This is never going to get better is it?

[WingingIt101]

Dd is nearly 11 months.
Wakes anywhere between 1 and 30 times in the night. Never know how much sleep we will get.

Day naps are good and consistent albeit a battle to get her down sometimes.

We only feed once in the night and the rest of the time we use settling techniques taught by our sleep consultant. Never CIO.

It’s like she has a radar that tells her when my head hits the pillow.
Tonight she went down at bed time and needed resettling 6 times before 830pm. Woke at 1230 and I’ve had to wake my husband even though he has to work tomorrow as I’ve been in so many times.

I love her so much and can’t bear to hear her cry. When she cries and won’t sleep it makes me feel like a rubbish mum. I’m at my wits end. I go back to work in a few weeks and it’s to start a new job at a new company. all I can think is I’m going to be a zombie and so irritable because I never get any proper rest.

Please someone tell me how to fix it. I’ll do anything I just need us all to get some rest. Some proper consistent sleep. I can’t carry on this way. I have honestly googled “can sleep deprivation kill a human”

Sorry to to hear. It sounds very tough.
How do you put her to sleep? Is her room too hot/cold? Does she sleep better if you co sleep?

co-sleep

you said you'd try anything!

we bed-shared with our two until they were 3 and 2 years old (we live in a country where it is normal)

you don't have to do it forever, or even as long as we did - but it might help to get some rest for you all, and then you can try and move her back into her cot in a few weeks.

Is she hungry? Needs a dummy?

We're just up with our 1 1/2 year old. He also can either sleep the night or wake multiple times and there is no reason for it!

Have you tried putting her down later. Ours now goes to bed at 8:30-9pm and we find he then sleeps for a proportion of the night that we also do. It gives DP and I less evening time together but we also get a bigger chunk of sleep normally

Is she overtired by the time she goes to bed?

If I recall rightly trying to keep mine up longer in hope they slept longer had complete opposite effect.

Sorry not much help

30???!

Two options. Bedshare or let her cry. IMO and IME there isn't really a middle ground.

Co-Sleep; so much better for everyone than the continuous sleep deprivation.

DS is an extremely difficult sleeper from birth. I think I didn’t sleep well since the day he was born but maybe it’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to sleep on his own. A good night’s sleep is when I had three hours of total sleep (even with multiple wakings in between).

It was getting onto me as I had actually started feeling physically unwell. It also contributed to my PPD. On top of that I was doing solo parenting. DH and I were in both diff countries and there was a lockdown on both fronts.

I literally had to beg DH to let DS to sleep with me on the same bed because there is no way I can keep on with this. DH was against it. Obviously he didn’t know what I was going through because at his side he was sleeping for solid 7-8 hours .

I read up a lot (Sarah ockwell smith, James McKenna) so I could convince DH. I was EBF as well so it helps a lot. When DS was 10 weeks old I decided to eff it and let DS sleep with me. We followed the safe seven guidelines and voilà he started sleeping.

Obviously there were sleep regressions and all but at that time DH and I are reunited. He could help rock DS to sleep during those days. But the best combo is to rock plus nurse. Guarantee to knock DS now.

Fast forward DS is one year old. Increasingly it takes a lot less to put him back to sleep. We still co sleep but I enjoy it ◡̈

He wakes up once at night only now.

It will get better, but not necessarily yet.

It's really worth diarising wake-up timings and frequency so that you can monitor any improvements (or not) over time.

Everyone has a different sleep method that works for them. I found that the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' advocated by Elizabeth Pantley was the best management tool for us when sleep was at its worst although our DS still woke regularly til he was 4. Aged 13 he is now the best sleeper of my three children! But I'll never forget how bloody awful that period was, utterly draining.

I had a 'big' job and actually found that having time away from DS have me a bit more energy to deal with the nights. Although caffeine and sugar in the afternoons were a necessity!

If she needed settling 6 times before 8.30 then move her bedtime later, give her supper at 8, teeth brush at 9, try to put to sleep at 9.30 or 10. How much food does she have and when? When is her “ awake time” in the morning and when does she nap?

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry I went quiet in the night - dh took over so I could get some rest as I do the majority of night shifts and the build up definitely doesn’t help!!

Thank you also for the suggestions - I’ll try and answer everything here:

Her room is between 18-19 degrees all night and she sleeps in a vest, socks, babygrow and sleeping bag (currently 2.5tog) she’s been known to sleep through in a temp of 17 degrees and the night before last did only one wake in 19degrees.

I should have said, we do resort to co sleeping as safely as possible when it’s bad. We don’t really want this to become the “must” though. For us it means we don’t relax well enough to actually sleep but it gets her some better rest and I end up dozing a bit which is better than nothing.

We know her awake window is around 3-3.5 hours which from the reading I’ve done sounds about right for a typical baby of her age.

