I gave my DS (who also didn't really sleep!) the better it got for us over time - he sleeps brilliantly now and needs very little support from me at nighttime. They DO get there

It sounds like he's just not quite ready to be in his own room away from you at the moment - it won't be forever that he wants to be this close to you.

Similarly with naps I'd just be doing whatever works for you at the moment, sleep is sleep it doesn't matter where it happens

When my youngest got to 6 months his sleep dramatically got worse over night he was waking only once and then it was at least a few times each night! We co-slept the whole time from birth and that helped because although he woke he never actually cried or was really loud, he just fussed a bit found a boob and fell back to sleep whilst feeding. I managed to find a position that meant he could feed from either breast without me having to roll over or change positions so there was minimal disruption. It did end by a year he was sleeping through and we then moved him to a cot. I found it was a matter of doing whatever I could to keep him quiet so I didn't have to properly wake up each time!

[quote MintGreenLife]@SexPeopleLynn thanks so much for your advice. I just don’t know what you do if the Ferber method makes them scream even more? He will be crying, and then we go in and stroke his hair or whatever to try and resettle him, and this just makes him cry more. How can you ‘resettle’ them when they just get more and more worked up every time you go in?[/quote]
OP I feel for you so much. Firstly, well done for EBF! You’ve done an amazing job and as others have said, what you’re experiencing is ‘biologically normal’. That doesn’t mean it’s compatible with sanity. I couldn’t cope with the waking every 90 mins, especially because it took me 60 mins to go back to sleep once he was down. It’s a recipe for disaster for people who struggle with sleep deprivation.

You’ve had loads of advice, some of it conflicting (understandably). I am responding because my baby would never be soothed by stroking/patting. He actually needed space. I used an adaptation of controlled crying where instead of just popping in every 3/5/8 mins, you pick them up and hold them and calm them completely at each interval before putting them back in the cot. Even if they then go beserk (and they will, it’s a protest because babies hate change), they must be totally 100% calm before you put them down. The rationale: psychologically, baby knows you will come and completely meet their needs. They also have the chance to learn to settle themselves and calm themselves down for sleep. I did intervals like 2/2/4/6/8/10/2/1/6/6 (basically adapting according to his cries).

Other notes: use a comforter, stick it in your bra for a night beforehand, and let them have it in the cot to use to comfort themselves during the intervals.

Also commit to doing it: once you’ve started, you cannot give in. It’s not fair on either of you. So: I did 1h30 on night 1. 1h on night 2. No crying at all on night 3. Baby was 6 months 1 week exactly. He woke for feeds until 8 months and then has slept 12h/night ever since. Naps perfectly too. He’s 19 mo now!

Good luck. You and baby deserve good sleep x

@milkieway to be honest for us feeding isn’t the quickest way. He doesn’t unlatch himself, so I try after 10-15 mins, but he almost always wakes and relatches. This will happen a few times until he’s properly asleep. Then when I stand up to put him down ge stirs, so I have to rock him for a good five minutes before I can put him down. Putting him down wakes him, and so I have to pick him up, rock him again, and after 3-4 tries he may finally stay in his cot, only to wake 50 minutes later. I’ve tried cosleeping and he still wakes every hour and I get very uncomfortable stuck in one position all night, to the point where I end up with neck and shoulder pain. This started two weeks before we moved him into his own room, and him being in his own room hasn’t made it any better or worse.

@LabradorFiasco thank you, it’s so tough 😭 what I worry about is the fact that even now when he wakes crying in the night, picking him up makes no difference, in fact he just gets angrier and throws his head back, so I don’t think I would be able to calm him between intervals to be honest. It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is and what will work 😭

@LabradorFiasco p.s I think a comforter would really help, as he has one for naps (supervised), but as the safe sleep guidelines say nothing in the cot before 1 year, this makes me really nervous x

@Cotswoldmama I tried cosleeping and I just hated it. I would get so uncomfortable, would hardly sleep because it made me anxious, and would ache all over the next day 😭

What is making you anxious about cosleeping?
This is evidence based information on baby sleep from Durham university. Worth a look www.basisonline.org.uk

Totally get trying to put him in a cot will be waking him up. I never achieved getting mine in a cot - it was such a relief to get rid of it the blummin thing. If you share the same sleep space you can feed lying down and roll away. I had some bad aches and pains to begin with too when I started cosleeping but it was waaaay better than getting up all the time in the night and honestly after a few nights my body just got used to sleeping in a new position and i still sleep like that now. Then after a while baby just started sleeping longer stretches again.

You do what's right for you to get through whether it's cosleeping or doing the sleep training - they all start sleeping anyway at some point whatever you do.

[quote MintGreenLife]@LabradorFiasco thank you, it’s so tough 😭 what I worry about is the fact that even now when he wakes crying in the night, picking him up makes no difference, in fact he just gets angrier and throws his head back, so I don’t think I would be able to calm him between intervals to be honest. It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is and what will work 😭[/quote]
Bless you, I remember the backbreaking tiredness and constantly crying about everything, thinking it would never end.

