Can she sleep on me while I sleep?

[Doughnut100]

Sorry I'm sure this has already been asked, I don't have the energy to search the forum very well although I have tried.

My two week old daughter just won't sleep at night except on me. She won't stay in her snuzpod longer than 5 mins even if I make sure she is so asleep before I put her down. I tried bed sharing safely looked at all the guidelines and even that doesn't help as she's not actually being held.

I know I'm not allowed to fall asleep breastfeeding or to fall asleep holding her. But it's the only time she will sleep. I'm losing my mind. Has anyone done this? Let her sleep on your chest while you sleep? Or will she grow out of this?

It forsn't last much longer honest. Keep up with the shifts.

If you find that she won't settle for you because you smell like milk, try putting one of your husband's tshirts on after feeding.

An exhausted mother is also a risk. A lot of the safe sleep guidelines deliberately make it hard for a baby to sleep deeply, as deep sleep is in itself a risk factor. Babies aren't designed to sleep alone on cold hard surfaces.

Absolutely agree with this. Especially “an exhausted mother is also a risk”. There is no absolute right or wrong.

I slept semi sitting up for the first 10 weeks of having DD home, with her lying on my chest. No duvet and propped in various ways so there was very little chance of anyone moving or rolling. It was the only way we got any sleep at all as she simply would not sleep in any other position. She was premature and with hindsight I think she just needed to be on me.

Had we taken 4 hr shifts as suggested on here, I am sure the “awake” parent would have nodded off by accident on occasion, which is far more dangerous.

Everyone needs to balance the risks and benefits in their own particular situation. If your baby can sleep whilst following the SIDS guidance, great, obviously do that. If not, then you have to weigh the SIDS risk against the risks of an exhausted parent and baby.

I had 2 like this. It’s absolute torture so you have my sympathy.
I let mine sleep on me for the first week or two then progressed to protective c sleeping. I believe that babies need to be in close contact with caregivers.
You will get better at coping with broken sleep and your and your baby’s sleep cycles will sync so you will feel better rested.
Formula may not solve sleep problems (research shows formula fed babies still wake as frequently despite anecdotes on here) and you may affect your supply if you formula feed regularly.
Feel free to disregard my comments- mine are 7 and 10 now and sometimes we all still sleep curled up together like gerbils in a nest!

Have you tried feeding lying down? That’s the safest thing to do. Make your bed safe then you will both drift off whilst feeding. It’s the best way.

@Wobbitcatcher - ah ok I understand that.

OP, I really feel for you; these first weeks can be so hard, especially if you’ve never been exposed to what is normal baby sleep for a breastfed infant. They’re not designed to sleep alone, they want to be in contact with your body at all times as it’s where they feel most safe.
Learning to feed lying down is a game-changer - if you can get the hang of it, both you and baby can drift off to sleep safely while she’s feeding and you should be able to do this on and off through the night without having to shift about very much. It can take a few weeks for babies to learn how to feed properly in this position, but it’s well worth having a look at some YouTube videos (search for ‘side lying breastfeeding’) and starting to work on it. I’ve had three breastfed, co-sleeping babies and once I started doing this with #1, life became so much easier.

Staying all night on the parent can be enough to dangerously overheat a baby. A family member lost her baby by falling asleep with them on her chest. It can and does happen and it's devastating.

As a result i've found it really hard with our little girl when she was little and wouldn't sleep, but swaddling definitely helped. Her dad stayed awake until 1am to let me sleep and would give a bottle of expressed or formula for her midnight feed so I could sleep a bit longer, I did 1-7. She slept better by 4-5 weeks and swaddling definitely helped. She also slept better in the pram in the living room during the day, so I was able to get some short naps then. Can you manage to get some more sleep during the day? We both tried to nap during the day in the first couple of weeks.

Is there anyone who could sit with baby or do a long walk during the day do you could nap once her dad is back at work? I found it much easier to manage the nights if I had more sleep during the day, and her dad still did some nights when he was working.

Also, for some reason both mine would sleep well in the cot/bedside crib from an early age from 7-9am. No idea why. So no matter how bad the night had been I’d always try and settle us both in the bedroom from about then (we spent most of the night downstairs, I got less annoyed if I accepted I was going to be up all night!).

