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When do you get sleep with a new born?

44 replies

jbtk · 30/09/2021 13:21

Hi all,
I am an emotional sleep deprived new mum needing to rant and to be told I am being over the top because I am tired. Sorry if this is just a long winded moan 😊
Just wanted to ask.. When do new mums have time to cook, clean, do the washing etc when you are breastfeeding on demand? And even more importantly, when do you get some sleep? My baby is 6 weeks and very colicky at night so between feeds he is in horrible distress with wind even when he is asleep so I don't get much sleep myself. During the day I am just soooo tired and my baby need constant attention or holding otherwise he gets so upset which adds to his wind trouble. I am at the point where I am too tired to put him in the sling and do anything. Not even showering or getting dressed anymore because it's too much effort and he gets upset if I put him down for too long. My husband isn't very supportive and just expects me to get on with everything. He does hold the baby and change his nappy so I can grab some food or tidy round but I am just so tired I don't want to do anything. He isnt supportive of me breast feeding and has really knocked my confidence making me worry that I am giving him enough milk. We do two formula bottles still because we were doing more bottle in the beginning when I had problems with breastfeeding as it turned out he had a lip and tongue tie and my nipples just couldn't take it. He had tongue tie snipped at 3 weeks and its making it better but still working on getting a good latch each feed. My husband thinks I should just bottle feed formula so doesn't seem to care that I am tired from the night feeding because its my fault apparently because I want to breastfeed. I said I was cold this morning because I was so tired while searching for a jumper (house also upside down with him doing DIY, but thats another story/argument) his response was.. Why you tired? I am fuming and can't stop crying. I struggled so much to get to the point where I can breastfeed without my nipples being so painful and now I feel like all that struggle was for nothing because I am so tired I can't function and my husband just tells me to formula feed him. I had been expressing and feeding him bottles at one point to try keep my supply up and feed him while he was in hospital having light treatment for jaundice but was finding it too much to breast feed and express. Didn't think I was getting enough milk to do both and again I felt like I had no time to sleep trying to do both and keep on top of sterilising stuff and remembering to feed myself.
Anyway... All that probably makes no sense coz I am too tired to read through and it's just me waffling on.
Think I just needed to get it off my chest!
Thanks to anyone that can be bothered to read my waffle xx

OP posts:
turnthebiglightoff · 30/09/2021 13:47

Google the 4th trimester, OP. It's a really hard time but is almost impossible unless your partner is supportive. Your husband has to do more, quite simply. It's pretty diabolical that he doesn't want to do more, so you need to have a Frank conversation with him to let him know he isn't pulling his weight and he needs to step up to the plate and be a dad.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 30/09/2021 13:52

That was really sad to read OP. Your husband is an unsupportive arsehole.
If baby is not sleeping because he is colicky then moving to bottles isn’t going to fix that and could make it worse.
I think the short answer is that it just isn’t possible to do all of the childcare and housework and get enough sleep, it needs to be a joint effort and it very much sounds like your partner is expecting you to do it all.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 30/09/2021 13:54

And have you tried any colic remedies, my DD was colicky and I found that gripe water helped, as well as tiling her cot slightly so her head was elevated. And it did pass by around 8-10 weeks.

Mommabear20 · 30/09/2021 14:06

Or DS is 10 weeks now and had colic, is loads better now! We found dentinox colic drops helped massively and healthy visitors suggested a warm bath before bed and massage his tummy while he's in the bath as the warm water will help with any pain and massage will help with wind.

And please don't take this as unsupportive, as it's certainly not intended to be but, while breastfeeding can be marvellous, it's not with your sanity and if you're not able to sleep because you're up all the time to feed it may help too Bottle feed, even if it expressed milk and only bottle during the night, so your DH can do his share and you can rest. The house work may seem important, but it's not, it'll still be there tomorrow! Your sanity and yours and baby's health is more important than anything.

