Nearly 8 month old. Sleep deprivation making me ill, please help

[Birdy1991]

I am so sleep deprived that I don't know if my mental health can take any more. Please someone give me some practical advice as I am so tired I can't think straight for myself.

My daughter is nearly 8 months and has always been a terrible sleeper. The best night we've ever had she still woke every three hours for a feed. It's been normal for her to wake every 1-2 hours and this has been the case since she was four months old. Recently, milk won't settle her back to sleep and she will cry a few moments after I put her down again. Myself and my partner can be up and down all night. The last couple of nights have involved inconsolable crying which is so hard to listen to.

For daytime naps she has to be walked or rocked to sleep but naps are generally better. Her longest stretch of sleep is usually in the evening which is around 7-9pm, but it can be worse. She sleeps on us during the daytime and a moses basket in the evening (she is a small baby), which she has nearly outgrown. It makes me full of anxiety to think about what to do when she outgrows this because it has a rocking stand and she needs rocking when she gets unsettled. She slept in her cot for a few weeks but started getting her legs stuck between the bars and her head gets stuck, so I moved her back to the moses basket and now I'm worried to change things again. I lack so much confidence.
My partner and I disagree on things like this, I want to move her to her own room as our bed is squeaky and I think he disturbs her with his snoring, but he says it would be stupid as we would be up and down all night. I don't know if it would be worth giving it a chance to see if it would help.

I'm so tired, I suffer from postnatal depression and everything is really getting on top of me. I long for my old, easier life and wish I could be working again. I have woken up sneezing with a cold and headache every day for the past three months. I had a long and traumatic 3 day labour during the August heatwave and she was delivered via emergency caesarean so I started off her life being utterly exhausted. I have a nice HV but she hasn't been that much help. My relationship with my partner is suffering and I dread going to bed. Someone please reassure me this ends and tell me what to do .

At that age my daughter only slept co sleeping, appreciate it's not for everyone but it worked for us and everyone got more sleep! It's tough I know and it feels never ending! I also never had much success with a cot as my daughter was such a fidget she would often bang her head and arms on the cot, I still don't understand why cots are so popular!

@BaaHumbugg

At that age my daughter only slept co sleeping, appreciate it's not for everyone but it worked for us and everyone got more sleep! It's tough I know and it feels never ending! I also never had much success with a cot as my daughter was such a fidget she would often bang her head and arms on the cot, I still don't understand why cots are so popular!

Hi, thank you for your message, we did co sleeping at first, didn't have a choice really as a newborn it's the only way she'd sleep. She would only sleep on my chests which I know is a big no-no and I was terrified the whole time. Unfortunately I barely slept a wink worrying about her so couldn't really keep it up. I have tried to have her in with us a couple of times again recently out of desperation, and she wouldn't settle anyway. Plus she's even closer to my partner's snoring then!

She's probably going through an 8 month sleep regression as well, it does pass I promise. I would be inclined to try her in her own room. It can't be any worse and you may find she is being woken up. Try and get to bed when she does, can you go to bed at 7 when she does and your DP deal with the 9pm wake up? Then you can hopefully get a decent chunk of sleep before the next wake up. Hopefully it would only be for a few weeks until the regression is over. I have to admit I cosleep but I'm a single parent and went back to work when my DS was 7 months as I needed to. Hope it eases soon.

Maybe give her a try in her own room then as you mentioned? I think it would take a while though to get her used to it. Please don't lack confidence though or blame yourself! When it comes to sleep there are no easy ways with some children. I think some people are just lucky and have good sleepers!

My DD was exactly the same as a baby, in the end we co slept. She slept better in with me and I could breastfeed her and doze at the same time when she did wake. Most of the time a half asleep cuddle and she was straight back to sleep.

I remember even when she was a tiny baby I had to walk her in a sling for all her naps and keep walking or she woke up (she would even wake up if I did 'fake' walking on the spot!). She was honestly just a terrible sleeper as a baby and it was bloody hard work.

She was in her own bed from age 2, to be honest I probably could have made the transition a bit earlier but wasn't fussed (and it was so good to finally have some reasonable sleep). She's nearly 5 now and for the last few years has slept 11 solid hours as standard (with the occasional bad dream or night time loo visit), so honestly it won't last forever.

Also regarding the cot, my DS had the same issues as he was such a fidget. I know cot bumpers aren't recommended but maybe put a bed guard or two inside the cot under the mattress, then she can't get her arms through the mesh? Might be worth a try and you can usually pick them up of off something like facebay for £5 or so?

8-10 month sleep regression.
A killer.
Took my sanity for a good few weeks.

