How do you get your baby to sleep?

[Hopeisaprison]

FTM with 14 week old feeling completely overwhelmed by all the advice on how you should approach sleep. I feel like I'm always doing it all wrong.

I feel like I must be the only one who's baby feeds to sleep at night and then gets put down when asleep. Are other people's babies really able to be put down when drowsy but awake as per the advice?? And don't even get me started on daytime naps! Baby still wants to be held.

I have read all the stuff and I fully understand the principles of teaching your baby how to be able to fall asleep without too much "help"...but this just seems completely impossible.

I feel like I'm messing it all up.

OP, I was you almost nine years ago. If you only take one thing from this thread, let it be this:

IGNORE ALL OF THE BOOKS AND ADVICE AND DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY.

I fed my first child to sleep until we got a dummy. I held him for naps. I cuddled him to sleep at night until he was a year old. I spent the first five months of my life so stressed out and anxious about his sleep, I ended up with anxiety and PND. It wasn't until DH said to me about not messing up his sleep because he slept through the night that I realised what we were doing was working and to just go with the flow.

I wish I'd ignored all of the advice and just gone with what worked. I did that with my second baby. I couldn't always hold him for naps because I had a toddler by then too. But I just let him nap as we went along.

*his life

Hahaha. Drowsy but awake. This brings back nightmares. My babies were never drowsy but awake.

It's normal for your baby to need you. You don't have to teach them to sleep by themselves and you aren't doing anything wrong.
My DS never slept in a cot, could never be put down "drowsy but awake" and I never taught him how to put himself to sleep. I knew it would not work for us as he needed a lot of contact for comfort. So I just adjusted my expectations of him and ignored what everyone else said. He's 2 now and still cuddles to sleep although left by himself once asleep. We do go to him if he needs comforting throughout the night and still cosleep if he needs it. He's happy, we are happy. Just do what's best for your family and baby. Whatever that may be.

Stop reading advice (all babies are different) and find what works for you, 100% of babies stop feeding to sleep eventually. If it works for them when young then amazing - you’re their comfort

My baby is 14 weeks old tomorrow and I could have written your post word for word!

If its working for you/baby carry on, I spent so much time trying drowsy but awake/ self settling with DS1 getting myself so stressed and upset I really regret it

Going with thr flow with ds2 and a much calmer mummy this time as I know I won't be feeding/rocking him to sleep at 3!

Do what makes you happy and let's you sleep most.

I tortured myself with all the sleep training that did nothing for DC1. Ended up feeding to sleep till 16 months when I was home but if I was working (from 5 months I worked long hours 3-4 x a week) DC was cuddled to sleep by DH. We laid next to DC till around age 2 to get to sleep then had 3 nights of tantrums and DC goes to bed nicely. Still wakes up at times and is up by 6am but that's DC1s personality.

DC2 is nearly 8 months and initially went down in crib but now needs feeding to sleep, or motion in pram or carrier. I'll keeping attempting to transfer to cot because sometimes I get an hour or two and eventually DC2 will sleep in cot or bed independently. The difference is second time around that if DC2 needs to be close to sleep, and that's how I get to sleep most then I'll go with that and not exhaust myself attempting to meet our cultural expectation of babies sleeping through the night independently. It all passes so quickly getting as much sleep as possible so you can enjoy it is important.

4 months old. Feed to sleep always unless he falls asleep in the car or on a walk in his pram or sling.

At night feed to sleep initially and then again at every waking and let him sleep on me for a wee ten minutes before I pop him back in the next-to-me. If he occasionally can't settle then I co-sleep.

The idea that they'll come to "rely" on breastfeeding, cuddling, rocking etc is utter madness to me. They are babies. Comfort them.

My routine is bath, bedtime story, dim lights and then feed to sleep and cuddles alternated for as long as he needs to fall asleep. Doesn't take long. Rarely need white noise anymore but that can be useful too.

Both of mine randomly taught themselves to self settle at around five months. But, this followed a painful couple of weeks where they stopped falling asleep on a bottle and wouldn’t be rocked to sleep but were crying with tiredness. I did loud white noise and rocking the crib for a couple of weeks until they thought oh so I can just fall asleep myself, ok then.

Naps I’ve always done in a covered buggy with white noise, rocked to sleep.