jbtk · 30/09/2021 14:11

Because the house is such a state my husband is doing DIY when he finishes work so expects me to do everything else. The house is another stress point for constant arguing. I am living out of a suitcase with piles of stuff everywhere because he started doing the upstairs of the house when I got pregnant. All needed plastering, radiators, sockets moved etc so gutting and doing everything from scratch. He is so stubborn he wanted to do it all himself rather than waste money paying so people to get some jobs done quicker since he could only do it in evenings and weekends. I was so stressed because at 9 months pregnant I was still up ladders painting and sanding to get at least 2 rooms in a fit state to bring an new born too. Anyway, the house is still on going even though I had told him it would be really stressful having a new born and not having thing organised and him not being able to help as much if still doing DIY. It upsets me so much because we could have paid for somethings to be done quicker so I could have enjoyed my pregnancy more, had a nursery ready and felt more relaxed before and after the birth. So I still hate my husband for making everything more difficult and then still having to do DIY rather than things like cook dinner or do the washing to help me. Apparently I am spoilt for wanting everything done before the birth and other people manage doing DIY and having a baby so I am just moaning all the time. I feel so miserable in this house. Went to my mums for a week, they live far away and I was so happy and had a good routine going even though I had little sleep because baby is so colicky. As soon as I am back its constant shouting, arguing and me in tears, am miserable !! Even the smallest things set me off for example.. Hubby makes me a cuppa on a rare occasion. He puts it on a table away from me, I ask.. Please could you put it on this table next to me so I can reach it easily.. Having baby in my arms. He then goes off saying why can't i get up and get it from where he put it. It feels like he wants to be more difficult and upset me. It's loads of little things like this that it's hard to pinpoint why he isn't helpful or supportive because he will sit with the baby if I ask him too. It's like bullies at school that get away with being mean coz it's subtle and the way he says things that always upsets me. Is it coz I am so tired that I am taking everything to heart?

OP posts:
IactuallyHateMN · 30/09/2021 14:18

Your husband is a prick, can you leave and stay with family. This is not a normal start to life with a new baby he's an utter bastard Flowers

IactuallyHateMN · 30/09/2021 14:19

My heart breaks for you lovely. Please see if you can stay with family.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 30/09/2021 14:23

I remember feeling so vulnerable after DD was born. You need to be in a comfortable and supportive environment where you can focus on your baby, not stressed and upset all the time.

In your position I think I would be packing up and going to stay with my parents, on the pretence that it was until the house is back in order, but would use the space to reevaluate the relationship.

FluffMagnet · 30/09/2021 14:24

No you're not, that's just mean. As PPs have said, your H needs to step up and look after you and the baby. In the meantime your job is to keep your baby alive and well. Housework, cooking etc. is left for your H to do. And I would see if you can arrange a period where you go to bed, H stays up with baby and gives the formula/expressed milk and you get a solid chunk of sleep. Each night. You'll begin to feel much better, even if its 8pm-midnight.

Itsbeen84yearss · 30/09/2021 14:25

Having a newborn is hard and relentless. Unfortunately you could be in for many more more months of it. My first didn’t sleep well until she was nearly two, my second who is ten months will probably be the same. Breastfeeding can be tough. Not everybody has an abundant supply and you have to have a lot of support around you really to make it work. Me personally I was much more sane with my second for not putting myself through the breastfeeding trauma I did with my first.
Your husband doesn’t sound very good. A lot of them are a bit crap when babies come on the scene and show their true colours. You may need to assess the relationship when things calm dumb a bit. I’d consider spending a lot more time at your mums if he wants to carry on with his DIY. Either that or I’d be getting labourers in while he’s out to get the house jobs done.

IactuallyHateMN · 30/09/2021 14:28

In your position I think I would be packing up and going to stay with my parents, on the pretence that it was until the house is back in order, but would use the space to reevaluate the relationship.

Pkeeeeease do this Flowers you'll realise what an arse he is is with distance xxx

jbtk · 30/09/2021 14:30

I have been using colief but doesn't seem to help, also trying propping mose basket up but doesn't help. Going to speak to doctor today because he is being sick after every feed so I think it could be reflux. Hoping the doc with give some good advice. Told my husband he needs to come to the doctors as well because he never believes/agrees with what I say the professional say. I tell him to do his own research about things like feeding on demand and cluster feeding because he says I hold him too much and he is on the breast too much. Everything feels like a struggle. Baby won't go down in moses basket anymore either coz his gas and sickness bothers him so much. I end up with him laying on the bed next to me to be able to settle him. Sorry.. I feel like a total moaner but I do think my relationship is making it all so much harder.

OP posts:
Indigomint · 30/09/2021 14:37

As a pp has said op , you need to go somewhere that you have support. He's being an absolute arse.

The works after birth are so difficult and he's making it harder still by not behaving like a partner. He should be bringing you drinks (and putting them where you can reach them) , he should be making you food you can eat with one hand etc. He should also have made damn sure that you had at least one comfortable room to use while you recover from the birth and adjust to motherhood.

