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When do you get sleep with a new born?

44 replies

jbtk · 30/09/2021 13:21

Hi all,
I am an emotional sleep deprived new mum needing to rant and to be told I am being over the top because I am tired. Sorry if this is just a long winded moan 😊
Just wanted to ask.. When do new mums have time to cook, clean, do the washing etc when you are breastfeeding on demand? And even more importantly, when do you get some sleep? My baby is 6 weeks and very colicky at night so between feeds he is in horrible distress with wind even when he is asleep so I don't get much sleep myself. During the day I am just soooo tired and my baby need constant attention or holding otherwise he gets so upset which adds to his wind trouble. I am at the point where I am too tired to put him in the sling and do anything. Not even showering or getting dressed anymore because it's too much effort and he gets upset if I put him down for too long. My husband isn't very supportive and just expects me to get on with everything. He does hold the baby and change his nappy so I can grab some food or tidy round but I am just so tired I don't want to do anything. He isnt supportive of me breast feeding and has really knocked my confidence making me worry that I am giving him enough milk. We do two formula bottles still because we were doing more bottle in the beginning when I had problems with breastfeeding as it turned out he had a lip and tongue tie and my nipples just couldn't take it. He had tongue tie snipped at 3 weeks and its making it better but still working on getting a good latch each feed. My husband thinks I should just bottle feed formula so doesn't seem to care that I am tired from the night feeding because its my fault apparently because I want to breastfeed. I said I was cold this morning because I was so tired while searching for a jumper (house also upside down with him doing DIY, but thats another story/argument) his response was.. Why you tired? I am fuming and can't stop crying. I struggled so much to get to the point where I can breastfeed without my nipples being so painful and now I feel like all that struggle was for nothing because I am so tired I can't function and my husband just tells me to formula feed him. I had been expressing and feeding him bottles at one point to try keep my supply up and feed him while he was in hospital having light treatment for jaundice but was finding it too much to breast feed and express. Didn't think I was getting enough milk to do both and again I felt like I had no time to sleep trying to do both and keep on top of sterilising stuff and remembering to feed myself.
Anyway... All that probably makes no sense coz I am too tired to read through and it's just me waffling on.
Think I just needed to get it off my chest!
Thanks to anyone that can be bothered to read my waffle xx

OP posts:
CMAYF11 · 19/10/2021 21:15

Your husband sounds like a complete arse!!!
For the first 12 weeks my life consisted of sitting in the sofa while the baby napped on me, I would bf on demand. My life revolved around keeping a newborn baby alive.
I would quickly hoover when my husband came home and he wound do dinner.

jbtk · 22/10/2021 21:23

Oh my god.. So my husband expects me to to all the cooking even though I am so tired all the time. He refuses to do any cooking and make us dinners. I am so exhausted 😩😭

OP posts:
LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 22/10/2021 21:28

Leave literally pack a bag and go. He's a dick

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 22/10/2021 21:29

Please go back to your mum's and stay there! Don't waste this precious time with your baby being stressed out and feeling like you have to stop breastfeeding and spend all your time on housework. You will regret it later on, this time is so short.

Your husband is a useless prick. When I had a newborn my dh did everything - all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, nappies... All I did was sleep, eat and feed the baby and that was enough!

Flittingaboutagain · 22/10/2021 21:35

My husband isn't very supportive and just expects me to get on with everything.

