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Original poster

On the fence with co-sleeping with older child

40 replies

SarahScone · 09/04/2021 12:35

I am in a relationship with a brilliant man. He has a (just) 5yo DD who stays with us half the time.
I’d like some advice about nighttime/bedtime. She goes to sleep in her own bedroom (one of us stays with her (usually her dad) til she falls asleep) but will come into our bed around midnight - 1am and stay until morning.
In theory, I don’t mind this, but I do find that I don’t sleep as well when she is in the bed because of spiky little toes and arms flailing everywhere.
DP is aware of this and I have said that I am not in any hurry to change this, though I don’t want it to last forever. He has said that he supports this and fully acknowledges that we all need to sleep comfortably. He has said that is by no means ‘my way or the highway’ in terms of what we do with regard to sleeping. It is important to me that he and I share a bed. I don’t want DP to feel forced to make a decision he isn’t fully comfortable with or enforce DD staying in her own bed if he is uncomfortable with this.
DP struggles a little bit because he says that if a child wakes up and feels they need comfort then that should be available to them. I don’t disagree. I know there are lots of view on co-sleeping and typically I feel the same as him. I don’t want his (still very young) DD to feel she cannot have comfort when she wants it.
However I am aware there are arguments to the contrary.
In a round about way, what I am trying to say is does anyone have any advice for me. I want to support DP, support his DD and I want for us all to have good sleep. I suppose because I am on the fence with wanting her to sleep on her own it is making it harder for me to get onto one side of the fence or the other.
Got there eventually!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/04/2021 13:13

I would talk to her Mum (does she do it there as well) to come up with a plan to get her back into her bed and what she does there. It needs to be a joint plan where both are the same

Both of mine (who loved to cosleep and were similar) have loved these

www.amazon.co.uk/Full-Body-Sleep-Support-Pillow/dp/B07DL5J789?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

as hugging it makes them feel secure. What bed does she have - both mine preferred midsleepers (again they liked feeling cosy and close so that and the pillow solved the problems for us).

They also didnt like sleeping in the dark so we now have the Philips hue lighting so they can have a low level purple for one green for the other lights.

It sounds a lot but actually its just a midsleeper bed (which has storage and a desk so works) a body pillow and a light. All of which made them feel much more comfortable when they woke up

Kimye4eva · 09/04/2021 13:16

What happens if her Dad tries to take her back to bed?

Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 13:34

She’ll last for maybe another few hours but she’s never not come back!! The other thing is, DP has a tendency to then fall asleep in her bed and end up squashed and achey (small bed) if I don’t get up to and retrieve him!

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 13:35

Thanks - that’s really helpful. I like the idea of the pillows. We have lots of little night lights that she likes (low light things that we scatter about her room) but maybe one specific light with a specific intention could help

OP posts:
HalfTermHalfTerm · 09/04/2021 13:50

Will she go to sleep on her own (it’s just nicer for one of you to sit with her) or does she need someone there to fall asleep? If she’s in the habit of waking at 1am it might be that she thinks she can’t go back to sleep on her own so she comes and gets in to bed with the two of you. Does she say that she’s lonely, scared etc?

You have my sympathy, my partners youngest daughter wasn’t sleeping through the night at that point either!

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2021 13:58

Can I ask why you feel it’s so important you and DH share a bed when she’s there?

I’m not saying you need to change you behaviour but if were in your shoes and there was a spare room available I would probably have at one night in there if I felt I really needed my sleep.

I think it’s on the spectrum of normal behaviour for kids. DD is very much like this but then will have a phase of a month or two never coming into our bed. You guys have the added disruption of her routine in a different house.

It’s tricky as in animal sense, it is odd that we humans think two adults should sleep in the same room but the child should sleep alone. That’s not at you but just looking how other species deal with their young, it’s not very natural how we do it.

Daisy829 · 09/04/2021 14:00

We’ve had this with our DD. She’s just about grown out of it at age 6. We battled with it but we needed sleep & once we accepted it i would sleep in her bed if she came through. Not ideal but we got there in the end.

arcof · 09/04/2021 14:03

Sleep in another bed the nights she's there. Your needs do not trump hers. And I say this as a step-mum myself

Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 14:17

You know what, I was really anxious posting on here. I’ve never done it before and sometimes I’ve read through posts where people are really vicious. I was worried I’d be told that my DP is some kind of terrible person for not insisting she sleep on her own and that I was setting myself up for a life of misery and being treated as second best. So thank you all, you lovely people!

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 14:19

No, she won’t sleep on her own. We had a chat about it last night and will maybe look at setting a routine where she gets herself to sleep more independently so that at least she’s used to the feeling. I really don’t want any of us to feel any pressure with this. She’s starting a new school in September and don’t know if it’s worth trying to address before or afterwards. I’m thinking that if she finds the school a little anxiety inducing and she wants cuddles at night then I would hate to have setup a situation that we won’t want to go back on...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2021 14:20

Does he wake up when she gets in and if so can he take her back to bed and get in for a bit till she nods off?