@User0ne

All 3 of my DC went through phases of this and both me and DH have slept with each of our children on our chests.

People can flame away but you won't find one peer reviewed (ie proper scientific standard) study that has looked at this sleeping arrangement.

Most of our sleep has been cosleeping in a c shape (touching) around the youngest and they tend to be happy with that after a couple of weeks

I wouldn’t personally recomend people do what I did, but I slept with my baby on me. He wouldn’t sleep unless he was on one of us. Also the recomended co-sleeping positions didn’t work for us. So I slept in the double bed on my own with baby, and I lay on my back and baby slept on his front, lengthways across my chest so he could still breastfeed. I never moved an inch but managed to also get sleep and would wake up if he was rooting about for boob and couldn’t manage to latch on properly. I made OH sleep in spare room as I didn’t trust him not to roll over, plus I wanted to be in the middle of the bed.

That sounds really tough. I used to take the moses basket mattress out when baby woke up and put it behind me to warm it up. It was a bit tricky to get back in one handed once the feed was finished and she was asleep though! Also I tried lowering baby in so that her legs and bottom touched the mattress first. Someone said that could make a different but not sure if it did! I used to find it hard to get the blankets back on and tucked in without waking her, so would often worry that they would come loose and get over her head. So much worry- it will get easier though!!

It is really tough-I 've been there but it will get better.

I don't think there is actually much concrete evidence about how dangerous it is. We did it a little bit in desperation. Can you sleep like that and your partner keep an eye on you?

Giving the baby a bottle wouldn't have helped me- I needed to be near my baby to relax- so when people tried to give me a break I was just anxious about him and not sleeping.

I'd definitely recommend trying breastfeeding lying down again- it might work better as baby gets bigger. That literally saved me when my baby was small.

Also I remember finding it easier to get newborn to sleep during the day in his cot- I hate the phrase sleep when the baby sleeps, but even if you don't nap try and rest whenever you can.

@Lemonelderflower

Yes I did concede that in my post emily

They aren’t recommended by the lullaby trust but there have not been any cases of SIDS using them. It is just that they deviate from the official advice which is a hard flat surface.

The problem is if your baby simply won’t sleep on a hard flat surface what do you do? Getting by on four hours a night works for the short term but longer term does start to seriously impact on physical and mental health.

It’s one option of many. As with most things what is important is that the person has all the advice and information.

I do think that the current guidance makes it incredibly hard on parents. On the one hand you're told that a baby can only sleep on a hard, flat surface on their back, on the other that it is incredibly damaging to not give a tiny newborn the comfort it needs or to allow a newborn to cry. I think they need to be clearer about what a parent in this position is actually supposed to choose - is it a safety issue like using a car seat or giving antibiotics that you do even if they hate it and it makes them cry? Or is it more important that they have comforting, secure sleep even in a less safe way? As it is I think we have a crap situation where it is essentially impossible to follow safe sleeping guidelines to the letter (I don't know anyone who did, including me, and I'm finding them even less practical for a second child currently) but it makes parents feel incredibly anxious and guilty.

I also think it would be a lot more helpful to talk about relative risk so people could make informed decisions - is it better to use a sleep positioner or to tummy sleep in a clear cot? If they won't sleep on their back is there any way to make side sleeping safer, even while accepting it won't be as safe as back sleeping? Is swaddling, which the lullaby trust doesn't actually say not to do but sounds disapproving about, actually a good idea that should be pushed if it's the only way to get a baby sleeping on their back? Would it be better to set yourself up sleeping with a baby on your chest in a clear bed with a firm mattress than to sit up with them on a sofa and risk falling asleep there? It's impossible to gauge any of this because you're just sternly told that they must sleep on their back in a firm, clear cot and given the impression that any deviation from this is equally bad, which I don't think is statistically the case.

Can you lie on your side and breastfeed them to sleep? Then don’t move. With the co-sleeping rules.

Have you tried swaddling her?

Well, I did it with my son. You have to weigh up the risks yourself. It's not up to anyone on Mumsnet.
I bought a V shaped pillow, had the point of the V at my neck with the legs of the pillow either side of me.so I was propped up and baby slept upright on me there. If he then went into a deep sleep I'd move him but if he wiggled and woke I'd just out him back to where he was comfy.