I think the worst part is the unpredictability of it all. If she just never slept we could find a formula that works better. I’d say the most usual is asleep by 730, waking around 1230 for milk and then early waking where she will only go back down if we cosleep - this bit can be any time after 430 but usually around 530. Then we go to the other end of things and she wakes around 20 times with her worst ever time it was around 30 (I think I cried most of that night 🤦‍♀️)

Thank you to the poster who shared their return to work experience. I’m hoping it’ll also mean a better division of home responsibility as my husband won’t be the only one with an obligation to an employer so will be able to share more

OP, just to echo what someone here said about going back to work. My 11 month old still wakes several times a night and we cosleep a lot. I've gone back to work in a mentally challenging job. However I don't find it any harder when I was at home with her because work doesn't feel more taxing than constantly parenting. I think I actually feel more refreshed and more able to have time to myself since going back to work. At the moment my approach is just doing whatever works to get sleep and cosleeping is working from that point of view.

@Keha thank you that’s so good to hear!

Hi,

I am currently going through a brutal sleep regression with my 10 month old. He was a pretty good sleeper till he was poorly at Christmas and his sleep has never recovered. It feels never ending! I end up co sleeping for half the night just so I can get some rest but he still wakes loads. Here’s what keeps me going/sane:

Use your DH as much as possible - it shouldn’t be all on you especially after nearly a year! Mine will often do the evening so I can go to bed early or take him from 5am.
Sleep/rest whenever possible - evenings, weekends, etc.
Remember that what you do now to get through the night will not last forever. I co slept every night with my first for many months and now at 2 years old he sleeps all night on his own (I never thought this would happen!)
Take a break when you can, it’s relentless when you’re with them all night too. If I get any time to myself I can deal with the nighttime wakings much better.

Mine is only 4.5 months and currently regressing bigtime so don't feel very qualified to give advice! But just to point out that that's way too much clothing according to the guidelines on the sleeping bags we use - and the best my DD ever slept has been on colder nights, so over-warm may not be helping you (though I'm sure not the whole issue). In 18-19 degrees and in a 2.5 tog sleeping bag we just use a long-sleeved bodysuit and nothing else as per Tommee Tippee guidelines, and seems to work well. If temp drops below 18 then it's a sleepsuit (with nothing underneath) - that's actually how DD sleeps best but impossible to keep the room that temp without mould growing as I discovered to my cost!

My eldest started sleeping through at 2 1/2, it will get better do what you need to do to servive,

Thanks everyone - I’ve managed to get a couple of ok nights since my post (dh stepping up!) and feel a lot better about it one day improving!

Re. The clothing we did have her in less and she woke so much more our sleep consultant advised what she wears now and we saw an improvement. We are not worried she is too hot

@Etherealhedgehog

Mine is only 4.5 months and currently regressing bigtime so don't feel very qualified to give advice! But just to point out that that's way too much clothing according to the guidelines on the sleeping bags we use - and the best my DD ever slept has been on colder nights, so over-warm may not be helping you (though I'm sure not the whole issue). In 18-19 degrees and in a 2.5 tog sleeping bag we just use a long-sleeved bodysuit and nothing else as per Tommee Tippee guidelines, and seems to work well. If temp drops below 18 then it's a sleepsuit (with nothing underneath) - that's actually how DD sleeps best but impossible to keep the room that temp without mould growing as I discovered to my cost!

Tomee tippee guidelines are way too cold for my DD, for 18 degrees she sleeps best in vest, sleepsuit and sleeping bag. She’d be too cold in what you’ve said

It WILL get better. Even if you did nothing it will get better (I never sleep trained), and you have a sleep consultant to advise you.

So cosleeping results in better sleep for babybut less good sleep for you? Is there some kind of copromise that might work? When my DD was teething, she had a massive floor bed of two single mattresses pushed together. If it was a bad night, I could go in and snuggle with her, but roll onto the other mattress once she was asleep. That way I got a half decent night.

@crazychemist you may just be a genius. 😂

Ds1 was a horrendous sleeper- I was dropping things, walking into things, etc from being so sleep deprived.

We were recommended the book 'teach your child to sleep'. It was amazing.

We also had a mattress on the floor in his room for a while just so I could get a few minutes more sleep, unfortunately he slept worse co-sleeping so this was not the answer for us.

We chose a method from the book and stuck to it for a couple of months. It did work - slowly!

What does she need when she wakes up? Do you shush her? Lift her? Feed her?

Hey !! You might just be very close to getting some better sleep!!! Our DD was horrendous at 11 months. Still pretty bad at 12 months. But things started improving steadily when she started walking / attending nursery / and when I stopped going to sleep in the same room as her. Now at 18 months ... she sleeps at least 9 hours straight every night without our assistance. Hang in there. I know it seems like it will never get better. I wanted to kill myself when DD was 11 months xxx

@WingingIt101 agree with @crazychemist that's what worked here with 2 terrible (and I mean TERRIBLE) sleepers. I co-sleep with both of my children still (2yo and 3.5yo). Until recently, I had youngest in a cot cable tied to our bed. She would crawl over to me for a cuddle, then fall asleep and roll back to into her cot. Eldest slept in the bed with me, but over by the wall. DH sleeps in a king sized bed on his own. This is far from ideal, but the best way I can maximise sleep for us all. I tell myself it won't last forever, and I know I literally wouldn't cope with any less sleep than I get now. For info, I was terrified of co-sleeping with the PFB, but embraced it eventually, and from very early on with my second as I was already so sleep deprived by then. It's such hard work - figure out what will get you all the most sleep, and go with it. Think outside the box.

We replaced me bf multiple times with dh offering water. Ds slept 13 hours straight on the third night..