^ this is such a big part of the issue and not about feeding. I'm breastfeeding on demand three months in and my partner has no expectations on me for the day apart from looking after baby. He is doing all the cooking and food shopping etc. He has the baby for me to shower. We do chores and laundry at the weekend.

notanaturalmum · 22/10/2021 21:37

Re your supply. How much water are you drinking. I always found feeding much easier when I was hydrated. Also what are you eating. My DS was so windy and it turned out he couldn't handle cows milk via my milk. So I switched to soy milk, cut out grapes, tomatoes, citrus fruits and yoghurt (this was a lot of trial and error) and the whole arching back after feeds thing disappeared practically overnight.
I can't help with the husband thing - and much as it pains me to write this, could you do a list.
My husband was clueless in the early days so I did little lists eg. In the morning I need you take the baby, change him and bring him to me ready for a feed.
I need a tray next to me with a jug of water, Lansinoh cream and some biscuits. Just basic stuff and then once he had some guidance he sort of figured it all out and it was fine.
And also, if you do choose to do formula, please don't think it will magically solve everything.
It comes with hassles as well.
Wishing you all the luck.

jbtk · 22/10/2021 22:09

Re hydration... I think you may be right, I do drink a lot of water through the night but not so much during the day. I drink a lot of tea so I may try managing on decaf and water again and see if that improves his colic cutting out caffeine. I have been drinking normal tea again just to give me some energy to get through the days. Thanks for the advice. My husband doesn't like to be told what to do and if I tried to give him a list and suggested he took the baby to change and bring back for a feed and also bring me a banana and glass of water he would tell me where to go. He might change the baby but I would be expected to look after myself.. As he says.. I am in disabled just coz I have had a baby. He will do stuff for the baby if I ask but nothing for me. He says I sit around all day and he is at work so I can do everything. I have tried to tell him how demanding the baby is and I don't get a minute. It took me 2 hours yesterday just getting myself and baby bathed, fed, bag packed, pram etc in car and to a hospital appointment 10 mins away. Then I had left the car door wide open in the car park for the 3 hours I was in the hospital! He doesn't understand how hard everything is with a baby that cries and screams everytime he isn't engaged or wants to be held. The sling is great but kills my back after a while and is no good when trying to shower and get dressed either. I have expressed a couple of times today and I am just going to leave him with the baby all night on his own so he can see how tiring it is. Although it will pee me off because baby will probably sleep longer after bottle feeds because he won't fall asleep half way through a feed on the breast then wake up an hour later for more so my husband will probably just think its easy. Annoyingly I will still have to wake up thru the night and pump so I don't get engorged. Grrrr!

OP posts:
bubblebath62636 · 22/10/2021 22:17

Honestly, DH was the best support I had. He would do all of the housework (paternity leave) and take the baby so I could get some chunks of sleep.

MIL was also a godsend and came round when DH went back to work.

You need support op, do you have family?

Also your husband is a major knob head.

bubblebath62636 · 22/10/2021 22:18

OP have you seriously considered leaving your husband?

chelle862 · 22/10/2021 22:23

Honestly, you'll sleep a whole load better when you leave that absolute wanker.

jbtk · 23/10/2021 01:57

I am seriously considering leaving him because he is making me so miserable. I just need to figure out how I can go about it. I have tried talking to him but he doesnt listen. Thinks he knows best about everything. There is no getting through to him and I am realising how it's more how he treats me that is making me so unhappy rather than the tiredness from a newborn.

OP posts:
addictedtotheflats · 23/10/2021 02:10

I slept while he fed at night by co sleeping, Id feed him in the day then hand him to my mum if she was around or DP to do what ever he needed while I got some sleep for a couple hours, if he napped I napped. His Dad took hm if i felt up to cleaning otherwise he would do it. The key is a partner who behaves as an equal parent. You should not feel guilty for leaving your child with his Father while you sleep. I also expressed so there was a feed if he needed it while i rested.