@Horehound

Well, I did it with my son. You have to weigh up the risks yourself. It's not up to anyone on Mumsnet. I bought a V shaped pillow, had the point of the V at my neck with the legs of the pillow either side of me.so I was propped up and baby slept upright on me there. If he then went into a deep sleep I'd move him but if he wiggled and woke I'd just out him back to where he was comfy.

Me too! It definitely saved me in the early days as DS didn't sleep any other way. I firmly believe that a sleep deprived, exhausted and depressed caregiver looking after a baby could be far more dangerous. I too used the V shaped pillow and was in a middle of a king size bed alone. I don't actually personally know ANY babies who slept on a flat, firm surface in a moses basket etc. None. May be safe, but that's the most unnatural place for such a wee baby, having been snuggled up inside the womb for 9 months. No wonder so many families are struggling. I weighed up the risks and made the right choice for me and my baby and have zero regrets.

Excellent post @Hardbackwriter

Hardbackwriter has nailed it there. Everything that makes baby sleep safer also makes it more difficult for them to sleep at all. So we all end up compromising in some way or other. What tends to promote the best sleep for everyone is baby sleeping only with a well rested, sober mother who’s exclusively breastfeeding, but obviously this isn’t possible for everyone.

Oh yes I also out my son down to sleep on his front. He wouldn't ever go down on his back or side. Just have to keep an eye on them but he obviously preferred it that way.

I don't actually personally know ANY babies who slept on a flat, firm surface in a moses basket etc. None.

@KitBiscuit Mine does. Her safety was not something we were willing to compromise on or take risks with.

Don’t get me wrong, those early weeks were very hard. Lots of put down, crying, pick up, sleep on me/DH while we watch tv, put down, sleep only for half an hour and so on.

DH and I took it in turns, always have. Not matter how hard it got it never even entered our minds to follow anything but safe sleep guidelines.

@emilyfrost

I don't actually personally know ANY babies who slept on a flat, firm surface in a moses basket etc. None.

@KitBiscuit Mine does. Her safety was not something we were willing to compromise on or take risks with.

Don’t get me wrong, those early weeks were very hard. Lots of put down, crying, pick up, sleep on me/DH while we watch tv, put down, sleep only for half an hour and so on.

DH and I took it in turns, always have. Not matter how hard it got it never even entered our minds to follow anything but safe sleep guidelines.

That's absolutely amazing that it worked for you! But I doubt I personally know you though. Which is the point you highlighted...?

Anyway, trust me, I wouldn't have put my baby at risk either or harm him in any way, hence we created our safe sleeping surface that worked for us. He had a next to me crib from day 1 and DH and I too did ALL of the shared things you mention in your post. DS typically slept on me after the 4am feed until about 8-9am. Interestingly, this is still the time he climbs into our bed on a regular basis.

It’s up to the individual. I think there is merit in people knowing the guidelines (the number of people who don’t know a baby should have supervised naps until 6 months and think a baby monitor does the same job!) but if you know the perceived risks and make a balanced and informed decision, that is parenting.

Sometimes people can be soooo rigid about rules and guidelines. Op I wish you the best, you'll know what to do :)

@Hardbackwriter 100% agree

Just to echo what other posters have said, this stage is really rough but it does pass. My dd is now 7 weeks old and it's so much more manageable now. Agree with posters suggesting shifts and introducing a bottle. My DH went back to work after 4 days and he still helped at night. Also, not sure what type of crib you're using, but I used to take the mattress out of the Moses and sit on it while feeding. Keeps it warm and makes it smell like you. This definitely seemed to help. It isn't like this forever. Hope you get some sleep soon!

I’ve just done this with my baby - against the rules but I was so tired it was happening anyway (was falling asleep whilst feeding) so I made it as safe as possible. So tired as in my baby wouldn’t sleep more than 40 minutes.

I had baby on me but sort of to one side and then that arm was propped up by a pregnancy pillow so fully supported and baby couldn’t fall off. Previously I have co-slept in a more traditional sense I.e. baby in bed next to me.

Obviously I don’t advise doing this as people have said it is dangerous etc but if you do choose to do it, take the necessary precautions. You won’t be the first parent.

Also other factors i considered - baby had high birth weight, I was breastfeeding, didn’t smoke etc