Cry it out - how long?

[MissMollieO]

My son is 13 months and still not sleeping through the night.
Things are getting much worse since he has turned one and I don't understand why.

He has genuinely slept right through the night (6.30-6 or 7-6.30) about 9 times in his life.

Our Health Visitor has advised we try Cry it out as nothing else is working.
She gave us a plan of 5 minute (verbal reassurance), 10 minutes (verbal reassurance) then 15 minute intervals.

Firstly, how long do we leave him with these 15 minute intervals? My son would cry for hours and has. He is also so loud I don't feel comfortable leaving him to cry as my neighbours can hear him (we have given them a heads up) and you can also hear him from outside on the street.

Secondly, she said don't pick him up at all just verbal reassurance but how can I do that if I've to offer him water or check he isn't wet. He soaks through his nappy and sleep bag fairly regularly.

He is put down to sleep awake and will fall asleep on his own after his milk but the night waking are getting ridiculous. Some nights he can be awake for 4-5 hours or waking for the day at 4.30-5am.

Even at nap time he is able to fall asleep independently after a little moaning and protest.

He has blackout Blinds, we've tried the red/pink light, we use pillow sleep spray, he has constant white noise, we have tried offering water and even milk (this used to settle him but not now), we have tried sitting in the room, picking up, not picking him up but it's exhausting.

It is getting to the stage now my marriage is on the rocks because we are both so tired and argue all the time.

My son is so unhappy at night and gets himself into such a state I can only describe it as a panic attack.

Co sleeping isn't an option/doesn't work anyway. He just writhes around and then climbs out of our bed or climbs the headboard screaming.

He is on medication for reflux so we've ruled that out. He cannot possibly be teething every night for a year. We give calpol or teething power or gel when he has been particularly struggling with teething during the day.

Please help! I'm starting to worry there is something else going on with him.

Not what you want to hear but some just don’t sleep through no matter what you do.
I tried cry it out with ds (needed a hospital referral and they would only give me one if I tried harder to sort his sleep) I cracked after a fortnight of him howling for hours each night.
Not bothering with number 2, although she has had me up since 3
You can try and if it’s going to work it does fairly quick apparently. I’m not really keen but desperate times and all that.

We were desperate by 14 months as I was also pregnant. He was a strong willed little bugger, still is! We left him for 3 or 5 nights, can't remember. It was horrific and traumatic. Dh and I argued through the whole night as it was so stressful. Ours had never slept through, not even once. After the 3 or 5 nights of leaving him he slept through every single night after that and always has done and he's 10 now. It hasn't caused any issues! He's confident and well adjusted and we are very close. He just wanted to play in the night! After doing the initial checks that he was OK and just wanted to play, we literally just left him, wedding keep going back at set intervals as that would be quite confusing and would probably have just prolonged things.

Wedding is we didn't keep going back.

The second dc was much more chilled although had nigh terrors!! They scream and you go in but they are actually asleep. That was fun too!!! She would sleep for England now!!

I did a gentle version of controlled crying which worked. I left him for 2 mins. Then 4, then 6 then 8. Each time I went I tried to give him less contact but since I wasn't following the rule book too much I just made sure he was consoled before I left him. So sometimes that would mean a long rub on the back. I didn't talk or make eye contact though and tried to avoid picking him up. I would just lay him down again and put his blanket back on him.

It worked by night 3 it was so worth it.

I definitely couldn't leave him for as long as your HV has said. It was sort of heart breaking to leave it as long as I did but in the end it was totally worth it.

Good luck. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

It turned out my non sleeper had sleep apnea. She would wake so regularly and be crying straight away (no gentle pats or shush or whatver if they're stood screaming.).

She was terrified each time she woke. Its not uncommon and is due to big tonsils/adenoids. (She also got tonsilitis a lot!)

I am so glad in retrospect we didn't cry it out as in her case it wouldn't have worked and poor love was scared. 3 years of no sleep still gives me a slight panic when I think about it though.

@mayblossominapril how are you surviving?! I just feel so broken.

@Whataday21 this gives me hope. The probably is my husband cannot stand the crying and goes absolutely mental. I've told him to go and stay with his mum while I try and crack it bur he refuses and says he ain't leaving me to do it myself. But when he is here he isnt making it any better!!

Tough to negotiate.

@MeltedButter indeed. Especially when it's Been a year and my friends children of the same age and older all sleep well.

Makes me feel like a total failure.

@WoodenReindeer

See half the time my sons eyes are still closed but he is chewing his hand and moaning then progresses to crying then to full blown screams if he is left.

