Cry it out - how long?

[MissMollieO]

My son is 13 months and still not sleeping through the night.
Things are getting much worse since he has turned one and I don't understand why.

He has genuinely slept right through the night (6.30-6 or 7-6.30) about 9 times in his life.

Our Health Visitor has advised we try Cry it out as nothing else is working.
She gave us a plan of 5 minute (verbal reassurance), 10 minutes (verbal reassurance) then 15 minute intervals.

Firstly, how long do we leave him with these 15 minute intervals? My son would cry for hours and has. He is also so loud I don't feel comfortable leaving him to cry as my neighbours can hear him (we have given them a heads up) and you can also hear him from outside on the street.

Secondly, she said don't pick him up at all just verbal reassurance but how can I do that if I've to offer him water or check he isn't wet. He soaks through his nappy and sleep bag fairly regularly.

He is put down to sleep awake and will fall asleep on his own after his milk but the night waking are getting ridiculous. Some nights he can be awake for 4-5 hours or waking for the day at 4.30-5am.

Even at nap time he is able to fall asleep independently after a little moaning and protest.

He has blackout Blinds, we've tried the red/pink light, we use pillow sleep spray, he has constant white noise, we have tried offering water and even milk (this used to settle him but not now), we have tried sitting in the room, picking up, not picking him up but it's exhausting.

It is getting to the stage now my marriage is on the rocks because we are both so tired and argue all the time.

My son is so unhappy at night and gets himself into such a state I can only describe it as a panic attack.

Co sleeping isn't an option/doesn't work anyway. He just writhes around and then climbs out of our bed or climbs the headboard screaming.

He is on medication for reflux so we've ruled that out. He cannot possibly be teething every night for a year. We give calpol or teething power or gel when he has been particularly struggling with teething during the day.

Please help! I'm starting to worry there is something else going on with him.

@Nomoreusernames1244 sorry no he doesn't have a dummy. He had one when he was younger but he wasn't never very loyal to it so we got rid at 6 months.

Co sleeping is not an option. I can't sleep if he's in bed and also as I mentioned he is able to climb out or climb the headboard and just screams and cries still.

He doesn't settle with us.

Regardless of how you decide to sort out the sleeping, it sounds as if your husband really needs to be made to stop playing the martyr card and get a decent nights sleep. Can you rope in MIL to help, to persuade him that him having a proper break would be more helpful. (I'm getting he impression that right now, due to his inability to cope with the crying, you wouldn't be keen on leaving your child alone with him, which is totally understandable, if you are then you need to go and get a decent nights sleep even if he won't). Also if you feel hard core crying it out will help then as much as it goes against every instinct then it may be your only option. Otherwise you need to figure out a system where you alternate nights with DH so you are both getting proper chunks of sleep, because two sleep deprived zombies is pointless and harmful as you've acknowledged. Good luck. Oh we did gradual withdrawal, but if you feel like your presence just winds things up again then it may not work.

It's very normal not to sleep through - my 15 month old never has, and most of the other babies I know have only done it a few times by this age. There are a lot of developmental leaps at around a year which contribute to bad sleep, as well as teething etc so the fact that it's got worse could be down to one of these factors.

Personally I could never do CIO but I understand you're at the end of your tether. Could you afford a proper sleep consultant rather then just your HV?

Could you get a sleep consultant in? It can help to have someone with a plan to help you through it.

By that age I wasn't changing nappies at night unless dirty or there had been a leakage.

When you say he cries for hours, is that with you going in and out? I found with one of my DC that every time we went in to settle her, it kind of "reset" her, and led to hours of anguish, but when we finally just stopped, it was a shorter period of crying that declined day by day . In 5 days she was sleeping 12 hours a night , crying 1-2 mins only when put down.

Have you tried just shutting the door and timing the crying?

One

It is extreme - and hard - but I was close to suicidal with sleep deprivation and after the 5 nights, everyone in the house was so much happier. Babies need their sleep too!

@Nowisthemonthofmaying @sybillalle

Definitely couldn't afford a sleep consultant.

I've asked my HV to refer me but she said it will takes months for a referral and that won't give me any other advice she hasn't already and also will just tell em to persevere more.

