Night time rows, is breaking up the only way forward?

[elkiedee]

Being woken up in the night by a crying baby is hard. But what's making it much, much harder is having my partner deliberately pick a fight over it. He's bottlefed (not by choice and something I'm sad about) and we agreed that on nights he wakes up one of us would change him and one would heat the milk. He cried in his sleep a few times tonight and had his dummy put back in but I decided we should do the routine - one changes, one gets milk ready. I was then told he was falling asleep on the changing mat and it was my fault partner was having to wake him up to change him. Well, no, he'd already woken up due to discomfort, probably teething more than nappy or hunger but nappy and food sometimes works and not doing either definitely won't.

I know my partner's tired but he's not the only one. It's horrible being woken up. But I can't handle having someone have a go at me in the middle of the f**ing night all the time. He was really nasty to me this morning as well, and I got the "I have to go to work" (I'm on maternity leave). To which I pointed out that he was finding it hard to deal with baby for half an hour, and hard to deal with being asked to wash a couple of dishes at the same time. How easy is it for me to be with a teething, mobile baby (7+ months) all day on limited amounts of sleep?

I work hard at putting a brave face on things, trying to keep calm and keep smiling. I'm sick of a partner who won't make any effort at all, who sulks and scowls and snaps and takes everything out on me. Grizzly baby, it's not his fault but I shouldn't have to deal with a grizzly petty spiteful supposed to be an adult as well.

I've told him a number of times, including tonight, that this could/will break us up, and he apologises, but he won't stop doing it and get a grip.

hellish, isn't it

we all go through it in one form or another

sounds like you need some ME time.

I don't know your family/friends circumstances and availability but is there anyway you could palm baby off on someone for three hours in the day and then go to the beauty salon/hairdresser/gin palace of your choice and chill?

It will give you back some confidence and self esteem to handle grumpy partner and take the edge off wanting to push him under a bus.

Although we all lose sight of it at the time (don't get me started on my story) it is VITAL to look after oneself when one has a small baby. Even if it is just an escape for a few hours.

HTH

Is it possible to go back on the initial decision seeing as it obviously isn't working out? The plan you have means both of you are losing sleep.

Maybe you can share the child care another way. Eg doing alternate night duty.

Your partner probably doesn't realise how hard it is being at home with a baby. But then again, if your baby naps, you have the possibility of catching up on your sleep and he doesn't have this option at work.

DH is pretty useless at night and anyway both babies were BF so what worked for us was me doing the minimum at home (using the DCs afternoon nap to have an hour of sleep) and him doing more housework than normal when he got home from work.

It does seem silly that you are both up in the night. My DH would only ever hear DS if he got really loud and I knew that I could catch up on sleep if necessary and DH had to go to work so I did the nights.

He pulled his weight in other ways - doing a huge supermarket shop every couple of weeks so that I only had bits to get in the week. He cooked most evenings. And most importantly I got to go back to bed at weekends and catch up on sleep.

Your current system isn't working because it is making you both tired. He doesn't need to be up in the night. If he was getting more sleep during the week maybe you could agree that he did the nights on Fri and Sat and then you get full nights sleep and a lie in on those days?

Elkidee - Sorry you are going through this. Lack of sleep really does turn the most placid person into a maniac at times.

The one thing that I can suggest from you post is a slight change... Unless D is suffering from nappy rash, I really wouldnt change his nappy when he wakes during the night, unless of course it causes him discomfort. We used to do this with C and found it just woke him up and made him even more grouchy.

Is there anyway that D will take the milk at toom temperature? Or could you get a bottle warmer to keep near your bed?

Agree that there seems little point in you both being up - should definatley try taking it turns then at least you are getting a better nights sleep every 1 in 2? The only thing with this is the person who is on duty needs to make sure that they are effiecent enough not to disturb the other one unecessarily... perhaps earplugs might help.

Agree with the bottle warmer idea - for night feeds I used to bring up a couple of bottles with just water in and leave by the bed - then when I would hear DS mooching I would warm a bottle up. If he woke and wanted it it was ready, if he didn't I just left it and re-heated it when he did want. Then had one of those formula dispensers and would just add the powder when necessary.

My first thought is:

Why are you changing the baby's nappy during the night. Unless it's really heavy or soiled, I really wouldn't bother. Not only is it costly, it's totally unnecessary.

I do think that if your partner is going out to work that in the week he should be able to sleep through the night. Then he will be fresher on the weekends to relieve you and do the weekend nights whilst you rest.

Just one more thing - I think at seven months, your baby probably doesn't need a milk feed (assuming you have started weaning). Have you tried just giving a bottle of water for a few nights and see if he/she settles themselves? Also, if the baby is not in his/her own room, it might be the time to start thinking about this if you aren't co-sleeping?

HTH

Thanks for the advice. We've made up the argument hopefully.