jbtk · 23/10/2021 02:30

Yes, am am going to try and sleep when baby sleeps in the day but he doesnt really sleep for long periods. I tire to get to sleep if he is asleep and he is awake again before I am asleep. The only time he sleeps for long periods in the day is if I take him out in the pram or car but as soon as I am stopped for a little while he is awake again so it's really hard to nap when he naps. I have been asking husband to have him so I can get a couple of hours, or even just an hour, when he finishes work but since the house is in such an unfinished state we have no bedroom doors on and babys fussimg/crying/screaming with dad just stops me from getting to sleep. I asked him to take him out in the pram to settle him and so I can actually get a little sleep but he hasn't. He currently is doing a full night shift with baby on his own, I am still getting up to express but he has baby in another room so I can sleep a little easier without all the colicky thrashing around noises I between feeds. I am hoping this experience will change his opinion of me needing more support from him because of tiredness. And hoping I catch up on some sleep. I was surprised he offered to do the night feeds, think he was just being stubborn and to prove that it's not that bad and he will say he doesn't know why I am moaning. I took him up on it, don't think he was expecting that. We will see. I don't really want him to do it all and be knackered so I can sleep. I just want him to be more understanding and give me better support to help me and to know how hard it is on your own.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 23/10/2021 02:31

OP, no wonder you feel drained, and no it's not just because of the new-born. as you found out when at your mother's.
all this tension and arguing is not good for the baby either.
and frankly, what kind of a man allows his 9 months pregnant wife to go up a ladder, let alone work from one, painting and sanding !
really, you are not in a respectful relationship.
i could understand ignorance and some stupidity, but it is the attitude that is plain wrong. it is nastiness.
is he used to being the boss, sounds like it, at home i mean.
why did he get to decide that tradesmen could not be contracted to get on and make a habitable home for mother and baby.
it is your joint money. but he is not respecting you as a partner.
he sounds like an obnoxious know-it-all. they are too proud to see how stupid and unreasonable they are.
get out. now. your baby's health is at stake. as well as your own.
don't worry about the details. that can be sorted out later.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/10/2021 09:06

Your DH sounds awful OP. I found the newborn stage hard and had a baby who barely slept ever, but I survived because I had a husband who did the cooking, helped me get time to myself to sleep in the day and who pulled his weight around the house.

Can you go to your mums for a few weeks and try and get some sleep and help with the baby? Tell your DH you're not coming back until the house is properly habitable?

If you want to leave him then you should, but if you decide to stay with him you really need to reframe how your relationship works and give him a few home truths about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

Milkbottlelegs · 23/10/2021 09:22

I’m so sorry your DH is such a twat. I can assure you things will get easier as your baby gets older, you’re at a really tough stage there but you can do it (with or without your DHs help, you will get through it).

What I can’t be sure of is that your DH will stop being such a useless sack of sh1t. Please stick with your instinct and leave. You deserve so much better.

avocadotofu · 23/10/2021 09:26

You are doing a truly amazing job for your little on. I think your husband sounds really awful. I couldn't have coped with such a jerk in the early days of being a new mum.

LauraSaidIShouldBeNicer · 23/10/2021 22:15

Hope you managed to get some rest OP

Babyfg · 23/10/2021 22:43

Oh god I could cry for you. My husband was similar. Everything was why should I attitude. Even the things he would do was such a battle asking him to do that it sapped the little energy I had. My baby was very colicky like yours and seemed to scream constantly.

I remember some friends of mine coming to visit the baby and he made tea for everyone (he liked to put on a good show). Later that evening I asked if he could wash the dishes and he refused because who did I think I was getting him to clean up while I sat on my arse all day chatting to my mates (it was for an hour and a half abd three mugs). He also ate the chocolates they brought for me.

If you can go to your mums again please go. The newborn stage is very hard and demanding. Tbh what ever you do it won't change his opinion, so do whatever you can do to make your life easier. Let the house fall apart (let's be honest he won't be nice even if it's sparkling). Sit as much as you can. Let your baby sleep on you so even if you're not asleep you're getting a break from the screaming abd can veg out in front of the tv. Order food/services whenever you can.

The newborn stage won't last forever (at the time it feels like there's no end in sight but you will get there) so please do whatever you can to make things easier for yourself for now.

I wish I'd realised that sooner. No matter what I did it would never meet his standard so I should have dropped mine more when I needed to.

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