I think you need yo get on top of your own exhaustion. I would suggest a few night where you and your partner tag team, with the ther sleeping in another room. You need to aim to get at least a few nights of a min of 4 hours consecutive sleep. So perhaps you do a shift rotation of one of you on and one off for something like 7-12, 12-5, 5-8. Its not going to get you completely restrd, but will help.

Also, if she is still v unsettled at night have you had her checked for silent reflux? Ds was a terrible sleeper but did get a bit better after we started on gavsicon for silent reflux.

I would definitely try her own room again. You can buy mesh cot bumpers off amazon that might help with the legs getting stuck issue.

Have you tried a projector light that plays lullabys? They helped my son learnt to fall asleep without being held. I have the fisher price hippo.

I haven’t read all the replies but I would try taking her to a children’s chiropractor in case she is uncomfortable at all from birth trauma, and I’d also buy a Sleepyhead Grand for the cot to make her feel like she’s being held. Presume you’ve tried white noise etc. Also put her in a sleeping bag and follow a familiar routine every evening.... could she be over stimulated? Try to have quiet relaxing time in the couple of hours before bed, nice warm bath then into pjs and sleeping bag, milk and cuddles in a dark room before bed. Good luck OP it’s really hard, do whatever you need to do to get through it and don’t worry about ‘bad habits’ etc, if you find what works for her then just go with it!

Just read your reply where you mentioned your partners snoring... could this be waking her?! I’d try to sort that issue, and have them sleeping in different rooms, use white noise to drown him out!

I know this might not be what you want but I got a double mattress on the floor of DS room and slept separately to DH. I found it less anxiety provoking once he got to 8 months as he was less of a tiny baby. Truthfully I had him in a sleepyhead but that's before they weren't recommended.

Are you doing shifts with DH so you can both get chunks of sleep?
She's not struggling with reflux is she?

I’m sure you probably have tried it, but we had a euan the dream sheep for my DTs. It plays a heartbeat with white noise, a lullaby, and a couple of others. My DS in particular loved his, and would switch it on if he woke when he was a baby to soothe himself back to sleep. Think they’re motion activated now. We used it from birth and it was wonderful.

Mine started sleeping so much better once they were in their own room. They’re now 3, and even if they wake now I’ll sleep in if I have to with them in their own room rather than have them in my bed - they’re way too wriggly!

It does get better, I promise. Are you receiving any talking therapy or ads for the pnd? Does your dp do the night wakings too so you can get some sleep?

I know it’s not recommended but I had cot bumpers for mine as DD was constantly getting her limbs stuck.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. After having a slight breakdown yesterday, my partner agreed that we could try her in her own room, so I finally feel listened to. I am wondering about buying cot bumpers to make the cot a bit more cosy, although I know they are a SIDS risk. I just think I might lose my sanity if I don’t at least try changing something!

To the PP who said about Ewan the dream sheep, we have a similar thing called Ollie the Owl which did used to comfort her but has now stopped working. The same as white noise! I do shifts with my DP but sometimes he doesn’t start until 4am and I feel bad waking him before which I know is silly. Plus we all sleep in the same room so I never feel like I get a rest as such even if he gets up for her. Hopefully this can change now we can try her in another room.

All of this would probably feel better if we weren’t currently in a lockdown!

Thanks for your help everyone 🙂

@MuchTooTired I am on citalopram 20mg which has stabled me out on the whole, but I still have wobbly days which 90% of the time is when the nights have been bad I reckon. I did some talking therapy about the birth but funding was very limited and only had three sessions. I hope that when normal life resumes I can find some comfort in socialising and going to the gym, swimming etc!

I’ve just realised I said about going to the gym, not sure id be able to do much with how tired I am 😂 but I can dream about things I used to enjoy I suppose 😂

Hi OP,

It sounds like you’re having a tough time! My LO was a terrible sleeper too. I know how hard it is. He was in his cot in our room with us from birth til 7 months as we were in a one bedroom flat. We moved recently so he could have his own room. I thought the same as your partner: “why move him to his own room cause we’ll just be up every hour anyway?”
But I was wrong! The first night he did 4 hour stretches, the second week he did 6 hour stretches...
I think we must have been waking him up. My partner snores too. I hope moving your LO to their own room works for you too. As I said, I was sceptical myself at first!

All I would say is at least give it a few days. The first night he was quite hard to get down, as he was in a new house and new room and not sure of his surroundings (maybe pop a T-shirt that smells like you in their cot). But once he was asleep, he slept so much better...and it continues to get better.

Fingers crossed!