I've found that doing it this way and both waking up for a little while actually means we both go back to sleep faster. 30 minutes on Wed night when D woke before I'd gone to bed anyway but a 5 am wake up, 45 minutes last night but D slept until 7.15, and has dozed now.

We need to clear out D's room for him to move into.

My dp works some weekend shifts eg he's working this Sunday.

I can't count on or predict any of D's naps during the day and sorry, but I find being at home or taking him out during the day is rather more full on than being at work, tbh dp would acknowledge that he finds it more tiring/stressful looking after D and he's rarely on his own for such long periods of time without me being available to step in. Also, I take D out nearly every day - he naps and I don't. Yesterday efforts to get him to nap at home failed totally but he slept through most of our journeys between places. I'll be returning to work myself in less than 3 months and I can't wait for lunch breaks and stuff.

I tended to do most of the night feeds but dh did do a few of them too (bottlefed). We never changed his nappy at night after he was a few weeks old as if he wasnt pooey then a nappy change would wake him up more than just feeding him and putting him back to bed. We took the bottle of cooled boiled water upstairs along with a powder dispenser and added the powder when required. DS took it at room temperature so there was no need to heat it - in fact there was no reason to even leave the room - I used to feed him sitting in bed under the covers. He had a night feed till 8 months but after 6 months I began to limit what he had and we got him down to 4oz before he gave it up by himself.

Can you not change it round so you take it in turns to do the feed or have a few days at a time each so the other person can catch up on sleep - it seems a bit pointless (to me) to have both of you doing a task that could be done by one person while the other person sleeps.

Any chance that one of your parents can take the baby over night- just to let you both have some together time and a good nights sleep. It is important when you have a baby to have some grown up time and time to sleep. Letting my mum have DC for the weekend was the best thing that I did, I got some sleep, had a long hot bath and spent a little grown up time with DH.

It is definately worth considering x

Definitely drop the nappy change it is unnecessary unless your DS has done a poo or is soaked through.

I really feel that both of you having a disturbed nights sleep is rather ridiculous. Neither of you is getting a full night's sleep.

Can't one of you get up and do bottle (leave the nappy) and then the other one does the next night? That way every second night you are getting a full nights sleep.

It is hellish going out to work on very little sleep, having done it myself when I went back to work after having the children. It is much easier at home to decide to have an easy day, stay at home and potter than having to go to work and 'perform' IME. So I can sympathise with him a little, whilst not saying you have an easy time of it either.

Sharing the night duties is surely a much more sensible way of doing things.

Alternate nights does seem to be a good idea, as does losing the nighttime nappy change. Is unnecessary unless soiled/leaking.
Also definitely worthwhile is working at getting your ds settled for a nap at home at least once a day, because if he naps while you are out, you aren't reaping the benefit of time to recharge batteries.
I was breastfeeding, and when dd was about 7 months and ds was about 8 months I stopped feeding in the night more often than not. That also helped because it meant we could go from me doing every night shift to dh taking some of the nights on. But was very fortunate in that dh generally much less needful of sleep than me. Always has been and always will be. He is an owl.

I agree about saving yourself the hassle of changing nappies in the middle of the night. After a few weeks of age, it unusal for them to poo in the night and unless they have done a poo I wouldn't bother changing a nappy. Maybe as a last resort if the baby was not settling and I had tried everything else but not as a matter of routine.

I'm glad you have made it up with your DP though. Nothing worse than sleepless and being picked on in the middle of the night. Much worse than the day time.

I agree with those who say take it in turns to get up. You need to keep interaction with your DS to a minimum and if he is being handled by both of you it is more likely to keep him awake, especially if he can hear the two of you arguing. Better keep it quiet and subdued, get the bottle warmer in your bedroom and keep things as low key as possible.

I hope your sleepless nights will soon be at an end though and he starts to sleep through.

Agree with Buda's first post totally, good practical stuff. No nappy change unless shitty!

Also, we're going through this so am speaking from experience, you need to talk about this together but not in the night or when feeling narky (I realise this doesn't leave much!). We found if we wanted to talk we'd go for a drive so we could chat while DS slept! Even just so you can apologise/identify with each other/sympathise/find little ways to make each others' life easier. When DP is tired and grotty I get more out of him if I can find the energy to be nice and make him feel loved, and he does appreciate it and return the favour. It's all about survival.

we have been in this situation relatively recently. I used to do the night feeds as dh was working, but I agree that you don't necessarily get the chance to catch up on sleep in the daytime.

I worked hard at getting ds to sleep in his cot in the daytime - it DID take some cc, but it was mostly shh-pat to get him settled. Then I used to doze on the bed next to the cot while he fitfully slept. Either that or I would have a nap in bed with him in the daytime.

We ended up (now I am back at work) with taking turns at the morning shift at weekends (so we both could get a bit of a lie in) and taking alternate nights for the bottle when I had to get up for work.

dh also used to get arsey in the middle of the night. so I told him I wasnt going to be spoken to like that and if he couldnt be nice then he could bugger off. he is nice now!

but it is different getting up in the night and having to go to work compared to having to get up in the night and then have a baby all day. do you have someone who can come over some days to give you a break?

and can you get a flask of hot water to make the bottle with so you don't have to warm it?

