Can she sleep on me while I sleep?

[Doughnut100]

Sorry I'm sure this has already been asked, I don't have the energy to search the forum very well although I have tried.

My two week old daughter just won't sleep at night except on me. She won't stay in her snuzpod longer than 5 mins even if I make sure she is so asleep before I put her down. I tried bed sharing safely looked at all the guidelines and even that doesn't help as she's not actually being held.

I know I'm not allowed to fall asleep breastfeeding or to fall asleep holding her. But it's the only time she will sleep. I'm losing my mind. Has anyone done this? Let her sleep on your chest while you sleep? Or will she grow out of this?

Absolutely not

I heard that if you fill a glove with rice and secure it and put it on Babys tum, back etc they think it's you holding them and feel more secure. Haven't tried it as mine are older but worth a try op

I'm going to be honest (and I'm no way am I recommending it) and say I slept with my newborn from about two/three weeks old on the sofa whilst I sat up with her in my arms.

Things got so bad I became scared of going to bed and had super bad anxiety. I was only having about 45 mins of sleep per night. This way I got a little more, about three hours of broken sleep.

My health visitor and my midwife supported this and made sure I did as much as I could to keep her safe and that I was well aware of the risks.

I tried co sleeping ( hated it) and every single trick in the book.

Don't want to alarm you and in most cases sleep does get better, but I am 2.5 years in and I have never had more than three hours of sleep in one go.

Lots of support, make sure you have snacks and drinks, net flicks and be kind to yourself.

twinkle are you sure you didn’t misunderstand?

I think sleeping on the sofa is perhaps the most dangerous thing you can do with a baby.

@User0ne

All 3 of my DC went through phases of this and both me and DH have slept with each of our children on our chests.

People can flame away but you won't find one peer reviewed (ie proper scientific standard) study that has looked at this sleeping arrangement.

Most of our sleep has been cosleeping in a c shape (touching) around the youngest and they tend to be happy with that after a couple of weeks

That's not really true. There is strong evidence from cohort studies that sleeping in a chair with a baby on you increases the risk of SIDS. It's thought likely that this is due to the baby over-heating so, if anything, the risk is likely to be greater in bed, where you also have bed clothes that may cover the baby (another SIDS risk factor).

I agree with PPs that every parent falls asleep with the baby on them at some point and - thank god - there is usually no harm done. But that's different from deliberately setting out to do it.

@Lemonelderflower

twinkle are you sure you didn’t misunderstand?

I think sleeping on the sofa is perhaps the most dangerous thing you can do with a baby.

Nope, they asked where's the place you feel safest and would get some sleep and I said the sofa abs they said do it. I will say every time she stirred or moved I was wide awake. I have always been a light sleeper. I knew the risks and took them.

I'm not the only one and I'm not condoning it but motherhood is full of trying to be perfect and not admitting when you don't follow the norm.

And I will say it was only for a short period whilst my mental health stabilised a bit

I’m not recommending it but I did this with two out of my four children.

Partner moved into another room for 6 weeks as my 4th was such a bad sleeper! Slept with my arms propped up on pillows and I was propped up and literally couldn’t move and baby couldn’t move anywhere either. Would have been suicidal if I didn’t have any sleep!

Oh and the 4th is now 13 months old and the best sleeper I could ever have! 2-3 hour lunchtime nap and 13 hours straight at night!!

I’m not perfect at all - blimey, who is! I think most of us have broken the ‘safe sleep’ recommendations. But my understanding has always been that falling asleep with baby on the sofa is really dangerous. I’m not meaning to sound sanctimonious but it’s a bit worrying it was okayed by professionals.

I feel for you OP. Had to hold my baby for 8 weeks before she'd go down. In the end, it worked if I wrapped her in a blanket before putting her down so she felt the change in temp less. It was a game changer as I don't feel the cold so hasn't realised she was reacting to the difference in temp between my body and the cold crib. Can't hurt to try it?

Totally agree with hardbackwriter- the guidelines published for safe-sleep alongside promoting highly responsive breastfeeding (ie. telling mums if their baby is crying they’ve left it too late) builds an impossible situation for mothers. I definitely agree relative risks should be explained because all parents are currently compromising in one way or another because the advice is very unrealistic for most families. Also agree with taking shifts and to keep practicing side-lying feeding. We also couldn’t manage it when ds was very little but it does begin to work as they grow.

That’s not true. Research says falling asleep on the sofa is very very different to planning and setting up a bed for safe co-sleeping where you won’t have sheets etc that might lead to baby over-heating. I do struggle with the info about babies overheating though. The new born hospital ward is absolutely the warmest place I’ve ever been and then they send you home the next day with instructions to sleep baby in 16-18 degrees. Do they realise how many babies are born in countries where it never gets less than 24 degrees??

Have you tried the ‘Womb Music’ CDs, two of my Daughters would only settle to sleep on DHs Chest, and our Midwide advised that this was probably due to the fact that she felt secure listening to a strong and regular settled Heartbeat. We bought one of the ‘Womb Music’ CDs and played it near the head of their crib whilst they were swaddled, and they did settle and sleep better. It’s something that a lot of maternity Nurseries and SCBUs use too.