I should have clarified: sometimes it would take me 10-15 minutes to calm him down at the intervals. My son would be arching, flailing, hitting, really upset and shouting at me. I did whatever it took - a bit of boob, rocking, gentle singing… When my husband took over he could usually calm him in about 5 mins, and towards the end of night 2 in about 1 min. It’s a tough slog but they do eventually calm down, even though it seems impossible when you first pick up this furious little being.

With the comforter, we introduced it once we had practised lots of ‘removing things from our face’ games and checked him on the monitor at regular intervals throughout the night. He only has his elephant comforter, no blankets etc. We were comfortable with it and it really helped us. But totally appreciate your perspective, you have to do what you’re comfortable with.

I hope it gets better soon!!! Nobody can underestimate the mind-destroying exhaustion of sleep deprivation plus angry baby who is always tired! x

Tonight has just been horrendous. If you asked me a few weeks ago if I thought things could get worse I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but they have. He hasn’t gone in his cot for more than 30 minutes at a time during the whole night, and even that’s only happened around three times. I feel awful, but I left him crying for quite a while at one point as nothing I did seemed to make any difference, in fact I just seemed to be making him angrier, so I thought I’d nothing I was doing helped then surely he would be more comfortable in his cot instead of being held while he thrashed around. Now I’m worried I’ve done the wrong thing and made things even worse 😭

You poor thing! I know it's not much help now but it really will get better. Is there a way of ensuring you get a block of sleep at either the begining or end of the night? Could you go to bed early at say 8 and your husband looks after the baby then until 12, or at say 5am until 9am. At least then you'd have a solid few hours in a row. Even typing that I'm thinking it wouldn't be possible I remember doing something like that but being able to hear crying just meant I couldn't sleep anyway. but it might be worth a try. I do remember being told that even if your not asleep to try to rest as much as possible. I returned to work at about 8 months and until then I was quite lazy. I would rest when he napped. I used to wrap him in a blanket whilst nursing him and then gradually move him off my boob then slightly away from my body and then into a premade cushion nest on the floor! And sometimes he would sleep like that for a couple of hours, he needed to feel held! Other times I just let him nap on me and I half dosed. I hope you get some respite soon x x

So sorry it's been so hard - I hope you can get some rest today

you're fighting so hard to get him in the cot in his own room ... I think there comes a point you have to ask if that's worth it at the current moment in time for you

Does he get upset if you feed him when he wakes at night?

I think people can give all the advice in the world and sometimes then that gets overwhelming in itself, it's okay to get things "wrong" sometimes your baby doesn't need you to be perfect they learn we're all human

Is he usually happy enough in himself during the day?

@MintGreenLife we had a similar night dh eventually got up at 6 and took dd for a walk in the pram and she's been asleep in it since!
My ds was always a terrible sleeper as a baby from the get go all I can say is it does get easier and 99%he now sleeps through. He was18 months before I have in and did also training with him- dh did bedtime no feeds And he went in and out to reassure him which did nothing but make ds scream louder but within 3 days it was a major change and eruption a week he was sleeping through. I do think of do it earlier I'd with dd if needed but I need her to be feeding enough during the day and not teething etc before I do so we aren't ready yet. But it is rally hard right now in the midst of it.

@Cotswoldmama we did that this morning - my husband took him 6am-9am, he also gets up a few times in the night and rocks him to sleep too, so it’s not all on me, thank god. He naps in the pram, but it’s very unpredictable as to how long for. I started back at work in January, only two afternoons a week and from home thank god, but I’m not sure if the work I’m doing is any good when I’m so exhausted 🤦🏻‍♀️

@milkieway I do feel very much like I’m fighting against him, I’m not sure why 😭 I guess I’m just desperate to get an hours sleep here and there if I can. No feeding does settle him down usually, but like I said, that’s a long process in itself. Thing is I don’t think moving him back into our room would make any difference, as this all started while he was still in with us.

He’s better now I’ve got him taking regular naps. He is generally a more high maintenance baby, compared to others I’ve spent time with. Both myself and my DH are fairly sensitive people, and I’m introverted, and I think DS is very much of the same nature and can be easily overwhelmed/needs a lot of extra reassurance from me x

Aw yea course you must feel that desperation and that's normal to feel that way it's so so hard ! I really hope things settle soon

Youre right it wont stop the wake ups immediately to bring him back in with you as it's likely just a developmental phase at the moment that he's going through meaning he is waking more wherever he is. But it could enable you to be more rested because you'd be able to settle him more quickly and easily until he comes out the other side of this phase. He sounds very much like my DS was to be honest and in terms of temperament.

I've attached a picture of what we did which saved my sanity to take 1 side of the cot down and attach to our bed this worked really well for a while around this age

he's likely getting upset being rocked as he just wants the breastfeed - as that's his safe place / comfort to sleep and that's really normal/common with many EBF babies that any other means of trying to settle just don't work at this age at night, but that does usually change as they get abit older . The problem is putting him down after a feed at the minute like you say which is why the only way I found that worked was feeding lying down and then rolling away