First time mum - 5 day old DD

[Greeneyesbiglashes]

Hello,

I’d really like some advice as i’m struggling, i’m feeling pretty teary and i’m so tired. I think since I gave birth on Sunday i’ve had about 10 hours sleep in total which maybe is what is to be expected, Idk! My partner is great and we support each other.

The ‘routine’ we have so far is every 3.5 hours change nappy first and then feed her. She is bottle fed (number of different reasons please don’t give info on BF I really am not in a place to hear about it all right now). After bottle feeding she will cuddle with partner or I and then we will place her into either her moses basket/ sleephead (supervised)/ next to me cot (at bedtime).

In the mornings so after her feed around 6ish she tends to be chill and will cuddle and go to sleep when we place her in either cot/basket. Same in the follow on feeds up till the one around midnight. Following on from that, it is chaos and she literally doesn’t sleep the whole night. No amount of picking her up, walking round house, rocking will help. She just cries and cries. Until she has her feed around 3:30 where she will feed and then settle for 30 ish mins and then cry again until the next feed.

She is a sicky baby, but feeds well. She will usually drink 60-90ml of milk each time. We have reflux bottles which seems to help with the sickness I’ve noticed a decline in the sickness with these.

We have white noise machine too and dummies (which help during day she enjoys these).

Please can someone give me their advice? Are we leaving it too long to feed her? Should we maybe try every 2.5 hours instead and go from there? Like I said in the day she is absolutely fine, will sleep happily and will need to wake her up to feed after the 3.5 hours.

I know it’s only been 5 days but I am starting to really feel like i’m letting her down, my partner down and myself down. Please be gentle with me I am feeling sad.

Thank you very much

That sounds tough OP! I temember the early days as being difficult but I had more sleep than you.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Is a strict routine important for your own wellbeing? If not, maybe drop the clockwatching and feed her when she's hungry. She might need a different interval than 3,5 hours. And even that will change with growth spurts etc.

1. Divide and conquer. As you bottle feed you can take it in turns to look after her at night. Or at least have your partner do a chink of the coming weekend so that you can catch up on sleep.

1. Fresh air - get out and about during the day with he in a pram so she gets lots of fresh air. I often used to walk my dc to sleep and then leave them in the pram (a flat lying one, not one with a car seat as that's not great for their backs) and vlimb into bed.

1. Skip as amny household tasks as possible and sleep when she sleeps. Including daytime naps.

It is tough buy remember the mantra 'this too shall pass'!

Oh, and congratulations!

Hi I'm sorry your having such a rough time. The first few days after having a baby are incredibly difficult. Sometimes it's trial and error especially with her so young it hard to have a routine. Maybe feed smaller about and more often on a night to see if it settles her. Also try and nap as much as you can during the day.
My daughter was a terrible sleeper and I feel your pain. It does get easier and like I say keep trying different things till you find something that helps you get some sleep. Sorry not greatest advice!

Feed her more. Her instincts are to feed heaps at night to get milk supplies increased, if you were BF you'd just keep feeding so if it stops her crying then just do it. Plenty of time for routines later. Congratulations on her arrival!

If she’s sick a lot keep her upright for 30 mins after a feed. It will help if she has reflux

Congratulations! I remember the early days... it's shattering. DS (12months) is asleep on me now
Can you keep her awake a bit more between daytime feeds so that she is more tired at nighttime ? Just 15 mins of talking to her and wiggling fingers and what have you is probably long enough at this age ... Gradually increase as she gets older. It helps to differentiate between day feeds and night feeds (dark room, no eye contact, hushed voice at night time feeds) .

And don't listen to people who told you their baby slept through the night from 6 weeks or whatever. Yours will eventually, don't stress, mine did at 10 months, ah the high of that first chunk of sleep longer than 3 hours

Xx

Hello :) just up feeding my 12 week old so thought I would pop down what has worked for us, we have basically just followed his lead, when he is hungry we feed, when tired we watch for the ques and he sleeps. Maybe take the pressure off a little and stop watching the clock and just go with your baby, easier said than done sometimes but it's really helped me and my hubby. Hope you get some sleep soon, you got this mama xx

Ooh we pop a couple of drops of coleif in our baby's bottles absolute game changer when it came to colic and reflux

Congrats on your new baby! Yes the exhaustion is unbelievable and no, you aren't unusual. (If you are currently wondering why anyone ever has a second baby or how on earth someone copes with twins when just one is running rings round you, yep that's normal too.)

Don't forget the whole day/night confusion thing, newborn babies are more wakeful in the night which might (only might) explain the crying (wanting to be awake and have attention). She may be sleeping nicely in the day because for her, that is the night time. Try making daytime more interesting - as pp said, take her out in daylight as much as you can, maybe do some baby massage, sing and talk to her, that kind of thing. Keep night time very calm and quiet and, well, boring. Yes, she will object and cry, but she will learn: nighttime is sleepy time. The day/night thing corrects itself in a few weeks, in my experience.