@sybillalle so generally he goes down fine. He had been waking at around midnight or 1am. He started moaning, eyes closed, chewing his hand. I leave him.
It then progresses to crying, I leave him then screaming and is standing or sitting in cot.

I've tried going in as soon as he stirs and also leaving him but nothing worksheet

He isn't wanting or needing Anything. Last night he settled twice in my arms, sound asleep then was awake again within minutes of being put back in his cot.

We eventually have in a gave him a bottle of milk and he slept for another 2 hours then awake again.

I find when I go in and reassurance him or pick him up he just goes mental and tries to push away or makes him worse.

@sybillalle that's my worry. I feel is is functioning on so little sleep that it cannot be good for his development.

I worry it will be detrimental in the long run.

I'm not suicidal but just so fed up with life. I hate work but I hate being at home listening to the crying and moaning as well as keeping a house running.

Then I dread the nights.

I used a sleep consultant on my son at 14 months and he was sleeping through within a week.

She's on Facebook, Goodnight Guidance, and did the full process remotely.

One of the main techniques I used was cot rocking. Put a book under 1 leg of the cot, and when you have to try and settle, go in and crouch at the bottom of the cot out of site and rock the cot.

The idea is that you want to settle but with minimal interaction.

So sorry to hear this OP! It's so exhausting when you're not getting enough sleep but still have to have enough energy to look after your dc during the day!

We were really lucky as DD slept through the night without waking since 8 weeks old. Since 3 months old she puts herself to sleep once being put down in the cot. Now this all sounds good and well but most days when we put her down for a nap (sometimes for bedtime) she'll cry because she's either overtired or just doesn't want to have a nap yet!

Similar to a pp we do a gentle version of cry it out. We leave her for a few mins, pick her up and take her to the window as she likes looking outside. May give her some water then try again. We'll then leave her for 5 mins and so forth. It's so tiring but usually by the fourth or fifth attempt she ends up drifting off.

I know this isn't really helpful but maybe do the cry it out method in small doses and see if that makes a difference? It is so tiring going back and forth to take them out of their cot tbh but that's the only thing I can think of that seems to work for us.

When we'd leave her to cry for long periods, she'd get so worked up and start shuddering because she's crying so much🙃 doesn't help anyone at all. Just makes it 10x worse imo! Hope you guys get some sleep soon

@MeltedButter

I did a gentle version of controlled crying which worked. I left him for 2 mins. Then 4, then 6 then 8. Each time I went I tried to give him less contact but since I wasn't following the rule book too much I just made sure he was consoled before I left him. So sometimes that would mean a long rub on the back. I didn't talk or make eye contact though and tried to avoid picking him up. I would just lay him down again and put his blanket back on him.

It worked by night 3 it was so worth it.

I definitely couldn't leave him for as long as your HV has said. It was sort of heart breaking to leave it as long as I did but in the end it was totally worth it.

Good luck. Sleep deprivation is the worst.

Same. Took two nights. Every time I left the room I would cry but less than 10 minutes first night and probably 5 or 6 second night. Get your husband to sleep elsewhere for the first night if he's not helping by being there!

It is v hard but still normal he's waking in the night especially at that age when lots of development happening and usually separation anxiety. With him settling well in your arms maybe it is separation anxiety playing a part at the moment for him, how long do you wait before trying to put him down from your arms? I found my little one needed a good 10mins before putting him down otherwise he would wake as in too light of a sleep before that point

I didn't realise this but baby sleep isn't linear it's very up and down within the first 2 years - but by around 20 months for us my little one just started going through the night

I hope things get better for you soon whatever you decide

Personally I would do controlled crying. Returning after period of time 2,4,6 or what ever you decide.

Your husband - well its going to sound horrible but he will have to get on board if you tried everything else. Ask your mil to chat with hubby, most of their generation would do cry it out, pretty much shut the door and ignore them 🤷🏼‍♀️so she probably knows the drill and probably will support you in this.

I had to do CC and oh was reluctant, so I said you can be here and help or you can go out. It's going to happen either way..... There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

We did it. Within a week she slept through mostly unless hungry etc.... Sometimes have to repeat when regressed.