Thank you @sleepslikeababy this is really encouraging! 😃

I have no real advice to add other than I have been in this exact position and it is horrendous! I still feel physically and mentally damaged from lack of sleep and wish I’d called for help sooner. Prioritise your own well-being to help you get through and reach out for support from the HV, GP, family, friends, partner, mumsnet, anyone! The tricky part comes when you get so exhausted you’re no longer the person who can think clearly to ‘fix’ the situation so definitely hand over to your partner as much as possible.

How is her feeding during the day? My LO was awful when it came to weaning so would seek more milk overnight I think and as he got older the HV encouraged us to try and get into a better pattern with meals.

Have you looked up sleep training? It doesn't have to mean leaving her to cry, there are other, gentler methods. Hope things improve for you soon x

I agree with the pp who said you can't deal with anything until you get some sleep.

Don't try and change anything just yet. How could you get some sleep?

Could you sleep during the day? If you're both exhausted you need to find a way for both of you to actually get some sleep. If that means for a couple of weekends you miss the day completely for sleep, then do it. So, Saturday, you sleep, Sunday he sleeps.

Or go to bed at 5pm and agree with your partner that you won't be woken until midnight. Sleep in the babies room, the front room, get ear plugs, and eye mask, a black out blind, whatever it will take. And then swap, so your partner gets midnight till 8 am.

Find a way for something like this to work. When you both feel like you've had some sleep, in a couple weeks say, then sit down together and come up with a longer term plan.

It's awful. I know the feeling of feeling sick because you're so tired and also, feeling like the joy is being sapped out of every single minute because you're so tired. There's a reason that sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

You poor thing.

I'd definitely try her in her own room. From around 6 months I found that both our babies started to get disturbed by us being in the same room. My first moved into his room at 6 months and slept so much better! Sadly i don't have that option for number 2! Try her in her room with blacked out windows and white noise - make it a sleep haven and see how she gets on.

Secondly, consider getting a Sleepyhead Grande for her cot. This will help create a snug feeling similar to the moses basket and also stop her rolling about and getting her legs and head stuck. I had it for my eldest and it was great - he never had these issues. Just gentley keeps them central in the cot but still gives lots of room to move about. They are expensive but they can be used up to 3 years old so you get your monies worth. Great for when they move into a cot bed too as it stops them rolling out!

It does sound like she has built up some sleep associations like being rocked. For her to sleep well, she’ll need to break those and be able to put herself back to sleep. I don't believe in cry it out methods, but you can sleep train in a more gentle way, where you give her lots of love and comfort and don't leave her alone to cry but you don't do the one thing she wants (rocking).

Hope things improve for you soon!

Just in case you haven’t seen it OP there’s a kind of bumper called Air Wrap that is a bit safer...

www.johnlewis.com/airwrap-two-sided-baby-cot-bumper-white/p2155862

But definitely consider a Sleepyhead Grand if she likes that cosy feeling rather than stretching out a lot. Not cheap but worth every penny if it works! Both mine liked being in a sleeping bag to feel contained and cosy for sleep, they don’t really get their feet stuck in the cot bars the same when they’re in a sleep bag either.

I'm going through something similar as we are still going through the 4 month sleep regression and DS is nearly 6 months. You say your DD is like this since 4 months, and that is because babies sleep becomes more adult like from 4 months and they wake after every sleep cycle unless they can self settle. If you are rocking her to sleep, that is how she wants to fall back to sleep every time she wakes.

I've been rocking my DS to sleep too and am trying to get out of this habit. I completely broke down last week too and couldn't handle the hourly wake ups so knew something needed to change. Thankfully hubby had him for 2 nights so I could catch up on sleep and felt much better.

Try some sort of sleep training. As another poster said, you don't need to cry it out if you're not comfortable with it. You can start off really gently, like rocking and shushing and patting at the time time, then reducing to just shushing and patting and so on. Just an example but you could try adding another sleep association that doesn't require rocking but is much easier to manage.

@SKA86

I'm going through something similar as we are still going through the 4 month sleep regression and DS is nearly 6 months. You say your DD is like this since 4 months, and that is because babies sleep becomes more adult like from 4 months and they wake after every sleep cycle unless they can self settle. If you are rocking her to sleep, that is how she wants to fall back to sleep every time she wakes.

I've been rocking my DS to sleep too and am trying to get out of this habit. I completely broke down last week too and couldn't handle the hourly wake ups so knew something needed to change. Thankfully hubby had him for 2 nights so I could catch up on sleep and felt much better.

Try some sort of sleep training. As another poster said, you don't need to cry it out if you're not comfortable with it. You can start off really gently, like rocking and shushing and patting at the time time, then reducing to just shushing and patting and so on. Just an example but you could try adding another sleep association that doesn't require rocking but is much easier to manage.

Absolutely this. I could have written your post OP. Please have a look ay the Ferber method. All the best.