You're doing great. He is the problem. Please get away from him and think about whether you want him in your future.

Indigomint · 30/09/2021 14:38

On a practical note re the baby , have you tried infacol?

Alicesays · 30/09/2021 14:41

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time, the house being a state never helps does it, and sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse. Just a thought, if your baby is having two bottles of formula a day (an excellent idea BTW, then you will never suffer the stress of trying to get them to take a bottle!) then can you hand the baby over to your husband for a bit while you go to sleep? He can give a bottle if/when the baby gets hungry so you can sleep for longer.

Constellationstation · 30/09/2021 14:42

Oh bless you, it sounds awful. People don’t have a newborn baby and still carry on with DIY, your husband is talking nonsense. If I were you I’d stay at my mum’s for as long as possible. Don’t feel like you have to stay there just because he’s your husband. If you stay with your mum maybe he can try and get the DIY finished.
My baby was the same as yours. Very colicky and never slept. I had to go on sertraline as I had PND (which I didn’t realise until I spoke to the doctor) that helped me a lot.

Wnikat · 30/09/2021 14:52

Go back to your Mums and stay there until he's finished the house. Then leave him for good.

doadeer · 30/09/2021 14:55

Your husband is an arsehole.

You don't do loads of cleaning with a newborn and your husband should be making dinner etc. You sleep whenever you can and you make super easy food.

I'm sorry for you and I hope it gets easier. Maybe go and stay with your mum for a couple weeks to get looked after 💐

Sheldock · 30/09/2021 14:59

I had a Colicky and reflux baby; it took 6 months to sort itself out.
Go to your Mums, get sleep, get her to help..
A newborn with issues is so so hard and having a man-child in the house is only going to make you feel worse.

Pickle2021 · 30/09/2021 15:18

Congratulations 🎊

This is sad. Go to your mums. Get some rest. Reevaluate, and approach again later. It's exhausting with a newborn, I remember well. It does get better but you need the support xx

jbtk · 18/10/2021 21:34

So I went to my mums. Came back and it's the same shit different day. I hate being in my own home. I am exhausted and can't stop crying when I am here. The house is still barely livable and I think I have reach the end of my tether. I think I want a divorce but I am too worried about how complicated splitting up will be and how I will practically be able to live on just my wage and where I will go. I just can't do this anymore. My husband is the one person that makes my life harder and miserable. I am exhausted when I am at my mums with Bri g up all night but I am happy and my baby is happy. When I am home I cry all the time, there is constant arguments and I am miserable and my baby must be picking this up and I don't want to feel like this anymore 😢

OP posts:
Fancyties · 19/10/2021 06:17

I'm glad you went to your mums. I'm so sorry you feel like this. They say having a baby is the hardest thing got a relationship and I would have to agree. I know a lot of stable couples that had a baby and went their own ways after or shortly after baby born. Me and partner have had very difficult moments/times. As LO is older it has become easier but its still hard.

I'm not trying to convince you either way but with lo only being 6 weeks old all your hormones are all over the place - it may be hard to make that decision now.

In regards to finance, you have the chance to get benefits Universal credit is one. And if you want to go down that path csa.

If an option maybe stay at your mums until house is livable? As that would make me feel sad in itself.

There are options like counselling and such. If you feel that's right choice for you and hubby.
It's up to you what you chose to do, either way we're here for you x

Santastuckincustoms · 19/10/2021 06:23

Your baby sounds like mine who had cows milk allergy. Formula won't fix that, itll make it worse unless you can get a dairy free one, try excluding dairy from your diet. But you will need more support for this so please stay with someone more supportive.

HumphreyCobblers · 19/10/2021 06:41

Oh you poor love, go back to your mum. You husband sounds utterly horrible and you and the baby deserve better.

Sidehustle99 · 19/10/2021 11:43

If you can, go and get some TLC at your DM's. It is just really hard when they are 6 weeks and your milk is still sorting out demand. It does get better though with time. (I've done 3 DC EBF)

Your DH will either realise he needs to step up, or he won't. He either seems oblivious or he's doing the standard 'but I'm fixing things' routine without actually listening to your needs.

You do need a break though if you are feeling helpless and a couple of nights of rest and dinner made by someone else might lift you a bit.

Feeding lying down really helped me combined with a bedside cot. I slept when DC's did. Sod the housework for a while.


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