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Sleep

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Original poster

On the fence with co-sleeping with older child

40 replies

SarahScone · 09/04/2021 12:35

I am in a relationship with a brilliant man. He has a (just) 5yo DD who stays with us half the time.
I’d like some advice about nighttime/bedtime. She goes to sleep in her own bedroom (one of us stays with her (usually her dad) til she falls asleep) but will come into our bed around midnight - 1am and stay until morning.
In theory, I don’t mind this, but I do find that I don’t sleep as well when she is in the bed because of spiky little toes and arms flailing everywhere.
DP is aware of this and I have said that I am not in any hurry to change this, though I don’t want it to last forever. He has said that he supports this and fully acknowledges that we all need to sleep comfortably. He has said that is by no means ‘my way or the highway’ in terms of what we do with regard to sleeping. It is important to me that he and I share a bed. I don’t want DP to feel forced to make a decision he isn’t fully comfortable with or enforce DD staying in her own bed if he is uncomfortable with this.
DP struggles a little bit because he says that if a child wakes up and feels they need comfort then that should be available to them. I don’t disagree. I know there are lots of view on co-sleeping and typically I feel the same as him. I don’t want his (still very young) DD to feel she cannot have comfort when she wants it.
However I am aware there are arguments to the contrary.
In a round about way, what I am trying to say is does anyone have any advice for me. I want to support DP, support his DD and I want for us all to have good sleep. I suppose because I am on the fence with wanting her to sleep on her own it is making it harder for me to get onto one side of the fence or the other.
Got there eventually!

OP posts:

soberfabulous · 09/04/2021 16:56

My 7 year Old does this, the difference is we take it in turns to go and sleep in her bed with her. She has a double bed.

No way would any of us get any sleep if we all had to sleep in our bed. And we have a super king!

Agree with a PP that I find it weird that adults sleep together but kids are made to sleep alone.

And I am far from being the earth mother type.

Original poster

SarahScone · 09/04/2021 16:56

Exactly. I do think I might be being a bit whine-y about this.

OP posts:

Justajot · 09/04/2021 16:57

My 6 year old turns up in our bed some nights. If she fails around too much, I switch into her bed. Could you do that if she's keeping you awake?

OliverBabish · 09/04/2021 17:02

Our 4 yr old comes in every night at some point, and DH automatically gets up and goes and sleeps in her room we got a bigger bed for her (a normal sized single) so it would be more comfortable for either of us to swap and sleep in her bed. I’m pregnant so I stay put

Forevernamechange12333333 · 09/04/2021 17:06

My just 6 year old did used to do this every night, however we bought him a mid sleeper with a play area underneath. Literally doesn’t get out of the thing now!🤣🙈 he was in a double in his room before but I just think it was too big for him in hindsight and wasn’t snuggly. We let him once a week sleep in ours as a treat,

Mn753 · 09/04/2021 17:12

I'm sure you're lovely but I wouldn't want my child sleeping by themselves with a non parent so I would get her a double bed and her dad can go in with her and you get a better sleep. Her staying in her own bed all night will help her sleep independently too.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2021 17:18

How long have you guys been in that house? Just wondering if it’s a newish bedroom to her or if the other house is the house she’s always known.

It’s worth if the relationship allows, talking to her mum about what her sleep pattern is like at her house and what their routine is like. I’m sure there are some commonalities but even in our house I know DD (6) has different things that DH and I do which are unique to that person. The sort of thing we just find ours in casual conversation after the other has been doing it a while.

In regards to sleeping elsewhere, you don’t have to do it all the time, just in the occasions you think you really need sleep.

And it also might be worth talking you DSD about what she feels at bedtime and when she wakes up, without suggesting any feelings iyswim.

lavenderlou · 09/04/2021 17:23

I had one like this. She always went to bed fine in her own bed by herself but at some point every night she would come in with me. I'm afraid nothing was successful. I tried consistent return,reward charts. Suddenly age 6 she grew out of it literally overnight. One night she just slept in her bed all night and then never came in again. If she's not there every night I wouldn't see that you sleeping elsewhere would be teaching her she can manipulate things. It just means you can sleep better.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 09/04/2021 17:28

Take yourself to the spare room and sleep alone, unless there’s a reason why you, a grown woman, can’t sleep alone?

I don’t know if it was intended to, but I think this last part comes across as really quite unpleasant. Technically there’s no reason why the little girl can’t sleep on her own either, she just doesn’t want to (which is completely understandable if that’s not what she’s used to) but the OP seems like she’s being really understanding and trying to find a solution that works for everyone, including her step daughter.

It doesn’t seem to have bothered the OP (so apologies for the derail!), but it made me wince a bit. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive because I’ve been in a similar situation myself, I don’t know

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 17:30

If you are not comfortable I would go and sleep in her bed once she is asleep in yours. It's only half a week, you have the other nights to sleep with your partner all night.

In time she will stay in her own bed.

Original poster

SarahScone · 09/04/2021 18:32

@HalfTermHalfTerm thanks
It stung a little bit but I ask think a little bit of tough love can go along way sometimes!
Also, she’s right, I’m not keen on the idea of sleeping on my own - I like having DP next to me and sleep better when he’s there. However if I can’t sleep on my own as a ‘grown woman’... then it’s a little unfair to expect a 5 year old to do it.

OP posts:

Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 18:35

My 9 year old still gets in with me and DH most nights. Neither of us want to turn him away when he says he needs us so we’re on the same page. Any option of getting a bigger bed?

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2021 18:36

Has your DP spoken to her Mum as well - both parents needs to be on the same page if you are going to get anywhere - how does she sleep there

MyGorramShip · 10/04/2021 08:24

I was intentionally blunt because the father, mother and child have zero issue with the child being in their bed. And it irritates me when a step parent comes along and tries to change the rules.

It comes from my experience as a step child and my experience as a step mother along with someone I was briefly with who made comments about how certain things would change if they ever moved in No, they wouldn’t, and now the relationship is over.

user64325 · 11/04/2021 03:36

Our 4 year old sleeps with us every night all night. When my teenager is sleeping at her dad's I usually sleep in her single bed so I can have a night with out elbows and knees pushing me out but also so I don't have to hear my husband snoring. He works away a couple of nights a week too, so it's not every night there is three in a bed. Although, when it is just me and my 4 year old he does often still manage to have me on the very edge of the bed as he will turn horizontal. We're about to move and getting bunk beds for the 4 year old and sibling but also a super king too incase he wants to stay with us. I'm sure I'll end up in the bottom bunk or the teens bed at times too, I'm happy to play musical beds when I want some space.

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