Every baby is different and it is definitely a trial and error thing, so keep looking on forums for different things to try. My DD quickly grew to hate her Moses basket, and loved being swaddled in her big cot. It felt cruel swaddling her but she was so cosy. My son hated being swaddled, and liked sleeping in a sling in the daytime.

Reflux is awful, my son had it. If the sick is regurgitation straight after feeding, like overflow, then keep your baby upright after feeding and maybe reduce the amount in the bottle a bit. Newborns have tiny tummies so perhaps a bit less milk more often would help.

Don't forget to wind properly even at night- winding a baby isnt a question of a little rub on the back for 30 seconds it can take quite a while! It took me a while to figure out my babies would ALWAYS burp if I winded them properly, and then they slept better. There are different techniques for winding, YouTube has some good videos. There are also some good videos about different kinds of cry and what is your baby communicating. I remember with DD I found it so hard to guess what she was crying about... but after a while the cries are readable. When my MIL annoyingly said, "oh there's a tired cry!" or "oh does your itty bitty tummy hurty wurty? Let's give it a little rub" it is possible she was totally right every time as cries do seem to have a sort of signature for different problems and you will learn to distinguish them (tired, hungry, bored, pain etc). Remember crying isn't always deep distress for your baby (although it may be for you) - it is communication, a language. It can be very satisfying to learn how to decode those cries in the months ahead.

Overall sounds like you are doing nothing wrong at all. Feeling inadequate and being sad is all very normal, especially soon after you've given birth. Hormones and pain etc. If those feelings don't improve speak to your HV.

And as pps said, genuinely ignore housework and take all offers of help you can get. Make sure you are getting some fresh air every day, and even if you can't sleep when the baby does, lie down and turn your phone on silent and rest.

Good luck, xx

I'm just echoing the you got this. It's so hard the first while, just make sure each of you actually get sleep and don't try to wander to help the other as it will give you more strength. Also if it comes to it consider changing the type of feed, we had a huge hungry baby and went onto sma white really early and all issues stopped straight away but obviously only if that turns out to be the issue. Best of luck and congratulations on your new little family!!

Just let baby lead and be assured that as soon as you get used to this phase of behaviour it will change. It won't be like this for long so just keep hanging in there. Sleep when baby sleeps in the day.

Also reflux - if it keeps up see your GP. Hypoallergenic milk may be required and may help a lot, same with medication. I also had this issue and using hydrolysed formula and Zantac ( as it was then) transformed my baby. But it's early days with yours so just keep an eye On it and see the doc if concerned

You are going to be ok. You are doing brilliantly. These first days are very tough and yes you discover new levels of 'tired" that you didn't know existed, but you survive and your baby will learn to sleep eventually. Every baby is different and chaotic and there isn't a correct way of doing things that you should be doing.

Your baby doesn't yet know what she wants, she doesn't know that sleep makes the tired go away, and she doesn't know how to go to sleep yet. She barely knows that milk makes the hungry go away but she is probably on the cusp of figuring that out. She doesn't know that she is an individual entity and that you are a separate individual entity who can communicate and decide things and take actions - these are all complex concepts that she can't get to grips with yet.

You'll try dozens of ideas to help her sleep and eventually she'll startt having a few good nights and you'll conclude that whatever thing you tried last was "what she needs" but what that is will be somewhat random.

Yep I was the same completely exhausted. Bar the 10days in hospital where I had to do it myself which I was hanging by time I got home. I used to give lo to other half in evening till about 12/1 and go bed at 7pm myself. Then took over at this point so he slept. Then late morning we would swap over so I got to shower and nap.

I used to feed every 2 to 3 hours at this age more calories the better. Also hold baby up as per another pp said after a feed.

Ignore all household stuff. Just eat sleep rinse and repeat. There be plenty of time to catch up later.

Don't worry about a routine yet, that comes later. Let them sleep and feed as needed.

Congratulations 🎊

Wow thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond with your experiences/tips/advice and for giving your congratulations. Every single response has been hugely helpful! I have read through them and can identify where we could maybe make things and little easier for ourselves. Going to go through the responses with my partner today (after coffee)!

In response to a few helpful points:
@AdaHopper - the routine does help me well I thought it would, I am that way as a person and it helps make things clear in my mind. With that being said if the routine was actually doing the opposite and making things harder then i’d of course try and be a bit more free flowing so that’s certainly something to think about, thank you! We had a bit more of a system last night with my partner and I and I managed to get 4.5 hours and he’s asleep now as i’ve fed her so I am feeling better in that department too.