FYI, this method is not foolproof. Despite being able to self settle DD1 was a truly shitty sleeper until she dropped naps at 18m, and even now wakes regularly with nightmares. DD2 is nearly 6m, self settles easily yet wakes a bazillion times a night and ends up in with me at 4am.

Don’t sweat it, I think there are things you can do to help but some children just don’t sleep well, or struggle to self settle or aren’t keen on napping. Aim for survival and work from there.

Feeding to sleep is biologically normal. It's not a failure. I can't even put my baby down when he's asleep so he sleeps in my arms

Thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it and I'm taking on board all the helpful comments.

I think feeling overwhelmed and overthinking the sleep thing is actually indicative of how I'm generally feeling. I feel like I'm getting it all wrong and not doing very well at being a mum to my little boy.

I fed both of mine to sleep, never gave it a second thought! Never read a single baby book I think they should burn the lot!

@Hopeisaprison

Thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it and I'm taking on board all the helpful comments.

I think feeling overwhelmed and overthinking the sleep thing is actually indicative of how I'm generally feeling. I feel like I'm getting it all wrong and not doing very well at being a mum to my little boy.

You're doing just fine. Do what works for you and your son and take anything anyone else says with a very large pinch of salt. You know what works for him and that's that.

With both mine I put them down drowsy but awake from day one. I never, ever rocked them to sleep.

They were both able to self settle and slept through from 8 weeks. I don't think that was just down to luck.

Dd did go through a sleep regression at around 2 and we just went back to basics. It pretty much worked itself out.

I will say tho learning to self settle it's such an important skill to teach babies, it must be really distressing for them when they become more aware and wake up to nobody being there and not knowing what to do.

I've fed all 3 of mine to sleep. They've all been not bad sleepers. Put them down asleep after they've been lying on me for a bit.
Currently my 1 year old lies on me in the living room, dim light, TV on and she has her bottle and falls asleep, then about 30 mins later I put her in bed.

As someone who stressed a fair bit about all of this when my son was a baby, my conclusion is that babies do go through lots of bad (or at least changing and therefore confusing) phases with sleep - and most of the advice out there stems from people seeking solutions and others really wanting to help. The reality IMO is that, yes, to a degree babies need to learn how to go to sleep. But you don't need to teach them this! It's like walking and feeding themselves - they learn, it just takes time. The absolute best thing you can do is make sure they feel anxiety-free when trying to sleep. Feeding to sleep is so lovely as a mum - I wished I could have done it more but my son had silent reflux so I couldn't lay him down after a feed until lots of burping had occurred so it wasn't really an option for me in the early days. Enjoy it and remember that actually these habits are pretty quick to change in babies.

Feeding or cuddled

Mostly feeding to sleep

She's 7 months now

Please don’t worry, what you and you’re babies are doing is the biological norm for our species. Both my babies have been like yours and fed to sleep. I saw this quote from The Gentle Sleep Book’s Facebook page (great book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith) earlier today which you might find reassuring (it has pics of babies breastfeeding - ‘this’ = feeding to sleep)

“This is not a bad habit
This is not a sleep prop
This is not a problematic sleep association
This is not the cause of night waking
This is not something to be avoided in the pursuit of ‘self settling’.

Cuddling and feeding to sleep is the biological norm for our species. The hormones released from the close physical contact, and milk itself if you breastfeed, provide the most perfect chemical environment for sleep. Babies feel safe and secure, which only means good things for sleep. I have worked with thousands of parents and I can categorically say that feeding and cuddling to sleep is NOT a problem and does NOT make sleep harder/the baby wake more.

The mistaken pursuit of ‘self settling’ is far more of a problem. It makes parents anxious and causes a great amount of needless upset for babies who are not neurologically or physically mature enough for such a complex task. Please - feed and cuddle your babies to sleep guilt free!

Note: ‘self settling/soothing’ indicates the baby was not calm and has had to do something to rectify their environment and emotions in order for sleep onset to happen. Babies who are happier to go to sleep independently are NOT self soothing, they are already calm - they have nothing to settle! In this instance, it is 100% respectful parenting to meet your baby’s needs by leaving them to go to sleep alone, conversely trying to cuddle or feed them to sleep against their needs would not be respectful or gentle. The key is following your baby’s cues and meeting their needs (whether that’s for dependence or independence).

If you’d like some tips to improve your baby or toddler’s sleep gently - check out the newly updated edition of my Gentle Sleep Book:

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@Hopeisaprison there is no one on this planet who is a better mum to your little boy than you are