Agree with the no nappy change if only wet (unless has nappy rash).
Take turns in who gets up to feed your ds.
Also agree with the fact that your dh doesn't have the opportunities at work that you have to catch up on sleep.
If your baby has a nap, get your head down too.
On the days your baby doesn't nap, have a very early night.
Sounds like you both need a break. Which isn't surprising if you've both been getting up every night for the last 7+ months.

DH and I have tended to be snappy with each other in the middle of the night. We found the best thing was to agree (in the light of day) that anything grumpy said at 3am just didn't count and we were both to ignore it. It's good that you have made up, so perhaps now would be a good time to agree on how best not to get stressed with each other in the night.

Everyone else has said it already but I would def. drop the nappy change. If you think it's teething then why not give Calpol at night, it might help settle him.

We were still doing night feeds at 7mo but DS is BF so slightly different situation. During really bad stretches DH would sleep downstairs on the sofa so I could bring DS into bed with me whenever it got too much, without me having to contend with a grumpy man too!

Hang in there, it's a really, really tough thing for any relationship to go through but it will not be forever.

I think we'll find a way through somehow. We have talked a little about what happened last night. One thing the advice here makes me think is that it really depends so much on your baby. What is a lazy day at home? My baby when he's awake is so full on trying to grab anything and everything that any nap of his is an opportunity to get my breath, finish my breakfast etc.

We haven't been getting up every night for the last 7 months - for at least 2 months he slept through more nights than not. Even now he sometimes sleeps through occasionally. The nappy change takes 5 minutes and if he does go back to sleep and doesn't wake up again it seems worth doing. This morning he at least slept through until 7.30 (back to sleep at 2.20) which felt a lot better than the previous night day - only awake for 30 minutes relatively early in the night but then he woke at 5 am and that was it for sleep.

much sympathy
how about you do one whole night alone so that he can get a whole night's sleep and is better the next day, then he won't be so grumpy and you can have a civilized conversation about it
then he can do the same for you so you recover, then you are both refreshed to start the new pattern you worked out during your civilized conversation? (i think this may be the way it works in fairyland.. )good luck and sympathy

i feel the same full time work was a doodle to being a sahm for me i did find taking a night each worked great there is realy no need for two people to deal with a change and bottle and that way youy could both get a night of unbroken sleep each

I have to agree with Tipex! My ds has had periods where he's woken up every hour and I haven't had a full nights sleep since he was 4 months old (13 months ago!) - I am about to go an post my own tale of woe. I think if your baby only wakes once a night it is unreasonable to expect dh to help. Once you're both working it is different. When my ds, at nine months, started waking 3 or more times a night I wanted my dh to help. He refused because he was starting a new job and needed to be able to perform. I said that was fine (well, it wasn't really - I was grumpy) but I wasn't getting up anymore either and we started cosleeping. It didn't do much to help with the waking but it helped me to cope. I also get to sleep in on weekends while dh takes ds out to get me a coffee .

A quiet day at home could involve lying on the ground in a safe spot while dc crawls around you. Or put dc in a jolly jumper or something like that while you relax. And try taking a nap lying together.

Definately don't play the "well, you got 3 mins more sleep than me" game. We did when we had DS and it nearly ruined us! We eventually started sleeping in shifts (he wasn't a great sleeper) and just being kind to each other. Now with DD, she's pretty much my problem as I'm, quite frankly, better at it all. She wakes every 45 or 90 mins and often does a 2 hour awake stint in the night. But I cope much better on limited sleep than DH! And I prefer being exhausted and having a grizzly DD than having a grumpy husband.

I do have to agree that if it was just one wakening then I'd say it's your problem... daft both being awake unless you really need help. I shouldn't think nappy changing would be necessary unless your DS is pooing or excessively weeing. My DSs nappies in the morning are so wet they could sink a battleship - but it doesn't seem to bother him!

Just make sure that if you do the night shift, your other half does his fair share. IMO, a lot of housework should be shared. My DH does almost all our meals (I do the kids) and if either child wakes before 7am they're DHs problem before he goes to work. I also get a lie in on a Sunday.

Oh, and it does suck a lot of the time. I've never been so knackered in my life (averaging 4-5 hours broken sleep a day for 10 months and was up with DS before that!) but it's not worth fighting over. We have a "whatever is said in the first year is forgotten" rule too.

One of the best things I've read on here is someones promise that however bad things got in the first 2 years of being a parent they wouldn't split up. It changes everything.

Agree with everyone that I can't see why you're making him more stimulated in the middle of the night by changing him. Pretty soon he shouldn't need a night feed either, and sleep should improve (maybe after a struggle to get him to accept that).

Be kind to each other; it does get better as they get older.