He chews his hand to settle to hard to know when it's just that or teething.

I think I'll take him to the GP for the once over or ask for referral.

I took him a while ago as I thought he might be having ear trouble but she said everything looked great.

Good luck. We didnt get anywhere until she turned 3 when they then did a sleep study and changed track very quickly. She also dribbled as a toddler a bit more than usual. Even jusy asking a medical person if she has big tonsils might be a clue (although the adneoids they didn't know until they operated.)

I really feel for you. Lack of sleep on a regular basis is soul destroying. I remember being anxious each time I heard her start to wake. And I was SO envious of those with good sleepers!

You are not a failure. You are sleep deprived. I had PND which more accurately was just a reaction to a lack of sleep.

Is he sleeping in his own room? Sorry if you've mentioned that already.

We were at breaking point at around 9 months with DD1 and DD2 who were both waking several times a night. They were waking up again before I had even managed to get back to sleep - probably 7/8 times per night.

Going back in to check/reassure just made them worse. Because we were at breaking point, so we just left them to cry. DD1 slept through after 3 nights. DD2 took a week. But then they slept through every night.

It was absolutely the right thing for us because we just couldn’t have gone on as things were. We moved to as far away as we could in the house and just left them to cry. The few nights was totally worth it for us.

@MeltedButter yes he's been in his own room since 6 months of age.

He used to only be up once a night for a bottle which was a pain but manageable.

My friends complain when their baby is up early or during the night for one night when I've had this for a year now.

Also doesn't help that their babies have slept through for months now. Some since 8 weeks old. It's soul destroying.

I queried PND with my health visitor but she said I'm just majorly sleep deprived.

I just can't see a way out and it's affecting my health, my work life and now my relationship.

@CherryMaple I would totally be up for this but as I said my husband just goes mad with the crying. He used to be the patient one who would sit for hours and comfort him bur he's at his wits end too now.

As I mentioned I've told him to go and stay away for a week and I'll try to crack it but he says no so I don't know what to do.

I can't force him out but he isn't helping the situation.

Is he walking?

@Whataday21 yes just started in the past week or so. Still wobbly but mobile.

Also doesn't help that their babies have slept through for months now. Some since 8 weeks old. It's soul destroying

For a start don’t take it as the truth. I found people’s interpretation of “sleeping through” was very flexible, and also there’s some weird bragging rights thing as if you’re a better parent, or you have a better baby if they sleep through. One mum said to me very smugly that 12 month old little tarquin had been “sleeping through” since 6 weeks. Turned out she meant midnight to 5 am. Made me feel way better about mine waking twice for feeds still- at least they went to sleep at 7 and woke at 6.30. People tend to bend the truth a little to make them feel less of a failure.

I personally hate cry it out. I think it’s so tough on baby and parents. I remember being left to cry as a child and it was awful, even when older. That moment when you realise no one’s coming.

Have you tried him in your room, or a bed next to his cot in his? So you can reach and pat as soon as he stirs? Does he have a dummy? Can you co sleep for a while?

I would do whatevers easiest, whatever works best and whatever gets you the most sleep and the least stress. It is just a phase, so don’t worry about rods and backs etc. bringing him into your room/bed now doesn’t mean he’ll still be doing it at 13! You need sleep, so do what works for you.

Sorry to hear your husband isn't cooperating. Do you think you can persevere with that? Ask him if he'd prefer to do it the other way round? You leave him for a few days?

My 2 year old has never slept through. It gets easier when they can communicate better ans there are a lot of changes at 13 months so may be a particularly bad phase.

I didnt know ANYONE whose babies had slept through unless vigorous sleep changing.

Please don't listen to other people's stories about their babies. That really won't help you

My ds1 slept through at about 13 months but ds2 was about 2 and then had periods of waking during the night

I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know you aren't alone, it's exhausting but you will get through this

We went through a phase of dh and I going to bed at 8 just so we got some precious sleep before the inevitable wakings!

@MeltedButter I think the issue is he feels he couldn't do it so he doesn't want to leave me.

So doesn't matter if I go or he goes he doesn't want to leave me alone. I've tried to explain it to him but he isn't listening.

He doesn't cope at all at night then during the day he's like right let's go for it tonight then the first minor thing he goes nuts.

@JeanBrash that's exactly what I do. Go to bed as soon as he is in bed so get at least some sleep.

This again means though my relationship is suffering. We never have time together really.

@Nomoreusernames1244 even when he was in our room when he was younger he was still waking frequently.

We have tried when he's been ill sleeping with him in his room but still the same.

I actually thing going in to settle/reassurance him/offer him anything makes him more wound up.