I fell asleep accidentally on the sofa with DS it wasn't for long he was very hot in my arms, thankfully I woke, it'd be so easy to drop your arms while sleeping and baby would roll.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I think it's generally believed that sleeping on a sofa with a baby is much riskier than the bed. As far as I understand it's not so much overheating as the fact that on a sofa it's easier for baby to become wedged and suffocate. The Emily Peter book Cribsheet has a good analysis of the data on this.

As others have said @Doughnut100 it’s so hard at this early stage but it does pass ❤️ I remember everytime my DH took his shift in the night that’s when baby seemed to want to cluster feed 😓 so he’d constantly be bringing baby in for feeds! It felt like I was getting no rest at all!

When you’re putting baby down in her Snuzpod, is she waking up because she’s startling herself? As soon as my son was out down he would startle himself awake, regardless of how asleep he was when he was put down. The only thing that worked for us was the Love To Dream Swaddle. Our baby hated a traditional swaddle because he liked to have his arms up by his face so the LTD swaddle was great. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t miraculously have him sleeping for ages at that stage, but it would keep him asleep for a wee while at a time so that DH and I could both get little bits of solid sleep here and there.

I love the way all of us with babies have Ben on at bizarre times 😂

@Lemonelderflower

I love the way all of us with babies have Ben on at bizarre times 😂

@Lemonelderflower Same 🤣🤣 mine has moved into his big cot this week (still in my room). Has decided he’s a belly sleeper 😅 so I’ve been sat up most of the night hovering over him making sure he can breathe and he’s slept through the night for the first time 😐🤣 no 2.30/3am bottle for the first time ever!

My DS is now 5 months but for the first couple of months would only sleep on me at night. It was awful because, as others have said, you desperately want to follow the safe sleep guidelines, but it is impossible if you have a baby who just needs to be on you! If we tried to put DS in the cot, none of us got any sleep. He wouldn't co-sleep in the safe position either. As others did, my DH would have DS in the evening while I tried to sleep (although often my anxiety prevented me), then I'd try stay awake through the night from 12 til 5am and then DH would take DS til 8am. The first couple of times I nodded off with DS on my chest, I felt unbelievably guilty afterwards. But as time went on, I realised that extra bit of sleep was the difference between me being able to function the next day or not. So, while I always tried to stay awake, i made sure I was in as safe a position as possible if I did fall asleep... no bedding near us, propped up with pillows etc etc. Because DS was feeding through the night, DH couldn't take him for any more time than he did, and in those wee hours, it was so hard to stay awake. I never wanted to admit to anyone that I'd fallen asleep with DS on me, I felt so ashamed.

As others have said, the problem is, there is no advice out there telling you what to do if your baby won't sleep in the prescribed safe way. I remember the safe sleep guidelines being etched into my brain before DS arrived and it was a complete shock when he wouldn't settle in the Snuzpod. I do think there needs to be more education re the 4th trimester during pregnancy, and some sort of practical advice for those in the situation (the only thing my HV said was "just keep trying to put him down" and "he'll get there eventually" ... not helpful when your in the midst of it!)

Anyway, sorry about the long post... I really feel for you OP, and anyone else in this situation. It will get better (but I know from experience that's no consolation now!)

Thank you all so much. I'm sorry I'm so overwhelmed I can't really respond properly let alone individually to you all but I have read each of your posts more than once and they are all so helpful.

My partner has to drive for work and I am anxious about him having an accident at the best of times let alone now. So I would feel even worse if he were doing more of the night shift because then I'd be so worried about him falling asleep at the wheel. He is trying his best to be so helpful and he is working from home a bit at the moment and on those days he does more of the night and takes her during the day loads. Even though he gets more sleep than me he is totally exhausted and quibbling about whether that is fair and putting his life in danger isn't going to help. He is genuinely amazing and it has made me utterly incredulous that some women do this alone. I can't even imagine.

I have been trying some of your tips. Sitting on her snuzpod mattress. I bought a love to dream swaddle on eBay. I have tried swaddling but it only works if she's so deeply asleep she doesn't realise she's being swaddled. If she wakes even a tiny bit it's game over.

I also tried to rock her to sleep instead of always nursing her but this upsets her so much I can't bear it. She is only 2.5 weeks old I can't decide she's not really hungry on her behalf as she could be genuinely hungry. But it's constant. Like feed for an hour, off for half an hour, then back on and off in half hourly intervals for the next 3/4 hours. So it's one long cluster feed. And all the articles and books talk about doing certain things before and after feeds, but I'm like - it's one long feed, there is no before and after! Now I'm worried as she has started crying anxiously instantly every time she wants a feed rather than calmly rooting, and has made a new association that she doesn't know if she'll get food rather than having the confidence her needs will be met.

I agree that the advice from the Nhs is useless in my situation. But I understand they can't condone unsafe practices. What a stitch up.

Oh I also found a womb sounds playlist on Spotify. And have been paying close attention to how asleep she is and trying to work with her sleep cycles.

Have you tried the Huckleberry app? It’s great to track sleep, feeds and nappies and their sweet spot for naps is pretty accurate.

Oh and my partner will do a 2-3hr chunk at the start of the night as that's the longest she will go without seriously crying for a feed. Then I'll do the night chunk. And then if he's not working I'll give her back when she is asleep enough. But in terms of actual timings there is no way to do a schedule because she is different every night. And my partner will wake up to do most if not all nappy changes.

It'll get easier really soon. You're doing great