@Winnie87 thanks so much. I appreciate you responding and sharing your ideas!! I think you may have a point about the amount feeding.

@QuiltedHippo I will definitely do that, re feeding more. Interesting about her night feeding instincts I didn’t know that!

@mayblossominapril Have also been keeping her upright after feeds and this definitely helps! Thanks

@penjo I will definitely try and keep her awake a little bit in the day etc. we have a play mat thing from 0 months and I haven’t actually had this out yet!

@Pinklittle thank you for sharing! I am going to go and get that colief today, I didn’t know it existed!

@PennyWus yes definitely going to start going out more and mixing things up a bit! I’ll plan something nice for the weekend. I tore badly with giving birth but this morning I feel I a bit more mobile! A walk sounds really lovely though, weather looks ok where I am tomorrow too! I’m going to youtube how to swaddle. The midwife in hospital did it for her when I was unable to move and she did really settle after. It is her being sick during/straight after feeding. I have really been keeping her upright too which has helped. The tommee tippee bottle I have seems to have helped. I’m not sure if it restricts the flow a bit as there isn’t as much guzzling and certainly not as much sick. I also try and mix up the temperature of the formula so she wasn’t getting too bothered about it a certain way. However I have noticed when it is warm there is less sick. Not sure if that’s a coincidence though. Will youtube winding! We do it every few mins through feeding etc but we could definitely up our technique! Thanks.

@stayathomer thanks so much. That’s really made me smile this morning and I feel ready to go again!

@arcof thanks loads. Will keep an eye on it all and contact GP if it becomes a real issue.

@SinoohXaenaHide thank you!!! I think I may have put a lot of pressure on myself to do things a certain way which hasn’t been helpful.

Thank you again everyone 💕

I think it's pretty hard for a newborn to go 3.5 hours between feeds. Their tummies are tiny. I would definitely feed more regularly at the moment and be guided by your baby's cues.

I think just advice now is to response feed whether you're bfing or bottle feeding. Try feeding her more often and it may help. She has no clue of your idea of a routine (and frankly, couldn't care less about it!) Mine only really settled into a routine when introducing solids around 6 months and I found that hard so I do sympathise, I love a good routine (and so does DD, now!)

Give yourself a break - you're both getting to know each other. I found it really tough to realise that I wasn't fully in control but once you can accept that it makes it a bit easier!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=vKIz0HYuLTg

I swaddled DD like this like demonstrates. Game changer.

It's been a really long time since I had a newborn and I don't think I have any better advice than all the fantastic ones you've had already. What I do remember though is how bloody hard it is so I just wanted to say you are doing a great job. Please don't ever think you're letting anyone down, especially your DD. You are concerned which means you care.

Congratulations and be kind to yourself

My baby book (your baby week by week) said that at this age if they cry it is almost always hunger. So I always fed as soon as they cried.

Echoing everyone saying feed her much more frequently, including overnight. 3.5 hrs is a really big gap for a newborn. I’d assume it’s hunger each time. Newborns want little and (very) often! Good luck

Sorry you're struggling OP but congrats on your new baby! The first few weeks are about survival, you're not doing anything wrong. Newborns are basically nocturnal, but don't worry they don't stay that way as they start to get used to your routine. 3.5 hours is a long time between feeds, you'd be better just feeding whenever she's hungry for the first couple of weeks. If she's crying and doesn't need a nappy change, offer her a bottle. Very few newborns believe in routine. I found infacol helped at night for colic in the early hours and got my DS actually sleeping. The first few days and weeks are tough, sleep in shifts if that works for you (let your partner take baby for a few hours while you get some sleep guilt free and vise versa). It gets easier, just do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity intact and be kind to yourself

Thank you everyone so much for the responses. I feel truly awful that i’d left it 3.5 hours between feeds 😞 . The midwife said 2-4 hours so I just kind of went off that. I have fed her more frequently the last 24 hours, when I can see she is starting to ask and had her a bit more active in the day, going out for a walk, talking etc. and she slept much better so i’m feeling loads better.

Thanks again everyone

The great news is though that she was weighed yesterday and had only lost 5% of her body weight which i’m suuuper pleased about!

Don't feel bad, you're doing a great job and only a 5% loss is brilliant. The feeding does feel relentless at this stage but it's what they need so it's best to just follow their lead! It is exhausting though. Glad you had a better nights sleep. Don't panic if you subsequently have some bad ones though, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. It is all a bit of a lottery at this stage and there isn't always rhyme or reason for their behaviours! Just keep feeding her, resting as much as you can, getting out and about as able and don't worry about a routine. It will get easier with time.

Thank you @MGee123 that’s made me feel better. I really enjoy feeding her, it’s the highlight of my day! Yes had a good nights sleep. Thanks again x