SeasonFinale · 09/04/2021 14:20

If she comes in the easiest thing is to take yourself off to her bed and leave them to it.

If he falls asleep in her bed leave him there. He will soon move if he is so uncomfortable he wakes up.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 09/04/2021 14:24

Our 4 year old does this. We've just set up a little bed next to our bed, a load of old foam mattresses to make it the same height as our bed. She just sneaks in quietly in the night, wakes me up sometimes to ask to hold my hand but we sleep much better than having her actually in the bed.

user64325 · 09/04/2021 14:25

Get a superking bed, or switch her bed for a double. Then either one of you goes back to her bed with her, or whoever is uncomfortable goes and sleeps in the double or there is room in the big bed for all. Around the globe humans sleep with each other in family beds or sibling beds. Adults like to sleep with their partner and it's not just about sex, so why should just children be expected to sleep independently? It goes against human instinct. I say get more sleeping space and go with the flow. She won't want to sleep with you guys when she is a teenager.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2021 14:28

A trundle bed in her room could work too. One that you can have the mattress ready with a sheet on it ready to go so he would just need to grab a spare duvet or something which could be stored there too.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2021 14:45

Definitely try the pillow for falling asleep to - both of mine love cuddles and this has help them feel secure. Both also have a teddy that they love (DD is 12 and still loves hers!)

Small steps is what I have found and knowing it can go back and forwards fairly easily. Also keeping open the morning before everyone gets up to come in for a cuddle helped a lot as well

HalfTermHalfTerm · 09/04/2021 14:56

She won't want to sleep with you guys when she is a teenager.

I did have a step brother (only in the past tense because his father and my mum broke up, nothing awful happened!) who was still crying about having to sleep in his own bedroom in Year 7. That is obviously very unusual though!

I think if you’re happy enough with her sleeping in your bed then it’s easier to carry on somehow (buy a bigger bed, a double bed for her, etc) but if you’re not (and depending on what her mum thinks too) then I wouldn’t depend on her growing out of it soon. It is really tricky.

Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 15:06

I don’t think she’s going to grow out of it any time soon. She’s a very affectionate child and loves contact and cuddles. I just don’t want it to be a stressful process and it is so hard to know where the line is to be drawn, if indeed it needs to be drawn at all.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/04/2021 15:14

Get a super king bed, then there’s room for everyone. Although at 5, my DDs were well and truly in their own beds. They could snuggle up in ours at weekend from early morning.
Those suggesting OP sleeps in a different room when the child is with them, so that the child can sleep with her father, I’m not sure if this is entirely appropriate. It sends the message that the child is able to control her father, and whilst obviously she is the priority in her father’s life, sharing a bed together in this way just feels a bit off.
Everybody needs to be able to get a good night’s sleep though, so you should do whatever works for all of you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/04/2021 15:24

One of the big keys here is learning to go to sleep by herself. Look at the moving chair. It can really help.

Again it is so hard when you are tired but getting in bed with her in the night, she will then feel the absence.

MichelleofzeResistance · 09/04/2021 15:29

They don't necessarily just grow out of it by themselves if there's never practice and expectation of going back to their own bed, it's like the waking up for milk goes on in toddlers and beyond until a through the night bottle of milk is no longer an option. They will wake up to do it instead of sleeping through because its what you do in the night. I have more than one friend with a KS2 child climbing in every night and the whole family playing musical beds in the hope that the child will somehow just stop doing this by themselves and spare the adults needing to make tricky decisions.

The camp bed beside yours is a good compromise, and may reduce the incentive to the point it's less worth waking up for. Really the answer is a calm return to bed, re settling, and the comfort and contact always there but sleeping together not being an option - rather like the really tricky point of your toddler learning the middle of the night bottle just isn't there any more but they can cope without it.

Daisy829 · 09/04/2021 16:07

My DD is the same. She loves cuddles and she says she just wants to have cuddles with me all the time. At one point she wouldn’t even start off in her own bed! They aren’t little forever so I agree not to get stressed about it. Just find a way you all manage to get some decent sleep.

Original poster
SarahScone · 09/04/2021 16:49

Thanks all. I’m really heartened by this. The only bit that has got me thinking is the post from @Soontobe60 who says that if I relocate to a different bed so we all get good sleep, does that give the message that DS is controlling her dad? I’m pretty sure she’d stay in the bed with me if he got into the spare bed (maybe something to trial). What are peoples thoughts?

OP posts:
MyGorramShip · 09/04/2021 16:54

I think that if you weren’t around, there would be no issue, therefore nothing changes. 5 is still tiny. Take yourself to the spare room and sleep alone, unless there’s a reason why you, a grown woman, can’t sleep alone?

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